Angry At God - today

The room was bright enough in a clinical sort of way. Over sized leather lounge chairs in dark blue and brick and green, lined the walls, all facing nowhere, or so it seemed. There were TV screens and oddly placed book shelves with a head phone set here and there. People faced one another but no one really looked or saw or cared for that matter. Folks were covered in those white hospital blankets and also assorted pillows and quilts and shawls and blankets they brought from home - some genuine attempt to comfort them, I imagine. Each had their own machine to which they were attached via tubes, one for taking blood out and one for sending it back after it is cleansed in the machine' Amazing process if you think about it. It is saving all of their lives and my Mom was amongst them all. So tiny - no more than 100 pounds - her colorful "angel shawl" about her neck and shoulders, her favorite pillows around her and her "Our Father" afghan. Her Rosary Beads wrapped around her small arthritic fingers, and there she lay, sound asleep. I watched her from the doorway for a while - not allowed in 'the room'. I was filled with so much emotion. first and foremost relief that she made it here - after three very near-death experiences, she made it to here. Next I felt incredible sadness as I tried to absorb the demands of this regiment of three days a week, four hours a day. She is tired and fragile and so brave. I ached for her, for this "life-sentence". And yes, I know all the reasons I should be so glad that such treatment exists, and that she made it to receive the treatment and on and on and ALL that is true - I am so grateful. But truth b e told, I am quite upset that she has to endure such a difficult health issue and demanding treatment schedule in her final years.

And me with my "I can manage to "live" and be active and present in life despite this MS setback and the pain and icy hot numbness of every freaking step I took today, again I ask, "WHY???" Jen drove and I rode shotgun as we traveled the half hour drive to the Dialysis Center to pick up my Mom. I cannot drive yet due to the muscle spasticity. What the f___!!!?

I have asked God so many times "Why", and again, all you faithful folks, please don't preach to me about God and his infinite wisdom and so forth, I KNOW!! I am just being real, I am really, really angry at God. My Mom has been one of His most loyal servants and lives her life in alliance with the teachings of Jesus, always. And such alliance, I know. will sustain her through this, I KNOW!!! Still, to see her, so small and frail hooked to that machine which is literally her 'life-line' - it was really hard to take in. I make no apologies for being angry at God, in fact I believe that when you have a really good relationship with someone. God included, it is safe to be angry and so I trust my relationship with God/Jesus will make it trough this challenge just fine. This is just where I am today after seeing my Mom for the first time laying in that lounger hooked up to that machine, it absolutely broke my heart. :-(