My 200th Post - "Life Goes On"

This is my 200th post. I am amazed at this mark of time - distance - written expressions. All of you have received me, loved me, prayed with and for me and allowed me in to your precious and purposeful lives. I have learned so much from all of you from a wide spectrum of wisdom and knowledge - from rivers to poetry, sea shells to paintings, personal tragedies and triumphs, daily battles, wins and losses, birthdays, deaths, joys, sorrows, hope,fears, celebrations, family pictures, weddings and vacations, love, hope, faith, God, and friendship. "Thank you".......

Today, I am still meeting the healing challenge from my MS setback, one step at a time. My Mom is barely hanging on.,so tired, so weak and sadly, so discouraged. Her faith is unshalable and yet, I felt it, saw it shiver - it was the coldest moment I ever experienced.

Little Damien, well, pray for him, He has survival/thriving challenges on many levels.

Skipp and I are, thankfully, still so madly in love - we care deeply about and for one another. Our home is safe, and peaceful, loving and bountiful with love, kindness, justice, fine wine, good food, and simple living. Many find solace here.

I count my blessings every day - I fight my battles too. I am realizing every day that my children are in charge of their own destinies - I have very little to do with it. That was a tough delusion of which to let go. I keep the candles a glow in all the windows, facing every direction, north-south-east-west so they will always find their way home.

I am open to the next phase of my life - as I realize my simple gifts are still my simple gifts - my blessings are still mine to behold, my loving heart is still strong. I accept that some battles may never be won but i will continue to fight> I am inspired by my freedoms, challenged by my limits. I am held up by my friends and family and I am loved by many. So on this 200th post of truth, "IT'S". It is clear that "Life Goes On".....

Hands

As the meaning of this "shift" unfolds I find myself filled with emotions that overflow - I gave in to an angered painful outburst and then quiet salty tears with a drowning weakness that pulled me to my knees. I yelled to the heavens with clenched fists and so too I bowed to the floor in prayer, hands folded in quiet desperation and hope - waiting for understanding.



This song is so fitting, don't ya think? And so this day I am grieving over endings and preparing for beginnings. The preparation is nothing more that being open to what awaits -

When I saw the word "forbidden" on my work email account I burst in to tears. As much as I knew it was coming, that word I found to be so harsh - I felt like the enemy or the criminal or the outcast. When my doctor wrote "In order to manager symptoms Gail cannot perform her job - no authorization to return to work - nor do I anticipate there will be" !!!!! Oh my.......and so the information went to my employer and a chain of events unfolded like a bumpy roller coaster ride. Prior to this, I was holding on to a big "if". "If" my MS got better so I could manage the symptoms so I could work part time. After a year my doctor finally said, "it is time to let go - this is as good as it is going to get"!!!

First my email was terminated (forbidden), then a status change form was completed -'unable to work due to illness - no authorization to return'. And that was it - over a decade of active service/ministry ended yesterday. A few sentences, a few strokes of a pen, one form and it was over. Painless actually but oh so painful - I am filled with grief.

But not for long - I have earned this grief - and so I will give in to it - just long enough to be done with it. This atop my MS set back and my Mom's serious illness is overwhelming but I have learned that we cannot choose the timing of some of our "shifts" - they happen, regardless of what else is going on. Phew...... These days, I cry at the drop of a hat, I rage over the smallest injustice, I stammer and yell and question - I surrender and pray quietly - silently - my hands reach up open to receive - at times they are folded, sometimes they are across my heart - sometimes my hands are holding my head - some times they lay limp at my side or in my lap so unsure. But like I said, not for long.....................

I love you all and need you all...........

Love Gail
peace........

(I deleted my formatted signature, again - geesh)

After the "Shift"

I am on the other side of the crisis - the hot piercing-excruciating pain in my knee and leg has lessened in intensity and will bear some weight without exploding like fireworks in pain. It is a long road of recovery - and a challenge to manage and navigate around the house for even the simplest of tasks like going to the bathroom, shower, and meals. Family and friends come by with prepared food and to take Gracey out for walks. I have it set so I can use my rollator to the back door, hook her on her long lead and I wait there for her and she comes back and I unhook her and she is all set. Skipp goes out and about with her in the morning and at night.

I get a bit of cabin fever being inside all the time. It is a God-send that we live in a home where every angle has a full view to the outside. Still, I need to be out on our deck even for a few minutes given the heat. I managed that today - phew. I spend a lot of time with my leg elevated and in the A/C. I am also so grateful for the view from my front picture window of our thick lovely garden filled with flowers, butterflies and humming birds. :-) I find such comfort in the view of nature and all it's gifts. It is healing.

I have missed my Mom SO much. And much to my delight my Sister surprised me and was able to get my Mom to my house last evening. Oh I was so thrilled. We hugged and cried and laughed and held hands. She is so weary and so small and fragile. We are all praying this second surgery worked - if not? Well, she is not willing to try again.................

I also was told by my neurologist that he does NOT anticipate my being able to work anymore. As much as I knew this to be true the actual words and actual notification to my employer of over a decade was very sobering to face. Another part of the "shift" that I have felt for a while now. I believe though that the "shift" has arrived - to another plateau or foundation of reality/truth upon which I will now adjust and become acclimated. I have arrived, once again. Now that I am here - well, that is yet to be determined as to what it all means. Part of me is excited by the challenge/adventure, part of me is grieving what was and part of me is relieved that I made it through this major "shift". And I still have to heal from the MS set back to fully realize and understand this part of my journey. Perhaps that is what this time is for - to set upon where the shift landed me for a time so I can feel the ground I am on - become familiar with my new surroundings/reality - discover what possibilities are available - define more fully purpose and prayer - hope and fear - strength and weakness - peace and quiet - love. I am here - healing and open to this phase of my life - after the "shift". I certainly never thought that the force of the shift would toss me around so fiercely and land me injured after the "shift". Good Lord!




Love, Gail
peace .......................

Pause

Dear friends-
I am in distress with this injured knee. It is so painful and quite debilitating because I cannot put weight on it - I am using a rollator in the house and it is still excruciating. It seems that muscle spasticity, strong upward spasms from MS that actually twist and wrench my knee have pulled the tendons and such quite badly. I can barley walk. My PCP ruled out other causes via x-ray and blood work as the reason for the spasms and subsequent injured knee. I see the neurologist today to see what, if anything can be done to lessen these wrenching spasms. Meanwhile as they continue, my knee wont heal and the pain and debilitation forges on. I am quite discouraged and sad. I feel so helpless as there is little I can do for myself. I wont be able to be on my computer much due to it's location and my overall distress. Pray for me as I continue to hold you all close during this difficult time.
I am also so sad that I cannot get to my Mom - I miss her terribly and I so want to be there for her. I wonder why this is so. Sometimes God really confuses me.

Keep it palatable

My blog theme is 'truth'. Everything I write is true but what about what I do not write? There is truth that is left unwritten, by choice. I am sure that the same is true for every one of you readers and bloggers. We only get the 'picture' you allow us to see/read - I only give you the same.

I am burning with truth - like lava bubbling up from my soul. I choke it back down. I can't write a word of it. I do tell a couple of people, the whole truth, almost anyways. But not here - . I share the agony of my Mom's illness and the fear of Damien's enlarged heart - the joy in my home where music and laughter and peace abound. I shared of my past, tragic and life-changing and my journey to self love and the freedom that embracing one's truth brings - I wrote of the church and the priest(s) and being backhanded by the priest, I have written all that, haven't I? I have. I wrote of my children and I told you all my beliefs and values and faith. You all know my battles and you know how hard I fight and my surrenders too. Ah, but not all, no, not all of them - the one's that are shameful and harsh still - active in their destructive purpose around me - oh no, those I hide. Those I carry heavily - a burden that is un-speakable. Un-writable.

Amidst our blogs with rivers and flower gardens. loving pets and adorable kids, paintings and poetry, recipes and crafts, vacations and walks, meals and celebrations, births and deaths, fears and hopes, dreams and passions, love and sorrow, family and friends, quotes and videos, music and frogs, all of it passionately true - inspiring - real - emotional - promising - brave - honest - fearless - courageous - strong - sad - joyous - stunning - challenging - soothing - and yet, much is lost, missing - simply not told. I cannot tell you what is burning within me.

Are all of you, any of you such that your life does not insist on privacy? Is that a good thing? A not so good thing? Does that speak to the greatness of this forum or the lacking in this forum. I feel false, fake in my privacy - my choice to write about only that which is palatable. Who am I to you if I censor my truths? How do I see myself in your eyes and hearts? On the one hand I feel so loved and so understood - but is that because I give you truths that are lovable and censor the unspeakable? What if we all told everything - all of it - what if huh?
Until then I am still me - all that I have told you is truth - I am secure in that and equally confident that this forum is limiting, limited in it's presentation. Good thing, huh? An old X-friend of mine always said - "Nobody really wants to hear the truth!!!"

God and / or - a chair

Odd how certain 'one-liners' stick with us. It must be what we need in that moment. Perhaps at another time such one liners would just pass on by. This particular one liner answer was
"a chair".

I had received some disturbing news about my Mom - the surgery to create the site for dialysis was not successful. She has to have the surgery, again and this time they also have to use artificial materials which is even less promising. The surgery itself is a risk along with her being at square one again in the healing time necessary for the site to be usable. sigh.........I felt her heavy heart - fear and wonder, faith and courage and weariness too - as options are realized and then put aside - the battle for life forges on.

and so as I sat sharing a delicious fish and rice dinner with my son we talked, deeply about life and death and faith. I asked him, how he, who is one of agnostic beliefs, hangs on during times of fear and heartache - I asked him what does he hang on to. at first he said, "nothing really", and then he paused and said, "A chair, ya, I hang on to a chair"!! :-)

I SO loved his answer - we laughed heartily and yet as absurd as his answer was it is also quite true. He believes as he does, as do I. Regardless if I hang on to God or a chair I must hang on. My Mom is sure it is God - my son is sure it is a chair - I am going to hang on to both!!