Light their way home.

All good reports!! My blood pressure is well within normal range. While my doctor was checking it and the numbers kept going lower he kind of chuckled and said. "whose arm is this, where did Gail's arm go??"" :-) And, my back is so much better. I am still doing heat treatments and being careful but I haven't even needed a Tylenol in days. The unexpected heat a couple days ago knocked me for a loop!! MS doesn't respond well to heat. It is cool and rainy today so I am SO much better - not droopy any more. Phew. So there is the physical condition update.

Now, let's talk about my emotional/mental and even spiritual (because they all are connected), "state of being". Surprisingly, despite some family dilemmas, I am okay. Part of the reason for that is because the situation is not close in proximity, however it is still close to my heart. I just don't 'see' the day to day overt and subtle elements of this situation because they live so far away. That is both a gift and a curse. My imagination can run wild and/or I can pretend it is not all that bad.

I realized something though - and it was a harsh realty to absorb. What is happening now with my eldest daughter and her son is so far out of my reach. As the years went by and she remained so distant my/our involvement was less and less. The results or price of her decision to move so far away has had unfortunate outcomes. Had she stayed near by, our family could/would have helped raise her son who required and still requires much more than she or any single parent could provide. He is now the angry result of lack of support and assistance and opportunity. She has "thrown her hands in the air" - and wants to be free of the responsibility for his care. The life has been squeezed out of their relationship - each victim to the other - each angry - each feeling unloved by the other.

Some where over the years I 'lost my place' in their lives. Oh sure, I sent gifts for all their birthdays and all the holidays - I called every week and they called too - and at times I was invited in to explore options for resolve for other situations - sadly, I was usually not ever given or told the whole story. There were always variables that my daughter kept secret - and she made it quite clear when I stepped over the line. I continued to communicate love, no matter what. I can count on one hand over the past 10 years the times I really challenged my daughter angrily with little regard for any self control - and this would shake things up a bit but not for long. The distance and questions and concerns forged on. Basically, I have loved, and supported as I could and helped if I was asked. I painfully and sadly accepted that her choice to live so far away and keep parts of her life secret were her decisions. My power was in what I could do to show love and share in joy and provide support if I was included in a situation. Every now and then her harsh reality finds its way to my door and heart as is the case now. And it is out of my reach to resolve. It is right here - BOOM!! I am getting out of the way of the blast - waiting for the dust to settle - trying SO hard not to go into a ranting of "I TOLD YOU SO's" !!!!! I have a slew of those ready to spew.

And so I will listen - quietly. Validate as best I can - Hope and pray for better days for her and her children - I keep the candles in every window of our home lit so they can be seen from every angle - they represent the "light that I hope one day will guide them home................"