Sunday, April 4, 2010

Is it ever kind to be cruel?

I am not sure when it happened - I just know that it did. The hurt was gone - and in order to feel it I had to look for it, reach back for it because it was now a memory. Part of me wishes I was more in command of such relief - but truth be told -I was not. In fact, I fought for my right to hold on to the hurt, and disappointment, and feelings of betrayal all in the name of self preserving. When I did I was quite justified to be righteous. Oh my, how unpleasant is that? Very!!

I have written of this struggle often - and my right to be right. Even writing it kind of makes me cringe and wince. In some sense of fairness to myself I did need to take time to sort through the events that changed the relationship - that made it so difficult to feel safe - all that is still true - what isn't true anymore is how much it mattered - how much my 'position' gave me permission to be indifferent - perhaps even cruel. Oh how right I felt. Something shifted and I couldn't feel "my rights" anymore - rather I felt unkind. I was faced with an opportunity to embrace something bigger than what I was holding to - I looked hard for all the reasons I had to not respond in kind - I searched every corner of my heart - and somehow being loving overpowered being right. It was a moment of surrender and a moment of truth and a moment of transition that swept me off my emotional feet!!

And so I am writing humbly this day of His resurrection - feeling that I rose above what had me nailed to the righteous cross of being right' - perhaps in your lives there are times you felt so right - and in being right you did or didn't do what was loving - when is love, in its purest form twisted to 'fit' being right. I was actually stunned by my own rationale for so long and recent 'change of heart'. There is even a song that speaks to -"Cruel to be kind or is it Kind to be cruel?".







30 comments:

Bernie said...

Gail, I tried to comment on your last post and was kicked off twice so here I go, will try again.
I believe you have a wonderful relationship with Jesus and I don't think he cares what church you attend or if you are Catholic or Baptist, etc. It is a personal journey and I think you are well on your way.....Happy Easter dear friend, may you always feel the peace and contentment you feel right now. Ah yes forgiveness is wonderful and you are the one who benefits everytime. Love you,.......:-) Hugs

Wonderingsoul said...

Hi Gail,

I know it's probably completely unrelated but just wanted to say that the whole concept of being 'cruel to be kind' reminded me of the notion of 'tough love' that went around in the late 80s/early 90s. It was the idea of deliberate parental non intervention in families where a chld had an addiction of some kind. unfotunately, it was also propounded as a theory for parents who had kids with schiozophrenia ad other mental health disorders.
My parents were told 'tough love' was the answer to my sister's anorexia.
They wee told they needed to be cruel to be kind.

I can't remember anything feeling as cruel, before or since.

I admire your bravery here Gail. Your honesty is incredible and it leaves me knowing what an amazing person you are.

I'm not anywhere near my best, but it somehow gives me a sense of courage knowing that there are people like you, who seem to have a compassion that doesn't crumble when it is tested.

Cruel kindness is a fallacy.

x

Gail said...

HI WINDERINGSOUL-

I so appreciate your sharing here. I do understand how difficult a concept tough love is and clearly was/is not the answer for your sister.

And I am humbled that you think my honesty here is brave - and if my honesty inspires you then it is all the more worth my shairing - and YOU are more amazing than yo know.

Love Gail
peace.....

Sue Ann Edwards said...

It's a wondrous revelation to be sure! To have our veils part and to finally understand that being Loving is far more beneficial then being right.

Which brings me to question if the label of "cruel" is a loving one?

Maybe a more Loving response towards ourselves, when we find out instead of being "right", we were "wrong", is simply to admit being mistaken?

It's not perfection that counts; it's our ability to embrace imperfection.

Bravo! Way to go!

Gail said...

HI BERNIE-

I have had trouble on a fw blogs posting comments as well. Sometimes blogger is 'off kilter'. :-)

And oh Yes Bernie, Jesus cares very little what church, if any, one attends - He cares about love and truth and kindness and compassion - looks like we are BOTH well on our way.

And forgiveness? It is such a relief.

Love to you my dear, dear friend
Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI SUE ANN-



Thank you so much for visiting and sharing your wise thoughts. I like your words about imperfection and mistakes. Much softer to embrace with much room for better choices moving forward. :-)

Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Clare said...

Gail, I understand so much of what you were saying about holding on to your position. I did that with so many things..... for so long like a foaming pit bull.
I didn't even care at times what the right or need to be right was about anymore. The sense of injustice and smallness I was holding on to....
I was no longer even wearing it wrong! As opposed to well!!!! Nothing felt right anymore. I clung to it..... until it started lifting..... little by little.... each circumstance.
As it still does today. Some I still hold on lock jawed. just not there yet.... but for the most part.... I can actually with pride say...I finally get... I would rather be happy ... than right. I love you my friend .

Margie said...

Gail, your words ...
"I searched every corner of my heart and somehow being loving overpowered being right" are so powerful and say it all!
Bravo!

Margie :)

Gail said...

HI MARGIE-

"Thank you" SO much for your words of understanding and validation. Wow.

Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI CLARE-

I SO appreciate your personal struggles and growth along your journey - I am so glad we 'met' and I love that we understand one another.

Love toyou my friend
Gail
peace.....

Clare said...

Gail... I keep trying to leave a message here..... but it goes away!!!!! I love this post! I read it the other day.Forgiveness... letting go... understanding, hanging on like a pit bull. Intertwining.... at different times...
I am working it out. Your words are beautiful and healing. Thank you for always sharing you. Never holding back.... even in the very painful parts. You have such a great sense of humor as well. I am so happy you are in my life. I send you a heart filled with love. Your friend.... Clare

Clare said...

I guess it did go thru!

Mark said...

Gail,
Thanks for sharing your awakening in this area of your life. The need to be right is a trap of the ego. As you know love does not need to be right, it simply needs to be. I just spoke with someone close to me a couple of hours ago and recommended that she quit rationalizing why she was right and how her being right justified her actions. When we let go of being right we let go of the poison that we often choke on. Thanks for sharing this. Love is humble and you are love.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

You have just described the essence of forgiveness! And it is beautiful! You have said it all...I have no words...wonderful, uplifting post! ~Janine XO

Diana said...

I completely understand what you're talking about Gail. I think it's time, age, experience and just plain old growing up that makes the change.
I have learned that feeling self righteous, even under the worse circumstances was more of a feeling of judgment. And I have learned that it is not up to me to judge. Now that doesn't mean that I still don't catch myself being judgmental, I just know better now.
I am very glad that you have grown past that pain. Love Di ♥

Gail said...

HI CLARE-

Yes, your wonderful comment came through :-) "thank you" SO much, I am truly humbled by your words to me. And my sharing my truth is all I have to offer - and when others find it healing or helpful such wonder adds meaning and purpose to my life's journey. I am so happy we have found each other.

Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI MARK- thank you SO much for sharing of your friends recent struggle with being 'right'. I felt justified for so long - and believed I was being loving - I know that is not true now. I am humbled by my own admissions. I am so glad you understand.

Love to you
Gail
peace......

Gail said...

HI SNIFFLES & SMILES - JANINE

So good to have yo visit. And yes, it is forgiveness - such a relief. Amen.

Love to you and healing energy
Gail
peace......

Gail said...

HI DIANA-

I love how you understand so well some of my insights, short comngs, and processes. And yes, judgments were a big part of it - sigh.

Love to you my friend
Gail
peace.....

Eileen said...

Yeah, I've been there, Gail, many times. Self-rightousness is a cold companion. It's good company for a very little while, but it gets old fast.
What amazes me about myself is that knowing this, I still walk side-by-side with it over and over again!

Good for you, Gail! You chose wisely!
Love to you,
Eileen

Gail said...

HI EILEEN-

thank you so much for sbairng so honestly. I am so relieved I let go of being right - we will see if this lesson 'sticks'... :-)

Love you
Gail
peace......

Turquoise Diaries said...

Wonderful post Gail..Thanks for sharing it with us

Andy said...

We all do this Gail, I'm pretty sure you'll find. Some only realise what they're doing when it's too late or choose not to do the right thing. That's the saddest thing.

Gail said...

HI ANDY-

I am happy to see you here :-) And yes, it is so sad indeed when it is toolate to love rather than be right.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI TURQUOISE-

How is life in Turkey? I am glad you came by and enjoyed the post.
Love Gail
peace.....

Wanda said...

Gail...I am guilty of forgetting to come back, after reading and commenting twice and having it fail to publish. Your posts are always so insightful and honest, touching on issues or traits we all have dealt with at one time or another. A loving way is the answer to all questions and problems.
♥...Wanda

Gail said...

HI WANDA-

Ya, I and others it seems have ben having problems posting comments. Hmmmmmm

thank you for your diligence and your supportive and understanding words to me. You are so kind to "normalize" what I wrote about phew. :-)

Love to you
Gail;
peace.....

CordieB said...

Gail, I don't know if you are speaking on the relationship you have with your girlfriend. But I do know that I decided not to comment on posts about how you felt about her, because I knew in my heart that you would find a loving way to deal with that situation. And I also felt that it wasn't my place to say it; as you would have to find it out yourself. And I prayed silently that you would find peace. And now, I come back and find that you are truly evolving in love. What a blessing you are. Stay loving... Doesn't it make you feel good when you approach any of life's perceived problems with love?

Much love to you Gail!

Peace, Light and Love, C.

Gail said...

HI CORDIEB

Yes, yes it is about my friend with whom I have struggled over hte past yher. And yes, this place of surrender and kindness and\love is so freeing and right.

I appreciate your silent prayers and good thoughts as I reached this loving [place in my own time.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....