Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Resolve and surrender - the freedom and ache of it all

....and here we are in the heart of Winter.  The Christmas season has been honored and memories created - and the New Year brings renewed hope. 
I thought that 2015 would be a year of resolve.  Now there's a loaded topic, right?   I don't have a lot of conflict resolution to tend to, thank goodness. One person in particular has left me wounded for quite some time. I have missed her for a very long time and have tried every way I know to rekindle our friendship. I just couldn't believe that she did not want me in her life nor was she interested anymore in sharing in mine.  We shared a deep and loving relationship/friendship with promises of forever friends - I guess I was the only one who knew, knows what a promise means.
 This is her at a combination graduation/engagement dinner celebration Skipp and I hosted

And this is a picture of our strong friendship circle of women -    which eventually fell apart.  Oh how I miss the strength of our circle.  The woman on the right went back 'home' to Australia, we are in touch' but it is so far apart.  The woman on the left stays in touch via a text or a phone call - but they are both rare. And the one in the middle I miss the most and is just gone - moved on so to speak and didn't want me along anymore.  So sad.  Her reasons were so odd; about our being in different stages of our lives, her in the fast lane and me slowing down - what?? When my Mom died she sent me a text saying she was sorry  - oh my - Sure sign things were over, huh?  Plus I truly believe she felt my having MS was a or would be a burden to her and stifle her life.  Again, how sad is that, huh? I  tried everything I know to keep our friendship(s) alive, but I was the only one trying.  I fought the good fight until I didn't.

I emailed her a week ago where I congratulated her on the birth of her son and told her how I have missed her and would love to see her again and meet her son.  She replied after a week.  Kind and cordial - wished me/us well and thanked me for the email.  She did not respond to or mention our getting together - and so it is - over.  I don't or wont or shouldn't or can';t try anymore.  Such true surrender is a relief and a terrible heart ache.  I knew I was opening myself to such pain again but I had to try - and so I have. I ached most of the night - but in the light if day I am better - a dull sad surrender of grief and loss.  I saw a post on facebook that said, "don't look for happiness in the same place you lost it"!!  And there it is, right?   And Skipp said - "....she has no idea what she is missing in you"  :-)  

To friendships that once were - and to those that are true to the end of time. Thank you JoAnn, Larry, Rosann, and Sherry - Amen