Friday, February 26, 2010

Veiled Ice-Snow Mist

Gracey-Blue is getting so big as you can see! :-) She is very comfortable and very happy in the snow. It is going to snow all day and night. And as Grizz over at "Riverdaze" pictured and described on his blog - it is hard to discern between heaven and earth as the veiled snow mist blends from the sky to the ground. It is magical and mystical.

It is a good day for me to be in the magic and wonder of a veiled snow mist. I need the filters and iced-haze to keep my view obscured. It is peaceful that way, and defies reality. It provides confusion of sorts that has no foundation - rather just a surrender to whatever lies within or just beyond. It lends itself to wonder and waiting and creative imaginings of what lurks in the white iced veiled mist. I am excited by the possibilities. My mind wanders. I am hidden in a tree fort - held up with nuts and dried fruit, water and quilts - no one knows I am there. I am protected and hidden by the very same veiled iced snow mist that covers them. We are so close we could touch one another if we reached just a bit - but we don't dare. Not yet, not today. Today I relax in the veil that covers me - the veil that binds heaven and earth in wonder.

Tomorrow, when the veil falls to the ground, or does it lift to the sky? Either way it will be gone and my view will be crystal clear and I will be rested. Nature provides days like this so we are blinded for a time - unable to 'see' what is right in front of us. Knowing it is there but best left alone for at least a day. Today I am imagining, creating, blending in to the iced snow veiled mist.....

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I was surprised by the amount of additional snow we received the other day - well, surprised is not the right word - the weather forecasters seem to predict quite inaccurately - on the day they called for over a foot of snow we got several inches and on the day they said "an inch or two" we got ten inches!! Mind boggling, isn't it? With all their doppler radar and prediction equipment they cannot predict with any degree of accuracy. I can smell snow, feel it coming and I have just my God-given equipment, senses, and intuition. They are more reliable than the technology. :-)

Today is sunny, 40 degrees although we are still blanketed in snow - Gracey-Blue is in her glory romping about in the sun warmed snow. I watch her from the deck as she explores and plays. She never goes far - I must always be in her view. She is training amazingly well. Number one is she is completely house broken - lets us know when she needs to go out every time. :-) She comes on 'call-command' which is so important to me given my inability to go after her. She waits at the door to be "invited in" - we taught her not to rush past me in both direction - going out or coming back in. She waits. It is important that I/we lead and she follow. We are the "pack-leaders". I am learning so much from Casar, The Dog Whisperer!!. We are quite happy that she sleeps all night now and whimpers to go out around 7:00 and then comes back in and goes right back to sleep - she is a very calm pup, thank goodness. She has her playful times and she loves to run outside but for the most part she is content just being next to me, laying at my feet or snuggled by my side. :-) We are delighted with her. And it is obvious she is very happy too.

Seems Spring is on the horizon, although Tuesday in to Wednesday we might be hit with a mixed bag of Winter weather - sleet, snow, ice and wind. And also Thursday in to Friday - a similar mix. Time will tell. I am looking forward to getting outside more. I have ordered another rollator (walker with four wheels and a seat and hand brakes) so I can go about the yard and access road to the mail boxes and feel more secure - more so than just with my cane. I am going to use my older rollator around here and the new one for "going out" - like my "dress-up rollator" and my older one will now be my every day bang around rollator. Cool huh? I amaze myself some times at how I have accepted/adjusted to needing support and balance when I leave the house. It just makes good sense. In fact, a neighbor happened by yesterday to ask if we could make some copies of a CD for him. While chatting he noticed my cane - although I am sure he 'noticed' before - anyway, he asked me if I had injured myself? I said "oh no, I have M S". He was obviously taken back and then he, like most people, get that 'look', as if I just shared I am dieing. It is an awful look of sympathy, fear, alarm and so forth. In response to the "look" I find myself calming their fear and reassuring them I am all-right. Amazing huh? Most folks don't know what to say - they fumble with the 'right words' and I have heard the full spectrum from something as insensitive as "So, are you having a breakdown over this news?", to some very kind responses like, "oh, and how are you doing with managing it"?...and everything in between. One person actually said, "oh just get over it"!!! Mind boggling. I remember feeling so offended and angry at that time, and now, I could care less what people say, don't say, do, don't do - it appears I have taken that journey about which I re posted from 'Acceptance To Surrender'. Hallelujah!!! :-) And since I SO love that haunting song I am going to end with it again - take time, listen, feel, see how the words and music speak to you. I find that it impacts me differently depending on what is going on in the moment. How 'bout you???

Friday, February 19, 2010

RE-POST "The Journey From Acceptance To SUrrender"

I have noticed on other blogs a theme, if you will that has much to do with acceptance, surrender......................and so I decided to re-post my take on that journey.

The journey from acceptance to surrender. It can be long or short, depending on what it is one is dealing with. Winning the lotto? Pretty quick journey! Being betrayed by someone you love? A longer and more difficult journey. Agreed?

For the sake of this writing let's all agree that acceptance happens in our heads. It is a conflict of thoughts; bargaining, arguing, angering, resisting, denying, fighting, wishing, praying, begging, raging - getting the picture? It is pure chaos!

So what of surrender then? It happens deep inside. It is a total experience and captures our essence and core. It is: a relief, peaceful, hopeful, freeing, pure, cleansing, and has a new direction. New direction? Yes. A new direction. Stay with me here.

So what is the problem?

ANGER AND FEAR are the blocks that keep people stuck in the chaos of acceptance. It is so hard to break through those two emotions and on to surrender. Anger at whomever or whatever. Fear of the unknown. And so people run, from themselves, going to great lengths to separate themselves from themselves, up to and including death. Yes death. I see it all the time. Sad huh? Very sad, indeed.

So okay, you stop running, you face "IT", whatever it is and you stand naked right in "IT". Now what? It is you and "IT", the very "IT" or "IT's" you have spent a life time hiding.
Guess what? "It" never goes away. "IT" is part of you, part of the fabric of your design, that which defines you. Hah! It is yours to hold on to, not let go of. And how do you respond? You can never change the meaning of your "it's" but you CAN add another meaning to "IT".

For example: MADD - do you think the horror and tragedy for those Mom's and Dad's that lost their children to drunk drivers will ever go away? Never. not in a million years. And so they created MADD to add another meaning to their tragic losses. Never ever disregarding the original horror, if they did there would be no MADD, right?

And so the challenge for all of us is to honor our truths for what they are and then add another meaning to them to bring purpose and light to our truths, our "It's" never possible had these IT's not occurred.

Over time let's honor all of our truths and "IT's and begin to find ways to add another meaning to their existence.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

WILD THING warning - (some sexual content)

I went to the hair dresser yesterday and my new color is 'mocha' and it is very rich and sensual, I think. And I had my nails done as pictured above. Wild huh? This is me coming back in to myself, on firmer ground and in touch with my, shall we say, sensual self. I was commenting over at "whitemists' blog and I shared that when my husband Skipp came home last night I was asleep with Gracey-Blue' curled up at my side. I felt Skipp take my hand from under the covers so he could 'see' my nails. I heard him softly and happily say, "You are a wild thing". I drifted off to sleep feeling so adored. :-)

I am finding my center again - and have adjusted to some of the changes and I am less unsettled by the changes yet to happen. I found my place and strength and footing. Amen. And so, my playful, sensual, rebellious, high spirited self takes the lead!! I find myself daring and quick witted where before I would have leaned toward caution and observing. I am very much in tune with "Annie", the kid in me. I remember when feeling anything from that time in my life was horrifying - and I did all I could to escape any memory or feelings - and now, it is fun, and spirited, playful and even risky. As in NO fear.

I am comfortable asking for what I need as a fully alive sexual being - where before I was disgusted by those wants and desires and feelings. Anything associated with the teacher or the priests(s) I deemed immoral, evil, wrong and disgusting - I saw myself that way. Not any more.!!!! I celebrate those feelings now and have for a long time because to do otherwise empowers my abusers and dis empowers me. They had enough of me - I choose NOT to give any of my power to them. I remember those feelings well - and if I choose I can feel them again as they are part of me. And truth be told? When I am feeling like this, alive and in touch with my feminine and sensual side, I do think of them - because no matter how much I wish it were not true, they influenced my sexuality - and in order for me NOT to respond to their evil doings I must be aware of it so I can choose a healthier path - away from what they did. I am okay with the crossroad - it is my road to cross to goodness or to evil - I choose goodness.

And so I am happy to report that I (and Annie) are going to go out today and be young at heart, free, playful and so alive. The woman I am is going to ravish Skipp later - I have plans that will rock his world. And to think, there was a time I would have thought this evil - now it is nothing short of glorious and a celebration of love and my womanhood!! For anyone who knows of the agony and despair and pain of the healing journey from sexual abuse you know the miracle of this - I am filled with gratitude and thrilled that I am proudly, happily and now naturally, a "Wild Thing"!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Here is Gracey-Blue with my dear friend "Sophie". I hosted one of our "beautiful women friends" dinners last Thursday. We actually had breakfast for dinner. - Quiche, fruit, muffins, pancakes, bacon, orange juice and coffee. mmmmmmmmm Gracey-Blue' fit right in with all the beautiful
ladies. :-)

Here is a picture of yesterdays "Nor-Easter'!! It wasn't as intense as predicted but we ended up with about nine inches of snow and harsh winds. Woo!

This is the view from our front door this morning. Our pond is partially covered!! Beautiful, huh?

And here is Gracey-Blue sniffing around in the snow, off our back deck. She loves the snow - she is part Husky, after all. :-)

These pictures were taken about 7:30 this morning. The sun is out now, bright and warm - melting some of the walkways, decks and icy roads. Although, later tonight it is going to get quite cold and all the melting will freeze causing 'black ice' which makes for very dangerous travel.

Skipp and I had a wonderful two days together - Tuesday and Wednesday being 'our weekend'. :-) I am so blessed to have such a love. We both are. We are natural and relaxed, find humor and joy in one another and in the simplest of life's offerings. We so love our home where many find solace, music, understanding, love and laughter - and of course good food and wine! :-)

I am feeling settled again, The shift is subsiding. I am standing on ground - having adjusted to many levels of new realities around me and for myself too. I am surrendering to some things, tweaking and exploring some other things and letting go of some things and even celebrating some things. Before I felt I had no compass - no direction - I was hanging on while the swirling and movement and shift forged on around and under me and within me. It was quite unsettling actually. And yet it was fascinating, frightening, purposeful and enlightening. Phew.

Life is like sailing - some times it is smooth and some times we have to hold on to the mast for dear life!!

Enjoy this video,.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

No more "if onlys" -

I was really awakened by what he said.

I watched as his wheel-chair van pulled down the road and parked on a wide curve so he could open the large side door and lower the electric lift and ramp. It was our Christmas visit actually. He rolled up in his wheelchair and sat outside my front door - unable anymore to come in for coffee - He was so excited to meet Gracey-Blue. She adored him. He is a big man, very big - full beard and Santa Claus blue eyes - we exchanged the simplest of gifts - I brought him a steaming mug of coffee. I wedged open my outer storm door door and sat on the bottom stair so we could visit. We spoke from our heats for over an hour.

I was, in what I named, my "if only" mood. I was wishing whatever were different. Such a waste of energy but I gave in and was wallowing. Ick! And so I said, "this damn disease we have, it is so limiting at times - if only we didn't have MS, huh? You would be able to just walk in and have coffee with me"!!!! .......................................He paused and said, "If I never got diagnosed with M S I never would have met you............" I was so stunned and awakened by the strength of his words, attitude, accepting nature and seeing the gift in our disease that I just sighed in awe. And so it was true - he was a machine repair man and mechanic at their family business for years - after he was diagnosed with M S he went back to school to become a drug and alcohol counselor. He did his internship at my work and was under my supervision for two full semesters. My agency hired him as a per Diem counselor and two years later I was diagnosed with M S. We have been friends for years now and he is 100% right - if he never got MS we never would have met. In his heart - I am one of the gifts he received because he got MS. Wow!!
That snapped me right out of the "if only" mood I was in.

I am thinking today of the many gifts I have received that would not be mine to cherish were it not for some tragic event. My whole chosen field of work is an outcome to tragedy - my surrender and drive to turn tragedy in to triumph and I have. There is no triumph in "if only", only despair. I am glad I was awakened in a day to the gifts I have been given - regardless of their origins - actually in honor of their origins. It wasn't always that way - but it has been for a long time. The other day was a set back of sorts - driven by current events all around me where I have felt my life shifting - I am getting steady, firm, on solid ground once again - Amen!

I am going to bundle up and take Gracey-Blue out for a romp in the yard. I will take my cane for balance and watch her puppy frolic with joy and elation - as I feel the gift of my strength to be outside in nature - to feel, see, breathe, hear, touch, smell, taste and move - I am alive and there is hope. Let's all hope.

Friday, February 5, 2010


Motherhood - this Mama Bear knew, felt that her baby cub was in trouble. She showed up, just in time to ward off impending doom. I feel like that Mama bear some times - because I know, and I feel, and I sense, and I show up to save them. And at times they welcome my saving, and they nestle in my arms, snuggle under my chin - cry softly, tears of relief and love. And at times I am screaming to them, "DANGER, DANGER, DANGER"!! And they turn away from me and head straight toward the harm, the ill-intent I wince and cover my eyes, as I hold on to my heart, and pray they find their way through the storm.

This video of the Mama and her cub together is SO beautiful to me. I felt it so strongly - the love, the protection, the strength, the relief, the promise. Ah, motherhood.