Friday, April 9, 2010

Light their way home.

All good reports!! My blood pressure is well within normal range. While my doctor was checking it and the numbers kept going lower he kind of chuckled and said. "whose arm is this, where did Gail's arm go??"" :-) And, my back is so much better. I am still doing heat treatments and being careful but I haven't even needed a Tylenol in days. The unexpected heat a couple days ago knocked me for a loop!! MS doesn't respond well to heat. It is cool and rainy today so I am SO much better - not droopy any more. Phew. So there is the physical condition update.

Now, let's talk about my emotional/mental and even spiritual (because they all are connected), "state of being". Surprisingly, despite some family dilemmas, I am okay. Part of the reason for that is because the situation is not close in proximity, however it is still close to my heart. I just don't 'see' the day to day overt and subtle elements of this situation because they live so far away. That is both a gift and a curse. My imagination can run wild and/or I can pretend it is not all that bad.

I realized something though - and it was a harsh realty to absorb. What is happening now with my eldest daughter and her son is so far out of my reach. As the years went by and she remained so distant my/our involvement was less and less. The results or price of her decision to move so far away has had unfortunate outcomes. Had she stayed near by, our family could/would have helped raise her son who required and still requires much more than she or any single parent could provide. He is now the angry result of lack of support and assistance and opportunity. She has "thrown her hands in the air" - and wants to be free of the responsibility for his care. The life has been squeezed out of their relationship - each victim to the other - each angry - each feeling unloved by the other.

Some where over the years I 'lost my place' in their lives. Oh sure, I sent gifts for all their birthdays and all the holidays - I called every week and they called too - and at times I was invited in to explore options for resolve for other situations - sadly, I was usually not ever given or told the whole story. There were always variables that my daughter kept secret - and she made it quite clear when I stepped over the line. I continued to communicate love, no matter what. I can count on one hand over the past 10 years the times I really challenged my daughter angrily with little regard for any self control - and this would shake things up a bit but not for long. The distance and questions and concerns forged on. Basically, I have loved, and supported as I could and helped if I was asked. I painfully and sadly accepted that her choice to live so far away and keep parts of her life secret were her decisions. My power was in what I could do to show love and share in joy and provide support if I was included in a situation. Every now and then her harsh reality finds its way to my door and heart as is the case now. And it is out of my reach to resolve. It is right here - BOOM!! I am getting out of the way of the blast - waiting for the dust to settle - trying SO hard not to go into a ranting of "I TOLD YOU SO's" !!!!! I have a slew of those ready to spew.

And so I will listen - quietly. Validate as best I can - Hope and pray for better days for her and her children - I keep the candles in every window of our home lit so they can be seen from every angle - they represent the "light that I hope one day will guide them home................"





16 comments:

cinner said...

Hello my friend, I am glad to hear you are doing okay. when you described how you feel with the heat, I thought thats exactly how I feel. I really do wish you resolve with your daughter but believe you are doing the right thing. I know it really bothers you as you have said in previous posts.....maybe one day. in the meantime, a huge hug to you and days filled with peace. Be well.

Mark said...

Gail,
You are doing what is need to be done. Be there, be available and allow. Thanks for the video it is great.

Remember your wings!

Choices said...

Hi Gail,
Such a beautiful post. The song was so touching and every so true.
Parenting and motherhood is so very hard when we see our children struggling. You are doing all you can, Gail. Your children know you are there for them, and just know in time, they will come back and say,"Mom, you were right." Just be patient.
Smiles to you.

Grant said...

Since I'm new here I don't know the full details of your condition, but my diabetes keeps me on the border of having high blood pressure. I started taking baby aspirin (81mg) and it's not only lowered my blood pressure but helped drop by blood glucose levels as well.

Gail said...

HI GRANT-

My doc doesn't want me to take the baby aspirin, hmmmmmmmmm I hear only good things, just like you said. I guess I will leave well-enough alone since all my #'s are good. phew. So nice to see you :-)

Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI CHOICES-ANNE

Yes, motherhood is bth rewarding and so scary too. "Thank you" so much for your kind support - it means a lot to me.

Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI MARK-

and "thank you" for your true understanding of the most sensitive of matters.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI CINNER-

"Hey" girl...... love you.

And yes, I get troubled from time to time when new information comes my way about my daughter and or her kids. And like I said, the 500 mile distance is both good and not so good. Thank you so much for your belief in me, it means so much.

And as far as the heat and MS - I see many similarities in our conditions - go figure!! :-)

Love you so much -
Gail
peace....

Wanda said...

Live and learn, that's usually what happens with children. Some learn sooner than others. Hope their situation is mended and doesn't cause you any undo stress, Gail. Just keep those lights burning and stay in a good "state of being", Gail!
♥...Wanda

Gail said...

HI WANDA_

Oh yes, some take much longer to learn - and the candles ill remain lit in the window and in my heart as long as I am alive

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Bernie said...

Good Luck Gail, I know you will do the right thing......sometimes it is best to move away from the blast, let the dust settle and then hold on ...... be well my friend, keeping you and your family in my prayers....:-) Hugs

Gail said...

HI BERNIE

thank you so very much for your kind support and understanding. ANd you give good hugs. :-)

Love Gail
Peace.....

Whitemist said...

Glad the physical is going okay and the motional, etc is far away!
Best of everything to you.

Gail said...

HI JOEY-

nice to see you, and "thanks" :-)

Love Gail
peace.....

Eileen said...

Well, at least you are no longer part of the blast, and that's a very positive thing. But as a mother, I think it's sometimes one of the hardest things not to step in and say "This is what I KNOW is right!"

And I know with myself being so close to a similar situation, and having it in my face every day, I have to bite my tongue every day. I don't envy your situation either, the distance, the 'wondering what is going on' must be it's own purgatory at times.

Thanks for sharing your story.
I'm glad you have found a place of peace. I will keep you all in my prayers.
Stay strong.
Love to you,
Eileen
PS ~ 'Didn't mean to dismiss the good news from your doctor! Big smile here!

Gail said...

HI EILEEN

I so appreciate what you wrote and your shared honesty gives me such hope - one line in particular

"the wondering what is going on' must be it's own purgatory at times."

It is all bitter sweet , you have it right there in your face and I have only waht I imagine. sigh.....
And ya, I ma peaceful with knowing that there is nothing I can do to control this situation - if opportunity presentrs I can perhaps offer some suggestions with NO attachment to outcomes.

Thanks SO much Eileen.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....