Thursday, April 16, 2009

"Choice Theory" a Re-Post

I have found some amazing new blogs to frequent. And I am thrilled that new folks are visiting me, as well. I have also noticed that people are clear and confident about the "what and whys" of life, what makes us whole, energy, living in the moment, and it is all so enlightening and purposeful and insighful and often writtten so eloquently that I am in awe. . I too have a foundation upon which I rely. It include much of what I have read on other sites and is blended with my own beliefs. I thought I would re-post my insight into human behavior. So, here it is:

Monday, November 17, 2008

"CHOICE" and how not to be "Tied To Te Whipping Post"

I just deleted a "post", titled "Tied To The Whipping Post", named after a song by the Alman Brother's Band. I saved it in a document for later posting. It wasn't time. Perhaps it will never be the right time.
I was definitely strongly challenged regarding an understanding I live by that explains perfectly, all human behavior. I am going to put it out here for your considerations. I have touched on this in earlier posts. Here goes: This is founded in William Glasser's 'Choice Theory' upon which the counseling style 'Reality Therapy' was developed. For this writing the focus will be an explanation of 'Choice Theory', earlier referred to as 'Control Theory'. To validate my right to even explain this I will tell you I am certified in this theory, was on the Board of Directors of The New England Assocition of Reality Therapy and live freely, not blaming or as a victim by knowing its rationale.

What motivates a behavior? We are internally driven not externally driven to meet our basic psychological needs, no different than our basic survival needs for food, shelter, procreation, these needs are encoded within us. They are: 1- love and belonging, 2 - power and control (meaning that we believe what we do has value to ourselves and at least one other person, 3 - fun and 4- freedom (to choose to live our life as we desire, such as sexual orientation, style of dress, and so forth). Every day from the day we are born until the day we die every behavior is our best attempt at the time to meet one or all of our basic psychological needs.

Let's take for example a baby. What behavior does it use to meet all it's needs. Right, crying. Eventually, when that doesn't work the baby may try cooing or whatever and so begins the process of each person storing, what is referred to as "need satisfying behaviors to meet our needs". We all have what I will call, a "picture album of behaviors that meet our needs". These "pictures" change over time and the one's we no longer find need satisfying become memories and new pictures are put into our albums for easy access. The best way to explain this is with the following example. When I was three my Dad brought home a little red tractor that he made for me. That tractor met all my needs, it was fun, I had belonging because other little kids came over to ride it, I had power because I felt quite grown up and in charge when I rode it and I was definitely having fun. When that tractor no longer served to meet my needs I replaced it with a bike and eventually a car. The tractor was now a memory of what used to work. Otherwise I would be riding it to work! Right? :-) Moving along. A little about how we are internally motivated to behave to meet our needs and not externally driven. This seems to invoke the most resistance. I understand as I resisted too because in embracing this I could never blame anyone for my behavior and as unsettling as that is I will tell you it is truly empowering and freeing beyond measure. Examples: If you are stopped at a red light and it never turned green would we find your decayed body at that light years later. Of course not. One stops at the light because they are choosing not to break the law. So yes, the external prompted the thought but meeting one's internal needs drove the behavior. I, like you, have gone through many red lights. Another example - when the phone rings do you always answer it? No,I am sure you don't. SO the ringing does promote the thought or feeling but the behavior/choice to answer is internally motivated. We are bombarded by many external factors but what we choose to do in response is ALWAYS about us. No one can make another person behave/act. Breathe............

Okay - phew.............


Next -, "What is a behavior?" Every behavior is broken down in to four parts. 1-thinking, 2- feeling, 3-doing, 4- physiology (as in increased heart rate or tears just flow, etc.). Of the four the ONLY part we are 100% responsible for all the time is the DOING. Every day we are bombarded by external stimuli that forces us to' choose a behavior in response to the external stimuli and what we do in response is always about the one doing the behavior and not about their external world. Here is a very personal accounting to make my point for you, my readers:


When my daughter was seven she was tested and labeled mentally retarded. The language back then was harsh. This label opened up a whole set of discriminatory events, one of which being she had to ride the "special bus" to another school to learn in the 'special needs program'. Those buses were a big red flashing sign that might as well have just flashed "retard". Quite unkind. Anyway, her 'special bus' would pull up around the same time as the 'normal bus'. One kid in particular targeted her. He was older, 14 or 15, a "Jock" type, my little girl was 10. He would do such things as call her cruel names, pull her hair, bump her, pull on her back pack and so forth. She came home crying, often. I spoke to the school, the bus driver and even his Mother - I did all the right things. I would stand on the hill looking down to where the buses stopped. One day my daughter got off the bus and he came up behind her, tore her back pack off so aggressively that she fell face down. In seconds I was charging down the hill, I, without skipping a beat, threw him off balance and right on to the ground, I had my knee in his shoulder while yelling, "you wanna try that with me?" Now, who was responsible for what I CHOSE to do? Certainly not him, that was 100% about me. Did his behavior provoke angry thoughts? Yes! Did his behavior provoke strong feelings? Yes! Did his behavior create an immediate physiology in me? Absolutely, my heart was racing, my hands were clenched. But he DID NOT make me run down that hill and put him on the ground. That made sense to ME at the time. I could have been arrested, thank God I wasn't. And clearly, he never bothered her again and I was known from that point on as the 'crazy lady who waited on the hill!' I share this to make a point. I would never even consider crediting him with my behavior. It is not his to own. And so we are faced with choices every day that are stimulated by many factors. Again, what we do is always about us and our internal drive to meet our basic psychological needs. And by the way, we can never assume which need another person is meeting by their behaviors, it is unique and individual to each of us based on the "pictures we have stored in our album of need-satisfying behaviors.

Some of the more horrific external stimuli are quite difficult to apply to choice theory. It is so much easier to blame, I know. Having been a victim myself I take responsibility for what I did in response,. Of course I wish the stimuli never happened. We are powerless over other peoples behaviors and powerful in our own, even in the worst of circumstances. When I think of the sexual abuse I endured I know what he did was not my fault. I did what I could in that horrible situation to survive the encounters. I give him NO credit for how I survived him, that was about me. Yes, he is to blame for his actions and why that made sense to him will remain a mystery. What pictures did he have in his album? As one who survived I take all the credit for surviving him.

Sometimes the pictures we have stored in our albums are harsh as they meet the demands of our internal world. I had need satisfying pictures no 10 year old should ever have to have, not ever. Again, as a survivor and not a victim I take great pride in my choices and I hold him to nothing. The list could go on of behaviors people have stored in their albums that are so unfortunate and horrid, times of war, assaults, violence, all types of abuse, illness, and the list goes on. I wish with all my might such things didn't exist and that everyone had picture albums filled with gentle behaviors to meet their needs at any given time. Again, I am writing this to empower you. To let you know that no one can ever blame you for what they did nor can you hold anyone accountable for your behavior. Yes, they, sadly, are responsible for their actions and you are then able to create a picture of a behavior that will work to meet YOUR needs. Even in the worst of times. The on going argument is always, "if they didn't do whatever then I wouldn't have done whatever"> I get it, I do. I guess if we wait for the world to be okay so we only have to choose 'nice behaviors' we will be waiting until we die. There will always be powerful events that provoke a strong reaction, it is just that what we DO in response is about the one doing the doing.
In new situations we are forced to find a way to meet our needs by creating a new behavior and then storing it in our album until it no longer works to meet our needs. When I think of the work I do with addiction every client is there because what they were doing no longer works and they are searching for new behaviors to replace the old ones, i.e - using drugs or alcohol. Each person is deciding if they can get high once more or drink again without consequence. Every one is deciding if they have had enough pain. Pain and pleasure are powerful internal motivators that promote changing pictures of need satisfying behaviors. It happens in marriages all the time and certainly applies well to addiction. If people couldn't change the 'picture' of who they choose to love then there would never be a divorce. It is really no different than my red tractor story - in theory. You keep the picture and thus the behavior until it no longer works to meet your needs.

At the risk of beating a dead horse I will conclude. I hope you have been empowered by 'Choice Theory" and that you at least will consider that your behaviors are just that, your behaviors. You are 100% in charge, not of what the world hands you but what you do in response despite the challenge. I am sure this has raised a few eye brows and I understand why. When I think of how I started this post referencing the title "Tied To The Whipping Post" I am aware of my own internal conflict of what will be most need satisfying. My own basic needs are in conflict over this which is often the case. for all of us. Consider, if you will, the wondrous uniqueness and freedom in the above writing. It will only be so if YOU decide it is in your best interest in meeting your basic needs at this time.

Gail
peace.....

15 comments:

Liara Covert said...

Human beings receive an influx of data about the world and themselves from varied sources. Opinions are put forth and adopted. Authorities are designated and accepted outside the self as part of a process. People will ask how can one know a true teacher or identify what is or is not false information?

Authentic, spiritually evolved souls empower you and guide you to be more loving toward others and yourself. This implies being more accepting, tolerant and understanding of each unique perspective without imposing views or judging. True mentors encourage you to go within self to find your own answers. Each human being is at a particular stage of awareness based on physical and other experience. One is not meant to simply accept what someone describes as supposed fact. Different kinds of guidance and teacing exist. Each person chooses what makes sense at a given moment as part of a very personal journey. Right and wrong do not exist.

Gail said...

I appreciate you taking the time to comment. And when you wrote "each person chooses what makes sense at any given moment as part of a person journey...." I 100% agree and it is exactly what I was writing about as well. We certainly choose a unique way f expressing ourselves, huh? And isn't that wonderful, that we can and do. :-)

Love and peace
Gail

Liara Covert said...

Self-directed learning takes each soul along a path with many twists and turns. Every human being creates a learning curve as a route back to reconnect with soul. Every being is energy sentience, has awareness and intelligence. These concepts are disconnected or mis-aligned to obscure self-understanding or core truth. The mind is a complex tool. One's primary task may be to overcome self-imposed limitations and misunderstandings on route to realigning with intuition. Inner knowing jabs you with gut feelings every now and then, just to remind you that you know more than you consciously choose to recall.

Gail said...

Liara-

I SO know that "gut feeling" of which you write.

I am sure I knowmore that I know, and at the same time I also believe the mind allows us recall when the rest of a person is ready to take it on. Integrate, if you will.

Gail
peace

Liara Covert said...

When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears. When the teacher is ready, the student appears. Every being learns from every other.

Gail said...

Hi Liara-

My sentiments exactly. We all can learn so much from one another -

Love Gail
peace.....

Anonymous said...

Read The Power Of Self Separation get a copy at http://www.prlog.org/10216360-professor-author-teaches-profound-concept-trust-safety-selfseparation.html or at http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/ThePowerOfSelfSeparation.html this will make you stronger

Andy said...

Great post. All so true. Sometimes it is hard to accept that the actions YOU took were not 'caused' by someone else - but, for certain, they weren't. At any time, you have the option to do a different action than the one you do. even inaction is an action that you choose.

(If this has posted twice, please delete one of them, Gail)

Gail said...

Hi Andy-

SO good to see you here. :-) I have missed your words. And I am thrilled you enjoyed this post. I am going to go look and see where and how I posted this twice. eesh.

Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

Anonymous-

I wil check out the sites you listed, Thanks for the info and for the visit.

Gail
peace.....

Liara Covert said...

Gail, emotions are a human-created experience. As you learn what you need from each stage, you have the power to move on to new lessons.

Gail said...

Hi Liara-

Oh yes, I know so well the power from lessons learned. Not to say I haven't given some back from time to time - all things in good time.

Gail
peace.....

Mark E. Zamen said...

Dear Gail,

There is much truth and clarity of vision in your words. One could go on and on discussing the various particular points and concepts. In brief, I commend your insight and was motivated to comment because you've "hit the nail on the head" regarding the essence of what I present in my just-released biographical novel, Broken Saint. It is the fictionalized story of a real man I knew for about forty years, a man torn apart by the internal and external difficulties he encountered trying to deal with being gay; in his case, the problems were exacerbated by his bipolarism. Anyway, if you would care to check it out it is available at www.eloquentbooks.com/BrokenSaint.html, www.amazon.com, and elsewhere.

Thanks,

Mark Zamen, author

Gail said...

Dear Mark-

Thank you" for your kind and insightful comment. I will go to your site again - I just saw the book The ROpe" which drew my interest. :-)

I am very pleased you came by and I hope you will visit again.

Love and peace
Gail

Shen said...

There is so much in this post... and I agree with pretty much all of it - right down to you running down the hill to protect your child.

The thing is, sometimes its really hard to know how to meet my needs. This is exactly the kind of thing I've been doing in therapy - trying to figure out what needs were not met in the past so that I can meet them now, for that child.

Even so, when the mood swings come, they often don't seem to be related to anything. I'm up and then I'm down. Maybe there is some need I am not seeing... but whatever the choice is that would keep me from the pitfalls, I am not seeing it.

Maybe I'm missing the point?