Grace - The Wrestler - Doubt

THIS IS A RE-POST. NOT SURE WHY I PICKED THIS ONE BUT I DID. IT IS STRONG AND TRUE. YES, THAT MUST BE WHY.

Here's another side of me, two sides perhaps. After watching "THE WRESTLER and "DOUBT", both of which drove me wild for very different reasons. I must admit, I am many things. each with their own purpose, experience, style, truth, design, and passion, Oh yes, passion. For all my simplicity, peace, introspection, faith, hope, love, compassion, - I am wild. Wildly passionate. The video below, "Everlast" - from the series "Saving Grace" - Oh my - I am intrigued, excited, fascinated, by the song, the show, by her - I love her character, Grace - the challenges, the history, her friends, family, her work, her Angel, her passion and strength - loyalty and honesty, her fears and weaknesses, her secrets, her inhibitions, desires, her dog, and how hard she works at everything. She is confident and yet in her quiet times alone, quite insecure. Ah, but she hides that as she 'fights' for justice and love of family and friends. she is quite promiscuous - it fills a void - puts her in charge - her way to conquer past traumas. Sound familiar to anyone?





Great song huh? I shared my love for Grace as a precursor to my writing about the movies. "The Wrestler" and "Doubt". I am in character somewhat to do so - Grace's character. It is an armor of sorts, a protection, a fierce approach, if you will. I may sound "out of character" for those of you who know me - and it is because I am - I apologize in advance for any harsh realities written in harsh tones and aggression - and as much as I am out of character it is a part of me I can access but seldom do.. Call it my dark side, or perhaps where I am moved to a rawness that is seldom exposed. I believe we all have that side to us - it is created from extremes survived - get it?!!

First, "The Wrestler". Mickey Rourke is absolutely amazing. He is really nice to look at. Talk about fantasy!! More importantly, he is passionate about his life's work as a wrestler. He lost a lot because of it. I was moved to tears by his desperate re-union with his daughter. He failed even after a tear-jerker' of a moment they had. In the end, he died for her and because of her. He was continually haunted by his life - and remained true to his truth - sometimes the truth can destroy us - his did.

"Doubt" I was an emotional mess at the opening scene. Phillip Seymour Hoffman - as Father Flynn. There he was on the altar giving his sermon - the faithful, trusting him - hanging on his every word - as he professed to be a man of God - and all the while he was "diddling" a boy, an altar boy - Donald. And Meryl Streep - Sister Agnacious - She knew - she stood firm - she had certainty . In the end, her certainty became doubt - the church and all it's pompous arrogance was embedded in her spirit - it made her doubt herself - this being the biggest tragedy. I know this doubt - when I filed suit against the arch-diocese and I asked the priest who knew everything to speak on my behalf he said he had no idea what I was talking about - I thought I was going out of my mind - it was a crucial moment of doubt - so powerful it was the only time I ever wanted to end my life. This doubt represented years of strict Catholic Italian upbringing and religious guilt. This doubt was life shattering, life changing, and life as I knew it ended on many levels.

Eventually the whole experience of doubt was life-giving as I emerged with new faith, new insights, new direction-purpose-hope-healing and after years - forgiveness. Quite a journey.

So what is the connection to Grace, The Wrestler and Doubt? Grace is courageous as she faced her past traumas and is on a journey to wholeness. She is filled with doubt and determination. The wrestler surrendered to his truth, the outcomes to his choices and tragically died doing so. He too was on a journey to wholeness and died trying. Doubt? It is a strong emotion which leads people in directions that often destroy them. Why, why, why? Even though Sister Agnacious stood firm to her certainty, in the end her doubt crushed her. Self doubt can be paralyzing.

As I reflect on my strong emotional reactions after watching these movies intertwined with Grace's character I am swirling and remembering. I am Grace, I am The Wrestler, I am Sister Agnacious. I am Grace because I, like her, have fought demons. Although my life's work is not as a cop where I can "get the bad guys" -my work does give me the gift of being part of other's slaying their dragons. I am The Wrestler because I remain true to my truth - even though some of it is horrid it is still me. I felt like him when I wanted to die - I understand his final decision to do so. And Doubt. I stood firm like Sister Agnacious - I was unyielding - and yet in my moments alone with the truth - I had doubt. And truth be told - even today, as I think back - I can doubt my own reality as I feel the power of church-priest-sacrament-sin- still wondering, if when the back of his hand came hard across my face did I deserve it - after all, he was a priest - a man of God. I should not have resisted him. Yes, I have doubt - for all my certainty - for all my standing up and fighting - for all my crushed beliefs -betrayal -that I KNOW to be true - I have moments of doubt. And so I carry that doubt, hidden but there all the same - allowing it to surface when provoked such as with Grace, The Wrestler and Doubt - Recalling that him hitting me was the act of aggression that brought me to light - even all else that he did as he prayed over me, telling me how proud of me he was, that he loved me and was sacrificing himself for me so I could be well - I believed him, I trusted him, right up until he back-handed me.

I am many, many things. It is a miracle I can write this - know this - feel this - believe this - and fear your rejection because most folks want to reject such truth. Do you reject this, me? Do you?

Okay, enough huh? Just know I have no expectation of you one way or the other. I have long since stopped expecting. Regardless, I am here, still me, still a woman of peace and wisdom - love-and compassion, humor, and trying every day to keep it in"neutral". And ya, I 'wrestle' with 'doubt' at times, do you?

Love Gail
Peace............