Monday, April 13, 2009

Everybody Hurts

Everybody hurts, some time, hold on...................... this song, wow. It sends chills, ya know? I was commenting over at Grizzlies amazing site about nature, and Easter and traditions around Easter, what was, what is no longer, what is, and I found myself sharing that "it" hurt then and "it" hurts now. His responses were beautiful, and comforting and understanding and with what I experienced as heartfelt concern and wishes for me to move on, let go, be happy. All of his wishes are true, - I have moved on, I am happy - and I believe this is true because I have not let go. Let me explain:

I believe people go to great lengths to separate themselves from themselves, - up to and including death. I have witnessed this in my work in addictions services countless times. This fight to separate is almost always about something they did or something that was done to them that they wish were not true. For me, what I experienced at the hands of Roman Catholic Clergy is unimaginable, and yet "it" is true, "it" is part of my truth. And the truth is "it" hurt me, deeply. No matter how far I move on or how much I heal the experience was what it was and in my moving forward I honor that. I am actually grateful I can feel "it" when I choose to. The difference is, I am in charge now - "it" is my experience to accept as it happened. My wishing it were not true would be wasted energy and I would be living falsely were I to try, let alone succeed. My past is just that, my past. I cannot pick and choose which events I will hold on to or let go of, they are all part of my unique tapestry of design - all the colors that make me, me. Each one is as it should be.

When a day, such as Easter comes along I remember years passed when I was part of a faith community and so yes, I 'feel' the loss and I remember why I am no longer involved with church. The why is painful, it is suppose to be, I was hurt. At the same time I realize my strength, gifts if you will that resulted from the hurt. My faith is strong, my wisdom abounds, my surrender and acceptance of it all is integrated. What is tragic betrayal and frightening abuse are also some of my greatest gifts because "it" is part of me, and a source of my strength. In order for me to love myself I must love all of me. I didn't come to this place easily or quickly - it was/is a journey and I arrived, whole and enlightened.

So yes, "Everybody hurts" hold on, I did................don't let go. There is a price for that - a high price. What I did with the truth, the hurt is the greater promise - reality......because now, "it" no longer has me tied to the whipping post - I am free, and not of the experience, quite the opposite -I am free to "be", dare I say, in the light because I don't have to hide or keep "it" hidden - remember, "it" is now one of my gifts of self, - I, like you, are a gift - and nothing, or no one can take that from me or from you, only if I/you let them. Don't let them. And don't let go, hold on.............................and at the risk of over-stating, this is "tragedy to triumph", yes, triumph, indeed.



Andy said...

Thanks Gail.

The-Grizzled-But-Still-Incorrigible-Scribe-Himself! said...

Gail…I am pleased and so happy that somehow amid our exchanges yesterday I might have somehow afforded even a smidgen of comfort or help—and humbled that you credit me some connection or influence to your lovely and thoughtful comments here. Really and truly.

You have had some terrible things happen to you, hurts and sorrows and sufferings. That it might have come from those who represent God and goodness makes it doubly awful.

I hope you don't think, ever, that I expected you to forget your history. Nevertheless (and here, I ask that you trust me when I tell you I'm speaking, not from theoretics, but rather personal knowledge—which may or may not one day make it into one of my own blog postings) I do sincerely believe we must eventually let past hurts go. Not forget them—ever. But put the toxicity and negative energy of their presence from our lives and future. Your past is your past. It can shape and influence your future, inform it—but don't allow it to take the driver's seat. You are not your past, or your future—but your today, your right now moment.

The insidious part of past hurts is that we can keep them alive by carrying them with us. Instead of placing that hurt where it rightfully belongs—in our past—we pack it in our "life suitcase" and carry it with us into our tomorrows. It is like a cancer—but a cancer we refuse to have removed.

In the end, for all of us, we live in the now.

Gail said...

Hi Grizz and again, "thank YOU"..... and you are SO very welcome.

We are both saying the same thing, I do NOT live in the hurt of my past, rather I acknowledge that it happened and that it was hurtful. It will always be a part of me, it is part of me, and now I am grateful because I am in "the drivers seat".
I love all of me therefore nothing is toxic or negative, as it once was.

And yes, I am my right now moment, and yesterday, writing to you, it was my moment to remember, and I did, and I am okay, I am more than okay. No cancer, no malignancy, just my truth, in the moment. This moment is different, as will be the next.

Thank you for you wonderful words of insight and understanding.

Love Gail

Comrade Kevin said...

I think with maturity we stop fighting the battle within ourselves and in some ways we come completely full circle. Some reach that point sooner than others.

C. Om said...

All adversity is worth it. Of course it sounds like an old cliche but, "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

I have learned this through my own life experience, and like you, I am truly grateful for the "hard times". They allow us to transcend what we would have previously labeled 'good' and 'bad' only to realize that it is all good (the good with no opposite).

Thank you for sharing this!

Gail said...

@C.Om Hi and thanks for stopping by. :-)

And cliches become such because they make sense. So ya, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Love Gail


Hi Kev, nice to see you. :-) I like what you said about coming full circle. And yes, it happens at different times for each of us.

Love Gail

Kartz said...

As the French say, c'est la vie... Period.

And yeah - as CK said - we mature to become far sighted and get on with life which, per se, is not a smooth sailing ship.

Thank you for sharing the video, ma'am...

Trust all is well.

Peace. Have a nice day.

Liara Covert said...

Some songs just echo in the back of your mind. Every human being has associations with music on conscious and unconscious levels. Music effecively triggers memories. Music is also a healing tool with great power. As memories float back to the surface, you are slowly working through them and recognizing that experrence is always meaningful and useful.

Gail said...

Hi Liara and "thank you" so much for stopping by and sharing your kind words of understanding and compassion.
We are a musical family here - it is a wonderful outlet and all that you said.
Peace and love

Gail said...

Hi Kartz -

Always SO good to see you, good indeed.
I find that video quite powerful.
And yes, 'cest la vie'....

Peace to you

molly said...

Wow, beautiful post, Gail.

Suffering, yes, us humans are quite good at it...

Gail said...

Hi Molly-

so nice to see you again. :-)

And the suffering serves to enhance the joy, yes?

Love Gail

Liara Covert said...

Human beings benefit from remembering love and compassion for everyone and everything is the only answer. Everything is equal. Hierarchies and emotions other than pure love are illusions created to teach us to find ways back to the inner truth.

Gail said...

Hi Liara And "thank you" for your profound words, which I will have to re-read to fully embrace.