Father And Son

When this song was announced on the radio a few years back I was driving to work. The announcer said, "if you are driving, pull off to the side of the road - this one is a tear-jerker"! I did pull over, and he was right - it was - a "tear-jerker".



When my son's father left, he was a pre-schooler. I, for a long time, felt that he would stay involved withhis son - not me, but certainly his son. When he left and right up to now I consistently told Dolan "when your Dad and I created you we loved each other and we loved you together from the moment you were born, the rest doesn't matter". He often thanked me for never bad-mouthing his father (Lord know I could have), anyway, I didn't.

As this song implies - there comes a time when he, the father comes back, and all the son's questions are answered. I want this for Dolan far more than he wants it for himself. If I ask him how he feels about such things, his response is always, "I hold him to nothing". Dolan is 25+ and hasn't seen his father in over 20 years. I find that SO hard to comprehend. He has missed out on a miracle - our son. Therefore the loss is his to reconcile. Some things are not able to be reconciled - moved beyond maybe, but what is irreconcilable is forever, in this situation. The lost opportunity is forever lost - the time for forgiveness has long since passed - it is nothing more than indifference - that is both a gift and a harsh reality.

I am not sure why these well hidden feelings are surfacing today - perhaps as I start to feel my excitement of Dolan coming home this weekend, or I hear him always referring to me and Skipp as his 'parents', or I revel in his gentle spirit and humor and creative expressions, and love of family, his family, and I realize - that the reason his father came in to my life was so that we could create Dolan - in his earliest form - of egg and sperm - the rest of his amazing design was created long after his father left - although the first three years we loved him together are forever part of his foundation as well. This I cannot deny.

Is it quite odd that I, from time to time, like today - hope that his father will find him - and tell him he is "sorry?" Tell him he has missed him all these years and that Dolan will, in some way, look at him, if only with pity for all that his father denied himself. - knowing that he has been right all along - he "holds him to nothing"...........nothing at all. Because without him he has everything.

And so it is his father that will stand before whomever in his final moment, and 'answer' for his actions - he will fall to his knees as the weight of what he lost crushes him - and it is in that moment he will know - that he turned his back on a miracle - his son.

Gail-in the moment