Thursday, August 5, 2010

I am not asking for much, really, I'm not.

I made it to Yale to see my Mom. Only because Skipp drove and then pushed me along in my rollator. I was traveling backwards - weird, very weird. We laughed all the way through the very long winding corridors - he, of course, enjoying the opportunity to, well, have some fun with the unavoidable reality. And there she was, with a shawl about her shoulders - a gift from the 'hospital angels' - a volunteer group that knits or crochets these lovely warm shawls for patients. She explained that it is very cold in the dialysis room. She went on to tell of a dream - we sat there clinging to her every word. She dreamed of her mother who died 50 years ago this past April - a hard working woman - raised six kids on her own after my mom's Dad died at age 39 of pneumonia. In this dream her Mom was reaching to her telling her not to b afraid and to come home. My Mom said she was holding her Mother's hands and then let go - and she told us she was scared and not ready. Phew.

She has had three dialysis treatments and will have a fourth on Friday. Her site 'held' - it worked,. "Thank you" all for your love and prayers and sending good energy and healing, hopeful light. :-) Amen. Hopefully she will be strong enough to come home on Saturday. Her schedule to go to the dialysis clinic will begin next week, three times a week , four to five hours a day. Please continue to pray for her strength and fortitude through this demanding regiment.

I am still in the midst of my healing challenge from the MS set back. I am on another medication for a week. And I am waiting for the physical therapist to come and evaluate me here and design a routine to help ease the pain and increase my mobility. I may need to see an orthopedic specialist that will be decided next week some time. Meanwhile I am moving about daily as best I can - the intense pain has eased and I can take ten to 12 steps pain free and then it starts to tighten and hurt and the icy hot numbness intensifies. I can also walk without the rollator for a few steps now where before I could not. Although it is way safer to walk with the rollator so I don't push the heroics!! :-) I am glad when I can get outside to our deck and really soak up the sights and sounds and smells of nature. I feel free when I am outside. Needless to say, I have a ways to go. And I don't know what the "end" of this set back will look like and feel like in terms of mobility and pain to which I will have to adjust. I am hoping for the best and managing as best I can. Ya know?

Skipp and I still enjoy our Tuesdays and Wednesdays. We sleep in and then have a leisurely brunch and enjoy our coffee on the deck. Later, we barbecue, and have wine and "happy-hour' and watch movies and enjoy our Gracey-Blue We catch up with house stuff and with each other (use your imagination), we go for rides and talk and listen to our favorite music and Skipp usually grocery shops. We love every moment of those two days we have together.

And August 29th is our wedding anniversary and BOTH our birthdays. Yes, we have the same birthday and we were married on our birthdays in 1996. Cool, huh? :-) August 29th is a wonderful day of celebration!! And Skipp has the week off!! "YAY!!!

And then it is Autumn - Hallelujah. I always feel better once the weather turns cooler and drier. This has been a very oppressive summer - and the heat and humidity are such a challenge for me. And yet I came to realize something about MS. I am doing all the right things to fight this disease - and still it flares up. I believe that my ability to adjust to the next phase or limit is as important as fighting off the nest phase or limit. Sometimes they clash and I must adjust. I am doing t hat now - one step at a time, or perhaps one less step at a time. And I don't say that in a 'ho-hum-poor-me' way, not at all. It means I know when it is time to make the best of what "IS" rather than wishing for what "ISN'T"!!! I am not there yet with this set back but I will know when that time comes, if it does.

Hopefully my Mom will come home Saturday, as planned. My daughter is going to bring me over on Sunday to spend the afternoon with her. I/we wil bring lunch and keep her company. My sister has to work. I ask again that you all please pray for her strength and for mine too. I don't want to navigate the Appalachian Trail I just want to manage, with little difficulty, being able to get to my Mom, and out and about my neighborhood and town. ok? Too much to hope for? I sure hope not.

And although the following video is dedicated to hurricane and flood victims - I believe, that we all are fighting our own battles - when my Mom couldn't breathe she was drowning in herself - her own inner flood - her fear as she wondered if they would get to her in time - her own emotional hurricane - my fear of immobility - and constant pain - I can be a surge of emotion like a flood washing over me or tossed about in the force of a hurricane - so please, watch and listen to this video with all due honor for the victims of floods and hurricanes but also, please, think of your own personal floods, hurricanes, and how you fought to survive and make it as best you could.









33 comments:

Bernie said...

So glad you and Skipp were able to visit your mom and now your daughter is taking you for another visit......how wonderful is that.

I do hope the pt will help you Gail, that she sets up a schedule that you can work well with.

Keeping enjoying Skipp's days off and have a great weekend. Always in my heart and prayers....:-) Hugs

Gail said...

HI BERNIE

Always SO good to have you visit me. I appreciate your continuing prayers, love support and hugs.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Wanda..... said...

You do have a good strong positive outlook with everything Gail. Hoping and praying for the best and accepting the moment helps get us through anything. Hope your mom continues to do as well as she has and that your set back shifts into a better place for you.

Gail said...

HI WANDA_

How's life about your beautiful 'nature-land'? I am trying as best I know how to manage and remain positive - thank you for your continued support and kindness and friendship.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope

Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Gail,
I'm
Away on holiday and haven't checked my blogroll for a few days but have just read your post and am do moved by what you've written that I wanted to reply and let you know how much I am thinking of you and your mum.
Your bravery is astounding really Gail.., the grace with which you prepare to fight and accept the battles you choose... Incredible.

Much love to you

X

Finding Pam said...

Gail, I love how much faith and strength you have even during the tough times.

The way you describe you time with Skipp is so touching and loving.
I am keeping you in my prayers for this flair to pass. I hope your Mother gets better soon.

The video just tore me up with the music and the photos. Even in our darkest hour we are never alone.

Peace and Love.
Pam

Gail said...

HI WONDERINGSOUL-

I was justover at your blog to see if ther was anything new. We were visiting one another at the same time. How cool is that? :-)

And I too, see you and your fighting your battles equally brave. I hope your flight was uneventful and that your holiday is wonderful. Savor every moment. k? And thank you for taking the time to visit and wish me and my Mom well.

Love to you always
Gail
peace and hope.......

Diana said...

That was a lovely song Gail as was your post. It was very inspiring and it made me happy to know that things are at least progressing in your world. I do pray that your mom makes it home Saturday. I know that will help you feel better too.
I am excited for your upcoming week with Skip. That should also help with your healing!
I know what it's like to live in constant pain. It can be a struggle to stay "up" and "positive"! You are ding well!
Love Di ♥

Gail said...

HI DIANA-

So good to see you and I know you know about living w/pain and still doing what we can and keeping a good outlook. Phew.

YOU are an inspiration to me, and I admire your determination so much. thank you for your continued love and friendship and support and understanding and for sharing MR TOAD - whom I love!! :-)

Love Gail
peace and hope.....

CordieB said...

Wow you and your husband were born on the same day! Me and Greg were too! I'm amazed and grateful that you are filled with such hope and faith, and inspire all of us to keep the faith and remain diligent in our struggles. I'm glad your mother's dialysis went well and praying that her health improves. We feel so helpless when our love ones are in pain. I'm also praying for you, dear Gail. You are a real trooper! Stay strong, but don't forget to rest your mind and body. You and your family are continually in my prayers.

PLL, C.

Gail said...

HI CORDIEB

WOW, you and your guy too have the same birthday? true soul mates.

I so appreciate your love and healing light and words of wisdom and support. It is a challenging time. I am so glad you are my friend, 'faith -sister'....

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Cinner said...

Gail, I am so glad to hear that your Mom might be coming home on Saturday, that is wonderful news. I can hear your frustration in your writing with what you are dealing with MS. Have you had these flair ups before. hopefully they will be able to help with the pt. I hate knowing you are in pain. You are such a brave spirit.
I am glad you keep your spirits up and I could picture you and skipp laughing. If you ever need anyone to talk to you know I am hear for you. I hope your pain eases for you Gail, it makes me sad that someone I care about so much is in pain. I can hear your laughter last time on the phone, I hope you will laugh again with joy and enjoy your nature as much as you can. Our anniversary is on the 28th of August, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you.
Keep your chin up and I will keep all four chins up here. lol. hugs my friend.

PENolan said...

Prayers ascending
xo
T

Tramp said...

Dear Gail
Here I am with my after-lunch mug of coffee reading this moving tale of people being there when others need them. You are reminding me of my responsibilities in this direction. My wife is away this week and I have been humbled by realising how much she has been cheerfully doing for her parents and why she has been so quiet about it. Thank you my friend.
...Tramp

Gail said...

HI TRAMP-

I am deeply humbled that any part of my challenge has inspired you to realize something about your wife's caring for her parents. I am always touched by your gentle expressions and how well you absorb what is given you - quite a blessing.

Love to you my friend
Gail
peace and hope

Gail said...

HI TRISH-

I feel you with me, always have from day one -
thanks Texas :-)

Love you girl
Gail
peace and hope.....

Comrade Kevin said...

I'm sorry you're continuing to have health concerns. I'm also sorry I haven't been around much recently.

Life got very complicated for me and I don't have the ability to focus on my blogroll the way I used to.

And yes, autumn would be wonderful, particularly with the heat waves we've had.

Gail said...

HI CINNER-

Oh my, "thank you" for your heartfelt kindness and concern for me and my Mom. I have had flare-ups before - the last one was last May, and before that August of 2006, which was significant. I am managing as best I can to be present in my blessings while living with the pain. A very delicate balance. Today, the humidity is lifting so I can get out on our deck with Gracey - always a refreshing and inspiring venture. ANd laughter is so freeing - good for the soul, and I know, I really know you are close to me and that means so much.

Love to you
Gail'
peace and hope.....

Gail said...

HI KEVIN-

Oh I am SO happy to see you. I feel special that you took the time to visit. I have missed you. And I know and I understand that you are in your own struggle these days. I pray for healing and wellness for us both. Keep on keeping my friend and I will too.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Shen said...

Your anniversary and BOTH birthdays all at once! Wow, I hope it is an absolutely fantastic celebration.

I loved your mom's dream. She isn't ready, but it is comforting to think that at some point amazing things are awaiting, isn't it?

I feel you are very heroic in your upbeat nature as you fight to stay mobile and overcome the pain of your disease. I'm sorry you have to deal with so much. I believe everything is part of God's plan, but it is a lot harder to see how some things fit in to any kind of plan, isn't it? SOmetimes it is very hard to have faith that things are as they are meant to be.

love and peace, Gail... and thank you for all your encouragement on my blog.

Gail said...

HI SHEN-

Thank you SO much for starting now to celebrate our upcoming birthdays/anniversary on the 29th!! :-) And also for your kind wisdom and understanding of the many layers of faith as each of us faces our challenges. I also appaud your courage and detemination as you forge on your journrey to wholenes-wellness and freedom. You are very brave.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Whitemist said...

In response to your post on my blog and your own journey of so many years, I offer you my hand to hold.

Gail said...

WHITEMIST-JOEY

"thank you" I am reaching out to grab on to your hand, now

love you man
Gail
peace and hope.....

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

Gail, Your ever present love shared with your beloved, your family and your friends, gifts us all. Your courage and your abiding faith will serve you as it has served others. You are wished every comfort. I pray your prays with you.

In friendship with love,
Rose Marie

Gail said...

RoseMarie-

your heartfelt presence thrills me - your spoken love and roaring prayers of faith and knowing inspire me and give me strength to carry on. "thank you"

love Gail
peace and hope.....

Lisa said...

Hey Gail,

Just wanted to stop by quickly before the day startes...one son has a debate workshop we must go to this A.M.. I have to come back and watch the video.

I read your post: I am praying and praying and praying...

Much Love to you,

Lisa

Gail said...

HI LISA-

so nice to see you this cool dry Saturday morning. I SO need/appreciate your prayers, love and kindness. I am managing as best as I can all things considered. I look frward to being outside today soaking in nature. enjoy your 'debate' video!!

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Jay said...

I stumbled upon your blog and just want to let you know you've inspired me with your outlook on life and facing challenges.
I have my own chronic pain/mobility issues and my mom's been on dialysis for the past eight years. My wife has been my rock through ten years, and it's those special moments we get to share on the deck that put things in perspective for all of us.

Your mom's dream is what prompted me to reply, it's almost identical to one my mom had when she first started and they're proof that Angels intercede when we need them most.

Best Wishes and make each day better than the one before!

Gail said...

HI JAY

I am SO glad you stumbled upon my blog and took the time to comment. :-) Your understanding, kindness and shared persoonal experience have helped me this day. YOU are an angel. I look forward to knowing you and you me even better over time.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Eileen said...

Sad, moving, beautiful video, Gail. Jayden came over and sat on my lap when he heard the song start to play. He remembered about the floods on the news so he knew what it was and he said, "We have to pray for these people."

Very moving post too, Gail. I loved that your Mom had that dream about her Mom. Don't be scared by it, Gail. I hope it brings you peace and I hope it brings your Mom peace too.

I know you said in your message to me that you had a setback with your MS, but I'm glad I was able to get here to read the details.
I pray things turn for the good in all your situations.
And in the meantime I pray you can keep your head above the fray.

Well, my little man here is asking to go in the pool for a quick swim before dinner.
I'll try to get back here and read more soon.
Love to you,
Eileen

Eileen said...

I just left you a whole long comment, but I don't know if it took because I got booted off of Facebook! Ugh!

I hope it went through, and I just wanted to add that I hope you and Skipp enjoy a wonderful Anniversary, and 'Happy Birthday' to you both!
I hope to be back here before then, but just in case, I didn't want it to pass without wishing you both well!
Love to you,
Eileen

Gail said...

HI EILEEN-

so glad you and Jayden share the song. It is quite moving, huh? ANd my Mom is of such strong faith and she knows she has "More work to do here" - she just said that yesterday - she has to "spread more of the good news"..

and ya, this MS Setback ischallenging - quite uncomfortable. I am finding balance in the love and beauty around me.

Enjoy oyur swim
Love to you always
Gail
peace and hope.....

Gail said...

HI EILEEN-

both comments made it through!! :-) and "thank you" for your loving birthday and anniversary wishes.

Love Gail
peace and hope.....