Saturday, August 14, 2010

Angry At God - today

The room was bright enough in a clinical sort of way. Over sized leather lounge chairs in dark blue and brick and green, lined the walls, all facing nowhere, or so it seemed. There were TV screens and oddly placed book shelves with a head phone set here and there. People faced one another but no one really looked or saw or cared for that matter. Folks were covered in those white hospital blankets and also assorted pillows and quilts and shawls and blankets they brought from home - some genuine attempt to comfort them, I imagine. Each had their own machine to which they were attached via tubes, one for taking blood out and one for sending it back after it is cleansed in the machine' Amazing process if you think about it. It is saving all of their lives and my Mom was amongst them all. So tiny - no more than 100 pounds - her colorful "angel shawl" about her neck and shoulders, her favorite pillows around her and her "Our Father" afghan. Her Rosary Beads wrapped around her small arthritic fingers, and there she lay, sound asleep. I watched her from the doorway for a while - not allowed in 'the room'. I was filled with so much emotion. first and foremost relief that she made it here - after three very near-death experiences, she made it to here. Next I felt incredible sadness as I tried to absorb the demands of this regiment of three days a week, four hours a day. She is tired and fragile and so brave. I ached for her, for this "life-sentence". And yes, I know all the reasons I should be so glad that such treatment exists, and that she made it to receive the treatment and on and on and ALL that is true - I am so grateful. But truth b e told, I am quite upset that she has to endure such a difficult health issue and demanding treatment schedule in her final years.

And me with my "I can manage to "live" and be active and present in life despite this MS setback and the pain and icy hot numbness of every freaking step I took today, again I ask, "WHY???" Jen drove and I rode shotgun as we traveled the half hour drive to the Dialysis Center to pick up my Mom. I cannot drive yet due to the muscle spasticity. What the f___!!!?

I have asked God so many times "Why", and again, all you faithful folks, please don't preach to me about God and his infinite wisdom and so forth, I KNOW!! I am just being real, I am really, really angry at God. My Mom has been one of His most loyal servants and lives her life in alliance with the teachings of Jesus, always. And such alliance, I know. will sustain her through this, I KNOW!!! Still, to see her, so small and frail hooked to that machine which is literally her 'life-line' - it was really hard to take in. I make no apologies for being angry at God, in fact I believe that when you have a really good relationship with someone. God included, it is safe to be angry and so I trust my relationship with God/Jesus will make it trough this challenge just fine. This is just where I am today after seeing my Mom for the first time laying in that lounger hooked up to that machine, it absolutely broke my heart. :-(




24 comments:

Cinner said...

Oh Gail, my heart just aches for you today. I don't think you would be human if you were not angry, it is hard to see your Mom go through this. Especially with all you are dealing with the M.S. I know you have a very strong faith in God,,,and if today you need to be angry that is okay. I have days I am angry about seeing my Dad and the way he went. your anger just means you feel, and you love, with your whole heart. I have no words that can make this day seem any better although Somehow, someway you will find the strength...you are in my thoughts and prayers you know that. I am angry that you have to suffer and hurt, and be in such pain, and the helpless that I feel to you is nothing compared to how you feel watching your Mom....Gail I really wish I lived closer, I would be there in a minute for you.
Hugs my friend.

Diana said...

Don't worry, God can take it and so can you. Love Di ♥

Gail said...

HI DI-

Oh my, thank you so much. I am so glad you "get it" phew

Love to you my friend
Gail
peace and hope.....

Gail said...

HI CINNER-

I SO appreciate your understanding and validation and support. Sometimes it is hard to be honest about God stuff. And it really helped that you wrote of your anger at God too and that it is okay. I SO needed to hear that. And I know, I totally know, you would be here if we lived closer. I feel you close.

Love you girl
Gail
peace and hope.....

Bernie said...

Hi sweetie, you are having a rough day and I know how hard it must of been to see your mom that way, she does sound so special.
You can be angry with God, he is a big guy.....he can take it. I am just worried it may upset you enough to throw your MS off again.
Be well my friend, you are loved.
.....:-)Hugs

Just Be Real said...

Gail, I so appreciate you being real. Believe you me I have asked God many times why? Even to the point cursing at Him and fuming! Thank you for sharing your realness dear one. Here listening. ((((Gail)))

Rebecca said...

Honesty IS the best policy. And such anger as you express may well be the emotional "fuel" that will keep you moving forward as you dispense it in a sensible and "holy" way in your travel through your personal pain and the difficulty your mother is facing....

Wanda..... said...

Your angryness is understandable, it's what you feel in the moment you're in. I imagine your mom's situation is extremely difficult to accept, Gail, without a little anger.

I watched my mother change from a strong, outspoken, working, take charge leader, creative quilter and loving adventurous greatgrandmother to a weak, physically shrinking, unresponsive, quiet woman in her last days. Such grief and helplessness, I felt for her, as I know you feel for your mom!
Love and understanding to you, Gail!
♥...Wanda

Gail said...

HI WANDA-

OH MY, I SO appreciate your sharing of your personal and deep loss about your Mom. Sometime I feel so alone in my feelings and then I come to understand better because of wonderful friends like you. "thank you" Wanda......

Love Gail
peace and hope.....

Gail said...

HI REBECCA-

And welcome.

Thank you so much for your shared wisdom and kindness. I really apreciate you taking the time.

Love Gail
peace and hope.....

Gail said...

HI JBR-

It means so much to know that others get angry at God too. I am glad that my honesty validates you too. It is SO wonderful how we can support one another

Love Gail
peace and hope.....

Gail said...

HI BERNIE-

thank you SO m uch for your love and kind caring of me. I am dong the best I cxan to "balance". And I was thrilled to have my little grandson spend the night last night - his energy and love and surprises were exactly what I needed.

Love to you my dear and trusted friend
Gail
peace and hope.....

Teresa said...

Oh Gail, I just want to give you a great big hug, and being angry and real, is healthy at a time like this. Who wouldn't be angry.

I am sure this is all more than you can comprehend, and accept. Let it out, scream if you have to, and I think all of us understand on some level what you are feeling.

((((HUGS)))) T

Gail said...

HI TERESA-
Oh my goodness, "thank you" Oh ya, screaming is good relief. I so apreciate your support and understanding.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Shen said...

It's heartbreaking. You paint the picture so well I was there with you...
Anger is real. It is human. It is part of God's creation and God can take it... It's okay to be angry. It's okay to say, WHY? and to cry and to scream and to tell God you are angry.

Being angry does not mean you don't love... just like all the bad things that happen in the world don't mean God doesn't love.

peace Gail... here is a prayer that you find a little bit of it today.

Gail said...

HI SHEN-

Oh my, and "thank you", SOmuch for your validation and support. wow. All of this kindness is wonderful.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Iktomi said...

i'm sorry about your mother :( and about your pain. i used to be very angry at god a lot. now i don't have much of a reason to, thankfully, but i've found that my perception of god has really changed. i used to think i knew who god was, but now i accept that "god" could really be anyone. i was raised to think that everything that happens is because of a higher plan. i don't think that's true anymore. i think some bad things in life do happen to create a better reality, but some bad things happen because people lose their way, and some bad things happen just because of pure chance and circumstance. i can't blame god or anyone for the bad things that happen to me, i just have to accept that they do happen and that "god" may not have anything to do with it.

Gail said...

HI IKTOMI

your thoughts/beliefs mirror mine quite well. the other day I needed to strike out - so, I did :-) but I agree and ally with your words totally

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Shen said...

Hi Gail,

I just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking about you.

Gail said...

HI SHEN-

thank you, thank you, thank you......

Love Gail
peace and hope.....

rainboy said...

bearhugs ...

Gail said...

HI RAINBOY-

thanks for the hugs :-)

Love Gail
peace and hope.....

Mark said...

Gail,
I understand your anger.

What would you want God to do? How would you prefer that all that has and is happening with you Mom play out?
If you were God, how would you answer the questions that you present?

Gail said...

HI MARK-

Interesting questions you present. Well, right off I would ask that I be more mobile and healthy so I can be with my Mom more and do more for her thus alleviating some of the burden on my Sister and simply because I so want to be with her more than I am able. I am grateful for all I can do and that my daughter is helping and Skippdoes whatever is needed t. ANd also Mark, I don't want my Mom in pain and suffering or afraid. Thats what I would prefer.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....