October's Truths

I am glad summer is coming to it's end. Even though it is 95 degrees today and quite humid I know it wont be long before the mornings are chilly and the air has a crisp feel. The few neighborhood kids of which I am aware will go back to school and my surroundings will be even more still. Oh not of nature sounds and wild life about and the brook running freely but of sounds of barbecues and fire works and scooters and bike horns in the distance.

Instead, the chain saws will be oiled and buzzing loudly and wood will be split. The smell of smoke billowing from chimneys will fill the air. Autumn spice will accent soups and stews and pies and cobblers and the warmth of a pot of a simmering autumn favorite will fill our home with an array of tradition, love, aromas and contentment. Soon we will cut back the garden so the roots will stay dormant and strong until Spring. We will spend a few days gathering kindling wood and snapping it to fit in the barrels. The wood pile will be stacked and ready and our wood stove cleaned. I love to ready our home for Winter - settle in to the promise of glowing fires, Winter wines, flannel pajamas and baggy sweaters - having our morning coffee on the back deck - steam coming out from our mugs as we clutch them with both hands - oh yes, this is my time of year approaching.

It brings with it other sure memories. Certain smells trigger my past. Every year as Autumn is approaching. - I remember, feel and honor these truths. I recall walking home from school in early October and smelling smoke from chimneys, dried colored leaves and cool air on my face. I always took my shoes off after he was through - focused on my feet - I could escape him that way. October is my time to remember - not run and hide from my truth. October is also the final time with the priest - all in the name of Jesus and love and promise he professed was his reason - so I could be free. None of that was true. I know the truth. And my Dad died in October. I start to feel these truths as Autumn approaches - and the smells, and colors, and textures and shadows heighten my memory. I am blessed because I can remember. I am whole because I took the journey to myself. I ran a long distance away from myself - it was a hard run - and when my senses would scream the truth in October's past - I ran harder. but no more - I am nourished and defined and ravished by my memories - I feel him against me, in me... I was eleven. I feel the priest -I can see him blessing me - telling me he loved me and that he would sacrifice himself for me - I fought back and he hit me - I feel the sting of the back of his hand hard on my face.

I remember the day my Dad died and I hold on tight to all that he was. October is a month that holds many truths, "it's"........ and I am filled with gratitude that I embrace every one - because to do otherwise was to deny myself the gift of 'me' - and that is no longer an option. All of me has purpose and intent - all of me is lovable. I have freed Annie - the kid in me many years ago - she is one of my greatest sources of strength - she survived the teacher when I was eleven - she is amazing and I love that part of me. I had her hidden for so long. I remember when I was on my healing journey and freeing the kid in me - I called him, the teacher. He was still alive. I screamed in the phone at him - and I can still hear him saying my name, "Gail, Gail, meet me, I can help you......" I did set up a meeting - I parked in the mall parking lot across the street from the diner I told him to meet me at - I watched as he pulled up in a large black car and got out with his walking stick - I dry heaved and left. I know it was a stupid thing to do but whatever. I did it. I never called him again.

And so as the leaves turn Autumn gold and red and fall and the air crisps and chills, and the smell of wood burning stoves and fire places fills the air and my mind and body and spirit are filled with every emotion, feeling and memory. I am going to surrender - I am going to wrestle and moan and scream and immerse myself in myself. And what a self it is!! I was lost for many years - chained to a darkness of hidden truth - and I found my way in to the light - to me. Amen. Bring it on October!! :-)




Love Gail
peace.....