Monday, August 17, 2009

October's Truths

I am glad summer is coming to it's end. Even though it is 95 degrees today and quite humid I know it wont be long before the mornings are chilly and the air has a crisp feel. The few neighborhood kids of which I am aware will go back to school and my surroundings will be even more still. Oh not of nature sounds and wild life about and the brook running freely but of sounds of barbecues and fire works and scooters and bike horns in the distance.

Instead, the chain saws will be oiled and buzzing loudly and wood will be split. The smell of smoke billowing from chimneys will fill the air. Autumn spice will accent soups and stews and pies and cobblers and the warmth of a pot of a simmering autumn favorite will fill our home with an array of tradition, love, aromas and contentment. Soon we will cut back the garden so the roots will stay dormant and strong until Spring. We will spend a few days gathering kindling wood and snapping it to fit in the barrels. The wood pile will be stacked and ready and our wood stove cleaned. I love to ready our home for Winter - settle in to the promise of glowing fires, Winter wines, flannel pajamas and baggy sweaters - having our morning coffee on the back deck - steam coming out from our mugs as we clutch them with both hands - oh yes, this is my time of year approaching.

It brings with it other sure memories. Certain smells trigger my past. Every year as Autumn is approaching. - I remember, feel and honor these truths. I recall walking home from school in early October and smelling smoke from chimneys, dried colored leaves and cool air on my face. I always took my shoes off after he was through - focused on my feet - I could escape him that way. October is my time to remember - not run and hide from my truth. October is also the final time with the priest - all in the name of Jesus and love and promise he professed was his reason - so I could be free. None of that was true. I know the truth. And my Dad died in October. I start to feel these truths as Autumn approaches - and the smells, and colors, and textures and shadows heighten my memory. I am blessed because I can remember. I am whole because I took the journey to myself. I ran a long distance away from myself - it was a hard run - and when my senses would scream the truth in October's past - I ran harder. but no more - I am nourished and defined and ravished by my memories - I feel him against me, in me... I was eleven. I feel the priest -I can see him blessing me - telling me he loved me and that he would sacrifice himself for me - I fought back and he hit me - I feel the sting of the back of his hand hard on my face.

I remember the day my Dad died and I hold on tight to all that he was. October is a month that holds many truths, "it's"........ and I am filled with gratitude that I embrace every one - because to do otherwise was to deny myself the gift of 'me' - and that is no longer an option. All of me has purpose and intent - all of me is lovable. I have freed Annie - the kid in me many years ago - she is one of my greatest sources of strength - she survived the teacher when I was eleven - she is amazing and I love that part of me. I had her hidden for so long. I remember when I was on my healing journey and freeing the kid in me - I called him, the teacher. He was still alive. I screamed in the phone at him - and I can still hear him saying my name, "Gail, Gail, meet me, I can help you......" I did set up a meeting - I parked in the mall parking lot across the street from the diner I told him to meet me at - I watched as he pulled up in a large black car and got out with his walking stick - I dry heaved and left. I know it was a stupid thing to do but whatever. I did it. I never called him again.

And so as the leaves turn Autumn gold and red and fall and the air crisps and chills, and the smell of wood burning stoves and fire places fills the air and my mind and body and spirit are filled with every emotion, feeling and memory. I am going to surrender - I am going to wrestle and moan and scream and immerse myself in myself. And what a self it is!! I was lost for many years - chained to a darkness of hidden truth - and I found my way in to the light - to me. Amen. Bring it on October!! :-)




Love Gail
peace.....

30 comments:

The-Grizzled-But-Still-Incorrigible-Scribe-Himself! said...

This is just a great piece, Gail—filled with power and spirt and truth. Wonderfully written, too. Your story, in your voice, filled with…you.

I'm so glad you wrote it, so glad you shared it here, and so very glad I had the privilege to read it.

Eileen said...

How wonderfully liberating for you! I love the spunk of that kid, to help you not only survive, but to do it very well!

I'm not a big fan of the word 'closure', I love the idea of putting something to rest and moving on, but closure is final, and I think it's human nature to carry around our baggage, not to let it weigh us down, but just because it's part of who we were, and overcoming the weight of it has helped to shape us into who we are.

Well done, Annie!
Well done, Gail!
Love and Prayers,
Eileen
PS ~ Thank you so much for always being so very generous to me.

Bernie said...

Gail, I so loved your video, it was the first time I heard it and thought it beautiful.
I am sorry that October has many bad memories for you but I think your attitude is not only remarkable but healthy. By accepting your truths you have accepted yourself....keep standing on your "its" my friend, you are to be admired......:-) Hugs

Gail said...

Hi Bernie-
"Thank you" for your kind words to me. And ya, sure, they are 'bad' memories and yet they are my truths so it is all good now - it is all 'me' :-) and as October approaches - well it is my time to roar!!
Love you dearly
Gail
pece.....

Diana said...

Hi Gail,
I love this post for several reasons. The first being that I love the fall and winter. It makes me feel alive.
The second being that it shows what a truely brave woman you are. It can be very difficult but also very freeing to unburden ourselves of the awful things that have happened to us in the past. And I do mean US.
The third and final being that you help other people more than you know when you unburden yourself. It helps to know that we are not alone. And I am sure that there are many that you help just by reading your post!
So go ahead, lets bring on October.
Love Di

Gail said...

Hi Eileen-
Annie is amazing. Thanks for acknowledging that part of me. And what I put closure on is the power my abusers once had - that is over.!! And the truths I carry/honor are not weighted baggage but rather squares in the tapestry of my design. It's all beautiful, it's all me. And like you said, shaped me in to who I am now. And you are so welcome about your thanking me for being generous with you - although I don't quite see it - I am just blending on to you and all that you hold dear and loving every moment of it. :-)

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

Hi Grizz-
And yes, every word is my voice - and I felt is SO strongly as I was writing. You feel it too and I am SO glad.
Thank you Grizz for your honest and supportive words to me - I am honored.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

Hi DIana-

Yes, I know there are so many that have 'survived' so much. And once I journeyed to my truth I came to appreciate that when I give/share my truth I am adding another meaning to my "It's", to my journey. I know you used the word unburder and I respect that - however I see it as 'offering' all I really have to offer and that is me and my truths - at the risk of sounding religious, I believe that such sharing is the true meaning of "Eucharist" - to be broken and poured out so others can have hope. And I am so glad that YOU are with me to share in the triumphs and Eucharist of this October!!

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Wanda said...

You are an inspiration Gail...an example of choosing a different path...many would be going down a bitter road.

The change of seasons always brings me joy...especially autumn and spring. You have put those feelings into words so well, a very comforting post you've created...I can hardly wait for the sights and smells autumn brings...it's a harvest for the soul.

Gail said...

Hi Wanda-
A harvest for the soul indeed. Thank you for your warm and heartfelt words to me.
Love Gail
peace.....

Margie said...

Hello Gail
I hope October will bring you many beautiful days of comfort & joy...
You are brave & have courage!
I admire your strength!

Margie:)

Gail said...

Hi Margie-
"thank you" for your supportive words. And October will be all that it should - I am free to experience all of it. Amen.

Love Gail
peace.....

Bernie said...

Gail, how can I e-mail you? Your g-mail is not listed on your profile so perhaps you prefer not to be e-mailed, just wanted to ask you how to do something.....:-) Hugs

Gail said...

Hi Bernie
I will post my email over at your blog.

love you

cinner said...

Hi Gail, what an inspiration you are to be so brave as to talk about it. You are a strong powerful woman to face this head on. I am very proud of you. Big hug, cinner.

Gail said...

Hi Cinner -
I don't see myself as brave really, just honest. And it was in the years of silence that I was in the dark and frightened. I have been free and in the light and no longer fearful for a long time. Sharing about it is actually quite natural -

Love Gail
peace.....

Comrade Kevin said...

October is one of my favorite months, and no less because it begins to get chilly and my birthday is on the 24th!

Gail said...

Hi Kevin-
ANd yet another reason to honor October - your birthday!! It's all good.
Love Gail
peace.....

giggles said...

Oh Gail.... My heart aches for the pain you have suffered....

Brave and honest soul, to be sure....

My hubby's birthday and our anniverary are both in October... in my estimation, the best time of the year...

Gail said...

Hi Giggles-

"thank you" for your words of compassion - but rest assured that what was can no longer hurt me - and it is nice to know that there is more reason to honor October - you and your husbands birthday's!!:-)

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

And indeed Dear Gail, you are touched by "Amazing Grace." The darkness you have lifted, the truth you have confronted, the resolve you have reached, all have created a most brilliant beacon of love, known in the name of Gail!

Gail said...

Hi Rose Marie-
Oh my you make me shiver with the passionate strength of your words. "Thank you" for knowing, really knowing at your core what I write of - because for all the darkness now light and self love and beacons I still am created by understanding - am able to "be".......
Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Bernie said...

Hi Gail, Stillness helped me to change the look of my blog, it's not exactly what I want but it's fresh and clean and I am going to enjoy it as it is for a while before I start tweaking again. I'm sure she will help you as well.
I only wish I had been feeling well when I posted your card, I usually take more time than I did that day, am glad you know that my heart was true just not well.
Luv ya.....:-) Hugs

Gail said...

Hi Bernie-

Thanks for suggesting "Stillness" to help me design a softer look for my blog. And please, you need not apologize for a hevey heart, and yhes always true for sure.

Love Gail
peace.....

eema levanah said...

Dearest Gail

Thank you for sharing this. As an abuse survivor, my heart and soul are with you. Catharsis is crucial.

I thank you as well, for the lovely comments you left for me on my blog.

Your eloquent words would be a wonderful addition to the twitterverse. Hope to tweet up with you there, for some mutual interaction, kindred spirit. ♥

Namaste_/|\_ beloved one.

Gail said...

Hello Eema-

So nice to see you here especially since I am aware of your need to simplify. And thank you as well for sharing that you know well, my journey as it is blended with yours.
I am not sure how or even where to 'twitter' -
I hope to stay close to you.

Love Gail
peace.....

Teresa said...

Hello Gail, I can feel the bitter sweetness of your post...with all the beauty of autumn tainted by the evil that lurks in the shadows of our lives. You have come far, and brought your inner child with you, she is safe in your tender care. Enjoy the season! God created the beauty for us to have and hold...the future is lying before you with open arms, colorful fallen leaves, and love and blessings. ((((HUGS))))) T

Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Gail,
I haven't suffered the terrible traumas that October brought you but some of the things you have written resonate so deeply that it's hard to explain.
Thank you for sharing.
Your talent for writing is such a gift and you used it so beautifully and so constructively. Finding honesty like yours is like finding hidden treasure somewhere. I will be reading some more if you don't mind.

Heartfelt warmth to you.
X

Gail said...

Dear Wanderingsoul-

Welcome - and yes, pleae, read as much as you like. I am very happy to meet you. "Thankyou" for your kind and validating words to me - and I will go over to your blog space as well. I look forward to us getting more acquainted.
See you soon
Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

Hi Teresa-

So nice to see you here. I really appreciate your heartfelt words to me. Yes, October holds many memories. And offers many gifts. I am blessed, and I am right where I am suppose to be.
Love to you
Gail
peace.....