Nothing To Forgive

I posted this song once before. And now again as it's meaning has unfolded and fallen in to itself. Please take a moment to listen to the words before you read this writing.



And so it was that over 2o years has passed and he decided to find his son. My son. I was stunned when a message came to me from a people search called 'My Life.com'. The message said, "where and how do I find _______? (I am leaving his name out intentionally). I was really taken back by this 'out of nowhere after decades past, request'!! I called my son. He was quite surprised and then said he needed a few days to think about it. I certainly didn't like at all that his father was searching for him. I maintained a neutral place so my son would not be influenced. I had always told him, that when we created him we loved each other and for a time we loved him together." I never bad mouthed his father after he left us.

A few days later my son called and asked me not to respond and told me that he had no intention of replying to the search and would I just leave it alone. I honored his decision. A few days ago my son called me to tell me that his Father found him on Face Book and that the message and reply went something like this:


"I know it has been a long time. I Lost your mother's phone number 20 years ago and the court said I wasn't allowed near you or your mother back then. I am sure you are angry at me and think I abandoned you. I always loved you. I know from your uncles how well you have done and I am so proud of you. I want you to know how sorry I am and I hope you will forgive me. Your loving father, _____.

My son replied something like this:

In regards to my being angry, I am not angry at you at all because I feel nothing for or about you nor do I hold you to anything. There is nothing to forgive you for either because you didn't leave me, I LEFT YOU!!. You are no more than an abandoned blip on some strangers radar screen. Don't contact me again and certainly don't contact my mother.

My son's words are quite powerful. I must admit that I feel like I won some kind of victory which is odd because after all these years I didn't know I was still at war. My son is very clear that he wants no relationship with his father and blocked him from further contact, via Face Book anyway. And for him, it was done. - Just like that! Done. I am the one carrying some old wounds and resentments for all that never was. I wanted him to say he was sorry for many, many years, and to ask for forgiveness, and truth be told? I feel a sick joy that his request was dismissed - not denied, DISMISSED which empowered my son and dis empowered him in ways that I never could have done. I can't even imagine carrying such a need to be forgiven by my child and when I finally asked to be forgiven that which I was painfully sorry for, for many years - I was invalidated and actually was told it NEVER even existed!!! My pain was for naught. My son, in one line, got right to the crux of it all.

And so the song I posted. I recall when it first came out and the radio announcer said, "if you are driving, pull over because this one is a tear-jerker!!!" I did pull over and I did cry. I cry every time I hear it, and now because a dream I had has ended - in that one line written on one day to a man who has no meaning, "There is nothing to forgive you for, you didn't leave me, I LEFT YOU...." and so it goes, so it goes.................

Love Gail
peace........