Thursday, July 30, 2009

Marble and Hostess Cupcakes

It is Thursday. I am here and paralyzed, well, not really but stunned, for sure. He said it is the size of a marble. I can't take this in - the words have meaning but I fight not to understand. Is that possible? Can I become ignorant to language, unable to comprehend, pretend I lost my vocabulary? No easy feat. My heart swelled and then deflated when he said, "I didn't think I was scared, but as soon as I heard your voice I just had to tell you." I felt so close to him, so intimate, so thrilled that it was me, me he trusted, me that he confided....me. I told him not to wait, not to see if the marble rolled away. He agreed, we hung up, he called me back. His appointment, Friday at 2:00.


(I use the "f" word as this post unfolds - sorry in advance if anyone is offended)

It is Friday morning - I feel sick. I don't know what words I will be writing later. All of my writings about truth and surrender and faith and courage and handling and facing whatever seems like total bullshit this morning. I want it to be an outcome that will make me scream in gratitude and celebration of all that is good and fair and right. This is my boy, my son..

God, please......

Mean while I made cupcakes, Hostess cupcakes exactly like the ones in the packages, me and JoJo, my best good friend - her son and my son are best friends - I went to her house, and she showed me how to make Hostess cupcakes - and we cried when I told her my fear, and we hugged, and we baked while we waited. And look at these cupcakes.













And so my son called, and he said that the doctor said "not to worry, it is NOT a tumor, keep an eye, and here is a name for a specialist should there be any changes, but I don't think there is anything wrong"!!!!!!!!! I feel relieved, not screaming relief but relieved - it is NOT a tumor. And what of my doubt, my lack of faith, my being ready to tell God to "F__K OFF!! Hah!! That means I am human - that means I am SO alive. That means I can feel whatever I need to feel to get to the next moment. That means I was revving up to fight. Sometimes I read some of the, shall we say, more syrupy posts, mine included, and I want to stick my finger down my throat. As if to say, - c'mon, no one is that "at peace" or that trusting" or that "one with themselves and the universe", or that "in tune" or that "forgiving" or that "I am right where I am suppose to be" or that "surrendered" all the time, every moment. Sometimes before any of that can ever happen I/we/you need to be really, really angry at whatever just fell on me, you, us like a freaking ton of bricks!! I am not going to be smiling, at first, or happy for the "gift of the opportunity", please - that is ridiculous. In retrospect, sure, I have had many tragic things happen and each one is now a gift of character and passion and truth and I know how important each experience was - but don't anyone tell me my son has cancer and expect me to go singing merrily along, don't even think about it. It's not fucking happening, not now, not ever. So for today, I am relieved - I am so relieved - it is not a tumor. My boy is okay. If that makes me lacking in some spiritual depth than so be it - Personally, I think I would be quite spiritually shallow were I to find even a moment of gratitude in an outcome such as a child's illness. Yes, spiritually shallow indeed. So on this one I take the high road, shallow, deep, whatever. I do not believe for one second that God would have wanted me to praise him on high today if that marble was a tumor. No fucking way!!



Gail
peace - sorta

22 comments:

Andy said...

No, I'm positive that no one would expect you to react in any way different than you did (or would, had it not been OK).

But everything turned out OK in the end. That's the main thing.

And your 'peace - sorta' made me smile. I don't remember you ever putting a condition on that before?

Gail said...

Hi Andy-

SO nice to see you. I so love your words.

And ya, a condition on peace - my son's well being would do it for sure!!

Love you
Gail
peace.....

The Rambling Taoist said...

There is nothing wrong with letting it all hang out. We humans come equipped with emotions and, when we try to repress how we really feel, the negative energy can tear you up inside. So, in my mind's eye, you've done the healthy thing -- you released it in all it's fury. Good on you!

Gail said...

Hi R T

Thank you SO Much - I SO agree - it is how I felt, had a right to feel, and so I did.

Love to you and Della
Gail
peace.....

PENolan said...

Nice Cupcakes, Mom
xo

Eileen said...

First ~
I'm happy to hear it was not devastating news. Although, I'd feel much like you now, I would have liked better than let's just watch it.
I'm in a similar situation, and I don't like it one bit!
But I offer prayers of Thanksgiving because things could be worse, and that's what I'll offer for your family too!

Second ~
Finally! Someone speaking my speak! Someone voicing my thoughts!

Whew! I thought I was a lost soul!
Don't get me wrong, I feel very, very Blessed in my life. But there are a whole load of 'not so nice' things going on that make me 'not so happy' and 'not so thankful'! This is what my feeling has been all along, that I'm extremely thankful for my many, many Blessings, and I can get to a place where I accept the trials, but I have never been in a place of praise and thankfulness for those trials, not once.

I feel extremely Blessed to be who I am, living the life I'm living, I would not want to trade places with anyone, but I am not ever peaceful or thankful about the trials that are thrown my way. I'm just not that type and I don't think I ever will be.
The best point I get to is this: Okay, God, I'll take it. I hate it, but I'll take it.

Looking back, yes, maybe some of those trials did end up Blessings, but at the time, 'was not feeling it!

I'm sorry for what you had to go through.
I'm grateful you shared it with us.
Love and Prayers,
Eileen

PS ~ I don't know if you ever came back to my post where you questioned about the village, but the answer was YES! OF COURSE!

Wanda said...

No one can be totally in control of their emotions Gail or have blind faith all the time...we need to express what we feel or we become empty vessels...life is not a bowl of cherries all the time...
You're just a Mother Bear! :)
Take care,
Wanda

Gail said...

Hi Trish-

And delicious too!! I really wasso amazed how they came out just like the Hostess cupcakes you buy at the store.

Love you
Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

Hi EIleen-

Thank you so much for ALL th validation and understanding. Phew.
We feel exactly the same. :-)

Love to you
Gail
peace....

Gail said...

Hi Wanda-

Thank you so much for your support. And for noticing and saying that I am a 'Mother-Bear'. Love it.

Love to you
Gail
pece.....

Choices said...

Gail,
It is so good that you let out your emotion. A perfectly healthy response. I am happy to hear that it all turned out well.

Take care.

Gail said...

Hi ANne - (choices)

Thanks so much for stopping by. And ya, I emoted and things are looking up!! :-)

Love Gail
peace.....

Bernie said...

Oh Gail, I am so sorry for your scare, and am so thankful that all turned out well.
Gail there are times in each of our lives that we are thrown a curve ball, we have no control over it but we do have control over how we respond to it. We all are as much the same as we are different and you my friend are entitled to your emotions...none of us have the right to judge you or tell you how you should feel....you are one strong lady who only wants to protect her son, make everything all right...I think that is called unconditional love my friend.
.....:-) Hugs

Gail said...

Hi Bernie

"thank you" for your true understanding and support. I absolutely adore you.

Love Gail
peace.....

PENolan said...

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that G*d, assuming there is a G*d, would be glad you felt comfortable enough to yell, "Fuck You," at her. We've got enough to be afraid of in life. She's not someone to fear.
Blessed Be

Gail said...

Hi Trish
you are so right. I actually wrote a line which I deleted that said something like - my being so pissed and saying it to God means I/we have a good relationship, so ya, you are so so right.
Love you girl
Gail
peace....

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

Gail, I REALLY REALLY understand - been there - did that... Yes, no feelings buried alive - no make believe "goodie" - "goodie" - the greatest healing comes from TRUTH not pretense. I am here for you - a 26 year survivor of cancer, and my youngest son, a 7 year survivor. Let me suggest a MOST helpful book, "Feelings buried Alive Never Die" by Karol Truman. I am a call away, an e-mail away - a HUG away.

Gail said...

Rose Marie-

"Thank you, thank you, thank you". You are so wonderful and so real. I feel your presence so strongly. Amen

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Comrade Kevin said...

*hug*

Gail said...

Hi Kevin-

"Thanks" :-)

Val said...

Gail,
So good. So, so, so good to read your words here today. On so many levels, so, so good.
Thank you.

I've had my share of "marbles", but never once have one of children... I can't imagine.... I can't even fathom this...

I feel your Truth, in all it's beauty and fuckedupness. I really feel it.

Thank you again.

Gail said...

Hi Val

Oh my, you, YOU are so welcome and SO real and SO amazing.
Loved you
Gail
peace