Friday, July 10, 2009
I was so thrilled when this lovely and large deer wandered out of the woods the other day. I was having a "lemon-gin-fizz" with my friend/mate from Australia - Dale. We both were so excited by the visit from the woods. She stayed a while, the deer and my friend!! :-) The rabbit came as well, although she stayed in the shadows so the picture was a blur.
I love when friends come by - planned and unexpected. There is always enough food, and a place at our table is quickly set - or chores that can be put aside so to spend time visiting. I am discovering and exploring a freer life style as I limit my work schedule to balance and manage my health. I thought this would be so hard to adjust to - and quite the opposite I am finding is true. I do feel some loss of my work as what I did was not a job to me but rather a calling - a ministry of sorts. Serving those in need during the height of their addiction crisis is challenging and intense and I was 'called' - 'destined' to serve those in need. And so, as I relax in nature, and find purpose in what bird seed to purchase and how to 'serve' the wild life that is all around me - it is, quite a change. And yet, I am easing into it without regret. In my twenty plus years as an addictions counselor I have had the privilege of being part of thousands of people along their journey to wellness. I am forever changed for having served so many. And, in some small way, I made a difference in their lives, as well. I know my ability to continue serving those in need at a full time or even part time employment basis is closing in - closing down - as doing so will make managing my health very difficult and could, in fact, increases my symptoms should I push myself. I have been wrestling with this reality - and holding on as best I can. I have a couple of fingers still clinging to the ledge - almost, but not quite ready to let go. Such things are NOT events, but rather a process.
I am pleased, for the most part, with the grace and calm I am experiencing as I surrender to my life's direction. Some mornings I am fooled, when I am particularly refreshed and feel energized. And so I embark excitedly, doing laundry, and cooking a meal ahead, and then I start to wane - feel the fatigue - the strain - and I know - I must balance and manage - and were I at my place of employment I would need to forge on and my symptoms would intensify - and then I am clear that I am right where I am suppose to be - home. - where I can stop and rest, manage and balance, pick and choose what I will and wont do, can't and can do - Sometimes I feel moments of anger at this disease and how it impedes me. I quickly move to all that I CAN do so long as I honor my symptoms and manage my life.
Knowing I will be retiring on full time disability soon is not easy to say. And so I am writing it, here, to all of you. I have some medical tests in August - I will meet with my neurologist again and the final decision will be made. In speaking with him today - he does not want me to return to work while I am having tests and until I am re-assessed. And so it is that I will be home. A place I love so very much. A haven, a sanctuary - a healing and loving tree-house.
And so what of the deer that came by? She, for me, means that the opportunities are endless in nature - that it is my time now to savor and explore and view and smell and feel all of it - I can be open to the unexpected and willing to go with the flow of the moment as never before possible. I am reminded of my childhood - a time when I was free to explore my yard and the woods and the apple orchard and the lakes and oceans. I had time and I was inquisitive and I loved exploring every season and all it's glory. And so I have come full circle - like a child again - free to explore and ally with nature - truth - perhaps an innocence again - caring for all of God's creatures.
and so it goes...................so it goes.
Posted by Gail at 6:10 PM