Friday, July 24, 2009

ANNIE

I was quite happy to see that some of you responded to the 'inner-child' post and even named your inner child. :-) In my work in addiction counseling within an in-patient rehabilitation setting the inner child groups are always so powerful. I am always so moved by the courage, strength, endurance, and survival of their inner-children. Children they, like me, hid and dismissed for so long, believing that whatever happened to that child was just too painful, shameful and tragic to reveal. And coming to realize that this same child is, in fact, their greatest source of wisdom, hope, strength and freedom. Take a moment to listen to this song, please.......










"Annie" is so free and so thrilled to have a voice. I silenced her for a long, long time. I didn't know about the power of "truth" and regardless of the details of my truth "it" is part of me and therefore has purpose, place, passion, wisdom and needs to be loved with all my other truths. All the other parts of me. I fought against this for years. When I met James, the priest, - my journey to truth began. Annie was buried, silent and afraid. He saw her through my spirit - spoke to her for the first time, and freed her, gave her, her voice.......and gently brought her in to the light. It was a long journey. I did not want to remember, feel and know what happened to me. James taught me, showed me, believed in me and Annie, and so it came to be............I remembered, I felt, I surrendered to truths that are unthinkable, unimaginable, and yet my survival, my existence, my strength and courage are also true and purposeful. I was in a swirl of emotions from paralyzing fear to agonizing memories and cathartic recall that almost broke me. But it didn't break me, I am here..in full memory, full disclosure, full truth. All love. Amazing.

When I was to finish my journey with Daniel, the co-pastor - the truth became a tool - a means for Daniel to use me and Annie. I obeyed - like a good Catholic girl should. I believed Jesus was guiding him and that he loved me. He told me again and again that he did and that he would never hurt me and that Jesus would help him sacrifice that so I could be free. I followed him without question, - doubt - but never question, and so he brought me to my knees.....and James found me. And later said it never happened. The priesthood is quite a brotherhood of deception and cover-ups!!!

I survived. It was the only time I ever wanted to die - but I didn't. I survived, I stood up again and I fought. I found an honorable and professional therapist with appropriate boundaries and no "agenda" except to help me heal. And I did. Amen.

Annie is alive and well. I do believe that most of us have an "inner child" we need to be in touch with intimately. I learned that every decision I make needs to consider how the little girl in me will be effected. I picture me at a young age and ask, "how will this effect her?" It is so wondrous how doing that changed my life for the better forever.....Annie is my guide, my most powerful source of courage and strength. I adore her. And to think that for years I was so ashamed and so intent on hiding her - hiding my truth. No more.

I hope you are all in touch with your inner child and that you always give that part of yourself a voice and a place in your life. To do so is all loving, all surrendering, al purposeful, all freeing, and life giving to you and everyone you meet.

I will end with another favorite song of mine and of my brother-in-law Kel's - who died just six months ago - and saw his last sunrise htrough his wife's eyes and his two son's eyes as they all looked out that window facing East - kel's oldest son, Clayton? He was waiting just the other side of the sunrise - open arms to welcome Kel home.




Love,
Gail/Annie
Peace.......

17 comments:

Eileen said...

Beautiful post, Gail!
I'm so happy your heart/soul is healing and pray it will continue so.

I've had a few well, let's just say they were not very nice episodes in my childhood, a betrayal of love and trust in adults, but I never buried them. I didn't tell my parents, but I did share these episodes with others and continue to do that. I know the things that have happened to me, I acknowledge them, but I don't let them stunt me, and I choose to move forward. And I'm glad to hear that's what you've done too.

All good wishes for you, Gail.
You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Eileen

Gail said...

Hi Eileen-

Your words of understanding and support mean a lot to me. I am sorry for your hurts and betrayals too - and thrilled that you have forged on forward, as well. "We are women hear us roar"!!!!

Love to you'
Gail
peace.....

Wanda said...

I'm sorry for your past pain Gail...It breaks my heart to see or hear of children just being repremanded harshly...let alone taken advantage of or being hurt in a way that changes who they are.

How anyone could harm a child on purpose over and over is unbelievable...children are so easily hurt by even well meaning adults in less serious ways sometimes. They all should be able to grow up feeling loved, secure, and protected.

If I could change the world, I would.

Take care Gail,
Wanda

Gail said...

hi Wanda-
"thank you" for your deep concern and care of such things. My abuser was a teacher. And back then we just kept it a secret.

I am okay Wanda - I survived - Annie is amazing :-) And I SO appreciate walking with you about your magical 'nature-land'....and your sharing your beautiful nature-land IS changing the world - it changed mine.

Love to you
Gail
peace......

Choices said...

I am sorry hear about your past pain, but I am glad that you are now healing and you are a surviver.
A long time ago, when I was going through a rough time in my life, someone told me that we all have a inner strength and it will always comes out. When it does you will know that you have the strength to pervail. I know the exact time and place where my inner strength came out.I was even complimented upon the strength that I had.Through lots of hard work lots of struggles, and determination, I am very happy in my life and I feel truly blessed. You have shown that you have inner strength because you have moved foward. This strength keeps getting stronger and stronger.

Gail said...

Hi 'Choices"

o nice to see you here and I truly appreciate your understanding and shared wisdom. So nice to hear that you are happy and blessed. I am too. :-)

Love Gail
peace.....

Comrade Kevin said...

I think I have an inner child somewhere underneath it all. It's probably trusting, naive, sentimental, and withdrawn.

Gail said...

Hi Kevin-
I believe you do too Kevin. It is so nice to see you here, as always.

Love Gail
peace.....

PENolan said...

As you know, my inner child is so strong I have to keep remembering to think like an adult. There's a challenge.

I love that CSN song, too, but mostly I love it that you're here.

Gail said...

Hi Trish-

Oh yes, your inner-child is very strong. Love her!! And I always so appreciate your words to me. Thanks. :-)

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

Thank you for your visit to APOGEE Poet. MY MY, we do weave common threads into this cloak of time called life!!! DITTO DITTO hear my chant to the wisdom of your posts. As you may gather from the many poems posted, my inner child is surely a happy camper. Changes goin' on for a spell now! GREAT place to be! I celebrate your work!

The published book of poetry, "The Wind and the Willow," charts the many roads traveled to arrive HOME to SELF!

I too, am a consultant/therapist/coach: http://www.apogeelearning.com - serving many wounded learners over the last 26 years of private practice.

Do visit. Let us mutually follow.

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

PS Feel my HUG! The posted video of "The Greatest Love" is indeed the GREATEST! My most favorite song - one that has had a significant healing influence from the first moment I heard it several years ago.

Blessings and Praise,

Rose Marie

Gail said...

Hi Rose Marie-

I am SO thrilled you visited me here. And yes, so it is true we have common threads of service, passion, hope, wholeness, journey to self, our inner-child happy and well,
and music - I too look forward to our journey, as we get in stride now moving forward.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Teresa said...

Hi Gail,
This was a beautiful post today, and I am still not completely sure about the "inner child" thing, or how I am supposed to nurture her. Guess I am a little confused. Can you tell me more about it?

Gail said...

Hi Teresa-
So nice to see you here. And I will look for my post about the inner child I wrote and get you the date so you can read it.

Love to you
Gail
peace...........

Teresa said...

Hi Again Gail,
I have heard about nurturing your inner child, but I have no idea how one can do that. About my experience with being betrayed by clergy, well I don't really like to talk about that much. If anything that changed me and hurt me more than any other event in my life. I was not a child when it happened, but I had entrusted him with my childhood secrets, along with problems I was having in my marriage.

Gail said...

Hi Teresa-

I left a reply over at your blog. We have a very similar experience.

Love, Gail
peace....