Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Protector verses The Intruder

The phone call was not unexpected. I had cautioned that soon good would turn to bad if changes were not made. I was right. And may I add, being right has it's own set of consequences. I wish, with all my heart I had been wrong.

He had no right to call her. After all, she has been the protector, the one who provided safety and a place of healing and love following a desperate time. He decided he had a 'place' in all this. A place he has not yet earned by any stretch. He said such things as, "oh get over yourself, and stop making this so hard and we are coming to get OUR son!" Our son? What the fuck? He hasn't even met him. He has no idea what this child has been through. And her, quiet and submissive, allowing him to talk to her this way. The hurt and betrayal is intense. The protector expecting to be defended for all that has been done, the intruder barraging the protector with 'his' feelings, like they matter and the child's mother unable to stand up and do what is right. To say, "Don't you dare talk to her that way." Instead she justified his feelings and right to be rude and offensive.

And so the child is suppose to come home, Tuesday. She and the intruder will go and get him. If not, she will take custody and he will not come home at all, maybe never. The protector said the intruder is not allowed on her property and for her to come for her son alone. She, without question, stated that she will call the police if he steps one foot on her property. As sure as I am writing this Post I know the intruder will be with her. Her ability to tell him otherwise is lost in her needs and sense of self. He is in control. The protector is in control also and when the two forces meet it will be nothing short of a war, a fight for power and validation and the protector will win. I just don't know what 'winning' will look like. I only know that the protector will win, hands down. Readers, you have no idea how true this is.

I am thinking of my letter to her, my 'Why I Am Thankful For You' letter. As you know, those of you who read it. i spoke to my trust in her process for bringing her son home. I considered changing the letter. I think I will leave it as it is. I still have to stand by and wait to see what she will do, with or without the intruder. I will do my best to warn her of the force waiting for them if she allows him to go with her. I will also remind her that if she doesn't go and get him she will lose custody of her son. And then I will wait. I will continue on with my Thanksgiving preparations. I will neatly fold each letter and place them lovingly on each person's place-setting. We will eat and drink Nouveau Beaujolais and laugh and maybe even cry. There is much unknown at this time. How many will be at our table? Will her son's thankful letter need to be mailed or will there be a place setting for him here on Thanksgiving. I have no idea right now. I do know that the intruder will not be here. He is not invited.

I will pull from every inner and outer resource for balance and peace and kindness. I, like the protector, want to knock him in to next week. How's that for one who professes peace? Or maybe it's her, the submissive one I wish to shake. I know I will defend the protector. The intruder has no idea of my wrath when it comes to protecting my own. I am fierce, relentless, and quite brave. I have the ability to cut someone down with my words. It is a defensive skill I have used only several times in my entire life. I feel it's presence today, waiting to be released at the first sign of needing to defend. I am ready. There is an odd comfort in knowing this - like having a weapon should I need it. Yes, comfort indeed.

Time will tell -

Ready and waiting.

peace and war


PENolan said...

I'm reminded of you taking care of the bully at the school bus. You can do anything you decide to do, but first you have to decide what is best for everyone. Tough call, Mom. Maybe the answer is in a metaphor . . .

Comrade Kevin said...

You do have a tremendous strength within yourself, as you have noted here. Many do not respond to adversity with the desire to fight back---many crumble under the pressure and fold up.

Gail said...

Hi Trish- Hi Kevin

Hi Trish-
Yes, the bully. You are so right. I feel much the same. The day has been moved to Friday from Tuesday. She will go alone, not with the intruder. She heeded my warning.
Tnanks Trish, for this and so much more.

Love, Gail

Hi Kevin -
I wonder at times where the strength comes from. I become like Sigourney Weaver in Aliens, it is primal.
I wrote back to you about some of what I feel about hope. I could of gone on and on.