Thursday, November 13, 2008

Is Life Fair?

Some times life simply isn't fair. Yea, Yea, I know, - Who said life is suppose to be fair? Blah, blah, blah...........
I was walking in my yard today with my physical therapist. He was more or less mapping out a trail for me to navigate to increase my strength, balance and endurance. That definitely seems fair. All things considered, it is very fair, indeed. I like ending sentences with the word indeed. Gives it a finality or determined feel. Whatever.

What wasn't fair was the details of a phone call I received. My 'ill' family member got more ill. Rushed off to the hospital with some type of liver distress. Not fair, indeed. Enough.

I went outside in the rain afterward. I allowed the cool drops to hit my face and dampen my hair and jacket. I was glad my hair was natural, as in no hair spray, because wet hair spray is quite unsightly. The wind was strong and the rain drops quickly tuned to little bee bees stinging my cheeks. I didn't care. I leaned on my cane, which, by the way, I had specially made. It is yellow with colorful butterflies and flowers and was hand carved in Vietnam. Initially I feared it was made in some child labor mill. Actually, I still think that. Sorry.

The grass was squishy and muddy. As I looked around a few leaves clung to branches for dear life. Our wood pile, stacked between two trees adorned with those tree face characters, awaits it's final journey to the fires of our wood stove. I heard the U P S truck. Every vehicle is of interest because there is no traffic here, other than the neighbors. The U P S guy brought a large package to our door. I sauntered over. It couldn't be. I just ordered that yesterday! But it was true, indeed. My son's "Go" board arrived in less that 24 hours. Mind boggling. For those of you who do not know, the "Go" board is a game with little black and white pieces that move around the board. I have no idea how the game is won or lost, only that my son asked for it for Christmas. I am sure I will learn how to play when he is home during the Christmas holiday. I am looking forward to it. I dragged the heavy, bulky box inside out of the elements.

I had a wonderful evening with my daughter. The "North-South' gal. We had a joyous time. I made, what she refers to as "plucky foods". Cute, huh? We started with fried dough and marinara sauce for dipping. One of her favorites, and mine too. Real comfort food. Then we had steak quessadilla rolls and potato skins. All fun food. I had all the right dipping sauces and toppings to complete our meal. It was perfect. She talked a lot an I listened intently. Her new guy' sounds all right and I/we will meet him soon. She makes me laugh like no one else can. Her humor and wit is right on. And, I , with ease, wrote her "Why I Am Thankful For You Letter' yesterday, as well. It is a beautiful writing. I guess our upheaval last week was needed to clear the air, so to speak. I got to the love and gratitude easily and her beauty and wonder and gifts flowed on to the paper like soft rain. Mother's, well this mother, rallies quickly and I prefer to live and relate in the goodness and love rather than any hurt or fear. I know those feelings and outcomes demand attention and I also know, once expressed, that resolve must follow.
Here is the letter I wrote to her.

Thanksgiving - 2008

Dear Jennifer,
This year has had many facets. Regardless, our love and ability to work through anything is amongst one of my greatest gifts with and from you. Any relationship can stay strong when it is smooth sailing. You and I have weathered many storms - each one bringing us closer and with more understanding of who we are as Mother and daughter. This too fills me with gratitude. I love that you believe I am worth it, that we are worth it. There is no greater gift than to be “worth someone’s while”.

I so admire how amazing you are with your clients at work. Your ability to make them feel worthy, safe, comfortable and able to even laugh at themselves is truly a gift, and a tribute to you and your good sense of self. Not everyone can work in such an environment, but you? You shine like a bright beacon of hope for so many who are lost. I am filled with joy when clients tell me how wonderful you are, or how you took extra time to just listen to them. You are helping people to heal and grow and re-empower themselves and you do it with sensitivity, humor, kindness and wisdom. Just think of the many lives that you have helped re-shape. I am so thrilled when I say, “Jennifer? - that’s my daughter”!! :-)

I agonized as I felt, deeply, the events that broke you. And I stood at attention applauding your courage to finally say, “ENOUGH”!! You have turned your whole life around and I know how hard it was to move on. But you did. I know your heart breaks for Jo’el’s distance from you. Mine does too. I believe in you Jennifer, and I know you will do what you need to do to bring him home. It is in your time and your ability to do so and I stand, lovingly, in waiting. I cherish who you are as a Mom and I have been privileged to share in your being Jo’el’s Mom. I have been selfish in some ways, wanting you to do things on my time schedule. That is no longer the case. I trust you as his Mom, and I cannot even begin to imagine what this separation has been like for you. And I know that you are driven to be united with him again and so I will trust in you, your process for reunification. Until then, know that I carry in me, your sorrow, your hope and your amazing courage to start again.

I am forever grateful for you. You still make me laugh like no one else can, and I love you SO very, very much. - NO MATTER WHAT!
Love, Mom

I started this post writing that life isn't fair - as I conclude I realize that this outcome is quite fair, quite fair indeed. (love that word) :-)



Comrade Kevin said...

How touching it is to see the love you feel for your daughter.

Gail said...

Thanks Kevin -

I am glad you felt the love in my heart,come through in my writing - it is easy for the love, always there, to flow out when I don't allow any obstacles to interfere. It is good to express and show love, good indeed.


PENolan said...

Very good - and rare. I don't regret who I am, but a lot of personal issues could have been avoided if my mom could do that.

Happy (early) Thanksgiving

Gail said...

Hi Trish-

Thanks for your words.
and Happy early Thanksgiving to you too.

Anonymous said...

gailee...i adore you. i love to laugh with you, cry to you, listen to you, share with of with you. (of course) Jennifer is so very lucky.