Monday, October 13, 2008


I was talking to someone the other day and she commented how often I said "we". The word was striking for her because for so long she has been an "I" and additionally, when she was married and suppose to be a "we" she and he were each "I's".

I mentioned such things as we wrote out the bills, we gathered kindling wood, we cleaned up the garden, we watched a movie, we prepared dinner, we played music, we sang and on and on. We continued talking and words and insights and gratitude filled me. I explained that we have an understanding about the "I" of "We". We believe that whatever we do outside the 'we' must always be something that can come back in to the 'we' and add to or enhance the 'we-factor'. Of course we both have interests and friends that we enjoy outside the 'we'. Our vow is that those interests and relationships should never take away from or cause harm to the 'we'. I know this sounds simplistic and I must admit - it is, simple. It is for us. It makes perfect sense.

We are careful as individuals and as life's partners to filter who and what can be part of the 'we'. It is an entity worth protecting, preserving, ensuring, celebrating, honoring and sharing. People that are an extended part of our 'we' know the strength and passion of our 'we'. Most are inspired by it. Some feel it is impossible to maintain, some have run and some can't get enough. Our son said that coming home and being in the "we" gives him hope that one day he will be a "we" like us. I like that he feels that way. He is a skeptic tried and true, but not about this.

'We" takes work. Don't be fooled by thinking it just happens. There are aspects of a good 'we' that have the feel of a natural order of things. Still, these need to be acknowledged and nurtured. For example, if you both have similar values about children, relationship do's and don'ts, finances, social justice, faith, work ethics, family values, sex, and so forth this all helps. However, each of these vital expressions and approaches require compromise and respect and good communication. And after all is said and done and perhaps you agree to disagree and the core 'we' is still in tact and thriving then your 'we' is strong.

It is often in our ability to love despite differences that strengthens the 'we'. You know when the difference is such that it becomes a violation of self. It is then that the 'we' crumbles. People elude themselves into believing that such violations will not destroy the 'we-factor' but it always does. If you are lucky or pro-active you will know before you create the 'we' that the other half of your possible 'we' is someone whose values and ethics will violate you. Many ignore the obvious because they think they can change the other person. That is the biggest false hope of all. No one can change anyone else. Many have died trying. The core person will always be - so it is best to know what that is and decide if it is a core you can embrace as part of your 'we'.

I have been in significant relationships where I have ignored the obvious. In many ways I felt challenged by thinking I would be the one to bring this person around to see it my way. Hah!! Each of these relationships ended miserably with ample time necessary to recoup.

I waited and explored before I became part of my current 'we'. A 'we' for two decades now. There is nothing about him I want to change and there is nothing about me he wants to change. The differences are exciting, and at times even annoying, but never violating. Our core values around all the major issues are similar and where we may differ we easily compromise. Choices we make outside our 'we' are always choices that we can bring back happily to our 'we' to share. When mistakes are made they are not so harmful as to separate either of us from being 'we'. We forgive. I watched a movie the other night and it spoke to five elements, as follows:

1- life isn't always fair
2- regard loyalty
3- sacrifice
4- forgive
5- dance with memories -love lives on in them

I am trying to say, - ally yourself with someone who believes in you just as you are and that you can believe in just as they are. One has to know and love themselves first, for that to happen. Never compromise your values to not be alone and never ever become someone you are not. And when you think you have to change someone for you to be happy, chances are you will never be happy. People pretty much show and tell us who they are rather quickly. Believe what they show you and tell you.

I hope any of you reading this know your own value and worth and that you find someone or have someone that by their design lives a life that just by chance, blends with yours and the 'we' that is created will honor and sustain you both forever.



Comrade Kevin said...

We is fine, so long as I doesn't get submerged underneath it all into a kind of co-dependency.

Ideally, a relationship should be an equitable partnership between two people. Many people get married or involved in relationship for selfish reasons or remain in them out of a kind of mulishness that does them no good at all.

Gail said...

Hi Kevin-

I agree with your thoughts. Also, that is why I spoke about the issue of people ignoring the 'obvious' so they are not alone. That never works. And in regards to co-dependency? There is always an element of that in every relationship. The "we" I am in is free.....and free is good. It just so happens that what we choose to do and be while free luckily has a good effect on the "we". Ya know?

Good to hear from you Kevin, as always.