MONSTER

After being ordered to remove clothing I waited nervously as I stood awkwardly before the monster who glared at me anxious to make me his next victim. I was exposed, half naked and frightened. I felt his cold stare and saw the strength of his stature and knew there was no escape. It was just me and him. I was given commands to move closer to him and stay still. His touch was anything but kind and his intent was to look through me and enter me in places I couldn't see or reach. He had a mission to complete and I was expected to not resist but rather give in to his intended purpose. He moved around me, slowly, stopping for a better look and feel. Commanding me to move this way or that. There was pressure and positioning that made me wince in pain. He pushed against me and was relentless until it was his desire to move on. His sounds were frightening, rhythmic and intense. I tried to get in his stride to create the appearance of acceptance hoping this surrender would lessen his presumed rage. Nothing I did mattered. I was his to have, invade, abuse, penetrate, and explore. At one point I felt he was unsure of his next move and that it was a rare moment in which I could break free. I couldn't have been more wrong. His hold became stronger, forcing me back in to his cold and strong embrace, insisting I not move or even breathe. I obeyed out of fear. Eventually the monster stopped, he finished and he released me from his coldness and superman eyes. I was allowed to put on my clothes and leave. He was through with me and I survived. I could breathe again without fear of his wrath.

Many, just like me have stood half naked before monsters just like him and fearfully anticipated his next move, his command, his force and intrusion. He is big and bulky and intense. He knows what he is looking for, what he wants and he does not stop until he either finds what he is looking for or he is forced to stop because it is simply over. Waiting for his discovery or lack of is worse than having been under his control. He has answers and knows things that only he can reveal. He has seen inside of me, he has looked in with his superman eyes and saw or didn't see anything, while I was held captive in his coldness. He held my life in his hands then and now, as I wait. I ask myself, was I good enough? Did I please him? Did he like what he saw or was he disappointed? As a woman, was I beautiful to him or just another woman for him to do with as he pleased? - Like the others he has forced into submission? Did I resist too much, move the wrong way, upset him by my child-like awkwardness? Would he be punishing?

His initial revelation is one of no consequence, no interest. I am relieved. I cry tears of relief. I believe him and I walk away singing "I WILL SURVIVE" as loudly as I possibly can.

Gail

"First I was afraid I was petrified, thinking I could never live without you by my side. I spent oh so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along...now you see me as somebody new.................." la la la la la la