Monday, October 20, 2008


After being ordered to remove clothing I waited nervously as I stood awkwardly before the monster who glared at me anxious to make me his next victim. I was exposed, half naked and frightened. I felt his cold stare and saw the strength of his stature and knew there was no escape. It was just me and him. I was given commands to move closer to him and stay still. His touch was anything but kind and his intent was to look through me and enter me in places I couldn't see or reach. He had a mission to complete and I was expected to not resist but rather give in to his intended purpose. He moved around me, slowly, stopping for a better look and feel. Commanding me to move this way or that. There was pressure and positioning that made me wince in pain. He pushed against me and was relentless until it was his desire to move on. His sounds were frightening, rhythmic and intense. I tried to get in his stride to create the appearance of acceptance hoping this surrender would lessen his presumed rage. Nothing I did mattered. I was his to have, invade, abuse, penetrate, and explore. At one point I felt he was unsure of his next move and that it was a rare moment in which I could break free. I couldn't have been more wrong. His hold became stronger, forcing me back in to his cold and strong embrace, insisting I not move or even breathe. I obeyed out of fear. Eventually the monster stopped, he finished and he released me from his coldness and superman eyes. I was allowed to put on my clothes and leave. He was through with me and I survived. I could breathe again without fear of his wrath.

Many, just like me have stood half naked before monsters just like him and fearfully anticipated his next move, his command, his force and intrusion. He is big and bulky and intense. He knows what he is looking for, what he wants and he does not stop until he either finds what he is looking for or he is forced to stop because it is simply over. Waiting for his discovery or lack of is worse than having been under his control. He has answers and knows things that only he can reveal. He has seen inside of me, he has looked in with his superman eyes and saw or didn't see anything, while I was held captive in his coldness. He held my life in his hands then and now, as I wait. I ask myself, was I good enough? Did I please him? Did he like what he saw or was he disappointed? As a woman, was I beautiful to him or just another woman for him to do with as he pleased? - Like the others he has forced into submission? Did I resist too much, move the wrong way, upset him by my child-like awkwardness? Would he be punishing?

His initial revelation is one of no consequence, no interest. I am relieved. I cry tears of relief. I believe him and I walk away singing "I WILL SURVIVE" as loudly as I possibly can.


"First I was afraid I was petrified, thinking I could never live without you by my side. I spent oh so many nights thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get you see me as somebody new.................." la la la la la la


PENolan said...

Not a single metaphor - just the gut wrenching, God's honest, Truth.
Very compelling, and the anquish is palpable. That may be what your mentor was pushing you toward. Ending with the song is almost like participating in your process because the events in the story make the air go out of your chest, and you can't rejoin ordinary life without hanging on to a distraction.

Gail said...

Hi Trish-

As always your insights are critical and well thought out. The song at the end felt so good, and ya, it was like re-joining ordinary life having survived the event. Absolutely.
I was trying to use metaphor, maybe when the metaphor has a foundation of truth with purpose in of itself it just doesn't work. Well, I am enjoying trying a different style of writing, who knows where it will lead. And feed back like yours really helps along that path.

Thanks Trish


Comrade Kevin said...

I hope I have never come across that way. I have a habit of eyeing attractive strangers, but I hope no one thinks I'm a monster!

Gail said...

Hi Kevin -

Not ever would you ever be perceived as a monster. This post IS a metaphor.
I really thought folks would figure it out. I will give it another day and then tell if no one gets it.

You are a beautiful soul.