Friday, September 3, 2010

ONE MOMENT



The above two pictures speak for themselves. I hit my left side harder and this is the bruising on my arm and elbow. I decided to not post the picture of my butt with the bruises on my left cheek!!


For three days Skipp and I have been in emotional turmoil. Every time we make eye contact we start to cry and kind of clutch and grab on and grapple as we emotionally re-live the fall and the details of it, - all the while intertwined in a desperate moving hug of sorts. Hair and faces are gently stroked, hands held tightly, huge sighs and big tears, heads get lowered on to hands or on to shoulders and a perpetual back and forth of the head that means "no,,no, no"...... words are spoken of apology and "it's not your fault", more tears, more details, more "if only's"..... heating pads, Tylenol, moaning, and so we wrestled with every emotional detail for three days. Exhausting.

It seems that 'one moment' has impacted us harshly. And although we certainly realize the flip on to Wal-Marts pavement was traumatic, what we are experiencing in response is bigger that that and we couldn't seem to reconcile why until today.................. this "flip" is a microcosm of a bigger reality we grapple with and live with and manage every day. Ever since my M S diagnosis and when I have a 'flare-up' Skipp desperately wants to 'fix" it. His desire to help and fix comes form the depths of his loving heart and soul and he agonizes that he can't. When I flipped over in the rollator and he couldn't stop it , it re-enforced, and crystallized his powerlessness and mine too. As much as we are facing this illness together we are powerless, to a degree, over it's path just like on Monday when I began to flip backwards Skipp fell over with me - he couldn't stop me nor himself. We are in this together - sometimes both of us are going along for the ride. That certainly was the case on Monday.

And I am not saying there aren't many things we do to manage this disease together and individually. Regardless, sometimes I/we just have to hold on and hope for the best. It is in those times, when powerlessness is evident and the truth is driven in like a crooked rivet - it is a test and or a testament to the human spirit and strength - and sometimes we pass with flying colors, sometimes we barely make it, and sometimes, well...............you know.





34 comments:

PENolan said...

That's when you hold on to the chair, baby.

Just Be Real said...

Oh dear one! OUCH! I am so very sorry. Looks very painful. Praying for a speedy recovery and that pain to subside. Safe hugs to you.

Gail said...

HI JBR-

Thanks you so much for your prayers. I am on the mend.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope

Gail said...

HI PENOLAN

Oh I love how you remembered what Dolan said. Made my night. Thanks girl.

Love to you always Texas
Gail
peace and hope

Bernie said...

My dear friend, your pain of physical, emotional and even the pain of acceptence is very obvious in this post....I am so sorry. It is hard to watch someone you love hurt so my heart aches for both you and Skipp. Heal fast my friend, be as well as you can be and try and enjoy this Labor Day weekend......:-) Hugs

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

Gail, you are never powerless, for power is ever present in your love, in your spirit, in your bonding, in the very Grace that you bring to each challenge you meet. I believe in your strength of spirit, in your call to move beyond these injuries into the knowing field of Faith and well Being.

Much love and healing,

Rose Marie

Cinner said...

Gail, Man that looks just brutal, I read this and cried, as I was reading this I knew you were looking at the big picture. I understand Skipps feeling of helplessness, Wain was the same way when I was falling all the time and they did not know what was wrong, I remember seeing him and my sister crying in the kitchen, that was when I realized that what I was going through affected more than just me. Gail try and live for today, do what you can so the future will be the best it can be. I know you do because of when we talked.Feel what you feel, thats how you will get through this. I keep praying and ask that my friend
have a much better time of this. Let me hold your hand, from here.
Hey and if you just want to tell me to shut up, thats okay too, or even yell at me. whatever it takes to make you feel better, even for a moment. love you.

The-Grizzled-But-Still-Incorrigible-Scribe-Himself! said...

Glad to hear the storm missed you.

So very sorry you had such a crash, and I know that bruise hurts. I say next time you go into WalMart's, you get one of their scooters, zip down the BEDDING aisle, whack into the pillows section, and claim the throttle stuck…just for fun.

Have a peaceful, painless weekend. But most of all, have a good weekend and enjoy your family and friends and life.

Finding Pam said...

Gail, those are some really bad bruises. I hope and pray that fall did not injure you any worse than it did. At my age, a fall like that is really detrimental and would set me back for a while.

It was just awful and I am soad that Skipp feels at fault. Some things no one could prevent, not even Skipp. It is horrible to feel powerless over a situation. I pray that skipp can forgive himself as I know you don't blame him.

Lifting you both up in my prayers.

Much love,peace and healing to you.

Wanda..... said...

Hope the emotional feelings calm for you and the painful bruises fade, Gail. Almost makes one want to stay in the safety of their own environment-Home! Hope you can enjoy the weekend!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Gail...I'm sorry to hear this!!! I pray you heal quickly!!! Sending you much love!! Janine XO

Diana said...

Well Gail you made a great point. I think life in general is a test of the human spirit. I don't have MS but I do feel constantly tested. I feel grateful that you and I both have such wonderful mates. I think that helps tremendously. Can you imagine if we didn't? I am so sorry about that fall. It certainly sounded like a bad one. Bad enough to get the store to fix it and pay your bills. No I am not sue happy or anything, I just don't think you should have to pay for that. Love you, hugs, Love Di ♥

Gail said...

HI ROSEMARIE-

"Thank you" for reminding me that I am never powerless. And I love those words, "knowing field of faith..........." yes.

HI CINNER-

I so appreciate your love and your tears too. And yes, holding youir hand would be wonderful. I knew you would understand so fully - that is both a blessing and a curse, huh?


HI GRIZZ-

thanks for the "get even levity" - ANd since the weather has actually cleared and it is dry and cool I will be able to absorb the healing sources of nature. Thanks Grizz.


HI BERNIE-

I so appreciate your love and prayers and support. I feel you close to me, I do. And yes, I will absorb this gorgeous weather and be open to its healing possibilities.

HI PAM

Ya, it really has been rough. And my ageg and already comprimised health certainlym ake recovering form this fall quite an endeavor. I am so happy that the weather has cooled down and dried out and that i can be outside. And when I take a nap late with my heating pad in front of the big picture window a nice breeze will surround me and I will rest very well. Thank you so much for your kind support and understanding.


HI WANDA-

Oh yes, I am SO safe here at home. I always feel uneasy when I am out and about. I am healing, slowly and quietly. thank you for coming to see me, means a lot


HI JANINE (Siffles and Smiles)

thank you so much for your love and prayers. SO good to see you.



Love to you ALL
Gail
peace, hope and healing

Gail said...

HI DIANA

oh how I know you know!! And ya, we are SO lucky to have such great mates. I hear ya about suing. We are wrestling with it - I intend to, at the very least, submit any out of pocket expenses like co-pays. And it would sure be nice if they would "zero out" our Wal-Mart charge!! THanks DI for your wonderful freindship and love and support.
And, how are YOU feeling?

Love to you
Gail
peace, hope and healing

Bonnie said...

You do have a lot to grieve and process and sometimes these concrete accidents provide an entry point into the bigger work. So good that you have a partner who is able to join you in the emotional part of this MS journey.
Take care Gail.

Gail said...

HI BONNIE-

phew. and ya, Skipp is a gem, a saint actually. He NEVER complains.

Love to you
Gail
peace, hope and healing.....

Comrade Kevin said...

I'm sorry to hear about this. I have been so busy recently I haven't had the ability to get to anyone's site all that much.

As for the SSD, I had to go through an extensive six month process. What you dealt with was likely a side effect of an overly complicated system and workers who were not suitably trained to know how to handle the case.

Keep healing!

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

An extra bucket of HEALING HUGS sent on its way through cyberspace with direct delivery to your heart. Feel the love upon arrival, feel the joy upon the healing... all yours dear friend.

Gail said...

HI ROSEMARIE

I dumped the whole bucket of healing hugs right over my head and all over me. Feels wonderful. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Love and so much appreciaiton
Gail
peace, hope and healing

Gail said...

HI KEVIN -
I know you are ovewhelmed, no worries, k? ANd I am not sure what you meant because I was really thrilled I got awarded benefits first time applied, no appeals or hearings, it took a while but it went through first time. phew.

Hope you are balancing your world


Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Voice of a Woman said...

Oh, dearest Gail, soft and gentle healing hugs to you!

You write so poignantly and forthrightly about how the complexity of a chronic disease or health crisis imbues the fabric of your relationship and alters it irrevocably. A heartfelt thank you for writing this along with abundant blessings and prayers to you and Scott. ♥

Gail said...

HI VOICE OF A WOMAN
Great name. And I truly appreciate your kind words of support and clarity. And his name is 'Skipp', not 'Scot' :-) I will go to your place soon.

Love Gail
peace and hope.....

Tramp said...

oh Gail you have had an eventful time.
i have a wonderful wife looking after me.
there is a lot in what you say about personal relationship to pain and how much someone can help and how much you must face yourself.
i hope my back problems are short term, it started with such a silly thing as leaning over to change a headlight in the car and then got worse.
you mentioned you bought school things for your grandson. our grandson started school last week, we are rather worried that he has developed a stammer. finally we managed to convince his parents to see someone about it. its difficult not to interfer when things are going wrong. i digress and i am rambling. my very best wishes.
...tramp

Gail said...

HI TRAMP

I am thrilled to see you. And yes, I have had quite an eventful time, indeed. I love how you understand. Sorry to hear of your back pain - I too hope it is short term.
Now, about your grandson. By stammer, you mean stutter, yes? That is very debilitating for anyone, especially child. I am SO glad you 'interfered'. And I use that word loosely. You so did the right thing.

I am resting up this long weekend, listening to my very sore body. I will watch some "girl movies" and flip to the Jerry Lewis Telethon, which, God forgive me, I can only take in small doses. The weather has cleared so - I can get outside with Gracey-Blue and absorb the healing sources of nature.

Love to you my dear friend
Gail
peace and hope.....

Teacher's Pet said...

Thank you for your visit to my blog... I am soooo sorry to hear of your setback...and your fall. Take care of you, my friend. I hope that you have a good day on Monday. I'll be thinking about you....

Gail said...

HI TEACHER'S PET

thanks for coming by and for your prayers and wishes.

Love Gail
peace and hope and healing

TheChicGeek said...

Ahhh, Gail, I'm so sorry. That looks so painful. You write so well your feelings. I hear you and I can understand. Life can be hard and enjoying the journey isn't always possible, is it? We must look for the small things, things that are really the big things like the love you and Skipp have for one another. Can you imagine life without your loving and supportive husband...I cannot. I am thankful that you have him.
I'll be praying for a speedy recover from your injuries...
Love and Big Hug and Healing Prayers flying to You!
Love,
Kelly

Gail said...

HI CHICGEEK-KELLY, my favorite California girl...

thank you so much for coming to see me. And I am so thrilled and blessed to have Skipp by my side. We love and adore one another completely.
It has been a very rough wek - and this to shall pass.

Love to you my friend
Gail
peace, hope, and healing......

Souldose said...

Oh Gail get better sweetness

Gail said...

HI SOULDOSE

thanks SO much for visiting and wishing me well.....
Love Gail
peace, love and healing

Shen said...

Wow Gail... and ouch. The bruises speak to how bad the fall was.
Your clarity about why it has had the impact it has is really quite amazing, though. It is hard to feel helpless, to not have control. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much, but I'm really glad you have Skipp in your life to help you through it all.

Turquoise Diaries said...

I am so sorry.. I hope you are feeling much better right now..

Gail said...

HI SHEN-

thanks so much for your kindness and your immediate understanding of how it effected us. That means so much.
I rad your post about your CoDA retreat. I need time to process it all,,,wow you are SO brave.

Love to you my friend
Gail
peace, hope and healing

Gail said...

HI TURQUOISE DIARIES

so nice to see you and I truly appreciate your well wishes at this time of healing.

Love Gail
peace,hope and healing....