Tuesday, September 28, 2010

October is MY month

WARNING - ***Some sexual content towards the end*****


October - arrives every year.  For the most part I am thrilled by the ever-changing temperatures to cooler and dryer and all the vibrant spicy colors and the smells of wood fires and stews, soups, pies and flavored coffee.  It is a promising time of year.

And so too it is a time to reflect, honor truths and realize the power of a healing journey. Some of my biggest "it's" are in October - it is when the teacher first kept me after school and ________________, And it is the big session with the priest when he hurt me in the name of his drunken Jesus.  I can still feel the back of his hand across my face when I resisted him.  It was so awful. October holds many memories.  And I have a right to feel them, honor my truths and believe in the power of healing. For years I ran from myself and what happened with the teacher which brought me all the way to the priest.     After what he did to me it was the only time I ever wanted to die - because to live in the light of such truth was just too much.     But it wasn't too much.  I stood up and faced myself and screamed in the light of day my worst fears and memories until that which was killing me began to give me life.  My life - as it truly was, no hiding, no running, no escaping - no death wish - I was finally free - finally real - finally in the light and I have been ever since.  Hallelujah!

For years, in October I would intensify my escape with self harming behaviors.  Every feeling was numbed.  Every memory pushed deep inside - unreachable.  And now?  Every memory and feeling is available to me.  I choose how much thought and honor I want to give to my truths and in that I am empowered,  My "it's" no longer haunt me or have power over me - I cannot begin to tell you how truly life-giving truth is - regardless of the details - self truths in the light are purposeful and of great value, sources of strength and power - it is when I hid then that I was weakened and afraid and on the run from my self.  No more - Never again!! 

I will spend time in my brook this month, feeling the cool waters and muddy and rocky bed on my feet - I will remember everything.  I will cry and scream as I feel and remember the teacher penetrating me, the priest too, hurting me so much - his hands every where - the weight of their bodies on mine - me, hardly able to breathe ...... the surrender when I gave in to their force.  These are some of my "it's", forever..................

And also October 22nd - is when my Dad passed away. I miss him still. every day. And this month we start to remember what he did the last few weeks of his life. Me, my Mom and my Sister - we will re-live all the days. It is all quite bittersweet.

October is my month to emote. Not hide or cringe or fear but to stand up tall - lift my face to the sky in full truth and light and "be"...Amen.











30 comments:

PENolan said...

Blessed be

Children with out voices said...

Dear Gail,
Thank you for being here! I wrote those words as if my fingers had a mind of there own. When you commented on the blog I reread them and I cried, I cried for the little girl who I carry inside of me. When I read your comment and I felt your warmth and your love well still crying but good to have someone who understand to cry with.
I feel so bad for you as well, to betrayed by those who we are taught to respect and love is the greatest of betrayal.
I believe in miracles we met didn't me... wipes tears and whispers thank you!

Whitemist said...

Ah Gail, you not only survived, but lived and that makes a mockery of all they tried and did to you.
You not only survived and lived to tell about it, you became the victor - that it what i hear in your writings, they have no power over you.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

I'm so, so, so sorry, Gail...I will pray for your peace...My heart breaks for the little girl and the wonderful woman she became!!! Your strength and optimism in the face of such heartache is inspiring...but I wish it had never been so!!! Sending you love and hugs, Janine

Gail said...

HI PE NOLAN-TRISH

Blessed be, indeed. You are simply the best.
Love to you m friend, love to YOU.

Gail
peace and hope.....

Gail said...

DEAR CWOV-
]
My heart ached with and for you when Iread your cathartic w ords. I was with you, knowing. Annie, the kid in me, was holding on to you every second, as was I. ANnie and I are good we survived - we are integrated and strong and that little girl in me is my greatest source of strength. Does the little girl in you have a name??

Lo much more
Gail
peace and hope....

Gail said...

HI WHITEMIST-JOEY-
You are right, I am victorious and they have no power. i am in charge. I still cry some times but it is okay - I know I could collapse in your arms and that is a compliment to you and how I feel about you.
Love you man
Gail
pece and hope.....

Gail said...

HI SNIFFLES AND SMILES-JANINE

am at peace Janine, I am. I am empowered and okay. Me and Annie (my inner kid), we made it. I so appreciate your prayers and loving support. I/we are okay. I swear.

I love you'
Gail
peace and hope.....

Children with out voices said...

Hi Annie,
She doesn't have a name,no one see's her and no one hears her . They don't know she is crying, they cannot feel her pain. She is like a spirit in the wind, always grasping, sometimes furious and other times meek. She is filled with anger,she wants to know what she did wrong?
At times it feels like there are many personalities hiding within me. Some are stronger and some are week.
I can see the little girl running and playing, she likes butterflies and she always tries to catch one. I want to let her go free, because she is always afraid, free like a butterfly. Someone is coming so she runs and hides, she doesn't want anyone to see her cry,she needs to be strong.

Bernie said...

I remember reading about your October last year. How terrible to have to remember over and over again. I don't like the anniversary's of my parents, son, or husband's death but each year gets better to deal with them.
May this October be a bit easier for you/Annie and all your family who are missing your dad...big hugs from Canada my friend....:-)

Shen said...

Yes... I'm learning that I have to say it out loud, but first I have to admit to myself that it was really me those things happened to, really me and not just some little girl.

You make it sound wonderful... feeling it all. It's something I've always dreaded and yet when I read your post I realize that the half-life of denial is not what I want, anymore.

Thanks for sharing this... and I'm so sorry you had to live through those things. I'm in awe of your journey.

Diana said...

You and I love October so much Gail. I am only sorry that it has such bad memories for you. At least we have both learned not to let these memories dictate how are lives are to be lead. That makes us pretty freakin' awesome Gail!
Love Di ♥

Gail said...

HI DIANA-

Yes, October is a fascinating month. And I am empowered to feel all of my truths and I am filled with gratitude that I can. Happy Autumn to you.

Love Gail
peace and hope.....

Gail said...

HI SHEN-

Feeling it all is not about it feeling wonderful it is about feeling wonderful that I can feel. I was numb for so many years. The light of truth is way better. And I am in awe of your journey too my friend.


Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Gail said...

HI BERNIE-

I don't like the anniversaries of sad times either - but I am glad I can feel them and that I don't have to hide and deny. And as awful as these traumas are they are great sources of strength.
Love you my friend
Gail
Peace and hope.....

Gail said...

HI CWOV-
Oh my, I feel your pain and fer so intently. And I understand. Please keep seeing the little girl in you - keep her spirit alive for it, she are amazing and beautiful and so strong. Annie would love to meet her. And now from Annie:

hi. i see you and i know you. we are lots alike. dont be scared to come talk to me, i wont hurt you i promise i wont. i was hiding along time and now i am always outside and free and real. talk to me soon
l love you
Annie

Tramp said...

Gail
A very powerful and inspiring post. I feel honoured to know you.
...Tramp

Gail said...

HI TRAMP-

I am SO happy to see you here and I SO appreciate your kind words to me. How are you?

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

truewonder said...

Powerful. When we don't discount our feelings, when we acknowledge openly- it's as if a candle is passed from one to another in a dark room, all eyes on the light, all hearts made to feel open, accepted- whatever the story.
July is my month, my cry until you run dry month. It has been seven years since I lost the greatest joy I have ever known, July makes me sick and I do not deny it... but this year was different. I stepped into the cave that July has come to represent, although years ago I said I would never explore it fully...I didn't think I had to.

But for you, for me, for everyone that needs a navigation at times, well- I guess I'm just a fearful/fearless explorer. What I found this year, much to my surprise and absolute terror at taking the few steps in that I did...was something marvelous, miraculous maybe? I hiked to a place I had never been (in the real world too),on that anniversary-ugly day. Through the woods, up and up- terrified of heights I am, still I had to- and what I saw there, when I could go no more- rivaled my sadness. My aching memory.
I don't know if I'll go any further next year, though I do vow to take that uphill hike again and again, in July.
I came here by way of your comment you left on Sniffles and Smiles...it is good to recognize the truth in another.
(I also had a friend, then and now- kept inside and sometimes I called her out as she was a sharp shooter, and I needed that, then and now...Annie Oakley. My wonder was stolen from me too years back, but now, almost always- intact. I have never heard anyone speak about "it" as you do. For whatever reason, when ifs become is- I think those who tell, for the sake of all the little ones of stolen wonder- are very brave and become our very own sharp shooters killing dead the lies so that truth might be resurrected in time. (And this was very long, I apologize for that...my first time coming, but sometimes when prompted, I have more to say than I could have acknowledged on my own...so whew!) Thanks...take care-

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Just thinking of you!! Sending love, Janine XO

Gail said...

Dear TRUE WONDER-

I SO SO SO loved every word you wrote to me and I hold dear and precious your "it" - your July - and it's new found purpose and place in your life. I truly like the image of exploring the cave and from being brave and exploring the darkness a light shines for you and others. Oh yes. I have so much more to say to you. Perhaps if you take a moment to read my post titled "James-Daniel-Jill" and dated 9-4-08 you will understand the darkness and the long journey to the light of truth. I a so happy and honored to meet you and I will visit your place soon.

Loving you
Gail
peace an dhope for us all

Gail said...

HI JANINE-

I love that you stop by- love it. Happy Autumn.

Love Gail'
peace and hope.....

Cinner said...

Dear Gail, I too remember reading about all of this a year ago, and read every post about you. you are making a difference as you can see by some of the comments, you made a difference in my life...I treasure you you know that. I know you love October, may you be strong for yourself, your a fighter and your a believer in good things. hugs to my beautiful friend. call you after the weekend. hugs

Gail said...

HI CINNER-

I know you know and I know you "get me" and I am SO glad. I love you a lot girl - "hey"
Gail
peace and hope.....

Bernie said...

Thinking about your today my friend, hope your are enjoying beautiful Fall weather.....:-)Hugs

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

Dearest Gail,

How brilliant be your light dear Gail
For within you a loving heart does prevail
Pain and hurt and horror of days past
Yet within you a forgiveness is cast
Such splendor of Being you do share
Expressed with love such grace and care.

Thank you my dear friend.¸.✶*¨♥

Rose Marie

Gail said...

DEAR ROSEMARIE-

and to think that my life could ever be commented about in loving poetic style delights me in ways I never knew possible. "thank you" for knowing - believing - seeing-loving truth.

love to you you always

Gail
peace and hope

Gail said...

HELLO BERNIE

So good to see you Yes, I am good, all things considered - more than good. SKipp has been on vacation so everything is so much more fun and loving.
Hope you ar well
Love Gail
peace and hope.....

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Sniffles and Smiles said...

You are in my thoughts, dear Gail!!!! ~Janine XO