October is MY month

WARNING - ***Some sexual content towards the end*****


October - arrives every year.  For the most part I am thrilled by the ever-changing temperatures to cooler and dryer and all the vibrant spicy colors and the smells of wood fires and stews, soups, pies and flavored coffee.  It is a promising time of year.

And so too it is a time to reflect, honor truths and realize the power of a healing journey. Some of my biggest "it's" are in October - it is when the teacher first kept me after school and ________________, And it is the big session with the priest when he hurt me in the name of his drunken Jesus.  I can still feel the back of his hand across my face when I resisted him.  It was so awful. October holds many memories.  And I have a right to feel them, honor my truths and believe in the power of healing. For years I ran from myself and what happened with the teacher which brought me all the way to the priest.     After what he did to me it was the only time I ever wanted to die - because to live in the light of such truth was just too much.     But it wasn't too much.  I stood up and faced myself and screamed in the light of day my worst fears and memories until that which was killing me began to give me life.  My life - as it truly was, no hiding, no running, no escaping - no death wish - I was finally free - finally real - finally in the light and I have been ever since.  Hallelujah!

For years, in October I would intensify my escape with self harming behaviors.  Every feeling was numbed.  Every memory pushed deep inside - unreachable.  And now?  Every memory and feeling is available to me.  I choose how much thought and honor I want to give to my truths and in that I am empowered,  My "it's" no longer haunt me or have power over me - I cannot begin to tell you how truly life-giving truth is - regardless of the details - self truths in the light are purposeful and of great value, sources of strength and power - it is when I hid then that I was weakened and afraid and on the run from my self.  No more - Never again!! 

I will spend time in my brook this month, feeling the cool waters and muddy and rocky bed on my feet - I will remember everything.  I will cry and scream as I feel and remember the teacher penetrating me, the priest too, hurting me so much - his hands every where - the weight of their bodies on mine - me, hardly able to breathe ...... the surrender when I gave in to their force.  These are some of my "it's", forever..................

And also October 22nd - is when my Dad passed away. I miss him still. every day. And this month we start to remember what he did the last few weeks of his life. Me, my Mom and my Sister - we will re-live all the days. It is all quite bittersweet.

October is my month to emote. Not hide or cringe or fear but to stand up tall - lift my face to the sky in full truth and light and "be"...Amen.