I am burning with truth - like lava bubbling up from my soul. I choke it back down. I can't write a word of it. I do tell a couple of people, the whole truth, almost anyways. But not here - . I share the agony of my Mom's illness and the fear of Damien's enlarged heart - the joy in my home where music and laughter and peace abound. I shared of my past, tragic and life-changing and my journey to self love and the freedom that embracing one's truth brings - I wrote of the church and the priest(s) and being backhanded by the priest, I have written all that, haven't I? I have. I wrote of my children and I told you all my beliefs and values and faith. You all know my battles and you know how hard I fight and my surrenders too. Ah, but not all, no, not all of them - the one's that are shameful and harsh still - active in their destructive purpose around me - oh no, those I hide. Those I carry heavily - a burden that is un-speakable. Un-writable.
Amidst our blogs with rivers and flower gardens. loving pets and adorable kids, paintings and poetry, recipes and crafts, vacations and walks, meals and celebrations, births and deaths, fears and hopes, dreams and passions, love and sorrow, family and friends, quotes and videos, music and frogs, all of it passionately true - inspiring - real - emotional - promising - brave - honest - fearless - courageous - strong - sad - joyous - stunning - challenging - soothing - and yet, much is lost, missing - simply not told. I cannot tell you what is burning within me.
Are all of you, any of you such that your life does not insist on privacy? Is that a good thing? A not so good thing? Does that speak to the greatness of this forum or the lacking in this forum. I feel false, fake in my privacy - my choice to write about only that which is palatable. Who am I to you if I censor my truths? How do I see myself in your eyes and hearts? On the one hand I feel so loved and so understood - but is that because I give you truths that are lovable and censor the unspeakable? What if we all told everything - all of it - what if huh?
Until then I am still me - all that I have told you is truth - I am secure in that and equally confident that this forum is limiting, limited in it's presentation. Good thing, huh? An old X-friend of mine always said - "Nobody really wants to hear the truth!!!"
23 comments:
In my opinion, one of the chief problems with "truth" is that it's wholly subjective. If ten people witness an event, you would be told 10 different versions of the truth of the situation!
Even in our own individual lives, what I believe is true this very moment may be totally different from what I believe tomorrow.
Further, we can view something as true on one level, but not true on another. Sometimes we feel as if we're not sharing truth when, in actuality, all we may not be sharing is our feelings which may or may not truly reflect the facts of a given situation.
HI RT
"thank you" so much for your honest reflections. your truths about truth are the truth!! :-)
Love you
Gail
peace and hope.....
It feels like you are condemning yourself for being circumspect, for having appropriate boundaries, for having impulse control. Yes, sometimes it would feel good for any of us to spill all our agonies, longings, frailties, limitations, omissions and commissions here - however - in terms of interpersonal appropriateness that would be divulgent. Better to be appropriately disclosing rather than inappropriately divulgent.
We have to respect peoples' sensibilities and though we seem to form quick, tight bonds in this virtual world - we still need to remember the illusive nature of those connections, our right to protect ourself, others' rights to protect themselves.
It seems to be a fundamental (god-given if you will) right to keep our own counsel, to know that others cannot read our thoughts, to know we have the freedom to choose what we will reveal and what we don't.
It seems to me, as well, that there is an unwritten norm in this virtual world about how far to go with our disclosures. People are not comfortable with too much disclosure, too fast, too intimate. If we find that we need to do that, we need to perhaps delay the gratification we might feel in the moment by revealing all, and instead turn to those in our real life whose friendship and loyalty have invited such revelations.
Yes, this medium has its limits - and perhaps that is a good thing. As you say, we are all operating with the same need to present our best face and with the need to not be exposed to more than we can bear here.
HI BONNIE-
I agree with you 100%. Thank you for re-stating my post so eloquently and supportively with total understanding of what I was saying. Wow.
Again, "thank you" and to anyone else who reads this post and wonders what why etc just read Bonnie's comment. She is "spot on".
Love to you Bonnie
Gail
[ece and hope......
Gail - i no longer know what is not shared, cause i write from deep in my heart.
I do not try to vilify people in writing, but some times my heart does.
I do not feel hidden any more.
I do not think you are either - you show your heart, that is a gift!
peace.
You are so right. Im going to think about this some more... and come back.
HI SHEN-
I look forwawrd to your return
HI WHITEMIST-
Yes, you are right, I do share my heart. :-)
Love you both
Gail
peace and hope.....
Gail
Very thought provoking.
As a relative newcomer to blogging I ask myself why people blog and indeed why I blog.
The nature of blogging is different from other forms of communication in several ways, one being how much you reveal or hide of yourself.
I think most of us are experimenting in what we do, experimenting in 2 ways. Firstly we are looking for reaction of some sort to what we produce. Secondly we are experimenting with ourselves, what effect will what I produce (and the reactions) have on me.
When I've thought it through a bit more I hope to write an entry (and see what reaction I get)...Tramp
Gail, I too write with my heart full of love and honesty. If I can't speak the truth why waste my energy.....I do have private thoughts and personal issues like most that I chose not to share, only because in my mind it would give these issues more life and be of help to no one, not even me. I gave up trying to be perfect many years ago, and am content being the way I am and accept my family and friends just as they are.I believe there are certain things that should be kept between only those involved. Love you.......:-) Hugs
He is a toad, thank you very much!
I don't know Gail, I think truth in blogging is just a matter of choice really. I know many bloggers that wouldn't dream of sharing anything bad that has happened or that they have done, lest it ruin there "sweet" reputation. Or perhaps they just like to forget the past?
As you know I have been very truthful on my blog at times, but when I am, I do it for me. I really don't think that a lot of people want to hear about the bad things from my past. And when I do post them, it is almost always, for me. After all a blog really is supposed to be a journal of sorts. At least thats what blogging started out to be!
I don't know that I would blog about a lot of my past. To me that is just what it is , the past. A lot of it I would much rather forget! But you can email me anytime and ask me anything as I really do consider you a good friend! Love Di ♥
Hey Gail - we're all always walking a fine line between what we really feel and what's okay to say even when we're talking with family in our own living rooms. And besides, what may be true today isn't always true by the time next week gets here.
In my blog I try to use actual events to illustrate larger points - but only as much of the "reality" goes on line as necessary to illustrate the point. Many things go unsaid online - and rightly so.
Some things should not be shared. Some things are yours and only yours. At least that is the way I feel about it.
I love seeing your heart. I write from the heart too...It's the only way I know how. At this time in your life your are REALLY feeling.
Peace and Love to you,
Lisa
HI LISA-
Thank you for your honest rep[ly. And yes, some things should not be shared. I do give and write from my heart and this time of my life is very emotional, as you knmow.
HI TRISH-
Exactly, the line. Yup. And I love how you use real issues to make your points. And also it is so true that even in our own living rooms with family and friends we discern. You are was cool Texas.
HI DIANA-
I adore your toad, Mr Toad. I love the relationship alot. And I know you have shared some from your past and each time I feel closer to you. And I also know I can email you and tell you anything. :-) You are the best.
HI BERNIE-
I feel your heart and love in all that you write. I so appreciate and love how accepting you are of yourself and others. It makes for a peaceful world. You are precious.
HI TRAMP
I so like how you think and how you write about hw you think. And yes, blogging, and how we each blog is an experiment in action and reaction. Live and lean, huh?:-)
Love to you all
Gail
peace and hope.....
Hi Gail,
I think you are struggling, just like me to be exactly who you are...your thoughts, your emotions, your beliefs...it has really nothing to do with any one else's truth but your own.
We are all trying to fit in and conform. I wonder what would happen if we all just said and admitted what we were really thinking? What would happen if we began being exactly who we are? But then, do we even know ourselves? Who we are? Or given the right circumstances and situations what we could be capable of?
I know what you mean about truth, I have it screaming inside me to get out...there are things I want to say so badly to those around me, but instead I turn to God in prayer, and to my 'personal journal' where I am learning to filter my thoughts through "God's Truth", not my own, nor the truth of the world around me.
(((HUGS))) T
HI TERESA-
Your wise and loving words helped me so much. "thank you". Everythning you wrote rings true. Wow.
Love and appreciation
Gail
peace and hope.....
HI Gail,
As you may have seen I put a link to this post on my last blog post.
Truth and Omission - what a thick file I could write on that. I keep going over it in my head. I always thought I was very honest, sort of an open book. It makes me laugh to think of it now. While I never told lies, I also never told anything about who I really was or what was going on inside me. I was like a plastic cut-out of myself, smiling, happy, perfect life, perfect weight, perfect hair, perfect outfit for every occasion...
It's really rather sickening. Now when I see people like that I feel bad for them. So many people don't even realize that by not sharing their true selves they are really not living. Ommitting truths is just as bad as lying - and it is unfortunately necessary at times, but certainly not ALL the time.
When I had children, I became very honest with them. They really do know me. It has been a stretch to move that to other people and I've really only tried in the last three years.
as I said, great post.
HI SHEN
First, thanks for the link on your post. WOW@!!
And ya, I too am honest - of course not everyone can know everything - I discern.
My kids know me too, it's good to say that.
Love to you
Gail
peace and hppe.
I am nursing inflamed knee and it is very painful. ouch.
I think the unstated truth you speak of is natural, we don't share everything with everyone.
There are so many themes for the many blogs one visits. I know they don't fully represent someone's life, we all have different reasons anyway for starting our blogs, some need to be heard or have a need to write, I just think of it as a family memento that will be here after I'm gone, and started it while recuperationg from a broken ankle, but I don't feel the need to post that my 17 year old g/daughter had her license suspended for 30 days for speeding. That's her privacy I'm intruding on, so I blog about the birds and the bees.
This forum can be used in anyway one chooses to use it, we just have different goals and those goals can change sometimes.
I don't think you should feel fake in your privacy, Gail...the truths you share here freely are enough for one to know you and love you for that part of you!
♥...Wanda
Gail, you always write and speak with your heart. I am certain we all have things we keep to ourselves...I too could speak of my past mistakes, they helped make me whom I am today. I think I write honest, what I have found is that when one is so isolated at home friendships form on here and trust, similarities, and all not be told at once. I do try to focus on the positive as much as I can, we all have stuff that we need to declutter from our minds. It was like the death of my Dad, I could not write that I cried every day for about a year, but I can tell you. I don't know if I am making any sense at all, I have insomnia again, the dr said I would for about 5 days while they changed my meds...it is only day 4....you know I think of you every day and your in my prayers. I loved this post, really gets us thinking..please take care of your knee my friend, one of these days I will be calling again. hugs to you.
HI CINNER_
thank you SO much for oyur love and understanding and wisdom. your words about this helped me so much and I am so honored that you trust me.
HI WANDA-
your words too are sohelpful and mean so much to me. I love how you explained about blog themes and purpose and intent. It all is becoming clearer as I rd all these amazing and thoughtful comments.
Love to you both
Gail
peace and hope
p.s. I am nursing an inflamed knee and it is SO Painful. I banged it a week ago and didn't think too much of it. As the numbness and tingling increased I thought it was the heat and humidity but by Friday the pain in my knee became unbearable. I am on Advil, ice and elevation umtil I can get in to the doctor on Monday - meanwhile I am just miserable. sigh.......
So sorry about your knee. Hope it's feeling better.
HI SHEN-
thanks, me too!! :-)
Love you
Gail
peace and hope.....
HI MARIA-
I am glad you stopped by and that you like my blog. :-) I will go and visit you soon.
Love Gail
peace and hope.....
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