Friday, July 23, 2010

Hands

As the meaning of this "shift" unfolds I find myself filled with emotions that overflow - I gave in to an angered painful outburst and then quiet salty tears with a drowning weakness that pulled me to my knees. I yelled to the heavens with clenched fists and so too I bowed to the floor in prayer, hands folded in quiet desperation and hope - waiting for understanding.



This song is so fitting, don't ya think? And so this day I am grieving over endings and preparing for beginnings. The preparation is nothing more that being open to what awaits -

When I saw the word "forbidden" on my work email account I burst in to tears. As much as I knew it was coming, that word I found to be so harsh - I felt like the enemy or the criminal or the outcast. When my doctor wrote "In order to manager symptoms Gail cannot perform her job - no authorization to return to work - nor do I anticipate there will be" !!!!! Oh my.......and so the information went to my employer and a chain of events unfolded like a bumpy roller coaster ride. Prior to this, I was holding on to a big "if". "If" my MS got better so I could manage the symptoms so I could work part time. After a year my doctor finally said, "it is time to let go - this is as good as it is going to get"!!!

First my email was terminated (forbidden), then a status change form was completed -'unable to work due to illness - no authorization to return'. And that was it - over a decade of active service/ministry ended yesterday. A few sentences, a few strokes of a pen, one form and it was over. Painless actually but oh so painful - I am filled with grief.

But not for long - I have earned this grief - and so I will give in to it - just long enough to be done with it. This atop my MS set back and my Mom's serious illness is overwhelming but I have learned that we cannot choose the timing of some of our "shifts" - they happen, regardless of what else is going on. Phew...... These days, I cry at the drop of a hat, I rage over the smallest injustice, I stammer and yell and question - I surrender and pray quietly - silently - my hands reach up open to receive - at times they are folded, sometimes they are across my heart - sometimes my hands are holding my head - some times they lay limp at my side or in my lap so unsure. But like I said, not for long.....................

I love you all and need you all...........

Love Gail
peace........

(I deleted my formatted signature, again - geesh)











22 comments:

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

YES, Dearest Gail - Hands speaking to each of us this day. This is a most beautiful offering, both your heartfelt words and shared video. Thank you... You are embraced dear friend...

HANDS
H - Helping of ourselves and others
A - Always to reach to aspire
N - Need ever the giving, the receiving
D - Dedication to life and quest
S - Spirit the possession of SELF.


Love and healing brought on to you,

Rose Marie

The Rambling Taoist said...

It's good that you are able to let the emotion out. It's far better to allow the feelings to burst forth in their rawness than to hold them in; that only leads to a festering soul!

By allowing them to gush out like a torrent of flood waters, they will sweep away from you. In time, your countenance will more easily find placid waters.

Diana said...

I can clearly see that you are sad about the recent events Gail. You know that I am always honest with you right? So some may think that what I am going to say sounds unthoughtful. But here goes...
When I read your post I somehow couldn't help but feel an excitement of sorts. I couldn't feel sadness. Oh I feel sadness for your physical pain and your mothers failing health but all that went through my mind was, a new beginning. I just felt this overwhelming feeling of a new chapter in your life, and it was a good feeling Gail. I pray that what I felt was right.
Love Di ♥

Wanda..... said...

I feel for what you are going through at the moment Gail, any major change thrust upon us can cause great mental anguish.

I had a major shift in my life 23 years ago and it seemed impossible to deal with, but it actually shaped my life for the best.

I only hope your MS settles back and you find relief from the pain and that your mom stabilizes.

Take care Gail and try your best to destress and mentally relax.
♥...Wanda

Gail said...

HI DIANA-

Your words to me were not unkind at all. I actually agree whch is why I wrote of 'new beginnings/chapters I am heading towards. I eed to heal more so I can see where I am headed - going - pursuing - all in time.

HI R T

yes, raw eotion indeed - nothing hidden - it feels good to "be" present in these moments. And I know that peaceful waters are ahead.

HI ROSE MARIE-

Hands, yes, reaching out and holding on. Thank you for your deep expressions and shared wisdom and love.


Love to you all
Gail
peace and hope......

Gail said...

HI WANDA-

thank you for your understanding and shared hope. I will settle in to the new chapter and continue to heal.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Cinner said...

Gail, oh I just want to give you a hug. You know I can so relate to this. 7 years ago in July was when I got my note, and I think in a way we lose some of our hope, but you my friend were you long before your work, and are you long, long after it. As hard as it is now to face this, I think you will see some good come out of this as in a way you reinvent yourself. Even in your blog you have done good work. You helped me with a major issue, you share your heart and your soul. As you are right now today, you are more than enough, more than your job...Some people never get a chance to test other waters, and some of us like you and I, the decision was made for us. If God is all knowing keep the faith. you know I love you. a huge huge hug and prayers being sent your way.

Gail said...

HI CINNER-

you are wonderful... thank you so much. ya, I am keeping the faith - wading through the murky surrender to get to the light of new beginnings - all in time. And I know you know girl - I love you and I need you
gail
peace and hope.....

Bernie said...

Oh sweetie, life can be overwhelming at times.... I am so sorry but I also know that you can and will deal with this time of your life......no one likes change but that is way of life.
Be gentle to yourself, leave your heart open to all things and maybe just maybe you will love this change after all. Sending you big hugs........;-)

CordieB said...

Oh Gail. This is so heart breaking to read. I am in prayer for you and with you, dearest sister of spirit. My hands are upreached for you and my candle is lit. Continue to share your light and your truths!

Peace, Light and Love,
C.

Gail said...

HI CORDIEB -
It is so good to see you - it has been a while and I have missed you 'sister'. I so appreciate the candle and the love and the prayers - I am slowly surrendering and embracing my truth - my reality - as new light appears on the horizon I will once again see the way


HI BERNIE-

Oh how I Love your warm wisdom and uplifting encouragement. Yes, I am open to all things as I embrace this time of change and surrender to a new way.

Love to you both
Gail
peace and hope......

Just Be Real said...

Gail sending you BIG (((((Gail))))! Appreciate you sharing in this post what is going on. Still, want to thank you for your encouragement to me as well. Blessing dear one!

Finding Pam said...

I can feel your angst and pain. I pray that God will open another door in your life to serve him.

Just know that you are such a blessing to me and you are an inspiration to all that read your blog.

Letting go was really hard for me and leaving a job you love because of an illness is difficult at best.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Love and peace,
Pam

Gail said...

HI PAM-

thanks so much for coming to see me and for your kind understanding. It is all quite difficult - and this too shall pass. Amen

HI JBR-

thanks SO much for the (((((hugs)))) and the appreciation :-)

Love to you both
Gail
peace and hope.....

Tamarind~ said...

I have no words at this point. I have heart of full of prayers for you. I see you, through these words. Keep writing.. let it make you feel lighter.

Prayers~

Gail said...

HI TAMARIND-
I am so happy you came by. :-) And I so appreciate your understanding words and kindness. I will keep writing.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Mark said...

Endings and beginnings ... that is what this journey is all about. There is nothing permanent in this journey except of who we are. My thoughts and love are with you as you work through the process of change and letting go and moving on.

Gail said...

Mark-

You are so wise, so kind so appreciated.

love gail
peace and hope.....

SE'LAH... said...

Hi Gail,

Just wanted to say that I am the one who is grateful to have wonderful souls like you touching my life.

Great video here. Sending lots of love and healing vibes your way.

one love.

Gail said...

HI SE'LAH-

"thank you for coming by - your loving spirit and beautiful soul shine love where-ever you go.

Love gail
peace and hope.....

Tramp said...

I'm very tired this evening after returning from a trip to the UK with son and grandson.
So many memories back there for me but thinking of the youngsters future as well means I have so much swirling around in my head it's hard to catch up with blogging but I must just write a note. I found this a moving entry, hands are so expressive and there is a lot you need to express.
I listen, Gail.
...Tramp

Gail said...

TRAMP-

Your trip, although exhausting I know was purposeful. t is wonderful when we can travel with our children and grandchildren.

And Tramp? I know you listen and yo hear - and that means SO much to me and to all whose lives touch yours.

Love Gail
peace and hope.....