Hands

As the meaning of this "shift" unfolds I find myself filled with emotions that overflow - I gave in to an angered painful outburst and then quiet salty tears with a drowning weakness that pulled me to my knees. I yelled to the heavens with clenched fists and so too I bowed to the floor in prayer, hands folded in quiet desperation and hope - waiting for understanding.



This song is so fitting, don't ya think? And so this day I am grieving over endings and preparing for beginnings. The preparation is nothing more that being open to what awaits -

When I saw the word "forbidden" on my work email account I burst in to tears. As much as I knew it was coming, that word I found to be so harsh - I felt like the enemy or the criminal or the outcast. When my doctor wrote "In order to manager symptoms Gail cannot perform her job - no authorization to return to work - nor do I anticipate there will be" !!!!! Oh my.......and so the information went to my employer and a chain of events unfolded like a bumpy roller coaster ride. Prior to this, I was holding on to a big "if". "If" my MS got better so I could manage the symptoms so I could work part time. After a year my doctor finally said, "it is time to let go - this is as good as it is going to get"!!!

First my email was terminated (forbidden), then a status change form was completed -'unable to work due to illness - no authorization to return'. And that was it - over a decade of active service/ministry ended yesterday. A few sentences, a few strokes of a pen, one form and it was over. Painless actually but oh so painful - I am filled with grief.

But not for long - I have earned this grief - and so I will give in to it - just long enough to be done with it. This atop my MS set back and my Mom's serious illness is overwhelming but I have learned that we cannot choose the timing of some of our "shifts" - they happen, regardless of what else is going on. Phew...... These days, I cry at the drop of a hat, I rage over the smallest injustice, I stammer and yell and question - I surrender and pray quietly - silently - my hands reach up open to receive - at times they are folded, sometimes they are across my heart - sometimes my hands are holding my head - some times they lay limp at my side or in my lap so unsure. But like I said, not for long.....................

I love you all and need you all...........

Love Gail
peace........

(I deleted my formatted signature, again - geesh)