ICK

I visited with Nancy yesterday, :-) , my Mom too. :-) She liked the fruit and the flowers and other stuff I brought. Jen drove me - it was good to be with her too. I am feeling a bit sad and lonely and scared even. Ick.

The possibilities, outcomes are so 'in my face'....listening to my Sis talk about what she went through and what she is afraid of and why penetrated me like broken glass. I still feel its raw edges in my heart. It is not often that I am uncomfortable in my own skin, well, not for a long time anyway, there was a time when I was always uncomfortable in my own skin - today is one of those rare days. Certainly stirs up a lot of sludge. Ick.

I spent some time on the Wll Fit Balance board doing my routine. I was quite distracted - not really in to it today. My virtual trainer told me my balance was way off and my right side is weak and the board groaned when I stepped on it. Ick.

Then I decided to transfer the information from my old address book in to my new one that Skipp gave me for Christmas. It is a really nice one with hopeful quotes and pretty pictures and so forth. :-) As I was transferring information I realized how things have changed - some people have died, another is no longer in my life for other reasons so this task was anything but uplifting. Ick.

I am wearing my lovely new lounging outfit Skipp gave me for Christmas - it is lavender and gray, lite flannel, and so soft and snugly on this snowy day. I put on some make up and fussed with my hair a bit and did some other "girlie" things to make myself feel pretty. I looked in the mirror and I see worry, and wear, sad eyes and a frown. Ick.

And, I wrote to a dear friend - as something transpired that has weighed heavy on me for a couple of weeks. The details are not important but the fact that the wonder and concern didn't just go away is. So I wrote, a long email, that I wrote and re-wrote and adjusted to be sure every word was written with love. I sent it at eight last night, and nothing has come back. I am really struggling with waiting. It feels awful. What was I thinking, during an already difficult time, to add this concern to myself??? HUGE ICK!!!!


I guess I thought if I got a quick answer that the wonders/concerns about what transpired between us would then be alleviated. I learned not to take a risk when I am so fragile. Good Lord and Ick.

I need a tangible Pied Piper, I think - other than Skipp or God or the sun or the universe, blah, blah, blah. I need to 'Step-In-Line' and stop tripping. And definitely stop saying/writing "Ick".