Friday, January 8, 2010

ICK

I visited with Nancy yesterday, :-) , my Mom too. :-) She liked the fruit and the flowers and other stuff I brought. Jen drove me - it was good to be with her too. I am feeling a bit sad and lonely and scared even. Ick.

The possibilities, outcomes are so 'in my face'....listening to my Sis talk about what she went through and what she is afraid of and why penetrated me like broken glass. I still feel its raw edges in my heart. It is not often that I am uncomfortable in my own skin, well, not for a long time anyway, there was a time when I was always uncomfortable in my own skin - today is one of those rare days. Certainly stirs up a lot of sludge. Ick.

I spent some time on the Wll Fit Balance board doing my routine. I was quite distracted - not really in to it today. My virtual trainer told me my balance was way off and my right side is weak and the board groaned when I stepped on it. Ick.

Then I decided to transfer the information from my old address book in to my new one that Skipp gave me for Christmas. It is a really nice one with hopeful quotes and pretty pictures and so forth. :-) As I was transferring information I realized how things have changed - some people have died, another is no longer in my life for other reasons so this task was anything but uplifting. Ick.

I am wearing my lovely new lounging outfit Skipp gave me for Christmas - it is lavender and gray, lite flannel, and so soft and snugly on this snowy day. I put on some make up and fussed with my hair a bit and did some other "girlie" things to make myself feel pretty. I looked in the mirror and I see worry, and wear, sad eyes and a frown. Ick.

And, I wrote to a dear friend - as something transpired that has weighed heavy on me for a couple of weeks. The details are not important but the fact that the wonder and concern didn't just go away is. So I wrote, a long email, that I wrote and re-wrote and adjusted to be sure every word was written with love. I sent it at eight last night, and nothing has come back. I am really struggling with waiting. It feels awful. What was I thinking, during an already difficult time, to add this concern to myself??? HUGE ICK!!!!


I guess I thought if I got a quick answer that the wonders/concerns about what transpired between us would then be alleviated. I learned not to take a risk when I am so fragile. Good Lord and Ick.

I need a tangible Pied Piper, I think - other than Skipp or God or the sun or the universe, blah, blah, blah. I need to 'Step-In-Line' and stop tripping. And definitely stop saying/writing "Ick".




















20 comments:

The-Grizzled-But-Still-Incorrigible-Scribe-Himself! said...

Some days are just filled with icks. It isn't you, isn't your attitude, something you did or didn't do, something you're doing wrong, something you earned or deserve, isn't the way you look or what you had for breakfast.

It's just an ick day. Like a day of the week…Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Ickday.

I look at them the way I do that sound you hear when you get to the bottom of a genuine, well-made, chocolate malt. (Not a milkshake; 'tain't the same thing!) You know, that dry sucking sound. Ickkkkkk! The bad part is, well, that ick sound; the good part is, you can—and will—always have another chocolate malt.

Today is one of your ick days. The bottom of the malt. Tomorrow, though…new malt, new day. You just have to get through one to enjoy the other.

Hang in there!

Bernie said...

Oh sweetie I could feel your unease in this post and I am so sorry you feel this way. Just remember this too shall pass and all will be right with the world again, you will know this has happened when you are comfortable in your own skin again, it won't be long as all of your blogging friends will be praying very hard for you.
Enjoy your soft lounging suit, and stay warm in this bad weather knowing your are cared for and loved.......:-) Hugs

Whitemist said...

Ick - a disgusting disease fish get, yiu are not a fish!
No more ick for you.
It is snowing,
it is cold,
I do not like it, but it is lovely.
My dog does not want me to write,
he wants to snuggle,
his nose is cold, he makes me laugh.
My mind has been fried,
but my heart came back.
my mind came back and joined with my heart, that is lovely!
There are ore things lovely in the world than there are ick...
keep looking for the lovelies.
Peace.

Gail said...

HI WHITEMIST-JOEY

I know there are lovelies everywhere - yup, I know. :-) and I know because YOU are one of them. "Thank you" for your continued inspiration to heal.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

OH BERNIE BERNIE BERNIE-

"thank you" so much for your love and hugs and warmth and true understanding of my 'ick' day. I feel your healing energy and it is wonderful just like you.

Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI GRIZZ-

"THANK YOU" so much for reminding me it is okay to have an ick day, and for comparing it to the bottom of a malted - I got the comparison immediately. :-) And Grizz? thanks for being a "Pied Piper', one of the best.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Choices said...

Gail,
Some days are just Icky days. As the saying goes," The sun will come out Tomorrow!" A new day and hopefully a better feeling.
I wish you a sunny day tomorrow.
Lots of smiles coming your way,
Take care.

Gail said...

HI CHOICES-ANNE

Thanks so much for your kindness and support - and I know, this too shall pass. :-)

Love Gail
peace.....

Eileen said...

Oh, Gail, I need my own personal Pied Piper too!

I'm sorry things are so out of sorts for you, and I fully understand! A day when not only the big dreadful problems weigh on your heart, but a day when nothing seems right!
Ick is right.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
And I know everyone is right about keeping a positive attitude, but sometimes it's hard to get the positive to bubble atop all the negative.
Well, I'm just going to look for one positive thing each day to savor, and if I can't find anything good in each day, I'm going to go in search of it by pulling up a happy past!

It's hard though to even be grateful for your Blessings sometimes because it almost feels greedy when you see others are suffering so. It's not that I'm not grateful, seriously, my cup runneth over, but it feels gluttonous to me to count my Blessings in the face of another's heartache. I know that sounds crazy, but that's the way my mind works!

I hope tomorrow brings joy to your heart.
I know sad is being heaped on top of sad right now, I read your comment to me and I know you must feel like you are suffocating under the strain of it all. I've had a few days like that myself where you feel that you just can't get out from under.
Keep climbing, and we'll keep pushing you up.
Love to you,
Eileen

Wanda said...

Hi Gail...first of all...it can be a tramatic thing, transferring info from one address book to another...I had an ickday this past summer doing just that. The realization of so many who were no longer with us was a little hard to take. So that in itself is enough to bring on the icks.
So just pik up those icks and cast them aside, tomorrow will be better!
Wanda

Gail said...

HI EILEEN-

thanks SO much for your understanding and kindness to me, especially today when I have a case of the "icks". Thanks too for your prayers and for just knowing that sometimes things weigh heavy and blessings seem out of reach. aEven though they are not, I know. sigh......
We all need a Pied Piper' some days.

Love to you
Gail
peace......

Gail said...

Hi Wanda-

Ya, the address book thing was a real bummer, my goodness. I forgot to mention that a few new names got added too. :-) I am already staying to turn the corner away from the "icks" :-)''
Love to you this cold January night
Gail
peace......

cinner said...

Hi Gail, I am sorry your feeling ick, and I am sure you look more beautiful than you feel. As for your wii fitt, I would have kicked it when it groaned! Your entitled to have days like this, where the world seems piled on your shoulders, tomorrow will be a better day, it is hard when things happen and you are scared and worried, if you felt all glamorous and happy, then we might have to talk. lol. I do understand aboout the address book...I am having a problem with my dads name being programmed in my phones data base for the number...I just can not get myself to erase it yet. I think after a while you might feel more at ease with what Nancy has gone through, and so yourself as well because of the closeness. You just hang on and know that you are loved and that we are praying for many blessings to be sent your way.
Some may wish you happiness, some may wish you wealth, all I wish for you is what you wish for yourself///I don't know who said that but I have always liked it... I hope you are all comfy in your outfit, covered in a blanket, listening to some music and know it will be okay. love to you my friend....By the way when I talked to you, your voice and your laugh lit up my world, and I can still hear it today. Big hugs.

Teacher's Pet said...

Gail...as I read your blog, I could feel that you were having/had one of 'those days'...and I'm so very sorry.
My heart really tugged when you wrote that you e-mailed someone and he/she didn't respond as of the time you wrote your blog about "Ick"...and you are concerned about that. It sounds like you have a sensitive and caring heart...and I do hope that whoever you wrote will contact you and set your mind at ease. I don't know you, but from what I've read on your blog, I can't imagine your intentionally hurting anyone's feelings. You seem like such a sweet and loving person. Don't be too hard on yourself...and also think about the possibilities of why that person hasn't written you back...so many things can happen to keep one from e-mailing or responding right away. Hold onto that...and also hold onto the fact that 99.9% of what we worry about never happens. :))
Many smiles to you, Gail.
Jackie

Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Gail,

I just wrote you a reply and then my comp lost connection and I lost the whole thing. :(

What I tried to write was that I was reading your words and listening for the shifts in tone... the subtle tonal differences between icks. Icks that felt as thought they ranged from a sore place in your throat, to icks from a deep, deep, deep aching place in your gut.

I so much hope you are feeling a litle bit better today but also know that feeling your sister's pain so profoundly takes its toll and can leave you, at best, battling with world weariness and a sadness which seems far from anything Skipp or God or anyone/thing could touch.

I know you still see all that's beautiful. The snow, creation, those you love...

I know you will survive and come out shining.

But I know that right now, your icks are making you feel tired and tarnished.

Listening with love, Gail.

You are very much in my thoughts.

x

Gail said...

HI WINDERINGSOUL-

Oh my how I love and appreciate your truly sensitive, wise, loving and caring words to me. You are amazing. And yes, you are so intuitive to know that the "icks" have shifts and tones of intensity -
and yes, I do see the beauty still -
My sister is strong - very strong. She may be weakened but she is strong. And your words, - "listening with love". I know of no greater gift. "Thank you" my friend, my wise and brave friend.

Love Gail
peace......

Gail said...

HI JACKIE-

"thank you" so much for your encouragement and loving support and understanding. And my friend that emailed called me and we spoke, heart to heart, and it was wonderful and she thanked 'me' for teaching er about friendship. Our hearts spiled over with love and forgiveness, and I felt so relieved. ANd you are so right Jackie that I wouldnever ever intentionally hurt some ones feelings, no way.

ANd I get the feeling the same is true of you. :-)

Love to you
Gail
peace......

Gail said...

HI CIN - "hey"

"oh my, "thank you" Cin, "thank you".
And I thought I ws kinda crazy to feel as I did about the new address book, and first Wanda commented and said she felt the same way and now you are sharing about your Dad's contact info and how hard it is to delete it. I feel a bit more normal. I guess that is why sharing is so important because we don't feel so alone inour thoughts and actions and feelings. phew. And for my sister's son that died,

I put his name in the book still and for his address I write
"Heaven"
and his phone number is

1-800-LOVEYOU, and his email is

cjkelly@skynet.com

I swear I do. :-) try making up some stuff for you Dad, it made me feel good to do it.

and when you wrote that my voice and my laugh lit up your world!!! I yelped with joy,like a happy puppy. :-)

I love you girl
Gail
peace....

giggles said...

Sorry for your ick day... this tooo shall pass, I believe....

About the e-mail to your friend:
I don't know if another has said this to you or not, but this I know is true..... If you never hear another word, of if you hear negative from this person, please know this: You've done your best, with love in your heart. If this person chooses to not respond or respond negatively, or even try to engage you in an ugly back and forth of any kind? It is THEIR issue.... It is their problem. It is personal for him/her...not you. Don't take it too personally....

Gail said...

Hi GIGGLES-

thanks SO much for your kind support and wisdom. As I wrote to 'Teacher's Pet-Jackie', she did call me and we spoke heart to heart and cried and explored and cleared it all up - it was wonderful. :-)
She is so precious to me and I am to here too. Cool huh?
Give a big hug to your kids and an extra "ataboy" to thje one who hid the boots.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....