Sunday, September 20, 2009
My Mom and I had a wonderful afternoon. Above and to the left is Gator Creek - a quaint local farmers market. My Mom loves to go there and buy fruit and corn and pies. That's her just above and a bit to the left, bag in hand. On top and to the right above is the Clinton Marina - just down the street from where my Mom lives in her 'in-law' apartment attached so nicely to my sister's home and nestled in a country setting.
The water is so peaceful and she loves going and so we went. We sat and spoke gently and lovingly while breathing in the salt air and being calmed by the smooth water's surface and the breeze on our faces. The sun was glorious. I love her beyond expression and she loves me too. She always says I am "a breath of fresh air topped with a ray of sunshine'. How nice is that? And my Mom is a pillar of faith and hope, love and wisdom topped with a delightful sense of humor and all of which I hold oh so dear.
I went to visit last week too and we went to Gator Creek then, as well. It was different last week for many reasons. I am changing, transforming and last week was the end of a type of metamorphosis where I finally squeezed out of my protective cocoon and have begun to fly again. I had retreated in to my limits and to where I felt safe for several months, avoiding face to face human contact in public places as much as possible. I know why too. I feel the most normal at home and with those who know me well and love me. I am barely aware of my limits at home - and very aware the moment I step out my door. I have been transforming so I can feel normal despite the limits and celebrate my freedoms more fully. I must confess I have not been doing that. I have been hiding as best I can. I will tell you that yesterday when I chose to move through my fear of being in public and possibly meeting up with people I know that haven't seen me in a while and they see me with my rollator??!! I am so unable to tell them the truth when they ask what happened!. I have created a couple of elaborate stories to "explain" who I am walking with a rollator or a cane. My favorite is that I tore a nerve while hiking in the woods with my dog. Ya. that's a good one. Good Lord!! I don't expect you to understand this, some of you may, some not - and if you don't or can't please don't tell me how wrong I am for my feeling this way - or why I shouldn't hide my truth - I know this! This is part of the transformation journey/process to surrender, to truth and claiming my truth with resilience, dignity, confidence and pride. And for the record, it can be difficult to navigate parking lots, especially when there are no handicap parking spots available and long lines and often 'rough' terrain with a disability like M S. But I did, I went out by myself and went to four different stores and did what had to get done. I didn't meet up with anyone that knows me - phew. But when I do I am going to say it for the first time outside my circle of family and close friends - when whomever asks what happened that I need a rollator? I will answer truthfully, "I have M S and this helps me do what I like to do". I have to remember I am a person first and that my having M S is a detail not a definition of me. And a BIG "thank you" to Mark over at 'The Naked Soul' for his recent post about transforming which was the final push or perhaps pull that helped me emerge from my protective cocoon.
The issue at my neurologist's office last week when my BP spiked was an awakening as well. I, in my denying my truth about having M S slacked off on my very important exercises and walks - And I have to manage my diet much better because I had been making choices that do not reflect my reality regarding food intake.
I believe the neurologist may have saved my life. Actually, not may have, he did. I am on a new medication and I can honestly tell you that I know it is working. I feel quite different in five days. I am drinking at least a quart of water a day. I am exercising daily and either walking and or playing the Wll every day, as well. I am LEAVING MY HOUSE four to five times per week. And, while I am out in public, if someone asks m what happened that I need to use a rollator I will answer them honestly. "I have M S and this helps me do what I like to do". Trust me, it will not be easy for me. I also know how important it is to do so. I have also avoided larger family functions, like wedding or baby showers or barbecues. I told my Mom and Sis that I am going to my cousins baby shower next Sunday with them. They were thrilled because they knew I was hiding but also knew it was my decision when I was ready to "step out".
As I compare last Sunday to this Sunday I can feel that I came out of my protective shell/cocoon. I also had told my Mom last week that when we were at the Gator Creek that I thought the checkout lady was SO unfriendly. And then I realized that it wasn't her that was unfriendly, it was me. This Sunday it was an entirely different experience - same lady - different me!! :-)
I stopped at other places today and took photos for future posts. When Skipp called and asked about my day and I told him all that I did - I could hear him smile through the phone and he said "My girl is back on top"!!!!
This is a type of confession it seems. I needed to fess up to make it all real. I have been struggling and hiding and denying - not any more. And lest I/we forget, those who know me and some of my "it's" - October is a cathartic month - from past trauma - mine to claim with dignity as well........ and so it goes, so it goes........
thanks for listening
Posted by Gail at 6:38 PM