Sunday, September 20, 2009

A beautiful Sunday for Confession




My Mom and I had a wonderful afternoon. Above and to the left is Gator Creek - a quaint local farmers market. My Mom loves to go there and buy fruit and corn and pies. That's her just above and a bit to the left, bag in hand. On top and to the right above is the Clinton Marina - just down the street from where my Mom lives in her 'in-law' apartment attached so nicely to my sister's home and nestled in a country setting.

The water is so peaceful and she loves going and so we went. We sat and spoke gently and lovingly while breathing in the salt air and being calmed by the smooth water's surface and the breeze on our faces. The sun was glorious. I love her beyond expression and she loves me too. She always says I am "a breath of fresh air topped with a ray of sunshine'. How nice is that? And my Mom is a pillar of faith and hope, love and wisdom topped with a delightful sense of humor and all of which I hold oh so dear.

I went to visit last week too and we went to Gator Creek then, as well. It was different last week for many reasons. I am changing, transforming and last week was the end of a type of metamorphosis where I finally squeezed out of my protective cocoon and have begun to fly again. I had retreated in to my limits and to where I felt safe for several months, avoiding face to face human contact in public places as much as possible. I know why too. I feel the most normal at home and with those who know me well and love me. I am barely aware of my limits at home - and very aware the moment I step out my door. I have been transforming so I can feel normal despite the limits and celebrate my freedoms more fully. I must confess I have not been doing that. I have been hiding as best I can. I will tell you that yesterday when I chose to move through my fear of being in public and possibly meeting up with people I know that haven't seen me in a while and they see me with my rollator??!! I am so unable to tell them the truth when they ask what happened!. I have created a couple of elaborate stories to "explain" who I am walking with a rollator or a cane. My favorite is that I tore a nerve while hiking in the woods with my dog. Ya. that's a good one. Good Lord!! I don't expect you to understand this, some of you may, some not - and if you don't or can't please don't tell me how wrong I am for my feeling this way - or why I shouldn't hide my truth - I know this! This is part of the transformation journey/process to surrender, to truth and claiming my truth with resilience, dignity, confidence and pride. And for the record, it can be difficult to navigate parking lots, especially when there are no handicap parking spots available and long lines and often 'rough' terrain with a disability like M S. But I did, I went out by myself and went to four different stores and did what had to get done. I didn't meet up with anyone that knows me - phew. But when I do I am going to say it for the first time outside my circle of family and close friends - when whomever asks what happened that I need a rollator? I will answer truthfully, "I have M S and this helps me do what I like to do". I have to remember I am a person first and that my having M S is a detail not a definition of me. And a BIG "thank you" to Mark over at 'The Naked Soul' for his recent post about transforming which was the final push or perhaps pull that helped me emerge from my protective cocoon.

The issue at my neurologist's office last week when my BP spiked was an awakening as well. I, in my denying my truth about having M S slacked off on my very important exercises and walks - And I have to manage my diet much better because I had been making choices that do not reflect my reality regarding food intake.

I believe the neurologist may have saved my life. Actually, not may have, he did. I am on a new medication and I can honestly tell you that I know it is working. I feel quite different in five days. I am drinking at least a quart of water a day. I am exercising daily and either walking and or playing the Wll every day, as well. I am LEAVING MY HOUSE four to five times per week. And, while I am out in public, if someone asks m what happened that I need to use a rollator I will answer them honestly. "I have M S and this helps me do what I like to do". Trust me, it will not be easy for me. I also know how important it is to do so. I have also avoided larger family functions, like wedding or baby showers or barbecues. I told my Mom and Sis that I am going to my cousins baby shower next Sunday with them. They were thrilled because they knew I was hiding but also knew it was my decision when I was ready to "step out".

As I compare last Sunday to this Sunday I can feel that I came out of my protective shell/cocoon. I also had told my Mom last week that when we were at the Gator Creek that I thought the checkout lady was SO unfriendly. And then I realized that it wasn't her that was unfriendly, it was me. This Sunday it was an entirely different experience - same lady - different me!! :-)
I stopped at other places today and took photos for future posts. When Skipp called and asked about my day and I told him all that I did - I could hear him smile through the phone and he said "My girl is back on top"!!!!

This is a type of confession it seems. I needed to fess up to make it all real. I have been struggling and hiding and denying - not any more. And lest I/we forget, those who know me and some of my "it's" - October is a cathartic month - from past trauma - mine to claim with dignity as well........ and so it goes, so it goes........








thanks for listening
love Gail
peace.....

35 comments:

Eileen said...

I loved this post!
And I understand completely for I can imagine that I would be reacting in much the same way.
And I think that saying those words out loud to an acquaintance for the first time for me would be frightening/strange, but I think also liberating.

I love how you share your innermost feelings, and I loved hearing about your relationship with your Mom. It made me smile.
And I love hearing how you are breaking yet another bond that had your spirit chained for awhile!
Beautiful post! Thanks so much for sharing this.
Love and Prayers,
Eileen

Gail said...

HI EILEEN -

"Thank you" so much for your expressed understanding. It really helps when know someone else feels like I do.

And my Mom? I love that I can share about her and that you smiled. :-)

And I like the word you used, "liberating". I am going to believe that the first time I say it to someone while out in public I will be liberated. Thank you Eileen.

Love Gail
peace.....

Mark said...

Gail,
I am thrilled that you have been going out and that you are now ready to put yourself out there in regards to the MS. The most important thing you said in today's post is that you are not letting the MS define you! This is perfect, for you are not your form, and MS is an aspect of your form, not an aspect of you! I love how you are speaking and thinking of your transformation!
Yes, we are very much on the same page today, even down to the emerging butterfly, ha!
I am humbled that my thoughts helped you to push beyond what you were excepting as the "norm" and that you are continuing along your path of transformation with joy in your heart.
Thank-you for the mention. Know that it is all you, my words are only a different vehicle for the expression of the thoughts you already were having.
You are blessed to have such a great relationship with your Mom.
Remember, you are redefining normal everyday as you should.
You have brought me great joy today! Hugs!

Gail said...

HI MARK -

Oh my, your words of gentle understanding and encouragement have moved me to tears of joy. And I love how you know that the redefining is moment by moment - it is a process not an event!!
I am so glad we met Mark and that our soul connection via blogland is so profound and loving and true.

You are a beautiful person in every sense of the word.

Love to you
Gail
peace......

Bernie said...

I am so proud of you and for you, I believe to be honest with others one first has to be honest with themselves. You are so much more than your MS Gail, you truly are a beautiful spirt who just happens to have MS. You are an inspiration and by sharing your "it" you will be helping many others who are dealing with a handicap or disability. Truthfully I think we all may be handicapped in some form or another, some people's just don't show as it is inside their hearts....keep sharing your "its" my friend, it is clearing a path for all of us to follow.......:-) Hugs

Gail said...

HI BERNIE!!

Oh my, you wrote such wonderful words to me, "thank you". And to think that my shared truth can help others along their journey is so wondrous andhumbling to me - I needed to hear that again - You are SO wise - and I love you.

Love Gail
peace......

Margie said...

Gail
I loved the pictures and there is one of your mom too ... it must have been such a special time you and her shared together.
The love you and her share is a beautiful thing...as you spoke of the love you have for each other here it really touched me and also made me so miss my mom ...your mom reminds me of my mom.

Lovely post of sharing your true self and I loved what your husband said "My girl is back on top"
That really made me smile:)
That is so true and you should be so proud.
You are brave and have lots of courage, Gail

Blessings to you, always!

Margie:)

Gail said...

HI MARGIE -

your words filled me with tears. I am so glad that my sharing about my Mom gave way to you thinking of your Mom and a smile followed. Such a lovely image. ANd ya, SKipp is SO patient with me and celebrates my victories as if they were his own. :-)

"Thank you" so much for your kind and loving and encouragi9g words to me.

Love Gail
peace.....

Choices said...

Hi Gail,
I am so glad that you enjoyed your day with your Mom. It sounds and looks like such an enjoyable day.
You have lots of courage and you should be very proud of yourself for feeling as you do. I am happy for you!
Take care of yourself.

a corgi said...

I think its awesome you came to the point where you realized you also needed to be taking care of your body and that you had let some things slip as far as healthy eating, exercise, etc. that will definitely help so much to keep you as healthy as you can. I can understand where it would be difficult to admit you have MS to people you might run into when you are out and about; I think sometimes we don't want others to see our flaws or shortcomings so to speak, but just think, there might be someone out there you will run into that if you share your journey with them with MS, maybe they too are struggling with that or something else and by your words, will have the courage to come out themselves

betty

Gail said...

@CORGI -

So nice to see you. :-) ANd yes, I certainly appreciate how when we share opur truths we free others to do the same. I just had to get to that place about M S. Thank you for all your suport.

Love Gail
peace......

@ANNE-

Hi and "thank you" so much for your kind and encouraging words to me. And yes, my Mom is SO precious and we creatred a wonderful memory.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Whitemist said...

It is the very strangest thing how people have no clue about what happens to people (you your MS, me my Tumor). And some how expect us to be okay, no matter what.
Hang in there, you will grow in confidence and bless you.

Gail said...

HI JOEY -

Mind boggling, indeed. I am adjusting and being patient with myself. phew. Thanks for your support and I am so glad you stopped by.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

The-Grizzled-But-Still-Incorrigible-Scribe-Himself! said...

I'm glad you've decided to "come out" about your MS in public to those you meet…and I think doing so will actually help make your days easier.

Life happens to all of us, but often we're the ones who impose limitations, and sometimes we allow pride, shame, nonacceptance, disbelief, or just some sill old worry about what others might think, to back us into a corner and make our days more difficult.

So you need the support of a cane or rollator—so what? So you take this pill or that pill—what of it? We all need help of one sort or another sooner or later, in all manner of ways. Wear your life with pride.

You are not gail…you are Gail…striving to be GAIL! (And doing a pretty good job of getting there, too, if you ask me.)

Truth is both strengthening and freeing. Your willingness to begin setting the record—your record—straight will, in return, give strength and freedom to your life.

P.S. Your mom sounds like a real treasure. Visit her often!

Wanda said...

That was an inspiring post Gail... all should feel the freedom to be their authentic self...true happiness comes from ambracing what we can't change and the realization that others don't see us any differently...I have known of your illness from long ago visits to Riverdaze...that does not color my view of you...I see a well articulated, deep thinking, strong, caring individual of great character...that's how you come across to me...it's good to hear you are feeling better after only 5days on the new medication.

We all need to drink more water probably!!! :)
Smiles,
Wanda

Gail said...

Hi Wanda -

THank you so much for your kind and understanding and complimentary words to and about me. Wow!! And it is so wonderful to share in my continuing surrender and freedom with you.

Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI GRIZZ-

My Mom is a real precious treasure - we see each other ALOT and talk every day.


And all the wonderful, heartfelt, understanding words you wrote to me are where I am arriving along this path of my life's journey. I fully don't undertand why I chose to hide or make up some elaborate story about why I had a cane or the rollator - I just know I can't hide or tell stories - I am me, and I need to be honest and have pride and dignity about my life just as it is. I know you understand - and I SO appreciate your powerful and wise words. I cherish them and you.

Love to you
Gail
peace......

cinner said...

Hi Gail, well once again I felt like I have lived in your shoes. i have yet to venture out all on my own other than walking the dog, but I will get there too. We set the limitations don't we. I Do understand about being in your home because we feel the most normal. I have gone through the exact same thing. we are both making positive steps in coming clean with what we have. I am glad your Mom is close by, she seems like a real treat..there are no better words than for me to say how very proud I am of you. Remember what look like small steps are huge for us. Big hug my friend...love ya, c

Gail said...

HI CINNER -

I feel SO connected to you and aligned with you on this path of our life's journey. I knew you would understand so personally. I am so glad we met and I look forward to moving forward with you very close.

Love to you
Gail;
peace.....

CordieB said...

"She always says I am "a breath of fresh air topped with a ray of sunshine'. How nice is that?" And that you are!!!!

Thank Gail for sharing such intimate parts of your life in such a keep-it-real, encouraging manner. Your words always inspire me to get out of my little box and reminds me that we all have boxes, it's up to us to move beyond them in our own time and manner. A nudge from someone, like yourself, is always inspirational!

Peace, Light and Love, , C.

Diana said...

Hi Gail,
You are wonderful and I don't blame you at all for feeling the way that you did and still sometimes do. I would think that this would be natural. And I somehow can't help but think that maybe mom might have made you feel a little differently. Either way I loved your post and I love that you were able to share your feelings so beautifully. I hope it helped! Love Di

Gail said...

HI DIANA-

Oh yes a nidge from my Mom and sister were so loving and helpful. "Thank you' so much for your much for your unconditional accceptance, understanding and wisdom. I love you for that.

Love Gail
peace....

Gail said...

HI CORDIE -

am so humbled by words to me t hat say my truth is an inspiration. It is so good to receive such kind and supportive feedback."THnk you" COrdie, thank you.....
Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Teacher's Pet said...

Hi Gail!! I'm soooo very happy to meet you. I loved being here and reading your blog....and I'm so proud of you!! Yes....proud, proud, proud of you. I think that stepping out and sharing your feelings (when you feel comfortable doing that shows that
(1) you trust those you are sharing them with (thank you for that!) :))
(2) you are more aware and understanding of others and can help someone else who might need that gentle nudge from you...seeing you...feeling your newly found confidence....there is no telling how many people you will touch....absolutely!
(3) is simply good for the soul and spirit!! Good on ya, girl!
I love your Mom....and I've never met her....but I want you to give her the biggggggest hug and kiss from me, and tell her the world should be full of Moms juuuust like her....She's a sweetheart.
It is very nice to meet you....I wish you well as you get braver and braver....and you know what, Gail....you will be stronger because of it. I can just feel that in my heart. I send YOU a great big hug...and want you to know that I'm thinking of you...and welcome you to Teacher's Pet any day....any time. It is more than lovely to make a new friend...and I feel that we shall be friends!!!
Hugs and smiles to you, Gail.
Chat with you soon!!!
Love,
Jackie

Rose Marie Raccioppi said...

"I am changing, transforming and last week was the end of a type of metamorphosis where I finally squeezed out of my protective cocoon and have begun to fly again."

Gail yours is a spirit that is winged and so you are destined to fly - to soar. And so you are.

A most heartfelt post that awakens compassion, understanding and faith. I can feel the renewed determination. And to your posted song, this your celebration. And to you and your Mom, loving Hugs.

Now did you ever think you would have a "Coming Out Party" cheered by those you touch with your loving reach? SPECIAL you are to each of us! And SPECIAL to, to Gail!

Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord said...

I think you're just awesome, and you know what? Even when you don't feel comfortable telling people your whole truth, that's okay. It's part of your authentic self to hide whatever parts of you you're not ready to share. And that makes it (oddly enough) truthful! I had a friend tell me that once regarding some negative feelings I had about something. I said, "I shouldn't be this way... I'm supposed to be positive! That's my journey!" He stopped me and said, "Yeah, but this is all part of your 'stuff' and it's very real. It's authentically you." So I say to you, no matter what you're being, feeling, doing, saying, thinking... It's all YOU! And it's beautiful.

Keep rising, rising, rising as only you can!

Love * joy to you

Gail said...

@MEGAN - JOY GIRL!!

Hi and thank you somuch for your loving and understanding words to me. And yes, I do know I can pick and choose to whom and when I say whatever, :-) I just and to emerge to a place where telling is even an option - and so it is so, :-)
You are precious
Love Gail
peace.....


@ROSEMARIE-
Hi and I love your visits, so full of love and creative passion and true wisdom. ANd again, I am humbled that my shared truth can help another - this is all so powerful.
Love to you my friend
Gail
peace......

@JACKIE-
Hi and I SO appreciate your lovely words to me that were so full of happy expression and kind validation and humbling compliment. Wow!! I love how you "number" your points!! :-) ANd each point was so humbling and so generous. "THank you" I look forward to us becoming very close and trusting each other fully.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Children with out voices said...

Hi Gail,

The more stories you hear, the more you are aware of our vulnerability. Everyone has their own personal demons, how we find the courage to deal with them also varies. The old adage "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" is evident in your personal stories of trials and triumphs.

CWOV

Gail said...

HI CWOC-

Always SO nice to see you. And yes what we survive is proof we have lived.

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

TheChicGeek said...

Oh, Gail, this post is so beautiful on so many levels. You changing, coming out of the safety of your cocoon and flying back to life is the very best part of it all! Each moment is so precious, truly a gift...never waste it. Your mom is so right, you are breath of fresh air topped with a ray of sunshine! I have experienced your shining self in just the short time I have known you. Keep up the good work...it's a process. Sounds like you are on the road...a good road. And remember, the Rollanator is your friend!!! He allows you to do what you want and you never have to miss a moment of a day's pleasure! Give him a hug from me :D He is my friend's helper and I thank him for that!

Love and Big Hug to you, Gail!

TheChicGeek said...

PS: Gail, I love the song and Gator Creek looks like a wonderful place to visit :D
I'm glad you and your Mom had a happy day!
xox

Teacher's Pet said...

Gail..I tend to be one who 'pops' back in...even after I've posted.
:)))
I love to visit my friends...leaving a smile...and receiving them. I read your sweet comment to cinner...and came over her to say 'hi'...
I hope that you have a restful night.
Smiles from Jackie

Gail said...

@JACKIE -

I love that you visited again and shared some more wonderful thoughts. And Cinner is a gem!! :-)
Sleep well my friend

Love to you
Gail
peace....

!CHIC GEEK -

THank you SO much for your inspirational words to me. I always feel so happy and energized at yor blog and I Love that you visit me here. And again, I am humbled that my story has touched you. I ma thrilled you enjoy4d the song , and ya, Gator Creek is woonderful. ANd so is my Mom!! I am so blessed.

Love to you
Gail
peace......

PENolan said...

Enjoy the world, baby.

Gail said...

HI TRISH -

Will do girl, will do. :-)

Love you
Gail
peace