Monday, February 9, 2009

At The Core

Kel's death has had a profound impact. It is interesting to me, considering my own thoughts; fears, hopes, denials, realities, and what it all means. In one breath I am telling Skipp we need to buy two cemetery plots where the rest of my family is and will be buried and in the next breath I am saying, fuck it -let's just sell everything, buy an RV and take off. I like the idea of an RV because it would have it's own bathroom which, is one of my realities - the need to have a bathroom in close proximity.

If Skipp dies before me I wont be able to live here. Nope, no way. I simply cannot afford it. That wasn't always the case. Before I was diagnosed with M S and I worked full time I could have supported our home on my own. So not only would I need to redefine myself as a widow I would need to move. That sucks, big time - huh?. I always prided myself in knowing that I could take care of myself, and my kids when they lived at home, by myself. I learned that after I lost everything because I depended on someone else's income to make it. I swore I would never be in that position again and I wasn't. This made my falling in love with Skipp so free and untangled. I loved him for him. It had nothing to do with needing him to survive. But as life goes, things change and that just isn't so anymore. Thank goodness we have had years of knowing that our love for each other was only about our love for each other and not because we needed each other to survive. That line has been long since crossed and to our delight it changed nothing. Actually, our desire to live and love together is still strongest at the core - the 'no matter what' core we have strengthened and defined over the years. This core is built on matters of the heart and soul and spirit, not matters of finances. We have never kept score or even thought about times of weakness where one of us had to 'carry the load' - we knew we would get back on even ground again.

I recall my sister reflecting on her life with Kel - which as I have said, has had it's share of all that life offers and takes away. She spoke warmly and deeply of their core, of their love at the center of it all - it was unshakable. The core is still there - that doesn't die. Grief continues, the harshness of the void evident, the hope that in time adjustment will come, the belief that precious memories will sustain, the gift of seeing Kel in her sons, the faith that Kel is with their son Clayton that died, the importance of family support and casseroles dropped off and cards in her mail box, a job to return to, a life to re-define, a sadness to honor, a healing journey upon which to embark, albeit it out of step, out of tune, at best clumsy, at worst paralyzing.....meanwhile, I have two sites bookmarked on my computer; one for Resurrection Cemetery, one for Recreational vehicles, new and used.............choices, choices, choices...

Love Gail


Kartz said...

:( Dunno what to say... I understand such losses are irreplaceable. I know, clich├ęd! At loss for words, ma'am...

Thoughts and prayers.

Take care. And as I had said once before - you should be a tower of strength for your sister and the children.

Peace. Be well.

Sorry for the delay. Been a bit held up off late. :( And do check my new template when u ve time time. :) The "unveiling" was done on the 8th...


Gail said...

Hi Kartz-

As always, so good to hear from you.

My sister calls me her "rock". I always tell her that "I sleep right by the phone". She said she longs for the day I no longer need to say that to her.

I will goto your site now.

Peace to you


Gail said...
This comment has been removed by the author.


Naval Langa

Comrade Kevin said...

I understand grief and loss full well. I am holding you in the light today.

Gail said...

Hi Kevin -

"Thank you" ....your understanding and light mean SO much.

And that song, "I'll Be Your Mirror" still impacts me.

Love Gail,

Gail said...

Hi Naval -

And a 'Happy Valentine's day to you as well.

Love Gail

Fallen Angel said...

Dear Gail,

Please, and I mean please, never consider the ancient Jewish tradition that the brother of your dead husband will take you in and drive you around in some rundown Winnebago.

All my love

Gail said...


Oh my, quite an image -

I promise not to consider it....



PENolan said...

I think you should absolutely make him cart your ass around in a Winnebago - assuming he hasn't fallen off a bridge and been swept out to sea. Y'all can motor on down to Austin.

As always, remember to take care of yourself so you can be healthy and strong engough to take care of your sister.

ps: the word verification is sallyrv. Coincidence?

Gail said...

Hi Trish

Ya, quite an adventure - me and A in an old RV treking across this good ole U S of A!!! On our way to Austin! Definitely.

And it is quite heavy at my sister's house. I visit and/or call every day. I listen and listen and even make her laugh. Oh the sweet sound of her laughter - I ache for her -

Thanks Trish

Love Gail