At The Core

Kel's death has had a profound impact. It is interesting to me, considering my own thoughts; fears, hopes, denials, realities, and what it all means. In one breath I am telling Skipp we need to buy two cemetery plots where the rest of my family is and will be buried and in the next breath I am saying, fuck it -let's just sell everything, buy an RV and take off. I like the idea of an RV because it would have it's own bathroom which, is one of my realities - the need to have a bathroom in close proximity.

If Skipp dies before me I wont be able to live here. Nope, no way. I simply cannot afford it. That wasn't always the case. Before I was diagnosed with M S and I worked full time I could have supported our home on my own. So not only would I need to redefine myself as a widow I would need to move. That sucks, big time - huh?. I always prided myself in knowing that I could take care of myself, and my kids when they lived at home, by myself. I learned that after I lost everything because I depended on someone else's income to make it. I swore I would never be in that position again and I wasn't. This made my falling in love with Skipp so free and untangled. I loved him for him. It had nothing to do with needing him to survive. But as life goes, things change and that just isn't so anymore. Thank goodness we have had years of knowing that our love for each other was only about our love for each other and not because we needed each other to survive. That line has been long since crossed and to our delight it changed nothing. Actually, our desire to live and love together is still strongest at the core - the 'no matter what' core we have strengthened and defined over the years. This core is built on matters of the heart and soul and spirit, not matters of finances. We have never kept score or even thought about times of weakness where one of us had to 'carry the load' - we knew we would get back on even ground again.

I recall my sister reflecting on her life with Kel - which as I have said, has had it's share of all that life offers and takes away. She spoke warmly and deeply of their core, of their love at the center of it all - it was unshakable. The core is still there - that doesn't die. Grief continues, the harshness of the void evident, the hope that in time adjustment will come, the belief that precious memories will sustain, the gift of seeing Kel in her sons, the faith that Kel is with their son Clayton that died, the importance of family support and casseroles dropped off and cards in her mail box, a job to return to, a life to re-define, a sadness to honor, a healing journey upon which to embark, albeit it out of step, out of tune, at best clumsy, at worst paralyzing.....meanwhile, I have two sites bookmarked on my computer; one for Resurrection Cemetery, one for Recreational vehicles, new and used.............choices, choices, choices...

Love Gail
peace.....