Saturday, December 6, 2008

"THANK YOU" FALLEN ANGEL, UTAH SAVAGE AND MENOPAUSAL STONER

Such a beautiful shade of deep red. The cardinals were fluttering about in the now struggling forsythia, dormant and in hiding. Winter - a quiet reflective time to search within for new life, old ideas, direction, applause, challenge, surrender, strength, weakness and solitude. Sounds like a type of depression, perhaps it is. If that is true and one comes out renewed in Spring? It is necessary.

This season in particular, and I mean the Christmas season, makes solitude difficult. The stimuli is endless and the flurry and excitement and meanings filter in and out like dialysis. The timing is no coincidence - were it not for the unavoidable flurry and stimuli many would slip away in to their own darkness. Still, many do. Memories are vivid during times of obvious recall and when those memories are tragic they can pull a person down to their knees. Over time, if one is so inclined or determined, the memories can be dis-empowered. I wish with all my might I could tell you they will go away, but that simply isn't true. What I can tell you is that you can take the memories power away and stop them from causing continuing harm.

I know this sounds like an over simplification and at first read this may even appear invalidating and some of you may be saying "Fuck You". I get it. As crazy as this sounds I have earned some unwanted weird right to speak of such things as I hold my own share of tragic memories, that I have given much power to and at times I still do. It is the nature of the beast. October is my most difficult month with vivid, vivid memories of events that have scarred me for life. I give in to those memories every year. And not to cause my self to be re-wounded and harmed but to honor my truth. I spent years harming myself to deny the truth until I came to understand that the lengths I went to, to separate myself from myself were more destructive than the memory itself. What happened will never change, go away or not be a part of me. Sad but true. Maybe sad is not the right word.

In Winter, I reflect on October and how I honored myself. I sob uncontrollably over parts of my truth because those parts deserve such. I laugh and sing and dance over other parts of my truth because they deserve such. It is a delicate balance of good and evil. This season of reflection and quiet, shaken by flurry and stimuli is a master design for deeper harmony and love of self. Each year I am able to love myself more, forgive myself more, honor my truths more, celebrate more, keep hope alive, believe more strongly that there is a purpose for every piece of my life's tapestry - because there is.

I will end with a dream, inspired by Utah Savage's powerful honesty of her life's tapestry, reflected in one of her recurring dreams..

I was on a boat, actually an open flat boat with benches. I was with my two closest friends and support during the very beginning of my healing journey. They insisted they had to get off the boat and that I must stay. I felt so scared in this dream because I wanted them with me, always. They each got off the boat and I set sail again, alone. Another boat came by and my boat and it stopped in the middle of Long Island Sound. He was on the other boat, he being the teacher who abused me. He boarded and there we stood. The last thing I recall just before waking up crying was his voice saying, "It's time......".

I had that dream many times over the years and some Octobers I still do. This October, in particular, I had this dream often. I was jolted wide open by "The Great Debate" (an earlier post if you are interested). I have known for a while that for me, "It's time" meant it was time for me to face more of my truth, and face it, him, alone. I understood that to run and hide empowered him and to finally face him would empower me. And so it began. It was time, time indeed....... There is still a memory or memories I long to discover and this season my longing is being fulfilled. I am still awed by this because for years I did all I could to NOT remember. I, over the years, have come to know the value of knowing my own truth. And again, not to live in the pain and shame and horror but rather to be in charge of me, no surprises that can throw me in to a downward spiral. All of this was quite active after The Great Debate" and has since receded. And so, in my quiet time of Winter, away from the flurry and stimuli the memory is resurfacing. I have the balance of wonderful magic, love, energy and passion surrounding me and in me as I entertain full memory. I also know I must face him alone, just like in my dream which I experienced last night after reading Utah Savage's childhood dream/memory. "Thank you Utah Savage for sharing your dream", Thank you also, Menopausal Stoner for your honest sharing about your healing, spattered with pointed humor and the most amazing 'nic-names, ever! And "Thank You Fallen Angel for the still unfolding power of the "Great Debate". You , in many ways were the catalyst, the key to unlocking my vault. There is no therapist (sorry Barbara), or intimate person in my life that can reflect and search and acknowledge what is just under the surface. Only I can do that, it is my journey, my truth, my memory to face. I write today as one on the brink of something unbearable in it's detail. Something necessary in it's purpose. Something frightening by it's nature. Something freeing by it's being finally acknowledged. Something empowering by my ability embrace it - a part of me. Something wondrous because I can feel it and no longer mask it, hide it, beneath fake smiles and wine. The memory is right here...............and as odd as this sounds, I see it as a gift of self, a tribute to my healing journey, and again, to those of you, without even knowing, that helped me to finally say, "It's time........." I say 'thank you'.

Love,
Gail
peace......

9 comments:

PENolan said...

It's awfully hard to embrace things that are repugnat, but you're right to claim them as part of who you are. I wish I liked who I am better, but I suspect that the reason I have trouble with that is tied up with my "it"

Thank you, Gail, for making it safe to put It out there in the light to air out in the sunshine.

Utah Savage said...

Gail, I'm actually in a terrible hurry right now, going out with one of my two friends for lunch. I'll be back to read and comment later. Don't give up on me. Dream life is my meat and potatoes. You;d think I'd be thinner.

Gail said...

Hi Trish-
I hear ya, I do. It IS awfully hard, and somehow, now, it is harder not to.
You have had a HUGE part in my being able to let the sunshine on me, on my 'it's'.

I actually felt remiss in not having 'Menopausal Stoner' after reading your post today. When I wrote my post it came right on the heels of Utah's dream and my immediate throw back to The Great Debate. The word 'after' is the operative word in this case. So let me comment it now - YOU and YOUR honest writings are directly related to my freedom today. "Thank you, "Thank you, "thank you".

Love Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

Hi Utah-
No worries, I hope you had a wonderful lunch.
See ya soon. Dream on.

Love,
Gail
peace

Utah Savage said...

gail, I have to take issue with your use of the word evil in reference to some aspect of peering into the abyss to heal your self. I never want to forget again. I am empowered by the power of the memories. For me, writing has bee the path toward wholeness. I hear some bloggers telling me it's too painful, why bother, leave the past in the past where it belongs. And my answer is that the past is alway in the present, always. We are set on a path by the past. It colors every decision we make along the way whether or not we want to acknowledge this.

And I was without a uterus long before I became menopausal, but even so I am way past menopausal. But I am stoned.

Gail said...

Utah?

I as so clear on my feeling exactly the same- about honoring the past, that it is always with us. I too am SO empowered by my memories and embracing them as part of my tapestry in that knowledge I am also freed. About the word evil? I also believe he did evil acts and my reference to that was to show a comparison to also having good in my pst, as well.

Menopausal Stoner is a real person, and a blog I follow faithfully. I am sorry if you thought I was referring to you, did you think that? Big oops if you did. OOPS!!

Again, I feel as you Utah - and I have been challenged by readers for similar reasons. I never want to forget either, it cost way too much to do that.

Gail
peace.....

Utah Savage said...

Oh, dear, yes, I just assumed... being older and a stoner and all... You can understand my confusion... I am, after all, stoned.

Gail said...

Hey Utah -

Phew....I am SO glad we cleared that up. :-)

Gail
peace

NAVAL LANGA said...

To Ms. Gail

Yes, I was an officer in a Bank owned by the government of India. After opting voluntary retirement in 2001, now a day I am practicing as a lawyer in Gujarat High Court (India).

When I was in bank I kept telling my friends that whenever you need my help, do contact me. But now I wish that may God bless my dear friends that they never need my help as an advocate. It is because people need advocate only in the tight circumstances. (Ms. Gail from East Coast, USA is now included in my dear friends' list)

However whenever my dear-ones need me, I am there.

Naval Langa