NOT THISYEAR

His eyes are a deep blue. Short blond hair, tall and thin, quiet and aloof. Confident with a splash of arrogance. He stares as if he is seeing something no one else sees, nods in the silences between words, long after a thought is circling. He waits to be asked to sit as if he is fine off to the side - just beyond the gathering. In conversation he speaks a cold truth regardless of it's impact. He claims he hates fake people and has no intention of pretending. He calmly says '"this is who I am, if people like me, fine, if they don't, it is of no concern to me."
He has a large German Shepard, almost completely black and over 100 pounds. He calls him 'Gordo', which in Spanish means 'fat'. He is gentle with his daughter. She was quite energetic and chatty. Quite comfortable practicing her cheer leader routine for a pee-wee football team. She is nine. I watched their interactions with interest. I looked for fear - there was none. I looked for caution - there was none. While eating her pizza, she happily said, "Daddy, sit here next to me." I had to concede that they were comfortable together.
He was easily led in my conversation with him. Perhaps not led as I don't see him as a follower. He told me his biological father beat him every day from age two until age seven when he left and was imprisoned for robbery. He added that his father was supporting a drug habit. He also said that he had a good step father and that his real father was of no influence once he left. He spoke of his militant look and explained that his uncles were in the Marines and that he was raised in that discipline. He spoke of a 'white supremacy' impact and a close association with members of the KKK. He spoke of prejudice and much to my surprise said, "there are niggers and there is white trash"....I was quite taken back by this comment on many levels. I chose not to continue with that subject.
He spoke of his Mother being someone he doesn't get along with because she has too many opinions/advice. about his life. I asked if he was open to constructive criticism and he clearly said he was not. I spoke to him about our family and that I would not expect him to be someone he was not, however I would hope that how, what he did affected us would matter. It was a point of contention where he 'dug his heels in'. He said "I didn't do anything wrong so if you thought badly about me that's on you, I didn't do anything wrong." I wondered why it wasn't important to him to 'clear the air'. He was clear that he hoped there could be good feelings between us but there was nothing he could do/be differently to make that happen. I spoke of his lack of job security, his glaring at my husband, his marital status, his 'rough-play' with my daughter, and everything else that troubled us. He absorbed it well although I am unclear about what he did with it. He did react favorably to one aspect: I spoke to him about every parent hopes that their children will find a life's partner that is their biggest fan, like a cheer leader for all that is good and even not so good about them. I told him that if hey are not each other's cheer-leaders they should free one another to find someone that is. He has since, made many fun comments about that to my daughter, with light humor and good intention. This got him a few points.
I am still very unsure about him. I am not able to receive/welcome him as my daughter's boyfriend. I am cordial and kind and VERY cautious. I have barriers up because I am not comfortable around him. Meanwhile, she is being very welcomed in to his family dynamic, as is her son. So much so that she and her son slept at his Mother's house (which is where he lives), on Christmas Eve. They all opened gifts together in the morning and feasted on a hearty breakfast. Jen and Jo'el came her for Christmas dinner without him - I knew she was disappointed when we said , "not this year." She didn't stay long and when my son brought them back to her apartment he was there with his daughter making a pasta dish for the two of them. They are still together today - he didn't work at all this week.
I guess I am going to eventually have to be more inviting. Part of me doesn't want to 'see/know' anymore - fearing the worst. Or maybe I will learn something I can celebrate. It feels like way too much of a risk. I know I see history repeating itself - and there is nothing I can do to stop it except not be part of it. It is a very tough position to be in. Very tough indeed.

Gail
peace......