Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Huh. Did I mention?

The intruder continues to show cause for concern. Upon our first meeting I was somewhat hopeful although skeptical and cautious. His neo-Nazi look and love of guns is alarming to me. Him being in the process of a divorce is also unsettling. My daughter has many bruises on her arms. She claims they are from his dog, a large German Shepard, which is always with him. What's that all about? Huh. My little grandson says that he (the intruder) is "mean to my Mommy". Huh. She explained it away with some awkward defense about how it is all in play, rough-housing for fun. I am shaking my head as I write this. The flares are going off like a July 4th display of fireworks.

My husband ran into Jen and her son and the intruder Monday evening on his way home from work. He saw her car in a convenience store parking lot. He pulled in and approached the car. The intruder looked at him, no, glared intensely at him with a blank stare. He said later, to Jen, that he didn't know who it was at first. Perhaps it's me but once he realized who it was he should have smiled and said, "Hey, how are you. My husband pondered this until he got home. He was struggling to come up with a word to describe how he felt. He figured it out, "creepy", it was all quite creepy. He also told me that our grandson was in the back seat with the big German Shepard crawling all over him while he hid under a coat. This was 10:30 at night.

One might wonder why Jen and her son and the intruder were out at this hour. I certainly did. Apparently, her babysitter fell trough and the intruder was going to stay over night with her son. Huh. Jen had to go and pick the intruder up. His 11 year old truck is not running, again. Did I mention that he has no "real job" and lives with his mother and step father? Well, now I did.

Jen has been home with her son for about 4 days. Yes, four. In that short time she has not been able to secure a reliable over-night babysitter (she works 12-8), and oh, her electricity was turned off. I, in turn, being the good enabler that I am, have paid to have her electric turned back on and her son slept here last night and he will come back, bag and baggage again tonight. History is repeating itself and I am in over my head. Did I mention that his 9 year old daughter shot a bear? Well, that is what the intruder 'proudly' shared with us. He said that while he was in the shower at his house in Massachusetts, (all quite sketchy), anyway, she heard rustling in the woods, got the rifle, and shot the bear. Now, I could be wrong but should a 9 year old be allowed to do that? And to hear the intruder speak of this event as a proud moment was disturbing on many levels. Did I mention he has an 8 year old son he doesn't see. I tried to figure this all out but I just cannot. His daughter is 9, his son is 8, so that means while he was with his wife he also had a son by another woman? Huh.

The real estate stories don't add up. The house in Massachusetts we just found out was quick deeded over to a "friend" (who lives in the house with his girlfriend), so that his then or maybe still wife cannot get half when the supposed divorce is final. Huh. The farm his dead grandfather left him in the mid west somewhere, well, that is all I know. There is also a cabin somewhere, not sure where. His biological father, who spent most of the intruder's life in prison died two years ago, March. Then it came out that he didn't actually just die, he was murdered. Huh.

The word "creepy" seems to fit more and more. We had a gentle chat with Jen last night. We explained about how her focus needs to be about defining her 'core family' with her and her son. We added that outside influences such as the intruder has to offer will make that defining process quite difficult and fragmented. The time she is spending with the intruder, his daughter, and the big German shepherd is time taken away from rebuilding her core strength with and for her son. We spoke of the energy and time and money it takes to involve with one such as the intruder. we spoke of how difficult it is to maintain her responsibilities and priorities while being divided by someone that is quite broken. We talked about how sensitive her son is to 'rough-play' given their history with her abusive "X". We spoke of patterns of her "fixing" a man and about the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The same is true for me, so it seems. I am doing the same thing too by saving her, again. Do I just say "no"? I have been told that is exactly what I need to do. That for her to be motivated to change I must stop rescuing. Where do I draw the line? Is there a line? When her little boy asks to sleep here and says the intruder is mean to his Mommy, what the fuck do I do?

The intruder is not a good choice. A choice I do not wish to support. I don't know how to separate it all, or how to not be involved.. Honestly? I am scared for her and her son and fear prompts some unexpected reactions. We ended by telling her that there is NO more money to be given. We also told her that we are NOT her solution to her baby-sitting crisis. I/we feel quite confident when we say it, until she is crying at our door with her son at her side and no where else to turn.

Perhaps we should move far away. Any thoughts readers?



Anonymous said...

For me, you cannot give up on your daughter. Sure, the wisest thing to do would be to let her work it out herself, but you're her Mum (sorry, Mom) and I can't see how you can do anything other than what you are currently doing.

After all, you tell her to spend time with her son and help him - you are only doing the same thing (different scale, maybe).

I do hope it works out well in the end. Your description of the intruder made me feel he was very, very creepy and completely untrustworthy.

Gail said...

Hi Anonymous-

Giving up> Oh gosh no, actually quite the opposite. I am encouraging her to make different choices by my choice to not continuing to fix her mistakes. One of us had to begin to do something differently to stop the insanity and that someone is me.

Is this "J"?


Comrade Kevin said...

Tough love I think is in need here--this guy sounds very dangerous.