Sunday, June 13, 2010

Lollipop and orange - "Chance" and Mom



I was inspired to write about the necklace pictured below.







It really does look like one of those swirled colored lollipops, doesn't it? It is a glass type stone and the chain is orange ribbons and orange string. It is a fun, summer time accent piece. It was a gift a year ago this August from my dear friend Dale, who is from "down-under" and a wonderful 'mate' - and dear, trusted friend.

I was reading Grizz's blog over at "Riverdaze" and he wrote of orange lilies and his fondness of the color orange and I was inspired. I commented to him how I wore the above pictured necklace and also a bright orange shirt - it was a fun, summery, and wild look and I loved it. :-)

I wore such fun colors to go and visit my Mom - to brighten her day. it worked. I too needed brightening. My last post spoke of my new grandson,n "Damian Chance" - and my struggle with 'my place' in his life - in my daughter's life - and I was broken hearted - and I still am. The reality is harsh and unwelcome. Her life and all of it's unsettling details are complicated, desperate, and heart wrenching in their intent for her and her children. And now this little guy, born unto, into - chaos, and rift, confusion and anger - and so I remain calm, loving from afar.

And then she called - yesterday,(she actually called her sister first and when Jen didn't pick up she called me), ....................she was.crying .......so hard........sobbing. I remained still and listened, waited. And I hear these muffled words - barely recognizable - partly due to her emotional state and partly due to my resistance. And she says" Mom, it's his heart, there's something wrong with his little heart....................." I froze, silenced by shock and fear - torn by my own sense of place and purpose and in a second I am screaming inside-

"God, is this how you bring her to me, is this how? You give this innocent child a bad heart so she will need me?, NO NO NO!!!"

I scream in silence. I cry out loud. Time passed and she spoke, telling me that one of his heart valves is enlarged and they have called in a pediatric cardiologist specialist from Buffalo Children's Hospital. I tell her I love her and that I will pray and to call me when she knows what is next.

As planned, I went to my Mom's wearing the bright orange shirt and the bright stone/glass colored lollipop necklace. I don't want to burden her - I hold it all in. Later, I call my daughter - and he answers, the baby's father. I was paralyzed for a moment. I ask for my daughter. She explains that he will be seen on the outside and monitored weekly for a year to see if his little body is growing in to his enlarged valve. He will require special care and medicines....until it is determined if he needs heart valve surgery or not. I was relieved and also filled with fear and restless projections. Her/their/his life is all so complicated. I still don't know where I fit in - if at all. I know that my love cannot be stopped - nor my prayers rejected. Both are mine to give and so I will. I hope to meet him one day - and hold him and sing to him and cradle him in my arms. If only in my dreams.

Meanwhile I will wear that lollipop stone/glass brightly swirled-colored necklace to cheer me - everyone who sees it comments in the happiest of ways.
And now, I have another reason to wear it. My Mom took a turn for the worse - she is headed to Yale Hospital - via ambulance. I will wear the brightly swirled/colored glass/stone lollipop necklace to go be with her. Everyone who sees it comments in the happiest of ways.




24 comments:

The-Grizzled-But-Still-Incorrigible-Scribe-Himself! said...

A lovely, poignant post…so heartbreakingly honest, filled with love and doubt, fear, joy, truth, and courage. In spite of what we us like to believe, life controls us most of the time; we can only make the best of a given moment.

Your life isn't easy at the moment, on several fronts. Yet you're also being blessed, even amidst the turmoil. Still, none of us know what the future holds. But I do know life is not meaningless; there's a purpose, a reason for what you're going through, a plan already in place. Your prayers will be heard—though we don't always get what we pray for because we're not in charge of tomorrow.

If my lily post inspired you even a smidgen to write this—and write it so well—them I'm thankful and humbly honored, though I believe the credit is yours alone. That's a lovely necklace.

Gail said...

HI BRIZ-

You did inspire me with all the wonder of the orange lilies. Te picture doesn't really do the necklace justice -it is so mch more vibrant in person!!
And oh yes Grizz - I know each moment has meaning beyond measure - and yes, I am blessed. Yesterday, my son came home - he surprised me. I was so delighted. He went and spent time with my Mom-his Gram. :-)It was good he came. Yes, good indeed.

I love you Grizz - "thank you" for your love and kindness and support.
Gail
peace and hope

Gail said...

oops - so sorry about your name mis-spelled it is not Briz' geesh "GRIZZ"

Shen said...

When I read the words, "it's his heart" I believe mine skipped a beat. My prayers are with you and the little one with such a journey ahead.

there are no easy lives.
I don't know why - I guess we are not meant to understand it. we just have to assume there is a plan and a resolution somewhere in all of this.

Peace

PS
I love the orange necklace. I think I may get myself something today to wear on vacation - something bright to remind me of you and of being cheerful when things really are not.

Gail said...

HI SHEN-

Thank you so much for your prayers and understanding. ANd I love that you are going to get a bright-fun necklace and wear it to cheer you too :-) let's spread some joy amidst the darkness. Have a wonderful vacation.

Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Bernie said...

Oh but you are having a very hard time right now Gail, so much sorrow surrounding you but you must know that all will work out okay. There are lessons being taught here, pain being felt but in some way I know that all will work out the way it is suppose to. Life can be very hard at times but it is oh so worth what we go through. I am praying for you and all of your family Gail, God Bless you all at this time especially.
I think your necklace is very pretty.......:-) Hugs

Gail said...

HI BERNIE

You are such a pillar of strength and wealth of wisdom-love-and compassion. Thank you for sharing it all with me.


I am just waiting to hear that they have a bed at Yale so I can meet her at the hospital. My Sister is still at the clinic waiting with her. I will take over once she is transported and give my Sis a little space to regroup. I

just got the call - Mom is on her way to Yale. So here I go.

Love you
Gail
peace and hope......

Choices said...

Hi Gail,
That must have been sor hard to hear those words from your daughter. But, she has reached out to you for comfort and love. You have so much of that to give and she knows that.
The necklace is so very pretty with such beautiful colors. I remember that song. One of my favorites.
Be strong and take care.

Cinner said...

Gail, what sad times. I am glad she called you and told you about his little heart. you know you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad your son came home. God has a plan for everything. I love your necklace and glad you like the bright colors of it. always a fun feel good piece. I am praying for your Mom, Chance, you, your daughter for pain free days ahead. take care.

Tramp said...

Gail
As you know I'm more of a listener than a talker, but be assured I am listening...Tramp

Diana said...

Oh Gail you certainly have your plate full right now. I wish so much that I could be there to help you in some way, if for nothing else than to just listen. I know that you have Skip but the more the better I say!
I will pray hard for your new little grandson and your mom. I wish I could do more. I loved your orange necklace.
Love Di ♥

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Gail...I'm so sorry...I will hold you in my prayers...and your Mom and grandson as well!!! Love you! Janine XO

Wanda said...

This time in your life with your mom reminds me of a time in mine with my mother.

My thoughts are with you Gail...
Here are just a few lines from a lengthy poem my g/daughter Amanda composed after my mother's passing. It comforted me...

"There's something to understand of Nature,
That there's beauty in sadness too,
When Nature takes it's course in life
There's beauty in seeing it through."

Have said a prayer for your g/son.

♥...Wanda

Gail said...

HI CINNER-

I so love that you are glad with me and sad with me and feel what I feel. SHaring wit yo is a precious gift.

HI ANNE-CHOICES

I am so happy you like the song and the necklace. And my daughter is reaching to me and in that I find hope. "thank you" for your gentle understanding

HI TRAMP

Knowing that you are listening and that you hear me means SO much. I am so glad to see you. :-)

HI DIANA

I feel you close to me and I feel you prayers and love from afar. "thank you" my dear friend.

HI JANINE-

I so love your heart and all the love you send out from it. I am so lucky to be one of those who receive such a gift. -)

HI WANDA-

Oh my - the poem is so beautiful. "thank you" for sharing it with me. I would love to be able to read it in its entirety.


Thank you all

Love Gail
peace and hope.......

Teresa said...

Hi Gail,
I am so sorry to hear of all your sorrows and pain, only you know it's depth. It is so hard to be so far away from those you love when they are going through difficult times. My prayers are with your daughter and her family, and for you, and your mom.

Keep on wearing your happy colors, and I hope they continue to brighten your days, and the days of your mom. ((((BIG HUGS))) T

Eileen said...

Oh, Gail, when I read that your daughter said, "It's his heart..." I too was was saying, "No, no, no".
I'm so sorry, Gail.

I know you must feel so helpless. Helpless to change your Mom's situation, helpless to be so far away from your daughter and grandson, and then to have had that horrible feeling of estrangement, and to have the whole situation swirling around in your mind and in your heart. I'm sure it must feel hard to even breathe sometimes.

I wish I had some words of wisdom, Gail.
'Thinking of you with love and prayers,
Eileen

Gail said...

HI TERESA

thank you so much for your kind words and concern. ANd yes, I will continue to wear bright colors :-)

Love to you
Gail
peace.....

Gail said...

HI EILEEN-

I so appreciate how you mirror back to me what you heard and felt - it is so right on. And I know your heart knows mine and in that Ifind such comfort.
Love to you
Gail
peace and hope.....

Wonderingsoul said...

Oh Gail...

I've only just read your post here and I feel absolutley heart broken on a whole number of counts.
Firstly, the way you write of the agony and uncertainty of your daughter's life choices... of the pain in the space between you... Such terrible loss. I can feel it when I read your words.

Second, like someone else said, I think I felt my heart skip a beat too when I read about baby Damian.
What a horrible shock... and then the feelings of helplessness and yet your determination and trust which allow you to keep going in spite of the pain you are in.
And now Gail... your mum. I'm so sorry that there are so many painful things going on at once.
It feels like such a lot for you to have to cope with.

Please know I am here Gail, and that you are very much in my heart.
Keep wearing your beautiful, orange necklace.

Love
xxx

Gail said...

HI WONDERINGSOUL-

oh my little brave one - who is no stranger to courage as you face challenges and obstacles that are unimaginable. I SO appreciate your words of understanding and love and comfort. YOU are so precious in my heart - and every word you wrote is so true about what I am going through. And yes, I will wear bright colors. :-)

Love to you my very brave friend
Gail
peace and hope.....

Teacher's Pet said...

Gail...my heart froze when I read about your grandson....and I pray and pray that his little body will heal....that his heart will be fine. I send you warmest hugs....wishing I could give them to you myself.
Love,
Jackie

Gail said...

HI JACKIE

So nice to see you. Yes, my heart froze too. He wet to the doctor and he is holding his own - each day is precious as is the same with my Mom.

love to you
Gail
peace and hope

Just Be Real said...

HI Gail, thanks for your recent comment on my post of encouragement. Always can use that! Love those lollipop charms. Thank you for sharing dear one.

Gail said...

HI JBR

oh you are so very welcome. I understand your struggles and I applaud your journey.

Love to you
Gail
peace an dhope.....