Sunday, June 13, 2010
I was inspired to write about the necklace pictured below.
It really does look like one of those swirled colored lollipops, doesn't it? It is a glass type stone and the chain is orange ribbons and orange string. It is a fun, summer time accent piece. It was a gift a year ago this August from my dear friend Dale, who is from "down-under" and a wonderful 'mate' - and dear, trusted friend.
I was reading Grizz's blog over at "Riverdaze" and he wrote of orange lilies and his fondness of the color orange and I was inspired. I commented to him how I wore the above pictured necklace and also a bright orange shirt - it was a fun, summery, and wild look and I loved it. :-)
I wore such fun colors to go and visit my Mom - to brighten her day. it worked. I too needed brightening. My last post spoke of my new grandson,n "Damian Chance" - and my struggle with 'my place' in his life - in my daughter's life - and I was broken hearted - and I still am. The reality is harsh and unwelcome. Her life and all of it's unsettling details are complicated, desperate, and heart wrenching in their intent for her and her children. And now this little guy, born unto, into - chaos, and rift, confusion and anger - and so I remain calm, loving from afar.
And then she called - yesterday,(she actually called her sister first and when Jen didn't pick up she called me), ....................she was.crying .......so hard........sobbing. I remained still and listened, waited. And I hear these muffled words - barely recognizable - partly due to her emotional state and partly due to my resistance. And she says" Mom, it's his heart, there's something wrong with his little heart....................." I froze, silenced by shock and fear - torn by my own sense of place and purpose and in a second I am screaming inside-
"God, is this how you bring her to me, is this how? You give this innocent child a bad heart so she will need me?, NO NO NO!!!"
I scream in silence. I cry out loud. Time passed and she spoke, telling me that one of his heart valves is enlarged and they have called in a pediatric cardiologist specialist from Buffalo Children's Hospital. I tell her I love her and that I will pray and to call me when she knows what is next.
As planned, I went to my Mom's wearing the bright orange shirt and the bright stone/glass colored lollipop necklace. I don't want to burden her - I hold it all in. Later, I call my daughter - and he answers, the baby's father. I was paralyzed for a moment. I ask for my daughter. She explains that he will be seen on the outside and monitored weekly for a year to see if his little body is growing in to his enlarged valve. He will require special care and medicines....until it is determined if he needs heart valve surgery or not. I was relieved and also filled with fear and restless projections. Her/their/his life is all so complicated. I still don't know where I fit in - if at all. I know that my love cannot be stopped - nor my prayers rejected. Both are mine to give and so I will. I hope to meet him one day - and hold him and sing to him and cradle him in my arms. If only in my dreams.
Meanwhile I will wear that lollipop stone/glass brightly swirled-colored necklace to cheer me - everyone who sees it comments in the happiest of ways.
And now, I have another reason to wear it. My Mom took a turn for the worse - she is headed to Yale Hospital - via ambulance. I will wear the brightly swirled/colored glass/stone lollipop necklace to go be with her. Everyone who sees it comments in the happiest of ways.
Posted by Gail at 4:20 PM