Thursday, June 10, 2010

"CHANCE"

"DAMIAN CHANCE" - Born June 9th 3:30 a.m. six pounds one ounce............................

Baby and Mom are both doing well!- "thank you God".

I am struggling though- and please, I know all the things I am suppose to be feeling/saying - like- "it's a new healthy life", and "I have a new grandson", and "such is the cycle and miracle of life", and so forth..... And yes, all that is true. It is. And yet, I can't stop crying - it is the distance, that I am so far from her/them, that I wont know this child - that I am not in her/their lives, my heart is broken - she didn't call me when she went to the hospital - that speaks volumes to me -
I was explaining to my husband that I wished I could say that it was intentional - that there is some strong emotion over whatever that made her choose not to call. At least if that were true we could work on the "whatever". I don't believe that is the case. I have become an after thought, my purpose in her life has become one of indifference - over time - I lost my place and this birth crystallized how much that reality hurts. Like I said - I can't stop crying.

And so I hope and I wish and I love from afar - I send gifts and flowers and I call - I keep it open and alive - on this side of nowhere. And this song continues to speak for me - sing my heart - and still - I can't stop crying.







21 comments:

Bernie said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Hopefully before too much time passes you daughter will see your heart and feel your love and reach out to you in kindness and caring.....congratulations on the birth of a beautiful grandson my friend, may God Bless him always.
Keeping you in my heart and prayers.......:-) Hugs

Gail said...

Oh Bernie-

I too hope she will find her way to me - meanwhile I place her and her children in God's hands.

Bernie -I emailed you last week with an update on my Mom. Did you get it? If not i can re-send it.

Thank you Bernie for your kindness and love and care.

Love Gail
peace and hope.....

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Gail...I'm so sorry...I don't know what to say...can I just sit here with you, and offer you a shoulder? Love you...my heart is with you! Janine XO

P.S. BTW, congratulations on your new grandson!

Cinner said...

Gail, I hope she finds her way back to you. I can imagine how this has hurt you, you are a great person with a new grandchild...nothing your daughter says or does can ever take that away. I hope that one day her heart will open to you. Your relationship with your Mom is so special, so I know you would like that with your daughter too. I hope your Mom is peaceful, I was saddened by your email. know I am thinking about you always, and if you need to cry , cry. May your days be much happier ahead. love to you. cindy

Finding Pam said...

Oh Gail, I don't know what has come between you and your daughter, nor do I need to know, but I am so sad that she has shut you out. I will be praying for her heart to soften.

Little babies can build bridges from one generation to the other. I hope this sweet baby will build you a bridge through love.

Love and Peace,
Pam

Teacher's Pet said...

Gail...loving your grandchild from afar IS love...and many children don't get any love at all.
Blessings to you, your daughter and your grandchild. I hope that one day...soon...you will be able to hold and hug your grandson..and until then, may I send my congratulations to you on the birth of Damian Chance.
Hugs to you, Gail.
Love,
Jackie

Gail said...

HI JANINE-

thanks for your shared understanding. And oh yes, to just sit and "be" with you means SO much to me. I feel you close.

hicin-

i hope so too Cin, I hope she opes her heart in truth and love for me and all her family that sits in waiting for her/their return. My Mom is very weak Cin, so tired. I/we hold her up as best we can. She has a long ways to go. thank you SO much for your friendship and love and sisterhood.

HI PAM_

Yes, the reasons for her distance are very complicated and multi-layered. And I too pray for her heart to soften. I agree, babies can and do build bridges - I don't knw if the bridge will hold me.

HI JACKIE _

"Thank you" for the congratulations :-) I cry every time someone says or writes it. I will hold him one day, if only in my heart.


I love and need you ALL
Love Gail
peace and hope

Shen said...

I don't believe we, as mothers, are ever truly left behind. People in that stage of life - the one where they are creating life and learning how to care for it - are deeply entrenched in the "real world". Every day life is what is most important. It has to be that way, otherwise we would not be able to put our own thoughts and feelings aside in order to bring the new life up in the best possible way.

It isn't about you... it can't be about you, right now.

Eventually, when the hardest work is done, we are able to be open to the other side of life. The spiritual can be as important as the concrete. Feelings can be given the same weight as objects. In time, she will feel grateful for what you have given her - just as you have felt gratitude in your life.

Right now, she has a very important job to do. Don't step back. She may be too engrossed in what she has to do right now to realize all the support that is around her. Make known your desire to be a part of their lives and then wait for the opportunity.

It is a joyous thing... a new life... and in my experience the most joyful things are the very same things that can bring the most pain. If we had nothing to lose, it would not be so hard, would it?

peace Gail

PS, when my first grandchild appears, please remind me what I told you here. Aren't we wise when we are looking in from the outside?

Diana said...

And Gail this is all that you can do. We as mom's do all that we can do. Sometimes it may not seem or feel like enough. But it is all that we can do.
And we never give up. I don't think that you would. Distance makes things a bit more complicated. But it by no means takes away ant of the love and joy that you are entitled to feel.
You can be an excellent grandma from afar. There are many ways. My own grandmother proved this to me.
Just never give up. I know you won't.
Congratulations Grandma! I am so happy and proud for you.
Love Di ♥

Lola said...

Hi Gail,
a new life is always good news :)

I'm sorry you feel like that though.

My love

Just Be Real said...

Gail, sorry for your struggles dear one. Praying for your family. ((((Gail))))

Gail said...

HI SHEN-

"Thank you" for taking the time to write and share on such sensitive matters of the heart and of life's purpose and intents. I appreciate your wisdom sovery much.

HI DIANA-

Oh yes, I have learned quite well how to be a loving Gram from a distance. I ill find my way. "thank you" for your support and understanding.

HI LOLA-

yes, a new life - a trul celebratio, regardless. :-)

Hi "Just Be Real"

"thank you" for your prayers.

Love to you ALL
Gail
peace and hope

Choices said...

Gail,
Just continue to be the loving caring Mom that you are. In time, she will come around. Just keep that candle in the window!
Congratulations on your new grandson.
Take care and smile.

Gail said...

HI ANNE-

"thank you" and yes, I will keep the candle of light and love to guide her home bright in the window.

Love to you
Gail'
peace and hope.....

Whitemist said...

Very difficult, sometimes i think that is the way my mom feels because many times she does not understand what has gone on with me.
Peace Gail
and hugs
and much love!
Joey

Gail said...

HI WHITEMIST

Thanks for your love and support. And I am sorry that your Mom doesn't "get you". sigh........

love you man
Gail
peace and hope.....

Eileen said...

Oh, yes, Gail, I know that feeling, that feeling of being almost an afterthought in your child's life.
And I so agree that a 'purposeful' action would almost be better, because as you said, that would be something to work through, to get beyond. But this distancing from you as a way of life is something altogether different. We are in the midst of a similar situation with our youngest son, he is so far removed from the family emotionally, even though he lives only a few blocks away from us it is the rare occasion when we see him. There was no fight, no hard feelings, it's just that we've been put on the shelf.

I applaud your positive attitude and your positive pro-active stance and reaching out in spite of what must feel like futile efforts sometimes. It hurts the heart to be rebuffed by your very own.

And I'm so sorry that this blemish has to spoil this most joyful event, this sadness of heart is a heavy burden to carry. I pray that it will be lifted soon.
God Bless Damian.
God Bless his Mom.
And God Bless his Grandma.
Love to you, Gail,
Eileen

Wanda said...

Gail, I wish I had words of comfort for you, just have faith that your daughter's mothering instinct for Damian Chance will soften her outlook and her indifference will change to a need for sharing!

Congratulations on your new grandchild, Gail!
♥...Wanda

Gail said...

HI WANDA-

thank you for your understanding and support. I see glimpses of her softened heart - I hang on to those moments - like this morning, she called me. :-)

Love to you Wanda and thank you for sharing your lovely natureland with me.
Gail
peace and hope.....

HI EILEEN-

Oh my, I didn't know about your son being so close yet so far. As Mom's are hearts carry heavy burdens at times.

She called me today.............I maintained my 'cool' althogh I did point out some potential for disaster which at first she became defensive about and then softened once she realized I wasn't pointing fingers - it is all so sensitive. Her lil baby has a heart problem - enlarged valve. I was so sasd and scared to hear of this and so torn because I feel I have no place - it is an awful feeling of unimportance that brings me to my knees. Oh I have gone on so much here.

Pray for lil Damian. For all of them because it is a very volatile situation.

Love to you
Gail
hope and peace.....

molly said...

Hi Gail. Congratulations on your new grandson. That is fabulous. I am so happy that Mom and child are healthy.

I wish for healing in your heart. I don't think that their not calling was intentional or personal. Really.

I have not had children of my own, but can imagine how overwhelming the experience of going into birth must be.

Did they call you as soon as baby was born?

peace and love to you.

Gail said...

HI MOLLY-

thanks SO much for your kind words of support and encouragement. Also, a forum such as this leaves so much to be assumed - let it suffice to say it is complicated. I remain loving and non-judging in the hope she will find her way home.

love Gail
peace and hope.....