Saturday, February 13, 2010
I went to the hair dresser yesterday and my new color is 'mocha' and it is very rich and sensual, I think. And I had my nails done as pictured above. Wild huh? This is me coming back in to myself, on firmer ground and in touch with my, shall we say, sensual self. I was commenting over at "whitemists' blog and I shared that when my husband Skipp came home last night I was asleep with Gracey-Blue' curled up at my side. I felt Skipp take my hand from under the covers so he could 'see' my nails. I heard him softly and happily say, "You are a wild thing". I drifted off to sleep feeling so adored. :-)
I am finding my center again - and have adjusted to some of the changes and I am less unsettled by the changes yet to happen. I found my place and strength and footing. Amen. And so, my playful, sensual, rebellious, high spirited self takes the lead!! I find myself daring and quick witted where before I would have leaned toward caution and observing. I am very much in tune with "Annie", the kid in me. I remember when feeling anything from that time in my life was horrifying - and I did all I could to escape any memory or feelings - and now, it is fun, and spirited, playful and even risky. As in NO fear.
I am comfortable asking for what I need as a fully alive sexual being - where before I was disgusted by those wants and desires and feelings. Anything associated with the teacher or the priests(s) I deemed immoral, evil, wrong and disgusting - I saw myself that way. Not any more.!!!! I celebrate those feelings now and have for a long time because to do otherwise empowers my abusers and dis empowers me. They had enough of me - I choose NOT to give any of my power to them. I remember those feelings well - and if I choose I can feel them again as they are part of me. And truth be told? When I am feeling like this, alive and in touch with my feminine and sensual side, I do think of them - because no matter how much I wish it were not true, they influenced my sexuality - and in order for me NOT to respond to their evil doings I must be aware of it so I can choose a healthier path - away from what they did. I am okay with the crossroad - it is my road to cross to goodness or to evil - I choose goodness.
And so I am happy to report that I (and Annie) are going to go out today and be young at heart, free, playful and so alive. The woman I am is going to ravish Skipp later - I have plans that will rock his world. And to think, there was a time I would have thought this evil - now it is nothing short of glorious and a celebration of love and my womanhood!! For anyone who knows of the agony and despair and pain of the healing journey from sexual abuse you know the miracle of this - I am filled with gratitude and thrilled that I am proudly, happily and now naturally, a "Wild Thing"!!!
Posted by Gail at 10:37 AM