No more "if onlys" -

I was really awakened by what he said.

I watched as his wheel-chair van pulled down the road and parked on a wide curve so he could open the large side door and lower the electric lift and ramp. It was our Christmas visit actually. He rolled up in his wheelchair and sat outside my front door - unable anymore to come in for coffee - He was so excited to meet Gracey-Blue. She adored him. He is a big man, very big - full beard and Santa Claus blue eyes - we exchanged the simplest of gifts - I brought him a steaming mug of coffee. I wedged open my outer storm door door and sat on the bottom stair so we could visit. We spoke from our heats for over an hour.

I was, in what I named, my "if only" mood. I was wishing whatever were different. Such a waste of energy but I gave in and was wallowing. Ick! And so I said, "this damn disease we have, it is so limiting at times - if only we didn't have MS, huh? You would be able to just walk in and have coffee with me"!!!! .......................................He paused and said, "If I never got diagnosed with M S I never would have met you............" I was so stunned and awakened by the strength of his words, attitude, accepting nature and seeing the gift in our disease that I just sighed in awe. And so it was true - he was a machine repair man and mechanic at their family business for years - after he was diagnosed with M S he went back to school to become a drug and alcohol counselor. He did his internship at my work and was under my supervision for two full semesters. My agency hired him as a per Diem counselor and two years later I was diagnosed with M S. We have been friends for years now and he is 100% right - if he never got MS we never would have met. In his heart - I am one of the gifts he received because he got MS. Wow!!
That snapped me right out of the "if only" mood I was in.

I am thinking today of the many gifts I have received that would not be mine to cherish were it not for some tragic event. My whole chosen field of work is an outcome to tragedy - my surrender and drive to turn tragedy in to triumph and I have. There is no triumph in "if only", only despair. I am glad I was awakened in a day to the gifts I have been given - regardless of their origins - actually in honor of their origins. It wasn't always that way - but it has been for a long time. The other day was a set back of sorts - driven by current events all around me where I have felt my life shifting - I am getting steady, firm, on solid ground once again - Amen!

I am going to bundle up and take Gracey-Blue out for a romp in the yard. I will take my cane for balance and watch her puppy frolic with joy and elation - as I feel the gift of my strength to be outside in nature - to feel, see, breathe, hear, touch, smell, taste and move - I am alive and there is hope. Let's all begin....continue.......to hope.