Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunsets are beautiful - I was looking out our front picture window on to this glorious view of the day's end - I went upstairs and took these pictures from our upper deck - off our master bedroom. Again, it was heaven on earth. Cinner wrote of sunrises and sunsets so I am even more keenly aware - given her tribute. Thanks Cinner.
Today was a beautiful day. I visited with my Mom and Sis - we seem to stay quite close in October and November as it is a time of great loss and also celebration - births and deaths - it is all so bittersweet as they topple into one another. We do our best to separate the events so each gets it's "due proper" :-), no easy task at times. And as we pull up and over honored dates we then begin making plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas and how we will carry on family tradition, time honored loving traditions - and honor those present and those who have passed on. One of our family fun traditions is that on Christmas Eve we all play 'Yahtzee'. There are game cards still in the box from when my Dad was alive 25 Christmas's ago - and as recent as last year when my sister's husband sat at the table with his oxygen tank in tow and played Yahtzee for the last time. There is a lot of meaning in Yahtzee for our family. :-).
And so too, October Marches to an end - colorful, emotional, powerful, ever-changing, ever vigilant, relentless in memory, raging details come alive, gentle wisdom of healing defines, they all swirl and sway and erupt at any given moment - such is October. My being one with the universe the other day while surrounded by the rain and wind and colorful blowing leaves - standing on a blanket of gold and reds and brown and cranberry - chilled and damp - empowered and surrendered at once - it was a perfect experience to define October. I did feel the presence of God - He reminded me that he protected me back then - guided me on how to survive - I didn't know it then but I do now and have for quite some time. The force of the uncontrollable combined with surrender to trusting the outcomes was only known when I realized I wasn't alone - not for one second of any of it - I was not alone. I believe God doesn't prevent tragedy nor does He cause it - - but rather he was there with me to help me through it - to survive. It is amazing to me that as I remember times in my life that are some of my "It's" I see them as opportunity to be ever grateful that I was protected and loved - that knowledge and wisdom, over time, has become greater than the tragedies - and it is from that place that I can feel the joy and hope of a sunrise - the gentle gratitude and peace at sunset - hope most days and love every moment. Some irony - when the priest was leading up to the 'finale' - conditioning me to experience his desired effect - to trust him and his his plan - he found a song that, in his mind, defined the moment of desired freedom'. As you all know, this was very far from the truth - and how he hurt me in the name of Jesus is unimaginable - - but at the time - I was in over my head - in his Jesus - his priestly garb, his invading every area of my life - holy water and blessings, words of love and promises and so I was his - and this is the song
his favorite line for me "..............to taste the sweet I faced the pain". Sick bastard. He actually found a song that validated his hurting me so that I could be free. My God!! And so I share this with you my trusted friends because this is part of me - part of my truth - and also for you to know how far I have traveled on my way to you.........and traveled far I have. Far indeed.
Posted by Gail at 6:16 PM