THE KID IN ME

Hi, my name is Annie. Yes- Annie. She is me, the kid in me. Every adult should name the kid in them. The professionals refer to that as the 'inner child'. I like, - 'the kid in me'. Now that I have freed her to "be" that part of me is alive and vibrant and strong and loud and rebellious and a trouble maker, playful and a fighter and scared and courageous and cautious and brave and to think I tried to keep the kid in me hidden because she is a wounded kid too. No one can see or know of the wound, the "it", right? Shudder at the thought. Fooey.


I was prompted to think of fathers and play by my brother-in-law. I always liked to play even when I was being wounded. My father never knew of the wounding. No one did but me and the teacher. I played my best soft ball amidst the wounding. My Dad taught me how to pitch. Also, my Dad made me a rope maker out of a spool with four nails through which I could strand a rope of yarn. I made it very long so I could wrap it around myself. I felt that my Dad was holding me after the teacher wounded me. That rope yarn I made were my Dad's arms.

Years later I burned that yarn rope with a priest. We were outside and he lit the thing on fire as I clung to his leg watching it go up in flames - watching my father's arms burn away. That priest saved me. In many ways he saved me. He was a father of sorts. I trusted him and so did Annie. He was the very first person ever to know of one of my "It'S". . He stood on the altar, telling of his childhood trauma. I believed I saw him looking at me. He asked people, stuck in silence to find their voice and to find him. I went to the church when I was sure he wasn't there. I went on Monday's. Who goes to church on Monday. I would sit in the pew and wonder who this 'father' was asking me to tell. How did he know.

I would leave the church and run to my car. One Monday I ran right into the priest, literally ran into him. I hear his voice, "Where are you running to, slow down". I can't look up and I find myself staring at his sandals and his toes and the bottoms of his frayed jeans. His toes began to take on the shape of alien animals and I can't breathe. He introduces himself, "Hi, my name is James". I think, James? Who the fuck is James? I was raised strict catholic Italian and no one I knew ever called a priest by their first name. By now I am almost passing out. Then I hear, "I have seen you here the past few Mondays and I thought I would wait for you to see if you needed anything". "What's your name?" I am thinking, 'seen me here, what?" I try to lift my head up and I swear it weighed 1000 pounds, really, at least 1000 pounds. Eventually I get my head up enough to look at him and I squeak out, "Gail, my name is Gail." He replies, while extending what looked like a catchers mitt for a hand, "Nice to finally meet you, so what's got you all rattled and upset?" My hand in his fit like a tiny wet dish rag and slid out easily. He asks again, "Do you need anything?", I answer, "nah, I'm good". He says something like, "You could of fooled me.". I made a weird squeaky laugh like when someone is really nervous. Then he says, "Why don't you call the church office and ask for me and we will set up a time to talk?" "Sound okay to you?" I answer, "Sure, I'll call, you, definitely", and I slid past him. And so I had another 'father'. And for a time, there was play.
My brother-in-law also spoke of paths and journeys; regardless of how I thought this ended it is a journey. It is where I met Annie. James found her. He dug up the grave I had her buried in. He did. Isn't that what father's do?

More on this as the journey continues. Mean while, name the kid in you and come over and play with Annie.

Gail
Peace to fathers everywhere.

"Over The Fence"

I am sure you are wondering what the title means.

"Over The Fence" poses the question as to who in your world is an "Over The Fence Person and who isn't, and are you an "Over The Fence Person Yourself?" Serious questions to consider.

Let me take you back. When I was five, yes five, a few decades ago (or s0), I would wait to go in to my kindergarten class with my class mates in a small fenced in area outside the door. The fence was pretty high given we were all five. I could probably rest my chin on the top, maybe.

I would often wonder how I would get over the fence if say a big thing fell out of the sky or maybe a bad storm just came right to where we were all waiting or maybe a big monster would happen by and jump in. I just knew that I had to be sure I could get out and over that fence if I had to.

I was chubby. So jumping or climbing over on my own probably wouldn't be something I could do. At five years old this was a huge dilemma. As a side note; besides chubby I was quite adorable. I had long dark wavy hair to my waist, the brightest blue eyes and rosy cheeks. I just thought you all should know that.

I began to look around at my classmates, all five years old just like me and I was sizing them up to figure out who amongst them I could count on to help me "Over The Fence" in the event I needed to get over. Even at five it wasn't that hard to figure out. The kids who smiled a lot, and the one's who shared their snack, the one's who didn't call me names or make fun of one kid who had a weird eye that rolled around, the one's who spoke softly and didn't stick their tongues out. Get the idea?

I felt so much safer knowing who I could count on if I needed to get over that fence in a hurry. I knew who would reach back and help me over to safety and never leave me behind to face the danger alone. I was no longer scared inside that fenced in area at five years old once I figured it out in my mind.

Since then, I put everyone that comes in to my life inside that fenced in kindergarten area with me. I have been doing this for decades and it has never been wrong. I figure out rather quickly if they would hop the fence and keep going or if they would reach back and help me "Over The Fence". If they would go on without me I don't allow that person too close to me. If I intuitively know they would help me "Over The Fence" then that person is someone I would allow in my life more closely. Thus the term "Over The Fence".

I challenge you to look at the people in your lives and put them in that fenced in area with you. If there were an event that dictated you getting out of that fenced in area would they go over the fence and leave you behind or would they reach back and help you to safety. You already know which people in your life would go on without you and which one's would never leave you behind. Get rid of the one's that would go on without you and hang on tightly to the one's that would never leave you behind and that are truly "Over The Fence" people. And by the way, which one are you?

The Journey from Acceptance to Surrender

Hi to all who find their way here..

The journey from acceptance to surrender. It can be long or short, depending on what it is one is dealing with. Winning the lotto? Pretty quick journey! Being betrayed by someone you love? A longer and more difficult journey. Agreed?

For the sake of this writing let's all agree that acceptance happens in our heads. It is a conflict of thoughts; bargaining, arguing, angering, resisting, denying, fighting, wishing, praying, begging, raging - getting the picture? It is pure chaos!

So what of surrender then? It happens deep inside. It is a total experience and captures our essence and core. It is: a relief, peaceful, hopeful, freeing, pure, cleansing, and has a new direction. New direction? Yes. A new direction. Stay with me here.

So what is the problem?

ANGER AND FEAR are the blocks that keep people stuck in the chaos of acceptance. It is so hard to break through those two emotions and on to surrender. Anger at whomever or whatever. Fear of the unknown. And so people run, from themselves, going to great lengths to separate themselves from themselves, up to and including death. Yes death. I see it all the time. Sad huh? Very sad, indeed.

So okay, you stop running, you face "IT", whatever it is and you stand naked right in "IT". Now what? It is you and "IT", the very "IT" or "IT's" you have spent a life time hiding.
Guess what? "It" never goes away. "IT" is part of you, part of the fabric of your design, that which defines you. Hah! It is yours to hold on to, not let go of. And how do you respond? You can never change the meaning of your "it's" but you CAN add another meaning to "IT".

For example: MADD - do you think the horror and tragedy for those Mom's and Dad's that lost their children to drunk drivers will ever go away? Never. not in a million years. And so they created MADD to add another meaning to their tragic losses. Never ever disregarding the original horror, if they did there would be no MADD, right?

And so the challenge for all of us is to honor our truths for what they are and then add another meaning to them to bring purpose and light to our truths, our "It's" never possible had these IT's not occurred.

Over time I will write of my "IT's", over time..............mean while, let's honor all of our truths and "IT's and begin to find ways to add another meaning to their existence.

Gail
Peace and truth..............

Introduction "What is an "it"

Hi and welcome............

I am Gail, from the east coast. I will keep this short. Your "It" is your truth(s). People go to great lengths to separate themselves from themselves, up to and including death. Wishing so desperately that something they did or that was done to them was not true. The challenge and purpose, I hope, of this forum is for people to find a place to stop running from themselves; TO STOP AND STAND IN THEIR OWN TRUTH, FINALLY, AND FACE "IT" WHATEVER "IT" IS......
And I don't mean we need to wallow in self pity and misery. Quite the opposite. If you stop trying to get rid of your "it" (s) you will find they are your greatest strength. I ran from my truth(s) for many years and at great personal cost. Huge job!!
Recently, unbeknown to the person who did it. I was challenged. I couldn't understand why I was so upset when this person was simply talking about their 'clean slate' and blemish -free foundation upon which they would move forward with their life.
My truth came surging forward and I defended my right to have the blemished and murky slate with such intensity and emotion. And to think, for years I denied "it's" existence and now I was fighting for my right to honor "it".
I think that if I remotely ever doubted the importance of knowing, honoring, loving and living your "it's it was cleared up with my reaction to thinking that I had to rid myself of "it" when in fact, "it" is my truth to embrace.
I work in the field of addiction services. 99% of every suffering addict and alcoholic have some "it" or "it's" that are at the root cause of developing their addiction. Some truth they wish were not so. Some harsh reality that drugs and alcohol could not eliminate. If only temporary. How 'bout you? Let me know.
Wishes of truth for us all
Gail
peace........