Sunday, June 3, 2012

SUNDOWNING

'Sundowning.....' a new word to embrace.  It happens to older folks who are 'mis, or dis-placed.  My Mom is out of place right now - at the hospital following her second trip to the ER this week.  After sunset older folks, out of their element become disoriented - so be the term "sundowning". She thought she was home and wondered why the man was in her room - he was the orderly.  She was confused as to how how he got in to her house.  She was scared. At least she called and we calmed her.

The plan is a nursing home.  sigh....She can't walk any more - and barely can tend to any of her basic survival needs.  Such loss, rather quickly too.  Well. to reach such a dependent state.  This past Tuesday she collapsed.  Then, on Wednesday I was with her.  Her doctor wanted her to go to the ER for stat labs, a neuro exam and chest X-ray.  When Skipp and I tried to get her in to the car she couldn't make it.  And, if he tried to lift her it was too painful and risky - like she would just shatter so I called 911.     It was just awful for her, and for us too.

She is at Yale for now.  The wheels are in motion for a permanent placement in a nursing home. All of the insurance loop holes and restrictive rules, actually life-threatening rules have us jumping through hoops to 'meet criteria'.  The biggest insult is that we have to cash in her life insurance policy - the value is only $6,000.00, and once we cash it in the face value is only $3,700.00.  And that money has to be turned over to the funeral home now.  We signed for her final expenses which are about $10,000.00.  We have to pay the rest  which was fine given her insurance value - it is NOT fine that we now have to pay almost $3,000.00 more because the state wont allow her  to keep the policy because it is considered an 'asset' and then she is not eligible for the insurance she needs for her nursing home care.  Can you even imagine taking a person's insurance policy away. We are outraged. Enough on that injustice for now.

 She finally said to us _ I can't go home - I will never see my place again......"  How sad is that? And yet she seems reconciled, relieved actually.  Please pray that all goes through and we get placement in a home of her choosing.  Please.......

Dare I say I feel really angry at God - she doesn't deserve to suffer AND selfishly I want to be better so I can do more and get to her easily.  Getting into Yale is quite an endeavor for someone with MS. I did it though - I made it.

That's the update.  My Mom is very brave, and has so much faith.  While we were at th ER on Wednesday she was overwhelmed.  When it was time to transfer her to Yale I said,  "Mom, I am glad I was able to be here with and for you today......", she answered,  "  Me too,.....and I wish I could be more of a mother to you....", my heart shattered and I answered,  "I am so filled with all of your love and wisdom and faith that there is no more you need to do now,...." and they rolled her away.



 




19 comments:

Wanda..... said...

So sorry to hear of your mom's condition, Gail. I know you must be hurting. I'm sitting here remembering how my own mother entered a nursing home just 5 minutes from my house. It was meant to be only temporary, until she could regain her strength and capable of being home and under just my sister's care. Events sadly changed things quickly though. Tomorrow(June 4th)is the 5 year anniversary of her passing.

Wishing for a placement that will give you both peace of mine and ease of visiting.

Gail said...

WANDA - thanks for your kind words of understanding and wishes for good outcomes. We will have more answers on Monday.
Love to you
Gail
peace....

Jackie said...

Gail...I cannot begin to imagine or feel the hurt that you are feeling right now. I want to let you know that I'm thinking of you, your family, and especially your sweet Mama. I continue to lift her up in my daily and nightly prayers. If there is anything else that I can do to help, would you please let me know.
Love,
Jackie

Amanda said...

I am sending you many hugs and a lot of love. I am so sorry to hear of your mother's condition. It sounds though, that she is in a reflective place of understanding. I am sure she is loving your presense.

Just a question: Yale? As in the school hospital?

Love to you.

Jane said...

Sometimes life just plain old sucks. I'm sorry you are going through all this - and I sure feel for your mom. I regularly say to my husband "Remind me not to get old" whenever I hear about the struggles aging brings. My great-aunt doesn't look she'll be going back home either - she's in her mid-eighties and was fine (or so it seemed) and had two knees replaced over the last year. We all had such high hopes for her to return to her home (her husband is still at home) and enjoy the spring and summer now that she could get around without being in such excruciating pain. But it looks like she's losing her mind now - we think it has a lot to do with all the pain medication she's been taking for the past few years. It's so sad. Take care - you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Eileen said...

Not only is your mother a brave soul, but you have courage too, my friend.

Brace yourself now for the biggest emotional roller coaster of your life, Gail. Cherish the highs, and don't let yourself despair at the low points.

I am all-too familiar with 'sundowning' as my Mom suffered from Alzheimer's the last six years of her life. One of the saddest things to witness a loved one experiencing.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Love to you,
Eileen

Gail said...

Dear Jackie, Amanda, Jane & Eileen

thank you all SO much for your wonderful loving support and true understanding. I am heart-sick. And knowing you are all there with me means a lot.
Love Gail
peace.....

Lola said...

Gail,
this seems to be such a difficult time for you and your family.
I'm close to you.
I'm thinking of you
sending lots, lots lots of love

Just Be Real said...

Gail sorry to read about your mother. You have been having a lot on your plate these days. Sending hugs of compassion and understanding.....

Gail said...

@JBR - hi Grace - thank you so much - I have been by your place but haven't commented. you are inmy prayers, always

@LOLA - hi love - so good to see you - i think of you and Big Boy SO much - hope u r ok,

Love to you both
Gail
peace.....

Diana said...

Hi Gail, I am so so sorry that you and mom have to go through this time. I miss my mom so much but take solace in the fact that she passed in her sleep, however shocking that was at the time.
Jake and I had to place his Aunt who raised him, in a nursing home. She was living with us and I just could not take care of her by myself anymore. This was years ago when Kate was about five. She was bed ridden and I couldn't leave the house. It still was a difficult decision.
I can't say anything that would help you except that you are in my thoughts daily. I knew you weren't posting for a good reason. It's alright to be angry at God, I believe that's what he is there for. Just like a friend who listens, it's o,k, to be angry.
I am wishing the best for your family at this time. Wish I could give you a hug. Love Di ♥

Gail said...

HI DIANA - I feel your loving presence, support and understanding. "Thank you" - and I feel your hug too :-)
Love Gail
peace....

Unknown said...

'Just stopping by, Gail, to respond to your comment on my blog.
I often think of you (and my cousin Jeanne Marie, and so many others), and I try hard not to take for granted the Blessing of health and mobility.

You've especially been on my mind now as you start this journey with your Mom. I so feel for you.
Take care of yourself, remember to steal some few little moments for yourself and Skipp.
Love to you, Eileen

Kim @ Stuff could... said...

How did I miss this post? This sundowning term describes my dad too. It must be scary for your Mom. I feel for you...this is so sad when we cannot go home again...losing our independence etc. Hope you feel better with MS

Gail said...

HI KIM - thanks so much for your understanding. this is all sop sad :-(
Love Gail
peace.....

Whitemist said...

how much i understand, but also the fear that comes with this...i can say no more

Gail said...

WHITEMIST - Hi Joey - and thanks. I know you understand. sigh..
with hope for us all
Gail
peace.....

Andy said...

Bless you, Gail. And your Mum.
At least she has you (and Skipp) to care for her and make sure it's as good as it can be.

I do hope you get the place you want for her.

Gail said...

HI ANDY -
thanks so much - an we did - yet it is all so bittersweet and very sd - I wil write more about this as I can
love to you
Gail
peace.....