Monday, May 3, 2010
As Mother's Day approaches I am filled with emotions. First, to all my blog friend that are Mother's and of course every one has a Mom so this wish is for you too :-). I wish you a very Happy Mother's Day!! Even as I write this wish I know that it is vast, and complex, and miraculous, and agonizing, and filled with the wisdom of all of our mother experiences, memories, desires, sorrows, celebrations, loss, gain, hope, fears, promises and LOVE>
AS this Mothers' Day fast approaches I am SO worried about my Mom - she is so tired, has no appetite, no energy and her mood and mind are changing. I love her so much and I am SO afraid of her lack of presence. I still see and feel and experience the gentle love in her blue eyes - with a bit less sparkle. I hold her small hands in mine which are seasoned with arthritis and always cold. Her body is small, so small - like she is disappearing right before my eyes.
This is me and Mom last Mother's Day. She is SO beautiful.
That is a gardenia corsage she is wearing - her favorite flower. I am so grateful she is here this Mother's Day - and as much as I am celebrating that, I am also so painfully aware of her decline. I promise that I will hold on to her spirit, and faith, and wisdom and softness and all the love - no matter what. I know many of you have lost your Mom's, and especially Diana who is facing her first Mother's Day without her Mom - my heart aches. I feel all mixed up this year - a blend, - of turmoil, gratitude, sadness, fear, hope and LOVE.
And now my Sister. A most wonderful Mother - her boys the center of her life, - three amazing sons. Her eldest, Clayton? He died. oh so suddenly, almost seven years ago. A mother's heart knows no bigger ache. Mother's day for her is always bitter-sweet as she celebrates her other two sons and agonizes the loss of Clayton. There are no words. The picture below is me and my Sis last Mother's day.
She is quite the opposite of me. tiny, small features, short sassy hair, and her nic-name is "Nancy-Nip!!!!! She is of sharp tongue! Woo! :-) We are so very close and always there for one another, no matter what.
My three children - all so unique.
Dolan - my youngest. He and I are very close. Even when he studied in Prague he reached across oceans to me. We talk almost every day, usually on his way home from the Bronx where he teaches High School English, and on his way to Brooklyn where he lives. and I love it. He always says that he celebrates me every day and that he doesn't need Mother's Day to remember and honor me. He shows me every day. :-) We always say "I love you", always. :-)
Jennifer - my middle child. She lives the closest and loves ALL the family traditions and celebrations. We have had our share of ups and downs, trials and tribulations and times of distance. We always find our way back. She makes me laugh like no one else can - she is very, very funny. :-) ANd we always say I love you at the end of every visit or call.
Kristie - my eldest. She is the most distant in miles and in family matters. She is strong-willed and a survivor and has had many, many obstacles before her. I miss her terribly and often wish she were part of our daily lives. Regardless, if something serious happened and I/we needed her I know she would get here. She ends every call with "I love you more Mom"..............sigh.
And so this Mother's Day we will gather for brunch, here. Quiche, fruit, muffin tops, coffee cake and scallops with pineapple. The day will be filled with so many emotions - a plethora, if you will. I will proudly pin my Mom's corsage on her lapel and offer my Sister her bouquet of three sunflowers that I give her every hear since Clayton died. I am most grateful that everyone feels love and says "I love you". That at times our hearts soar, and at times our hearts ache. Such is the bond of Mother's to their children and the never ending struggle to hold on and let go - hold on and let go - hold on and let go - hold on.................
Posted by Gail at 1:02 PM