*********SOME DETAILS ARE VIOLENT FOR THOSE WHO WOULD PREFER NOT TO KNOW.*************
As you know, my oldest daughter, Kristie is pregnant. My initial and natural reaction was one of concern and anxiety due to her history but I moved quickly to a place of gratitude and hope and celebration for this new life growing. She has had some very difficult relationships with men and the father of this child is of questionable honor, character and desire. Because she lives 500 miles away I am left out of most of the "loops" of her world. And I am sure that when I am invited in, the "view" is skewed. That being said - I don't know what my active place is in this latest horror. He, the boyfriend got into a verbal altercation with my grand daughter, Leanna. My grandson, (Jacob - the special needs miracle child) defended her and he, the ignorant coward abusive sick moron boyfriend punched Jacob and knocked him out. Kristie tried to stop it but to no avail. Jacob is at the hospital, via ambulance, (I called - physically he is okay), the boyfriend was arrested - and will go back to jail - it just became known to me that he was in jail before for robbery. Leanna is crying on the phone with me and so scared and upset and Kristie is on the defensive. And trying to say she had no idea he was like this - which I can assure all of you is a lie. There is a long history of bad relationships so as much as this is no surprise I am still so broken hearted and so afraid for all of them. And my powerlessness is SO obvious that I can hardly stand knowing it.
I wrote about Kristie and Jacob's birth in an earlier post. And despite this situation Kristie is all the determination and strength and tough things I wrote about - and she is this too as she has created such risk before for herself and her children and I agonize over it beyond my ability to express. And equally so I agonize over my powerlessness. I have intervened, advocated, saved, fixed, rescued, loved no matter what so many times - so much so that she, for a time, refused to talk to me. I, being the unwanted voice of reason, challenge and reality. How do I Interact with her without being that voice? How? It has been a while since I faced this dilemma - and that is a good thing, all things considered. Still, I fumble and doubt. I wonder what is best, right, wrong, necessary, not necessary. I think most of all I already know the answer. I am powerless. I am empowered to love, to listen, to answer if asked or offer if solicited.
Meanwhile, Jennifer came and got my list for stocking stuffers. I am going to work on writing Christmas cards until she returns. We are going to have lunch and wrap gifts together - talk about Christmas Eve at my Mom's and Christmas day here for a turkey dinner and gift sharing. She already said she is bringing pumpkin pie. I guess I am not so powerless after all. And it is going to snow - :-)
An old favorite.
37 comments:
Gail…I'm so sorry to hear this news, but I believe that you're in the position (and the distance away) that you need to be to do your best for all concerned, yourself included.
What can you do? You can love, first off. Love as a mother, grandmother, in-law, friend…whatever is called for.
You can speak truth. Truth needs to be said—which doesn't mean you preach constantly. In fact, truth doesn't require you to provide its emotion—not anger, or threat, or sorrow, or fear, or smug I-told-you-so…and maybe not even love. Truth is just like light. It shines and guides. Of course, the person in need of truth—just as the person in the midst of darkness—needs to see, to believe in light, or at least believe that their darkness is not the place to remain. There has to be a willingness on their part, and YOU can't make them willing; all you can do is speak truth.
Finally, you can pray. I believe in prayer. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't had a mother (and others, too) who prayed for me and my safety every single day. And I'll tell you the truth, there were plenty of times when I could feel those prayers around me, protecting me, helping and guiding me. Pray with love and fear and faith; pray from your heart.
You aren't powerless; you simply can't go up, drag your daughter home, give her a swat on the rear, a lecture, send her to her room, and make everything all better instantly. She has her own life and freedoms and responsibilities. She can mess up, even destroy her life if she chooses—and it is a choice.
You job is simply to pray, speak truth, and provide all the love in your heart…and maybe one day to be there when the decision is made to change.
Life is a choice. Every one of us could choose to end our life at any moment; but instead, we choose to live it and make it good to the best of our abilities and resources. Life is a blessing, a gift…and a choice.
HI GRIZZ-
I so appreciate the time you took to write to me so honestly, lovingly, wisely, completely and compassionately. Every word you wrote is so true. love that you wrote that "truth is the light that shines".......and that the willingness is up to them, oh my how that helped me Grizz. And I too know the power of prayer - heartfelt prayer - Amen,. belive everything you wrote to me, and in my emotion I could not get back to my own truth and conviction - your honest words grounded me and I "thank you".
My other daughter and I had a good afternoon wrapping and talking. Kristie called from upstate - she is handling things as well as she can - Jacob is home and doing okay. Leanna has settled down and they are coming together as a family again to heal. I will continue to love, pray and speak the truth.
Love to you
Gail
peace.....
That is good news, Gail. There is hope and possibility in that report; room for a future. Life is so tough sometimes because we make it tough struggling at things we cannot change, in spite of it being the right thing to do for someone or some situation. And that's because there are other people, other forces, other lives intertwined.
You have to accept that it can end badly; but fight that bad outcome with every weapon you have. One thing I've learned over the years is that people who choose to live their lives in trauma are often amazingly strong and resilient; it's us on the other end, who know better, maybe have been there and done that, or are simply wise enough to never have gone there in the first place—who love these hurting people, and would give anything to help them avoid what we know, clearly, could one day destroy them…we are ones worrying and crying and expending energy all in vain.
To ever be of help, Gail, you have to be around. To one day enjoy the good outcome which I believe with all my heart is possible, you can't destroy yourself in the process of failing at the impossible.
Love. Speak truth. Pray. When the time comes, this will turn around; you are not powerless. Just make sure you're around to celebrate. And know this…you are not the only one praying for your daughter and family.
Please take care of yourself.
Sad story, but the good news is... you recognize your limits/you call powerlessness. I see it as a surrender to the Divine. That's a good sign of your Awakening. A higher praise. I don't judge your daughter but I pray too, that she could move on away from this fellow.. Not be afraid of him.. but move on. I'd personally rather have no one than have someone so volatile.
YOU ARE LOVED, MY FRIEND! You lift me up!
Very tough, the powerlessness you feel. You know all the facts with abusive situations, yet it does not help you in your own trauma of the moment. The person at risk is your daughter and your grandson and granddaughter and there is little you can do at any crisis situation.
To give the hope and the love to them, at all times is where they will find solace, maybe not today or tomorrow, but some day, it will wappen.
HI GRIZZ-
I hear you so strongly, your words are rumbling through me like powerful forces of truth, wisdom, hope, experience, strength, desperation. I know that I can love and pray and be truthful and that the process of healing is theirs to command. I WILL be around to celebrate their outcomes - their family as it heals and redefines itself after this trauma. I have no intention of destroying myself while attemttping to succeed/fail at the impossible, or better said, that which is NOT my process to command. Kristie and her kids are very relilient - more thanmost. And theyh are a tight unit. When I called a little while ago they were all together and although wounded they all sounded comforted. And so they have begun the healing, and I SO love knowing that there are prayr4s for them, I hold that gift close in my heart, always. I love you Grizz. I do.
Gail
peace and hope
Grizz is so right Gail, what is there for you to do, but to just be there for your daughter and trust that her love for her children will help her make the right choices. Take care Gail.
Wanda
HI JACKIE-
Yes, you are right. I did realize my limits very quickly and knew that surrendering to my limits was the best for all. And he, the guy is gone, she took all his stuff to his grandmother's and is getting the protective order on Monday. Until then he is under a "no trespass' order by the police.
Love to you
Gail
peace.....
HI JOEY-
oh thank you SO much for your kind and compassionate words to me. And yes, I will just love them and know that they will find solace in that. It is all so sad though, so very, very sad. :-(
Love to you my brave friend who "sees" with his heart and soul so clearly -
Gail
peace.....
H WANDA-
I SO agree that Grizz is SO right. I know it in my soul. Thank you for your support Wanda.
Love to you
Gail
peace.....
I think that your daughter just needs to know that she is a strong woman and all the things you described her as. She can do this on her own, but she won't be alone because she has you.
I know you feel like you need to take her burden away and carry it yourself, but this is something she needs to figure out on her own. She just needs your love and support. :) That's all daughters really want from their mothers.
And don't be afraid of writing what is in your heart no matter what- I know sometimes just writing things down helps me try to find a solution or cope with the feelings I have. :) We're all pulling for you!
HI IKTOMI-
Thank you so much for your kind support I know you understand because you are a young mother, wise beyond your years and you are very strong. I am so glad to see you here and I really apreciate your wisdom.
Love to you
Gail'
peace.....
Having just acknowledged your visit to APOGEE Poet and headed here, I appreciate even more the significance of your posted comment.
Dearest Gail, your words are ever reflecting the depth of your spirit and care. It is when powerlessness takes its grasp that faith is there to free us once again to act. Even silence is a purposeful act. Your concern and presence goes beyond reaching out physically, beyond what is said, to the depths of your heartfelt love. Your reach is spirit itself. YES, you can momentarily be taken by a violent and unexpected wave, and yet Dear Gail, yours is a heart that will ever return to the ebb and flow of life itself.
In loving friendship,
Rose Marie
Gail, everything Grizz has told you is what I would say to you. Please take care of yourself, love, speak your truth and pray as I will for your daughter and her family as well as you sweetie..all families have problems Gail some more severe than others but we all have them, as mothers it is our instinct to protect our children and Jacob is so special....I am sending you and all of your family big hugs and loving thoughts..Hugs
Gail...you know it broke my heart to read this. I didn't know what to say...or whether I should say anything....but I do want you to know that as a daughter, a mother, and a grandmother myself, I would want to share my thoughts and feelings with those who will listen, understand...and most of all pray for me. I promise I will do that for your daughter and her family. I am thankful that Jacob is home and hopefully will do well. I have him on my heart very heavily tonight. I am assuming that the proper authorities will monitor the situation so that no on will get hurt in the future...that is so important for your grandchild....he is a child and needs to be protected. If he isn't in a safe environment, I know that you will do what you need to do to make sure that he is. Do know that you will be in my prayers.
Always,
Jackie
Oh my hard went out to you and your family. I am so glad the guy is gone, it seems that she has taken the right steps with the restraining order, you can give her your love, she has to be strong and change, but it has to be her decision.You do not need these stressors with your illness. I will pray for you all, you don't have to be the fixer,you have to take care of you, and the strength I know you have may she reach deep within her soul and find that strength. Big hug. This Griz sounds like a wise man. Big hugs, I an here anytime, you can email me too if you like. love ya, c
We all make choices and they are ours to make. Sometimes we make bad choices, sometimes good. Others, looking from outside can view our choices as bad and, certainly, your daughter seems to have made some bad choices in her life, from what you tell us.
For you, this must be difficult and you tell us so and I understand. But, at the end of it all, for good or bad, they are her choices. Only she can make them. It is hard to be sitting on the sidelines watching and seemingly powerless but that's not all you can do. On the sidelines you can be her cheerleader and let her know that you are there for her, which I'm sure you already do.
She will already know they have been bad choices. She doesn't need you to tell her that. She just needs you to love her and, however unfortunate and hard though it may be for you, to be there to pick up the pieces when it is necessary - which, from what you have said before, you have done, more often than you would like.
But, therein lies your power. Not power to get her to make the right choices but the power to be the rock for her when it all goes wrong, the rock of love and safety that she needs from time to time.
Let's hope she can make it through OK this time and realise that she needs to make better choices.
With love.
I am sorry to hear this news. You are not powerless. Gail, you are giving your daughter all the love and support she needs right now and that is all you can do for now.
In time she will understand and be able to make the right choices. Just be strong, so that when she is ready you will be,too.
Take care, Gail.
@ANDY-
I am so happy to see you here. :-) And I SO appreciate your wise and real words to me. And I know her choices are just that, her choices. She IS strong and will pull herself and her kids out of the chaos. Thanks Andy.
@CHOICES-
I will be there for her, loving her, them. always. And I will stay strong. "thank you" for taking the time to show you care.
@CINNER-
"thank you" so much for your care and concern. I know I can't fix any of this - I can love and pray and be truthful - like Grizz so wonderfully wrote. I feel your love and support Cinner -
@TEACHER'S PET-JACKIE
I know Jackie - I know you felt my pain intimately. ANd I know you are praying for all of them. ANd yes, the polce and child protective services are involved and guiding the restraining order process. Thank you Jackie for caring.
@BERNIE-
Oh Bernie I feel your love and prayers all the way through the snow in Canada to the snow here in Connecticut. Thank you Bernie for caring and praying and sharing your love.
@ROSEMARIE-
I so appreciate your heartfelt words, wisdom, love and care. I know you know my heart so well. I am kindered to you my friend.
Love and deep appreciation to you all
Gail
peace and hope
So heartbreaking. Although you may feel powerless at times, remember...where your power ends, God's power begins. Sometimes it best to let go and let God. God works in mysterious ways...the right person, perhaps not you, will guide your daughter at the right time. Or, she will learn a valuable lesson from this situation, and realize how she contributes to the destruction of her life. Whatever happens, know that I am here for support, you can email me. I've been there where your daughter is, and in the end everything came out best. Through my mistakes, I finally learned to love myself; not feeling I need a man to love me and attracting the love that is reflected in my being. I'm keeping you in my prayers..and yes, I know this is hard. My daughter is going through simiar situation as we speak. And, yes, I feel powerless, yet knowing that all will end up ok. The answers will be revealed in time. Keep the faith, sis!
PLL, C.
HI CORDIeB-
"thank you" so much for sharing of your personal struggle and that of your daughters. I know everything you wrote to me and it re-enforces my insight and validates my process to hear when others are of similar thought. Thank you SO much for being there for me and for calling me "sis". I feel honored.
Love to you
Gail
peace.....
Dear dear Gail,
I just wanted to say two things really... though it may end up being more...
Firstly, I think it takes a huge amount of courage to share what you have in this post.
It somehow feels much safer to write 'nice' things... Things that have a little bit of a shimmer to them... It's great to be able to do that.
It is, in many ways, taking a risk when you write something that feels heavier and less shiny.
I think you so well to take that risk and to write about powerlessness.. and you have done so beautifully and movingly.
Secondly Gail, I wanted to say that in my experience, I don't think that there is anything more painful than having to watch somebody who you love more than yourself, suffer.
It has to be one of the worst forms of torture to the soul that exists... THE worst form.
I'm so sorry for the pain and the frustration of that sense of helplessness.
I hear it and I know it and I wanted you to know that I am with you in it.
Of course your daughter has to ultimately take responsibility for her choices... And yes, I agree with the wise words spoken by others here... You are not completely powerless...
But... Yo are powerless to do what you really WANT to do, whichis to save her.. and for that, I feel sorrow because it is a thing which deserves sorrow.
I know how strong you are Gail, and how strog you have had to be. I know that you have the resources you need.
But I acknowledge that it probably doesn't always feel like that everyday...
I also believe that things will come right and that when they do, you will be around to feel the joy an the relief of seeing your beautiful daughter happy and healthy and 'back'.
So much love and heartfelt admiration.
xxx
HI WONDERINGSOUL-
I am so glad to see you. Andyou are so right about how you 'see' things. First it is really difficult to share such things - much easier to write about all the joy. Each has it's place and purpose, huh?:-)
And just when thought I had received the most amazing comments of support and love and wisdom along you come and add another dimension to this experience that is SO profound and deep that my soul trembled in awe and understanding and alliance with your words. I know that you "know" so well that which I struggle with, believe in and hope for and have endured. And YES, there is sorrow in NOT being able to save someone we love. Your words and support are a true testament to the amazing kinship we share. You mean SO much to me.
Love Gail
peace.....
Well, Gail, you know this is a situation that you and I share very well. And I say 'very well', not only because we know very well what it entails, but I think we are doing very well with what life has handed us.
And I applaud you knowing that there is no more we can offer than our love and support (NOT enable, but support). It's very hard because of the innocents that are involved, it's a fine line we walk.
I think you walk it well.
I'm sorry that once again the sludge has to be dragged up upon you. Please know that you are in my prayers.
Much love and many prayers,
Eileen
HI EILEEN-
Oh how I know you know - the fear and the hope - the line between support and enable and to love no matter what. Your support and understanding means SO much to me because we share a similar journey - and for you to say I "walk it well" means more than I can convey in this forum. So pour the wine, set out that plate of cheese and goodies, put that casserole together and set a place for me one day.
Love to you
Gail
peace.....
Since this comment is rounding out a very long list of comments, it looks like you have developed quite a circle of friends here in blogland.
That's the name of the award I just passed on to you: The Circle of Friends Award.
It's at my place.
xo
HI TRISH-
An award? Wow. Thanks SO much - I will head on over to your place.
Love Gail
peace.....
I am glad that you have a lot of support in blogland to get through this hard time. I came here via PENolan.
Anyway, I have been there and done that several times with my daughter and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do for her other than lend what support I can. She seems to pick these losers one after the other until I think there must be only loser guys out there you know. But that can't be entirely true, there are a few great guys out there.
Anyway, you got lots of good advice and support here so I'll just add: do the best you can because that is all you can do.
HI LIBERALITY-
I am SO glad you came by - I see you over at PENolan's place all the time and I am honored you came over. I really appreciate your words of understanding especially since you understand it all so personally. Again, thanks SO much.
Love Gail
peace.....
Hi Gail,
When faced with a situation like yours, the words, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, The courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference," come to mind.
Trusting in the Source that everything happens for the best and establishing yourself with the peace that comes as a result will allow you to take the best action in resolving what you are able to.
HI C OM-
Oh yes, 'The Serenity Prayer' is the truth of it all - thanks for your support, kind understanding and shared wisdom.
Love to you
Gail
peace.....
Gail,
You are far from powerless. You are correct in saying that your power is in being there for your daughter, being there to listen, to hold her near, to offer advice when asked, to give counsel when asked. You are powerful and you have done and continue to do enough. We cannot live our children s lives. We simply must be there for them when they need us to be while at the same time not being the person who enables their undesired behavior. This of course is a delicate balance. The good news is this guy is in jail and hopefully your daughter will wake up and learn from what has happened and break her pattern of choosing abusive men.
Being there is what she needs from you. Loving her unconditionally with no judgment is what she needs more than anything else. Be the love that you are, who could ask for anything more. Blessings of love and wellness to you my friend.
HI MARK-
Thank you SOmuch for your support and compassin is this delicate situation. As you know, I know everything yo have written - it is the only way to react - I do love her and will be there for her and yet I cannot enable. I really appreciate your kindness.
Love to you
Gail
peace.....
I've read this post twice and each time my heart broke for you my friend... Maybe you're not so powerless, all you can do is be that voice, repeat yourself to Kristie, point it out to her even if she defends the boyfriend, she may defend and get angry at you but when she sees her son she'll remember your words. Jacob should be protected, all three of them should be protected from this guy, even the unborn baby.
You know it's heartbreaking to hear women defend and protect guys who abuse them, my mother's half sister was badly beaten by her boyfriend she ended up in hospital with broken ribs and arm. But funny enough they never broke up, he visited her in hospital and they laughed and talked we were all shocked... Being the say my mind that I am I told her he'll do it again and he has done it twice after that first time but they're together and I always remind her to wise up.
I feel your pain and the pain you feel for your family, being so far can only add to that but stay strong and hope and pray for a better tomorrow... Now I'm going back to read your old posts so I can know you better.
Over at my website you wrong your age as 13 by mistake, that's what confused me about your URL
HI SILINDILE-
thank you so much for your understanding and support. And I SO appreciate you sharing about your own similar family situation.
I am not sure about the age thing you mentioned about an age of 13, I will go over to your place and poke around though. :-)
Be well my new friend
Love Gail
peace.....
Oh my, Gail. Thoughts and prayers. (And luckily, I have nothing better to do!) ;-)
HI GIGGLES_
Thanks SO much - prayers are good, so good. Amen.
Love you
Gail
peace......
Post a Comment