Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I BELIEVE

I BELIEVE...........................





I really like this version of this song. And the video is well done. I think so , anyways.

As I wrestle with the effects of my silence as of late - it's not an all together 'feel good' outcome. The struggle being not about my silence but the perception of another as to why. I know, I know I have to let that go, knowing my intent was kind, and that beneath the silence is love. Even that is a concept that is far from reach for her - she only knows that my silence is different - after 10 years and much wrestling I knew I could not be the one with whom she processed. The lines crossed, and have been crossed for a while - I just became good at juggling and dancing across them. The latest experiences - some directly happening to me were so out of step that I could not juggle and dance anymore. Dual relationships, by design, create such a quandary - first and for years we were friends and equals, and for as many years after and now she is in a position of power - a style of management that I disagree with completely. I have been able to side step the style and still revel in the friendship. I can no longer do that so I chose the friendship and removed myself from being a listener and processor around any management issues. This silence did not go well - the events I experienced personally, through others and an overall style of blame, labels, accusations and "red-pencil" mentality in which she is a strong presence and my being privy to the dynamic became way bigger than my ability to support her in any way. We disagree completely on approach and style and opinions and what is fair, just and right in managing staff. I decided to not say anything and insist she not tell me anything either. All the lines between friend and manager were crossed and I don't even know any more where one role begins and the other ends. Part of me is grieving because I don't know if I can separate her from manager knowing what I know and then be able to trust her in friendship.
And so I have to believe that this too shall pass. I have to stand firm in my silence because beneath the silence is love. Can we have a conversation where I am truthful? Who would I be talking to if we did - manager or friend? I don't know the answer to that and maybe I never will. Right now there is no separating the two roles and that re-enforces my silence. I thought I was more able that I am to maintain both roles - and for a while I was, we both were, that is no longer the case, I believe.

Love Gail
peace.......

14 comments:

molly said...

Gail--

Sounds like you have quite an opportunity for growth and learning on your hands. I am always an advocate of the truth, however painful it is to utter the words out loud. Truth will set you free, they say.

Peace to you,
and good luck with the difficult situation!

Molly

Gail said...

Hi Molly-

Finny you wrote about truth, well, not funny but ironic perhaps because the person this involves always says - "nobody wants to hear the truth"...
huh.

Love gail
peace....

anne partain said...

Hi Gail, If your desire is for your own peace, and I believe it is. And you trust that will be achieved, and I believe you do. Well then, all is well with you. No matter what it looks like. But, you know that too, right?

Peace to you my dear friend.

Gail said...

Hi Anne-

and "thank you" for your amazing words of support and encouragement.
And I do desire peace and I do trust it will be achieved - and also, I know that beneath the silence is love.

Love to you my dear friend
Gail
Peace.....

The-Grizzled-But-Still-Incorrigible-Scribe-Himself! said...

Gail…

Sometimes our loudest, truest, most healing and insightful words are spoken in silence. There seems to me to be a real change in you and the path you've taken during these last few posts—and you sound healthier and better for it.

Sometimes we simply can't change things, especially regarding other people. But we can change our attitude and approach. Less is often more.

Your Mother's Day post doesn't reveal a perfect world—but then, no one's world ever is entirely perfect…at least not for long. But your eldest daughter and son came through; your sister and mother, too. And the other daughter—there's always hope, and love, and opportunity.

I believe this will work out for you in the end, and that you will have peace.

Gail said...

Hi Grizz-

I am SO happy to see you here.
And yes, it is SO true - my silence is speaking volumes. And quite a different approach on both the work and daughter situations.
Jen has actually made the change - 'he' is 'out'. We spent lots of time together and she is visiting later today. And I didn't have to say a word or do anything. Go figure! :-)

see ya over at your place.
Love Gail
peace.....

Comrade Kevin said...

I find your hope refreshing, Gail, and I always have. I try to learn from your example.

Gail said...

Hi Kevin -

"Thank you" SO much. I really appreciate your words - you are a person whose opinions, and views I so admire and respect, so such a compliment to me from you means a lot! :-)

Love Gail
peace.....

Mark said...

Believing is 90% of the battle!

C. Om said...

Hi Gail,
Great song. The way you are choosing to deal with this situation (silence), leaves an opening for the true intentions (love) to be felt.

One thing about silence is that it is always open to interpretation. People will always feel a reflection of themselves in a silence. We sometimes share an awkward silence with another where we are really feeling the resistance to a situation from within. We sometimes share a comfortable silence with another knowing full well that we are in complete acceptance of the moment from within.

You are in the perfect circumstance to have the best out come in this situation.

Peace :-)

Gail said...

Hi C. Om

So nice to see you. And you are so right about the silence being where people feel a reflection of themselves.

Thank you for your insightful and supportive words.

Love Gail
peace....

molly said...

Gail,

Interesting this person says that nobody wants to hear the truth. I am curious if you've had any resolve around this situation?

Peace,

Molly

giggles said...

Nice to see that you're out and about again!!

Gail said...

Hi Giggles-
thanks SO much for stopping by. And ya, I am getting better each day. phew.
see you over at Grizz's. :-)
Love Gail
peace.....