I felt as of late in a slump, sad and distracted and as if chaos and turmoil were astir within. And so it was so - "Annie" (the kid in me), has been whimpering some and looking for voice and love and place and memory to be in the light. I have never let her speak/write first person before - today is the day.
(sensitive material)............
"I wanted Dennis to save me from him. I hated how he smelled of that English leather and cigarettes. his skin was dark and big hands, his blue shirt hung down and i felt him push on me. i threw up after, and i walked home bare foot. i washed him off me. me and Dennis made it together in a way even though we faced him alone except that one time he made Dennis stay. i felt worse of that time. Dennis went away after the summer - i missed him so much. "
Annie is amazingly strong - she is my greatest source of strength for all she survived. She is me and I am her, we are one. I hid her for years believing I could not face my truths - it was in facing my truths that I was strengthened and freed. It took 25 years and then the priest(s). Oh the betrayal - I still feel him recreating the original abuse, claiming Jesus was guiding him to save me and I remember and feel the back of his hand across my face. It is a forever sting, forever.........
and so October is when I honor some of my past as it is a part of me. I don't run from truth any more - I live in it all. From MS to childhood abuse to betrayal by Roman Catholic clergy and so too I revel in the truth of my love with Skipp, our peaceful home, nature, my blessed Mom, my children, friends and our dog Gracie-Blue. All have merit, purpose and reason. To rid myself of any part of that which is me is to destroy my design - not happening. My design, the fabric of my life is made up of many squares each colored with its own unique experience and all connected and integrated. I am whole.
The squares and design of October are in the forefront right now as I remember, feel, smell, see, know, believe and stand firm. Later, I can surrender in to sweet drifting as the time to remember slips away in to my body and mind and spirit. The miracle of healing and freedom and empowerment is that I am in charge and I choose "it" so to stay true to myself, always.
14 comments:
So, so good, Gail. I loved what you said about accepting you, every part of yourself being part of the design of you.
That's exactly how I feel, and I've felt that way for a long, long time.
I think things were different for me because I never felt any sort of indignation well up in me. Even now as an adult you would think I'd feel the same outrage I feel at other abusers for using the trust their victims put in them (that's the way I feel about your situation and your abusers), but I don't feel any of that for my own situation. No outrage. I don't feel like a victim. If I look at the situation objectively, well, in my head I know I was a victim, but I just don't feel victimized. I was nine at the time. I liked the guy back then, and thinking back on it all now, I just feel pity for him.
It's a part of my past. It's a part of who I am.
I think we are both very lucky in that we have been Blessed in so many other ways. We have something wonderful to cling to. God Is Good!
Continue to immerse yourself in your many Blessings. Best way to heal old wounds. We're the same but different now, Gail. No one can take from us any longer what we're not willing to give. Enough has been stolen and I'm not willing to give anything more to that situation.
Immerse yourself in all the beauty you know this time of year can be for you, Gail.
Love and Prayers,
Eileen
OH EILEEN, and so our sisterhood deepens by our life's tapestry of experiences. My goodness. Your inner child is alive and well and safe and loved, Amen.
Love,
Your sister in faith
Gail
peace
Hi little Annie. Glad to meet you. I am terribly sorry for the pain that you feel during this time of year. Your precious little one encourages mine as well. Blessings and safe hugs.
As I read your blog, I am moved beyond anything that I can say, Gail. I am comforted in the fact that you state:, "I revel in the truth of my love with Skipp, our peaceful home, nature, my blessed Mom, my children, friends and our dog Gracie-Blue. All have merit, purpose and reason."
May the days ahead of you be filled with complete happiness and love for you, my friend.
Love,
Jackie
I hope i would "see" you again in October - not noticed posts for a bit, but seen you on facebooks...how often do difficult things bring us to freedom?
Gail, yes it is a part of you and I know how all those squares are connected. With God at your side we just keep carrying on, through everything you have grace and love in your heart dear friend and your strength shines through. I know we can't always keep those feelings in check, they are part of us and make us whom we are. I love you girlfriend. Just feel through each moment and find your strength. hugs dear one.
@ CINNER - "hey" so happy to see you. I know you understand and it means so much to have you close by. I love you.
Love, Gail
peace.....
@ WHITEMIST - JOEY - yes, freedom has a price and it is worth every cent. We all have paid our dues, huh? Always so good to have you come by.
Love Gail
peace......
@ TEACHERS PET - JACKIE - the balance of all that is so loving and good in my life saves me every day. I am blessed.
Love to you
Gail
peace......
@ JBR - so happy you and the kid in you came by. And as painful as the memories are so too the freedom and strength are greater.
Love Gail/Annie <3
peace.....
Dearest Gail,
And your FAITH and LOVE shall ever be known..."The miracle of healing and freedom and empowerment is that I am in charge and I choose "it" so to stay true to myself, always." YES, Yield to the Eternal Spirit... yours ever graced dear Gail.
Much love and sunshine,
Rose Marie
RoseMarie -
your beautiful poetic words of comfort ad knowing thrill me and comfort me. "thank you"
Love Gail
peace......
Gail, you said it so well - we cannot run from our truth. We really do need accept every part of ourselves and as you pointed so beautifully 'every part of yourself being part of the design of you' ... sending much love your way!
HI BIRDIE - I believe that integrating our truth is critical to freedom, I have lived such a journey and I SO appreciate your kind and understanding words.
Love Gail
peace.....
Gail,
Your words are so very true. Each year, we do become stronger and more accepting of what has happened in our lives. I call that growth. You sound like you have come along way. I am proud of you!
Take care.
Smiles to you!
HI ANNE - so good to see you :-), and ya, I have come a long way. phew. :-)
Love Gail'
peace.....
Woman - you sound great.
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