KNOW YOUR "ITS"

The Sisterhood of The Traveling "Plants"

2012-01-24T11:36:00.000-05:00

These are called 'taro' plants or in lay terms 'elephant ears'. And they are truly reflective of a sisterhood and they have traveled - so be the title , "The Sisterhood of The Traveling Plants". My dear friend is going back home on the first of February, all the way down under to Australia. We met about 8 years ago when she stepped in to my office and became my intern. Our loving and strong friendship developed from there. We were/are bonded in so many ways, as woman, Mom's, and within our calling to work in an environment that served the needy and most vulnerable. We are forever friends, regardless of distance. I will miss her though, a lot.
These two plants were actually 'born' in our in-patient department. They lived proudly in her office and then traveled to her home once she moved on to, shall we say, better and greener pastures. And now these beautiful plants have traveled here to live in our sunny front window. They are truly the Sisterhood of The Traveling Plants.

And now on to another point of interest. I have begun working on my book again. It is time. I may not be as visible on blogger for a while because my efforts and energy will be directed into my book writing. I wont be far, I will be right here but just not as active with commenting and posting. So please don't experience my less than normal chatter as a sign of lack of interest or whatever - I am just otherwise involved in my book writing. I want to post a paragraph or two below and get your thoughts, k? I value all of your opinions so let me know if my style peeks your interest to read more, thanks SO much.

The therapist’s office was in an old house and her space was on the third floor. The stairway was narrow and winding with broken side rails and a thick dark wood banisters. It smelled like cat litter and old heat. The door was ajar and I entered in to what was intended to be a friendly waiting room. It had pictures of women in big hats, candles in multi colored jars burning dimly, incense simmering in brass boxes that smelled like dirty socks to me, dried flowers in old vases that were dull in color and had cracks and chips. The floors were old dull wood with fringed runners and small light brown grass area rugs placed at varying angles trying desperately to cover the stains and scuffs. There was an assortment of chairs all thread barren with stained pillows and magazines on their seats left behind by I am sure, a previous client that ran out screaming. The therapist’s office had, much to my shock, a massage table right in the middle of the room surrounded by a table with oils and towels and scented creams. She appeared, what seemed like, out of nowhere. Hi, I’m “Meadow lark”, “what, who”, I asked with my head cocked, “Meadow Lark, I changed my name because I wanted a name that was one with nature”. “Oh, it’s nice , hi, I’m Anne”. My named sounded so boring in comparison. Meadow Lark was really big, with short spiked brown hair, wearing khaki dockers, brown deck shoes with no socks, a beige crew shirt and she had huge glasses on top of her head. Her skin was milky and her eyes were way too deep in to her head so their green color was misty. The windows in her room were huge and the sun was blinding as it filtered in over the massage table, white wicker chairs and brown tables with magazines about nature, healing, self-help and how to grow organic vegetables. Dara entered moments later having been in the bathroom behind the waiting room. Meadow Lark said, “Dara asked you here today because she has something to tell you, don’t you Dara?” Dara slumped in to a chair and then began rocking as she held her stomach and moaned. I was trying to absorb this ridiculous scene and trying to imagine what had Dara all twisted and infantile. Meadow Lark’s voice was nauseating to me by now as was her milky skin and misty eyes. “Do you want me to tell her Dara” I am darting between milky Meadow Lark and moaning rocking Dara and thinking what the fuck, I should just get up and leave. Dara nods to Meadow Lark still moaning and rocking. Meadow Lark comes off her chair just a bit, so one leg is half off the chair and she turns to face me, looks right at me with her sunken eyes and stupid huge glasses and milky skin. I become acutely aware of music playing. The kind of music you hear that is intended to be spiritual but usually sounds like wild animals being executed in the jungle and the owner of such music says, “don’t you love this?” and you are saying, “oh yes, amazing” when all the time you are thinking, “this shit is scary”. And so there I am with the musical sounds of wild animals being executed, looking at someone named Meadow Lark, Dara to my side rocking and moaning............

so, what do you all think?

Stay close and so will I.

A visit and some wisdom

2012-01-07T11:50:00.000-05:00

Our adorable grand daughter Alaura came for a visit with her Dad and his fiance'. This is Skipp's eldest son Adam and his daughter Alaura.. It was a lovely visit,
exhausting and lovely.

The New Year has come in with force and also calm. New Years Eve my Mom was rushed to the ER because her dialysis port broke down - they fixed it temporarily and today she had the surgery to repair it. Phew. She is very brave and so wonderful. Gosh, I love her so....... :-)

As I sat at our dining room table today and looked out at the woods, the brook and the variety of birds gathering at our feeders I felt at peace, blessed, lucky even. We were having coffee and writing out our bills and I thought of the timing of things and how I am fortunate to have long term disability income in addition to my social security disability. When I first became employed at the in-patient treatment facility after graduating college a tad later in life they offered a company paid long term disability plan along with the health benefit package. They only offered it for two years and then any one hired after that was not offered the disability insurance and those who already had it were able to keep it. I remember when the company informed their employees of this add-on benefit. I wrote to the President and thanked him for this generous benefit and that although I hoped I never would need it I felt so secure knowing it was there for me if I ever did need it. Then, some 8 years later I am benefiting from this long term disability income after I was unable to work full time and eventually retired. I will continue to receive this benefit until age of retirement which right now is 66 and if it is raised to 68 or 70 the disability carries on. Amazing huh? Clearly, there was a plan in place of a greater power than myself overseeing outcomes.As I reflect on so many events this powerful reality becomes clearer and clearer.

Also, as part of my career in substance abuse I was referred to a couple who are both doctors and whose son was struggling with addiction. I counseled them for two+ years. During that time my Mom became ill with kidney disease. One of the doctors is a kidney specialist and paved the way for my Mom to receive the best treatment possible. We were given cell phone numbers and home phone numbers of her team of kidney specialists during the diagnostic and treatment decision process. The relief in that was so wonderful. Again, a plan and outcomes were being overseen by a power far greater than myself.

As I look back at all the twists and turns in my life, the mistakes, the celebrations, the joys and sorrows, all the choices I made and all that happened to me not of my choosing as well I can see and understand the "whys' of it all, well, most of it. I am not sure why I was diagnosed with MS - what the lesson is or where it is suppose to take me in the grander scheme of things. One thing is for sure. If I never was diagnosed and I stayed working full time I never would have started this blog. So, one of the good outcomes is I met all of you. :-)

The choices and events that led Skipp and me to one another is by far the greatest supreme plan of all. How we ever ended up together is nothing short of a miracle and planned by a powerful loving force way beyond us. All the tears and struggles we both endured were necessary steps on our way to one another. As we both look back and realize all that happened on our way to one another we are more than
bold ed over with both wonder and humbling gratitude.

I always loved this song and looked for it by Barbara Streisand but to no avail. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it. And I hope too that as you look back over your lives thus far that you understand that each choice, each event, everything that has happened not of your choosing are all part of a greater plan overseen by a loving force. As I wonder about certain things happening now and I cannot see yet their purpose in the grander scheme I am comforted in knowing that there is a reason and in believing that I am able to surrender more gently to a truth far beyond my reach. Hallelujah

"Thank you" at Christmas and always......

2011-12-15T12:12:00.000-05:00

I so love our Christmas tree and all the ornaments Skipp has bought me over 20+ years. Each one has such meaning and beauty and purpose. The white shell with the two red flowers was from my nephew Clayton and his wife Gatey. They made them for all of us. It was their only Christmas together as husband and wife - he died the following November after only a year and a half married. They were an ideal couple in so many ways. Clayton is truly missed.

My manger is priceless. It was our family's manger when I was growing up. If you look closely you can see the small angel candle and the small choir boy candle leaning up against the manger - they were my Grandma's and are over 100 years old!! Oh how I love family heirlooms and traditions.

Did I thank all of you for your loving support and understanding during my recent low spirited mood? Well, "thank you"!!

And so it comes to be - Christmas, the New Year - so much to believe in, hold on to, let go of, fight against, surrender to, scream in anger, laugh in delight, celebrate, mourn, stand firm, walk away, run to, run from, - I think you get the gist of life with all its twists and turns as do I, as do I.......... I leave you with this song -

I hope you see and feel the hope in this song - "Merry Christmas" and "thank you" for all you do, are, give, share and intend. You are a 'gift' to me, each and every one of you............

CHRISTMAS

2011-12-10T12:23:00.000-05:00

Hi all - I haven't really felt much like writing - truth be told? I am struggling to feel the spirit of the season. I am very much in rhythm with loss and fear. Perhaps that is in keeping with the 'season' since it is this season that brings to mind days gone by, people gone by and challenges too. For all I am so blessed to be and have and believe it is dripping with tears of wishes for some things to be different. Oh I know all that sayings about living in the moment, celebrating what I have, counting blessings etc., I do and I am and I thank God because without all that, well, I shudder to think However, all of that does not dismiss what I long for, I want my eldest daughter to remember me, to come home, to show me I matter in her life, to bring my grandson here to finally meet him, to see my other two grandchildren too - it has been years. I don't understand why. I wish for friends that have slipped away to come back - to have an active presence in my life again - I wish to NOT have MS - I want the pain to stop.

Meanwhile I do want to wish you all a Merry Christmas so I leave you with this song which says it all for me and is my favorite Christmas song.

What Is Your Glory?

2011-11-28T12:36:00.001-05:00

I watched a wonderful, heart-warming Hallmark movie last night. One of the Rabbis questions to his young friend was, "What Is Your Glory"? The question went straight to my heart, Skipp's too and we both new the answer for ourselves and for one another. Skipp's is his musical talents; singer-song writer, guitarist and pianist. And mine? To give counsel to and advocate for those in need.

And so I ask all of you - "What Is Your Glory?"

SECOND REVOLUTION

2011-11-03T11:59:00.002-04:00

Most of you "know" my husband Skipp. His 'birth' name is Babe Laurin. You see, he was adopted at three months old, and actually was raised with his full biological brother. They were a year a part in age and number five (5) and six (6), of 12 children. Can you even imagine? After a long and frustrating search over 20 years ago we found his biological family in 1990. There was a big reunion down in Virginia. His Mom, Helen, passed away six months before we found them. We went to her grave.

His Dad shared that there was trouble in their marriage for a time and so he and his older brother were given up for adoption. His parents later found their way back together and had six more kids!!His Dad also said that they tried to find him and his brother but all the adoption records were sealed. Skipp found out his birth name - "Babe Laurin", which he felt is a better 'stage name' than 'Stanley Schwartz'!! :-) You agree?

He is an accomplished singer/songwriter, guitarist, pianist and music producer. His original song below is fitting for the times. He wrote it in 1997. And so, without further ado, I give you "Babe Laurin, singing "Second Revolution". "YAY"!!

I can't seem to undo the second video. Good Lord :-)

oops, got a third one too, what? :-)

uh oh!!

In snowy silence

2011-11-01T11:39:00.002-04:00

We finally got power back after a foot of heavy wet snow that took down trees and power lines. As dusk came over the land on Saturday night the world looked like a silver gray haze and as night fell it darkened to a charcoal mist, heavy with snow and sleet. We laid in bed listening to trees snap loudly and we held on as the top of one tree cracked and slid down across our bedroom window and along the side of our house. Beyond the snapping tree limbs the heavy dark and cold silence was deafening. It was, in moments that night , the Apocalypse.

And so we started each day by lighting the wood stove and the charcoal grill. We boiled water for coffee and washing. The neighborhood men gathered to haul water for "flushing" - which was much more difficult than two months ago in August after hurricane Irene. We also gathered one night and played music and sang by the warmth of our wood stove and the glow of candles and oil lamps. One neighbor brought us hand warmer bags - you snap these 'tea-bag' looking sacks and they get warm. Such a nice gesture of good neighbor-good will! :-) One neighbor brought some vodka!!! Good neighbor-good will! And so the evening ended, folks found their way home through the heavy, cold and silent darkness - candles were snuffed and fires stoked to make it through until morning.

And then it began all over again, - light the grill, get the wood stove going, check food and water supplies - cook breakfast - and then came the much needed shower. We could shower on the back deck in August - but certainly not now. We heated a big pot of water and filled the watering can and brought it up to the bathroom upstairs. We gave one another a make shift showers. It was freezing even though the water was warm the air was SO cold. We survived!

And so we made it - we did it - together. I did wake up one morning and just sobbed. I did NOT want to face the day. I snapped out of it, actually laughed at myself , literally pulled on my warm socks and boots and got to the business at hand. The MS, although a reality did not hinder me all that much. I did my fair share and felt so good that I could. We even made a beef stew which we started outside on the grill and then simmered for a few hours atop the wood stove. It was delicious. Of course, the hearty bottle of red wine we drank with it enhanced the stew and the whole evening. After, we spent a couple hours looking at old pictures of when our kids (and us) were younger. It was wonderful. We would stop, and pause, and touch a photo trying to capture a time long since gone. Memories.

And so the 'Nor'Easter of October 2011 is 'one for the books'.
Many are still without power and there are downed trees and wires all around town. Meanwhile, we will count our blessings and appreciate every convenience we have.

Dad lived until October 22nd 1984

2011-10-20T12:27:00.001-04:00

My Dad was born and raised in Stratford, CT. - one of eight children - six boys and two girls. His parents were immigrants to Ellis Island from Austria. My Dad was given the nick-name of "Booty" when he was a boy - apparently because he always wore boots. He had many, many stories to share of his childhood - his father would repair their shoes with railroad ties and they slept three in a bed. One of his younger brothers was a bed-wetter! He shared how he ran away from home and joined the carnival when he was twelve. The police found him and he said they hit him with rubber hosing. Can you even imagine? Although, he added, he never ran away again. :-) His Dad died when he was sixteen and then he joined the army as soon as he was of age. He had already had met my Mom and she 'waited' for his return. He was a WWll vet - earning the purple heart. He was captured the last seven days of the war - and was held captive in a barn. He claims the reason they didn't shoot him is because he had chocolate to offer as a bribe. He also said they had beer and he kept a can opener under the rafters on a nail outside a window in the loft. Twenty five years later my Mom and Dad returned to Germany. The barn he was held captive in was now a restaurant. He went upstairs, reached out the window and there, on the nail, was his can opener. I have that can opener now - proudly displayed in a glass case near his encased American flag given to my Mom at his military funeral.

My Mom and Dad had a gentle loving relationship. I learned how a man should treat a woman and vice versa from watching them. His only vice being that he, at times, drank way too much. Way beyond that was his strong work ethic, love of family, appreciation of flowers - he was a florist by trade although he spent his life readying new trucks for delivery and at times he would take long hauls with piggy-backed 18-wheelers. He taught me to drive his company standard shift pick-up truck when I was twelve and I was able to drive an 18-wheeler by age fourteen.
He taught me how to pitch fast ball- I was a star softball pitcher - pitching no hitters at every game. I practiced with my Dad every night - broke my share of windows too!! He is the one who gave me my nick-=name - "Gimpy" when I broke my ankle. He said I 'gimped', not limped! :-)

I also learned what being a good friend and neighbor meant - when the house across the street from us was on fire they had to stop him from going in to save the woman still trapped - I can still see the other neighborhood men holding him back as it was clear it was just too late. She died that night holding her dog. My Dad never really made peace with that.

His philosophy was that every day he needed to make people laugh. And he did. He was very funny. He also was able to cry - I watched him sob at his brother's funerals and when he lost dear friends. He cried at happy times too, our weddings, graduations, births of our children. He was very 'present' in our lives, no matter what.

He was just 64 when he died - a heart attack. He lives on in me, and my Mom, my sister and all those who knew him. In honor of him I will leave you with some of his funny sayings - I hope to make you laugh today in honor of my Dad ....

"We have more fun than people"

"How tall do you weigh?"

"Do you walk to work or carry a lunch"

"You didn't eat that did you?" (which he would say if he went in to the bathroom after someone had done their "daily constitution"...) :-)

"Get Bent" (he never really swore so if he was upset at someone, and only if it were a guy he would say "Get Bent"...

He was a real joker too. His sister Eva lived with us for a while and she was going on a date and he hid her false teeth!!!

If you were an over-night guest at our house expect to have your bed "short-sheeted"

and I could go on, but you get the gist, :-)

I miss you still and oh how you live on.

I love you, Gimpy-Gays

Please Hear WHat I Am Not Saying - a poem

2011-10-09T11:06:00.000-04:00

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear

for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

masks that I'm afraid to take off,

and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

but don't be fooled,

for God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure,

that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,

that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

that the water's calm and I'm in command

and that I need no one,

but don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,

ever-varying and ever-concealing.

Beneath lies no complacence.

Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

a nonchalant sophisticated facade,

to help me pretend,

to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,

and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,

if it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,

from my own self-built prison walls,

from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.

It's the only thing that will assure me

of what I can't assure myself,

that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,

will not be followed by love.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,

that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing

and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,

with a facade of assurance without

and a trembling child within.

So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,

and my life becomes a front.

I tell you everything that's really nothing,

and nothing of what's everything,

of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine

do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

what I'd like to be able to say,

what for survival I need to say,

but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.

I don't like playing superficial phony games.

I want to stop playing them.

I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

but you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand

even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes

the blank stare of the breathing dead.

Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

each time you try to understand because you really care,

my heart begins to grow wings--

very small wings,

very feeble wings,

but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling

you can breathe life into me.

I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me,

how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--

of the person that is me

if you choose to.

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,

you alone can remove my mask,

you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,

from my lonely prison,

if you choose to.

Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach to me

the blinder I may strike back.

It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man

often I am irrational.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

and in this lies my hope.

Please try to beat down those walls

with firm hands but with gentle hands

for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.

For I am every man you meet

and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn

September 196

OCTOBER - many truths

2011-10-04T13:21:00.001-04:00

October! Any of you who have known me for a while know October is a tricky month. It is the month of events upon which parts of the premise of my blog was formed. TRUTH.
I felt as of late in a slump, sad and distracted and as if chaos and turmoil were astir within. And so it was so - "Annie" (the kid in me), has been whimpering some and looking for voice and love and place and memory to be in the light. I have never let her speak/write first person before - today is the day.

(sensitive material)............

"I wanted Dennis to save me from him. I hated how he smelled of that English leather and cigarettes. his skin was dark and big hands, his blue shirt hung down and i felt him push on me. i threw up after, and i walked home bare foot. i washed him off me. me and Dennis made it together in a way even though we faced him alone except that one time he made Dennis stay. i felt worse of that time. Dennis went away after the summer - i missed him so much. "

Annie is amazingly strong - she is my greatest source of strength for all she survived. She is me and I am her, we are one. I hid her for years believing I could not face my truths - it was in facing my truths that I was strengthened and freed. It took 25 years and then the priest(s). Oh the betrayal - I still feel him recreating the original abuse, claiming Jesus was guiding him to save me and I remember and feel the back of his hand across my face. It is a forever sting, forever.........

and so October is when I honor some of my past as it is a part of me. I don't run from truth any more - I live in it all. From MS to childhood abuse to betrayal by Roman Catholic clergy and so too I revel in the truth of my love with Skipp, our peaceful home, nature, my blessed Mom, my children, friends and our dog Gracie-Blue. All have merit, purpose and reason. To rid myself of any part of that which is me is to destroy my design - not happening. My design, the fabric of my life is made up of many squares each colored with its own unique experience and all connected and integrated. I am whole.

The squares and design of October are in the forefront right now as I remember, feel, smell, see, know, believe and stand firm. Later, I can surrender in to sweet drifting as the time to remember slips away in to my body and mind and spirit. The miracle of healing and freedom and empowerment is that I am in charge and I choose "it" so to stay true to myself, always.

Zero to Thirty -Thirty to Sixty - Sixty to Ninety

2011-09-15T11:52:00.000-04:00

We are all in one of the above titled stretches of years - spans if you will. And I can tell you with confidence that the view from 'sixty' to 'ninety is way different than the view in 'zero to thirty' . and 'thirty to sixty'.

When I think of what I understand now as opposed to when I was say, twenty or forty, I am awe struck. It seems that the first thirty years are gauged on learning and planning and gaining an identity of self and choice and style, the second thirty is about being and doing and realizing and putting in to motion our life's quests and desires. The third thirty is a time of reaping the fruits of our choices, some ripened and sweet, some rotted and fallen, some perhaps still ripening but for the most part by the last thirty years we are who we are and we celebrate and regret and believe and doubt and know and wonder and surrender and fight and all from a centered place of self and truth and reality that has been developing for sixty years. There are lines and ware and signs of aging, memories galore of sorrow, happiness, broken hearts, strengths, weakness, love, pain, health and sickness, children, family, - friends have come and gone, and a few forever friends remain.

What's important has changed drastically - and whats hoped for has too. I hope for another 30 years of love and health and peace and mobility with my guy Skipp. I hope that MS does not take over. I hope that my children 'remember' and acknowledge family and faith and God. I hope for a simple home with enough food and warmth to sustain and laughter and music and LOVE in volume. I hope for courage and strength and faith to face whatever lies ahead and I hope for joy in the simplest of miracles and nature's beauty and gifts in every day. I hope for hugs and smiles, tears and rage at injustice. I hope to be remembered (closer to the ninety mark not sixty-phew.), because I made a positive, loving and purposeful difference. Amen.

An aluminum pie plate, a plastic watering can and our charcoal grill

2011-09-03T11:32:00.001-04:00

And so we survived- perhaps even thrived, more or less. A week with no electricity or running water!! Irene, despite her somewhat weakened status when she slammed in to Connecticut ravaged the coastline here. When we took a drive to 'see' the damage it was devastating, homes were lost, extreme flooding, trees torn up from their roots and power lines and utility poles snapped like twigs. Irene's wrath was evident, for sure.

And so we settled in to creative survival mode. We (well, Skipp), hauled five gallon buckets of water from the brook in back which has a deeper spot to fill the buckets for flushing. In the mornings we heated a big pan of water on the grill which we mixed with brook water in our large watering can which has a lovely rain shower type spout. In just my underwear and bra I sat on a plastic seat whilst Skipp poured water over me and I washed my hair and other essential parts and then rinsed. ahhhhhhhhhhhh, and then we re-filled and I poured warm water over Skipp while he "showered" as well. Thank goodness our back deck faces the woods. :-) (sorry about the placement of these photos - blogger wont let me cut and paste them) oh well!! :-)

We heated water for coffee and created a type of french press - it was delicious. We cooked eggs in the aluminum plate and put sausage on aluminum foil and made toast and even waffles. Breakfast was always so good. Lunch was usually peanut butter and jelly and for dinners we cooked everything we had from burgers to chicken to fish. Once all the perishablefood that we could safely use was cooked we then heated soups, stew, beans - right in the cans!! The nights were long - we played cribbage, trivia, scrabble by hurricane lamps and candles - and we sang and played guitar out on the deck with the torches lit. It really was wonderful.

Oh we had our moments of "enough" and even snapped at one another from time to time!! The toilet thing was the worst. Our own personal 'systems' were all off as well - and the exhaustion from the steps necessary to eat or shower or go to the bathroom were, at times, quite overwhelming. We talked each other down or up and made jokes and quickly balanced knowing that we had to keep on keeping on. And we did!! It was quite an adventure and a testament to our love, strengths, weaknesses, humanities, neighborly kindness and faith, yes faith!!

GOODNIGHT IRENE!!

A DECLARATION

2011-08-13T11:37:00.001-04:00

All of us are fighting some kind of battle. Each and every one of us. I saw a movie last night, titled - "Trust". Very powerful content. The ending song was a song titled "My Declaration" by the singer/songwriter 'Tom Baxter'. I chose the woman Eliza Bennett singing it because it was the only one I could find with the lyrics. Each word is a challenge, a promise, a hope, a faith hard driven. I want every line to continue to be my quest and truth. Please take q moment to listen and hear the words - let me know your thoughts. I hope you are inspired and challenged as much as I was.

Our garden abundant - life thickens too

2011-07-26T11:35:00.003-04:00

Oh these steamy summer days. Our garden is thriving though, as pictured above. Enlarge them. especially the mostly green one that also shows the front of our house to see all the tomatoes on the two hanging plants - about 45 of them and one just beginning to redden. We are quite pleased. And my beautiful butterfly bush is filled with all types of butterflies - I was able to capture a picture of one as shown above. Our daisies are so abundant - we even moved a large amount of them to another location along our brook. Still, they fill in so thick. The second and third picture of the pinkish flower? I am embarrassed to admit I don't recall what it is. Anyone know what kind of flower that is? Thanks.

And so too, life thickens, realities and truths intensify and grow bigger, some good, some not so much. Our love thickens every moment - our gratitude for our bounty intensifies and the blessings grow bigger and more humbling. Challenges increase too, mobility issues and pain management and adjustments to limits while maintaining an aura of celebration for all that is still possible. Such a delicate balance. Summer, as it yields such green and growth and lovely scents of blossoms and sounds of birds and bees and the bull frogs bellowing at night - it also by its natural heat and humidity takes it toll on MS as my muscles struggle for every step, and my nerve endings excite in pain - I am given hope and the faith for new life as I look and feel and hear and smell and even taste the full growth and fertility and virility and beauty of summer. By design it attacks me and revives me in one moment.

I have learned to redefine what success means. Let me explain by this example. Skipp and I had a heart to heart about traveling. For me, when I walk from our front door to our car and travel down town and out for lunch I feel so normal and successful and so grateful. If I stay focused on what I cannot do like travel more than two hours or navigate an airport I will be in a constant of "poor-me". I refuse to live like that. There are so many things I can do and at times I long for what I once was able to do without a second thought - those days are gone. And new days of celebration of what I can do have emerged. I was reading another blog and a dear friend of mine wrote about her desire to climb a mountain by a river near by. I commented that for me, climbing a mountain has taken on a new meaning - when I make it up a curb or a step I have climbed a mountain. Hallelujah!

To finally get to this place of celebrating my reality is life-giving, much like our garden. Oh yes, the stuff I can't do is like the weeds in our garden trying to choke the life out of the abundance - out of me, - so I choose not to focus on the weeds, - rather I do my best to celebrate the abundance of freedom and life in my vision. I never forget that the weeds (MS symptoms), are there because I have to tend to those weeds (symptoms), so they don't take over. Please don't think that I don't have my days of tantrums and "why me?", because I do. But most days, after my woe-is-me times, seeing our garden and being loved is the best cure and life-giver to balance me. Soon it will be Autumn - a season of change.
Amen.

Come on in - take a look around.

2011-07-03T10:59:00.001-04:00

The pictures above are of the new "back or extra" room now a wonderful peaceful reading and music room. The view is the best from any where in the house. The chairs are wicker. - enlarge to hopefully see the colors better. The ladder leads up to a sleep loft we had built for Dolan when this was his room. I also have our Wll in here for my exercise and balance program and we play golf and tennis and bowling and other fun games together. :-) This is our escape room. I love reading n here in the corner and looking out to the woods. It is SO peaceful.

The above pictures are all of our gorgeous bedroom, with the tree house - tropical Island hut theme. Enlarge for better view, especially the picture over our bed which I took of the last time me, and my Mom and Sis were all at Chatfield Hollow together gathering greens for the graves. The last one above is of the peak which is a gold glitter swirl and just above my computer table. And on our bed? That is "Berringer" our bear cub. He is the actual size of a bear cub and is so soft and cuddly - great to lean on to read or snuggle with on a Winter's day. :-)

And this last one is of our very lush garden. It has filled in so thick and beautiful. :-) We are so blessed.

And to think of all that I have lived, all we both have lived and survived - and to find one another amidst all the possibilities and circumstance. I believe, I know "I Was On My Way To Him and Him To Me - all part of a greater plan. Hallelujah!!!

Go on, regardless.

2011-06-10T16:01:00.000-04:00

A year old! Damien Chase - I don't know him. He does not know me. I am his Gram - the many facets of why this is so are heart wrenching at best. I heard he was sick - in the hospital even - needs surgery of varying kinds. The details are not shared. This is one of those "oh just go on with my life and be happy regardless situation" that is way easier said than done. It's his Mom's birthday too this month - I sent a package - filled with love. I had a letter written with some serious guilt and shame on her in it - I sealed and re-enveloped her card at least 10 times - and now I have a bunch of cards with no envelopes :-). I didn't send the letter. Wanna know what finally helped me decide? Ready? Oprah! I swear it's true. She said how we are all responsible for our own lives (I know this) and that we are also responsible for the energy we bring to others (I know this). The energy in the letter of guilt and shame was bad energy. The package had only love in it.
For Damien? I had a little Nascar shirt designed with his name on it and a Nascar Teddy Bear too. For her? A plaque that said 'daughter are to be cherished'. also I found a card I had sent to her when she was 16 - it said she could always count on me - I sent that along, and some pictures of her family, here - that loves and misses her. Her estrangement from me, us....breaks my heart. I am reminded in June - she was born June 21st. Her own daughter as well, she has distanced herself. Her daughter left because of the boyfriend - terrible situation. He is Damien's father. My daughter wants him to stay - she is paying a high price to hold on to him. Use your imagination.
And so June will end- and I will go on with my life, regardless - I keep a candle in every window - lit all year so she can find her way home.

Please pray she finds her way home.

Computer will be shut down for a few.

2011-06-03T09:58:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note. My computer is being shut down today. We are finishing the painting in our room and getting ready for the new carpeting being installed tomorrow. It will be a few days after that before things are back together. I am SO happy with the colors and our "tree-house" theme. It feels so natural and simple. See you all soon.

I Wont Back Down

2011-05-18T11:48:00.000-04:00

Okay, I officially dislike 'systems', corporate systems are the worst. That "$250,000.00 diagnosis post I wrote - where-in my parents-plus loan could be "forgiven" Hah!! There is a loop-hole. Seems that any loans secured after 1993 don't qualify!! What? What does "when" have to do with "why"?? I am on Social Security Disability and I cannot work. Duh!! I do meet criteria for "unable to work" which has a different process after 1993. Every six months I fill out the "I cannot work" form and I can do this for thirty six months = six times. Then I qualify for financial hardship which will defer the loan for another 25 months. Perhaps it is me but if one cannot work the obvious outcome is a financial hardship. Can you even believe this rhetoric??!! SO for the next six years I can defer the loans as outlined above.After that I have NO idea. I am not at all happy with this plan. I am going to contact an attorney because I find it very odd that I was told to submit VERY personal health information signed by two physicians which I was told would then qualify me for 'loan-relief'. Clearly, when I was told of this option it was known that my loans were secured after 1993 and therefore the conditions stated above applied. So why then would 'they direct me to submit the "personal health information" necessary to be relieved from the loan full well knowing I didn't have a chance in hell because my loans were secured after 1993. . Mind - boggling! I swear I am going to 'stand my ground' AND "I Wont Back Down"

A villa in Tuscany and a rainbow

2011-05-09T11:56:00.006-04:00

(play the video as you read) :-)

The sun shined brightly, warmly, as a breeze swirled around us in gentle delight.The scent of lilacs filled the air, the bees were busy , calmly buzzing, birds sang and the brook babbled gently. A day so beautiful, so filled with blessings. As my Mom and I sat together before dinner we were so thrilled for this moment in time. Skipp turned the CD speaker to face out the window and put on one of my Mom's favorite singers - Andrea Boccelli - as he sang for us and we were surrounded and consumed we felt like we were in Tuscany - at a villa -

Just before we had given her a gardenia corsage. She cried oh so softly as she recalled a time when my Dad bought her one while they were in New York City 50 years ago. She delighted in the aroma and I could feel her memories so alive. Our meal was so lovely, so kind and loving. I felt overwhelmed with the gifts of love around us and with in us - almost too much to absorb in the best of ways.

As we drove home a sun shower popped up - and my Mom said "after a Spring rain rainbows appear" And within seconds, right before us appeared the most beautiful rainbow of hues of lavender, mint green, blue, yellow, pink - it was divine. We were in awe and kept thanking our God for the natural gift of a rainbow.

Our day together was so wonderful - "I love you Mom"

Love, Gail peace.......

PATIENCE/TOLERANCE

2011-05-02T11:25:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I have posted. Partly because my life is so different in the best of ways because Skipp is not working and therefore home with me. We love being together - each day an adventure of simple pleasures, blessings, gratitude, laughter, music, shared meals and kindness. Of course, everything has a price - and we are concerned about our finances and very concerned about health insurance. We have applications in process and still have another month of 100% coverage while we explore options. And come November I am eligible for MediCare because I am on disability and Skipp can continue on whatever insurance we get until he has employment with benefits. Phew.

Also, I had a minor setback with the MS where I had extreme weakness in my bad leg (the right one) and I have had to 'beef up' my toning and strengthening and also elevation of the leg so to improve and to avoid IV steroids!! Slowly, it is coming back to my abnormal-normal. And, I have done something to the upper muscles in both arms, - I believe due to the extra strain of compensating for the weakness in my leg. I am going to the doctor tomorrow for that. Geesh.

I wanted to put some thoughts out about patience and tolerance and hopefully hear back from you about your understanding of these words. I wrote on Face Book that I believe ..........."patience is when you are waiting/hoping for something/someone to change and tolerance is when you accept 'whatever as it is and whomever just as they are." Thoughts? As I delve even deeper patience can actually appear righteous if I am waiting for someone to 'come around to my way of thinking because I believe I am more right!!. And that whomever will 'see the light' as I do. Oh my. Patience is also a gift to one's self and to another if we are quietly supportive while some one else finds their way, reaches their goal or resolves a problem. Patience has many faces. Tolerance has only one face, - that of acceptance - regardless of how different or odd whatever//whomever may seem - some things are not for us to decide - only to accept. Of course I am NOT speaking about evil or acts against humanity or hate crimes and so forth. puh-lease! I/you/we have every right to rise up against such injustice. Tolerance, for this writing is about people living their lives, being who they are, believing as they do for the greater good.

Patience? Tolerance? What do you think?

A song remembered

2011-04-10T11:02:00.001-04:00

We picked up my Mom from dialysis yesterday. With Skipp off from work we are happy to do this each Saturday. It is now part of our routine, rhythm so to speak. She enjoys a weekly burger, fries and a root beer soda after leaving dialysis - that is in the rhythm as well. :-)

She is very weak after her treatment. Skipp had to lift her in to the car as her legs just couldn't hold her. It hurts my heart to see her so weakened. sigh........... She chatters all the way home about her treatment - not unlike someone with PTSD from a trauma of some sort. This too is hard to hear, feel, know. She is so very brave. so gentle, so fragile and loving. And she maintains a lovely grace and confidence that fills me with joy. It is all so bittersweet.

When we arrived at her home my sister joined us for a nice visit -lots of laughs and some trips down memory lane. We recalled quite vividly when my sister and I took dance lessons and how all of our relatives came to our recitals. I started when I was three! We remembered one recital in particular and how the finale was just wonderful. Miss Connie, our instructor was a woman of large stature, long red wavy hair and profound talent and Broadway beauty and style.

We all began to sing the song from that finale - , "The Best Things In Life Are Free" -

Enjoy.................and keep on singing and dancing.

Today is a good day.......

2011-03-21T10:52:00.002-04:00

I love how Winter and Spring blend - each believing they are in full force. It is snowing here today - and has picked up in intensity since I took these pictures. The daffodil stems are covered in white and the green buds are hiding. Spring is like a 'lady-in-waiting'. :-) Winter, a gallant prince.
And today is a day of wonderful celebration. My son Dolan was born today at 8:38 this morning - weighing in at 9 pounds 9 ounces. Ouch! He was so beautiful when he was born. They laid him on me right after he was born and we rested snuggled and I told him things that only a new Mother knows right after they see their child for the first time. It was glorious. And his life has been purposeful and well-intended. He is a published writer and an English teacher at an International High School. He teaches English as a second language. He directed and performed in a comedy troupe for several years called 'Group Of Names' and they performed in such places as Carolines in Manhattan and many other venues. He lived in Prague for a year and traveled throughout Europe and he also traveled across the United States one summer with two good friends. He is a good man - and cares about all life - he is sensitive, wise beyond his years and very, very funny. His intelligence is mind boggling - and his gentle approach to challenges and obstacles, inspiring. He is a very old and beautiful soul. And one of my greatest gifts and blessings.

Meanwhile, Skipp and I are still like two school kids on vacation - that summer right before High School where the future is unknown and a bit scary - but together, we know we will meet the challenge. Every meal, every wake up, every walk, every laugh, every tear, every humble moment of gratitude - we are thrilled to just be together. Hallelujah!!

Since it is snowing today we are going to tape and get ready to do some more painting. Have tomato soup and grilled cheese for lunch and frolic a bit with our Gracey-Blue. She loves the snow. Did I mention that TODAY IS A GOOD DAY. Well, now I have. :-)

The $250,000.00 envelope was mailed today.

2011-03-06T10:33:00.001-05:00

Yes, worth close to a quarter of a million dollars. I am sure you are all wondering, "what?" And so I will tell you.

Some years back, when my son started college I secured some of his tuition through a "parent's assist" program. Even though he was granted large sums in scholarships and grants each year fell short. I, without hesitation, secured the rest for each year until he graduated, cum laude I might add from, NYU. I paid faithfully every month until my health insisted I work part time and eventually my health was such that I took early retirement, and went on to Social Security Disability. I knew I had to adjust my monthly payment and so I called my lender. And we spoke and I told him of my 'situation' and that I needed to lower my payment. He went on to say that I was in good standing and that he would be sendin gme a form to complete and have signed by my doctor. He went on to say that once he received that completed form he would forward it on to the payment department and that my loan should be "forgiven".!! I froze in space for a moment, and I said, "excuse me, did you say forgiven as in wiped clean"? And he said, yes, exactly, "forgiven as in no longer owed"!! We spoke further about the paperwork etc., and concluded our call. I completed the form and my doctor signed it and my neurologist wrote a letter attesting to my permanent disability, as well. It is all in the envelope and being mailed today. Phew. The reason I came up with almost a quarter million dollars as an amount is because with the interest over years and years that's close to how much I would have paid back on the original $60,000.00 owed, accumulated over the four years. Of course, I will be unsure until I actually receive the 'notice of forgiveness' but who knew such a thing even existed? Certainly not me. Fingers and toes crossed And wouldn't it be quite ironic if my having been diagnosed with MS also had a monetary value of almost a quarter of a million dollars. Now that is a real mind boggler-blower of monumental proportion.

I am beyond the worst of the tests and the more or less generic one is on hold for now. One test was like being tazered, really - tazered over and over again for about forty minutes. . Never again. I wasn't going to go at all but instead I pushed them up and got them over with. And as far as these tests directing or changing treatment? Didn't happen. I have nerve damage, "duh", I freaking knew that already. And balance?, I know it is off - again, "duh"!! So I am through with those. Thanks everyone for your prayers and love and concern and care.

And so life goes on. Irony, fair, unfair, surprises, challenges. We feel good about doing the right thing, well right according to us - maybe someone else would see a greater or different 'right'. I do think that two rights can coexist and it is hard to choose which right is more right in the moment. And choosing one right over the other right doesn't negate the rightness of the one not chosen. Wow, now there's amouthful, huh? :-) We have always been generous and shared our fortune of home and love and kindness, helping those in need albeit for food, shelter, safety, understanding, celebration, sorrow and on and on. We do what we can when asked. Now it is the right thing for us to take care of us as well, or first or.................

you see- Skipp lost his job on Friday. As much as the hostile work environment he tolerated every day was a huge relief to be free of he was devastated that he was let go due to differences of managerial style. Skipp being one who manages with respect, kindness, fairness, and team work and his owner _______________ And as much as we are SO happy to be together it is a scary time for us financially. And the BIG issue is health insurance. We have much to sort out, cut back, redefine, adjust and accept.

We believe in 'us' and that we will get through this regardless of what changes we must make. We are scared and excited too as this is our time now - together - to set the stage for our life. We have people who love us and really care and that will lend support. Our biggest asset is our love for one another and and our desire to always be greatful and count our blessings. But this is our time, yes, "Our time".......

Love Gail, peace.......

"What do you want from me?" "That's Life""

2011-02-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

I heard Adam Lambert sing this on "Ellen" and I absolutely loved the song so I thought I would share it with all of you. I so appreciate his voice and style when he is soft and contemporary. I also liked the lyrics - thoughtful and well intended - identifiable. I hope you all enjoy it.

Moving along - I am facing some medical tests over the next few weeks - markers really for management and treatment. One in particular will tell if I have nerve damage in my legs and/or MS activity. If I have nerve damage there is a medication for the pain - however I am very concerned about the risks. The MRI is so confining and the balance test and nerve test are an hour each and unsettling. I also completely dislike the focus on the disease. Then I meet with the neurologist on March 23rd to discuss the findings and disease management and so forth. Yuck BIG yuck!!!

A big thanks to Grizz for his shared wisdom, understanding and very real input via email -

And as the saying goes - "this too shall pass". I found myself researching holistic neurologist - there are none that specific - although there are holistic doctors - homeopathic doctors that treat autoimmune diseases. I guess I should stick with this guy for now. Although I want to scream in his face - "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"!! So be the song I posted above.

I promised myself and Grizz that I will NOT focus on those four hours, for the three tests and the follow-up visit - but rather all the other hours and days that I wont be in medical drama! It is hard to not worry and feel anxious and anticipate - any ideas on how to best do that will be greatly appreciated. My life has SO many blessings to fill my mind and spirit, heart and soul. Still, those invasive feelings around those four hours creep in - and take hold.

I went to the hair salon today and I got my hair -hi-lited and it looks really nice and I got my nails done too. A nice light Spring pink so I feel good about that. :-) I actually feel good about a lot. I guess I will honor my fears and feel what I feel and also celebrate my freedom and all the wonderful feelings that go with that. Balance! It's all about balance. Like Diane posted about, life is a bunch of good news and bad news. Without the comparison we wouldn't even know the difference and how awful would that be to never feel extreme or neutral, happy or sad. It all has a purpose.
That's Life!

Candle-lit hugs

2011-02-03T10:19:00.001-05:00

The ice thickened on the trees, roofs, side walks and windows - the air was a crystal mist - blurred with white sleet and frozen ice pellets. I wondered if the world was going to freeze over - for the most part it did.

Beautiful, huh? As we looked out from our windows we were reminded of nature's force. Our power went out and our world was still 'cept for the ice crystals in movement and in sound. Tree branches creaked and snapped and windows and doors held on as the ice and sleet pounded their resistance. As darkness fell and our home chilled we stoked the fire and kept a pot of water simmering for hot tea. We made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and lit candles and oil lamps. Skipp played guitar and we sang for hours- we played cribbage, and hangman and laughed heartily. We opened a wonderful heavy oak and buttery flavored chardonnay - we talked, honestly and intimately about life, our life, our hopes and fears, dreams and blessings. There were tears and long hugs, some times those hugs that are desperate and rough - clinging and hanging on - we groped and gazed, and held on to one another in the best of ways. It was glorious and when the power did come back on - we preferred the truth of candle lit hugs.

Love Gail,
peace.......

BLESSINGS

2011-01-16T11:08:00.001-05:00

Someone commented on my last post about blessings and how they are created and that we do not sit back passively and acquire them. I thought A lot about this since he wrote it and decided to delve.

I do believe we create blessings - or perhaps as we 'live' we see parts of our life as blessed and/or filled with blessings. So is it attitude or creation or gifts or all three? Hmmmmmmmmm. I do see many aspects of my/our life as blessed - our peaceful home, love, family, friends, food, wine, nature all around, our dog, managing our health, income, insurance, the wood stove, our 'stuff'. :-), warm clothes and running water, pooping regular, sex, and on and on - so, attitude? creation? gifts bestowed? a combination of all of those? And what of my Mom's miraculous recovery - coming back to life? Truly a blessing - and not of our creation - a true gift. :-) And my sister surviving her heart attack - another blessing given - sunrise, sunset, moon and tides, oceans and lakes, flowers and trees, the seasons, faith and hope, my daughter called, she said "I love you Mommy", blessings? Oh yes. And I only had to receive them all. Lucky me, huh? Lucky me. :-) So many blessings received. Amen.

Blessings known

2011-01-12T11:05:00.002-05:00

Quite a storm here - over 20" of snow and it is still snowing - although lighter now, but still.......it started around 11:00 last night....I awoke around 3:00 and the visibility was zero when I looked out - completely white - and so quiet - like cotton fluff falling - it was beautiful. I crawled back in to bed snug and warm and smiled hard and long as I drifted off to sleep - filled with gratitude for the many blessings in my life. Gracey-Blue was content sleeping under my side of the bed - my husband was sound asleep with the blankets pulled tightly to his chin.

The above song by Joni Mitchell has a line in it about 'blankets to my chin'. Skipp sings this song so beautifully and it is one of my/our favorites to sing. He does an amazing job on guitar too. Such a talent. :-)

We are going to enjoy the day at home. I have a lasagna all made and ready to be heated later. We have a wine rack with a variety of red wines from which to choose for our Italian meal - we bought garlic knots to heat up and there is plenty of wood inside for a good fire in our wood stove to warm us - I just looked out our slider and the snow is coming down hard again - it is so beautiful since we are home - together - blessed and in love. Amen.

SWEET SURRENDER

2011-01-09T12:19:00.000-05:00

If only you believe as I believe. oh ya, some of the lyrics are so amazing - if you really listen to the desire, passion, love, and glory of it all.

Before you read any further -

**********WARNING*******
the following is sexual in nature. Do NOT read on if you are uncomfortable or find such offensive. You have been warned and given opportunity to leave.

This song always arouses me. I love the intention and desire and passion. I am thankful to say that I still feel such. It isn't something any of us really write or talk about - but the fact of the matter is we are ALL sexual beings - and I celebrate that part of me with great intention and creativity and yet simple, loving, respectful, satisfying outcomes. Amen. :-)

So often I read about violence, and abuse but never the beauty of physical intimacy. The other day I commented on another blog about how I/we were awoken early due to an emergency at Skipp's work - he went off to secure the building while I went outside with Gracey at around 5:00 a.m. (yawn)..... I actually enjoyed the icy mist and my time outside whilst the world was still shadowed and so still. About 6:00 Gracey had enough romping and I found my way back to bed - such good timing because Skipp pulled down the drive about the same time. I slipped under the blankets and quilts and nestled in to the softness. Skipp joined me..........I felt myself surrounded by the warmth of the blankets and our love. I felt his touch and I relaxed in to his magic. The swirl within my flower was wondrous and I relaxed even more to join in his rhythm. I felt myself build and intensify oh so softly and gently - I felt the petals of myself unfold and surrender and become vulnerable - it was a sweet surrender that left me breathless. In time the waves came over me and I rode each one with joy - the sleep that followed was heavenly.

And so that is what I meant when I wrote about a heavenly sleep. I didn't write about such on your blog - but ever since I have been drawn back to the experience and the pure joy and love I left out in my comment.

I trust that those of you who chose to read on respect the love and honor in this writing. It was glorious.
Take time to listen to the song - some of the lyrics are so honest and intimate. Here's to comfort in sexuality as an expression of love. One expression of many, I might add. :-)

Love Gail
peace.........

Serenity

2011-01-01T10:09:00.000-05:00

2011!! I have been wrestling with what to change, do better, plan for, reach some goal, and so forth. It came to me today that I don't really need to wrestle with anything - my hope is that we maintain our status on many levels - on the home front? life is loving, peaceful, bountiful, with many blessings. We live within our means and share our bounty. The challenges we faced were many and we fought for good outcomes. Perhaps the balance of so many blessings gave us the strength we needed. I had some setbacks with the MS and did what I had to do to strengthen and keep moving. The fall we took in August was life-changing. We are stronger now.

So for 2011 I hope to continue managing, living, - no big goals or expectations beyond celebrating our freedoms and blessings we are so fortunate to have. I have learned to adjust - accept - and shine the serenity prayer to what life hands us.

I hope all your dreams for 2011 are realized - and that you are free to explore each one. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, we have to adjust our dreams to fit our realities. May all your adjustments be minor. :-)

Here's to all of you

2010-12-28T11:54:00.004-05:00

And so the years draws to a close. We all survived, perhaps even thrived or barely slid by, succeeded, conceded, settled, forged on, accepted, rejected, cried, laughed, hoped and prayed in times of desperation and in times of celebration - and without ever setting eyes on any of you - or any of you upon me - we shared in all of this together. Amazing. our hearts are intimate, known and vulnerable to one another and I feel so very close to all of you.

I feel so blessed to take all of you with me in to 2011 and that you have allowed me the privilege of following all of you into 2011 as well. Your shared wisdom, love, support, gifts and talents, family traditions, happy and sad times told, understanding and support are so precious to me.

2010 certainly brought its challenges into focus and so too it showed kindness and miracles and blessings. Life is like that, huh? :-) My Mom literally coming back to life was our greatest joy and blessing - my eldest daughters distance my greatest heartache - and every possible wonder and sorrow in between these highs and lows have all been known. And here I am, writing to all of you today to say your presence in my life made the wonderful that much more wonderful and the sorrows more bearable. "thank you" and "Happy-healthy New Year to all of you"

UNIVERSAL CHILD

2010-12-18T10:52:00.000-05:00

for all the children this Christmas season and all year too, I pray for your suffering to end and that you feel the light of hope in your hearts. Amen

About "HELP"

2010-12-16T11:29:00.000-05:00

Such a great song - we all need "help" from time to time, right? And sometimes we are the helpers - it is an ebb and flow. For all the help you have so freely and loving given and for all the help you have allowed me to bestow I am forever grateful. "Merry Christmas".....

Wild WOrld

2010-12-13T17:49:00.001-05:00

Like an echo across a vast canyon.....

2010-12-12T11:03:00.003-05:00

And so it is that this most blessed season of hope, miracle, promise, love and joy - there is also sadness, sorrow, grief and loss. And I am not the bearer of such bad news nor is it my intention to dampen any spirit - I am, however, acknowledging that amidst the 'fa-la-la-la-la's there are tears.
Each of us is fighting some kind of battle, or battles - health challenges, loss, fears, resentment, anger, perhaps rage or dare I say the unspeakable feelings of hate -

Yes, amidst all the love and joy and hope there is suffering. I, like most of you, rise above such sorrow and celebrate the birth of Jesus and honor family traditions and spread love and good news and humbly give and receive. 'Tis the season.....'

As you all know - my eldest daughter is estranged from us and it hurts my heart so. I sent her a card with family pictures and also gifts for the children. She called.................and I could hear her speak - she said all the right things - the 'thank you's", and the "I love you's and updates on the baby. Her voice? It was an echo, across a vast canyon - I could not get hold of the origin or the place and space from where her words came - I could hear her - but the echo was in the distance - so far- so lost in the space of time and distance - I ached beyond expression.

This echo, this vast space of time and distance - leaving me unaware of where she really is was quite profound - when I got off the phone I shivered and held my arms across my chest, rocking - remembering when I held her in my arms and tears fell silently down my face and I wished her 'home'......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFGfCn5rKIM

HOPE IN A BOX

2010-12-06T11:22:00.000-05:00

I awoke to a lovely gentle snow this morning - so soft and pretty to watch. I stepped out on to our upper deck and breathed deeply as cold snow flakes fell on to my hair and face....each flake like a promise of new hope. I was so excited to wake Skipp - "honey, it's snowed -, it's still snowing - everything is white!" He joined me on the deck - we stood silently in each others arms as the softest flakes landed on us so gently and quietly - I/we felt SO alive.

I especially love the reflection of the tree in the pond out front. I love the first snow - each year it's beauty and meaning magnify as I realize how precious and fragile life is.
My wonderful sister-in-law spent the afternoon with me yesterday - she wrapped ALL our Christmas gifts. She is an artist and so detailed. She did a beautiful job. I am so blessed to have people in my life like Sherri so willing to help - wanting to help - I am humbled by her gracious giving of her time and talents to me. She asked me a question about my "Thanksgiving' letters and why I did not post my daughter Jennifer's. I explained that only those who sit at our Thanksgiving table get a letter - however, I did write one for Jennifer, as well. :-) And thank you Sherri for reminding me and I am thrilled to post it below.

Thanksgiving 2010

Jennifer-

First and foremost is how you make me laugh, mostly at myself as a result of your quick with and never let anything slide approach, from a BIV to having MS - you have a way of easing the moment by getting me to laugh. “Thank you’.

I truly love that you live close by - that we share in one anther's daily lives and help one another without being invasive. I feel so good when you stop by with Joel and Zak or alone - it is always fun and loving. I know you understand my loss over your Sister and the choices she has made - and I know you have tried to stand up for me and that means a lot. Some things are just not resolvable.

I think you are so beautiful, inside and out. I love how you decorate your home and your flare for antiques and old fashioned nick-knacks. Your home is lovely - and I so appreciate how you love to cook and that you ask me for recipes or how I make whatever. I always love how much you love family tradition, especially Christmas eve and now, these Thanksgiving letters. I am so thankful that family matters to you and that you care about these traditions. I find comfort in knowing that you will carry these family traditions on when I am no longer here to do so. The magnitude of that hope fills me with great joy. “Thank you”......

I am so grateful that you show your love for Nana and that you were there every step of the way when she took ill. And you also were so helpful in making sure I got to see her too. Your visits to the hospital, doctors and transportation to dialysis are HUGE acts of love and kindness. I sing your praises all the time about how helpful you are, and how lucky we are to have you close to us. For all you do and so much more I “thank you”, with al tht I am, with all that I know to be right and good and loving, I “thank you”......
And remember Jen,
I love you......NO MATTER WHAT
Mom......

thanks Sherri.. :-) and how many of you know what BIV means? :-)

Now, about "hope-the tree". Oh my goodness - she is dieing not much left to her. Sherri gave me a beautiful ornament for Hope - a jeweled peace sign, so sparkly and lovely - and we hung it proudly on our Christmas tree. I knew that Hope-the tree was barely hanging on for some time now and I was SO afraid to even say the words that "hope is dieing". My goodness. I now have a gorgeous "Hope-box", box of hope - all of the items folks have sent for Hope-the tree are now safely in the "Hope-Box". So HOPE IS ALIVE in the "Hope-Box"

So as you can see HOPE is alive with all of the hope folks have sent me now filling the new "Box of Hope"!! It was really hard to take the items off of Hope-The-Tree and place them in their new setting - but it is done. Hope never dies - it may change its setting but it NEVER dies.

Below is a picture of our manger and our tree and our dining room table. The manger is the same manger I grew up with. The animals and Joseph, Mary and Jesus and the Wise Men were my grandmother's- they are almost 100 years old. I am so honored to have this manger to display each year.

Look closely at the tree and you can see the beautiful jeweled 'peace/hope ornament Sherri gave us. Also, all of our ornaments are 'collector-series'. Skipp has been buying me ornaments for almost 20 years. Each one, each set is so meaningful, about love and family and hope. And also I have ornaments my Dad made right before he died and ones my kids made when they were little. It was hard when I hung Kristie's on the tree- she was seven when she made it and we were so close. Oh how I miss my little girl. :-( Please continue to pray that her heart will open and she will see and feel the love and light of her family, once again.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS"

ELISA- Pronounced "Elizza"

2010-11-28T18:50:00.002-05:00

Lovely, yes? Our gift this Thanksgiving - the following letter I wrote after dinner since it was a surprise she was coming - AND I did not know her until after....... Elisa is from Italy, here just 8 years. Her accent and Italian style is so heart warming and pure - the letter speaks for itself -

Thanksgiving 2010-

Dear Elisa:

The immense joy began the moment you came through the door with Dolan. You were a beam of light, a breath of fresh air, a loving spirit, beautiful energy and a loving presence felt by all. You filled the room in the best of ways.

I am so grateful you came for Thanksgiving dinner. People often ask, - “Is there such a thing as love at first sight?” I can say, without a doubt that there is because it happened with you. Your lovely spirit and beautiful sound are like poetry, song and verse blended in harmony. I love how you speak with your whole self - your body moves in rhythm with your words and expression making being in your presence a total and wonderful experience. Being in your presence was such a gift to me - there are no words to convey the truth of that completely. Your appreciation of our home and its meaning meant so much - and I watched as you absorbed our traditions and creative style so lovingly and how well it blended in to you - and how you “fit” so well in to our humble world. I was overtaken with delight.

You had no idea how much I needed to have YOU here - I didn’t even know it myself until I felt the gentle beauty of your presence filled our home. As you melted over, around and though us I realized that I had sorrow I was hiding and loss I was grieving and pain I was covering and the lovely blanket of pure love you swept over us overpowered all the hurt and covered me with pure and natural joy. “Thank you” Your energy and natural intent and loving purpose is like no other I have experienced in a very long, long time. Hallelujah!

I am so grateful that you are ‘with’ Dolan and that you are loving him. Knowing that brings me great joy and relief and hope. It was such a gift to me to have you join us for the Thanksgiving holiday. What you ‘brought’ just by being you is such a blessing and amongst one of my most treasured gifts this year

Love Gail

peace.................

Our day was wonderful and bountiful in so many ways. I hope all of yours was too. And I am SO happy to tell you all that Elisa is joining us for the extended Christmas celebrations and family traditions. I am so looking forward to her excitement and all that she brings of her loving self. - and one more thing. She plays piano - classical piano - I was mesmerized by her talent. She sat, before the keyboard facing the picture window in Dolan's old room, now our music/guest room. The view beyond was lovely, of a deep November day, naked trees and gray-blue sky - and her fingers danced across the keys and the sound filled me, filled the room and I was in heaven.

I miss them both and I cannot wait until December 23rd when they will be 'home'. Hallelujah........

Notes Of Thanks

2010-11-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

A humble time of gratitude, shared blessings and perhaps silent desires for those not here. It becomes a blend of great joy, and truth be told, tears of sadness for those I miss. More so for those still alive that have lost their way - and cannot find their way home - and especially to you my daughter - I leave the candles on in every window and the light of love in my heart to guide your way home.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your friendship, love, shared wisdom and truth, kindness, inspiration, hope, family events, both great and small, triumphant and tragic, love of nature and the arts, your gifts and talents, dreams and humor, illness and health, For all your support of me and appreciation for my truth and life I "THANK YOU" all.

As you know, I write, 'Why I Am Thankful For You Letters' every year for folks who have Thanksgiving dinner here. I have been doing so since 1992. Originally, I would number the reasons I was thankful for whomever. That only lasted one year since everyone compared notes as to how many 'reasons' were listed on their note. Too funny, huh?? :-)

Here are this years. Just three. It will be simple, lovely, peaceful, delicious, blessed and filled with gratitude.
Thanksgiving 2010

Skipp-
Here we are - another year of glorious love and honor - understanding, kind support, music, so much laughter, embraces, tears of despair, tears of joy, meals shared with criss-crossed place mats, glasses of wine, oh yes the wine, morning coffee, all the Monday night “YAYS” and all those perfect Tuesdays and Wednesdays anticipated and delighted in.

YOU make my life possible - our life possible. - “thank you”.....

We got our Gracey Blue this year - she is part of our pack now.
I continue to be in awe of how you never complain. It seems I need more help at times and you just go with the flow. I know how hard it is for you to deal with your job, but you do so we can have insurance and security. I feel your strength and deep love all the time Skipp - you are a pillar of hope, strength, love and protection. I am SO lucky to have you as my husband, my partner, my best friend, my lover and dance partner - the one I share everything with, - it is always and ONLY you.

If ever two people were destined to live life together it is you and me - I love that you call me every day - 20 times a day - when I hear your voice I still get a lovely shiver and when you say “I love you” I still soar so high and when you look at me and I see the love in your eyes, I melt. When we had that fall together and I saw the hurt in your eyes my heart broke in a million pieces. That one ‘flip’ crystallized so much - the powerlessness I know you feel because you cannot take the MS from me and for me too - to have to surrender to that reality with and for you and for me as well. It rocked our world, huh? But we made it through and beyond and are now stronger for having done so. We are survivors and more.

I love our life together and our peaceful happy home. I am so grateful that I have you to share in all of my days. I am comforted and content, safe and protected, loved and nurtured, and saved - ALL because of YOU. “Thank you” and I love you...
Your girl forever,

Gail

Thanksgiving 2010

Dear Dolan-

I am impressed by your commitment to your writing and getting your stories published. I am thrilled that you seek my critique and opinions of your stories. That means so very much to me.

I also am in awe of your ‘high status’ and respect in your teaching community. You teach workshops and have developed ground breaking techniques for the classroom which have and will continue to have a positive impact on the lives of students and teachers alike for years to come. At such a young age you have created a legacy.

I love that you call me, a lot. I feel your care and concern in your words and humor and interest. I am SO thankful that I matter, that I am worth your while and time and that we have a strong, respectful and loving relationship. It is in the moments we share that I am most often delighted, uplifted, happy and grateful. Being present with you in any moment is one of my most precious gifts.

As I look over my life and what matters and to whom I matter - YOU are at the top of the list - in the top five. :-). You provide a balance of thought and opinion like no one else I know - it is both startling and refreshing. Your clarity and confidence often amaze me - the intensity of your beliefs have overwhelmed me and your intelligent, honest and well informed opinions often empower me. I will tell you that there are times, when I am faced with dilemmas and like that show, “What Would You Do”, I think, “What Would Dolan Do/Say?” And I am prompted in the best of ways to deal with the situation. Cool huh? You are wise beyond your years.

I will end with telling you that I am filled with gratitude to have a son like you. I adore you and believe in you beyond measure - “Thank you” for all that you share with me AND for all that you illicit from me to share with you. Our ebb and flow is perfect.

I Love you Dolan

Mom..........

Thanksgiving 2010

Dear Mom-

This year certainly has had it’s share of life’s challenges, I am in awe of how brave and strong you are as you faced each one. Your faith continues to inspire me and give me hope as you turned to your God in moments of total despair and in moments of pure joy. As you surrendered to harsh realities you found beauty and understanding and gratitude to balance your world. So often your faith was tested and each and every time, your faith won.

I was privileged to watch you literally come back to life - with laughter and song and appetite and mobility and self care and hopes and dreams - they all re-surfaced like gifts waiting to be opened and appreciated. You unwrapped each one and began to live fully again. Oh Mom - like the moth to the butterfly you have emerged - more beautiful than ever - and that sparkle of blue still shining in your eyes. I truly have witnessed and lived this life-giving miracle that together, you and God created. Hallelujah!

I am forever grateful for your seasoned wisdom, unyielding faith, empowering love, and gentle humor. I love how you love me. I love and enjoy our daily talks and that somehow, being so close to you, completes me. I am forever thankful that you are MY Mom - and that our lives are so lovingly blended in the very best of ways.

I love you Mom, forever, and “thank you”

Love,

Gimpy-Gays

I was moved to laughter and tears writing these three letters this year. Each one so purposeful and true. I hope all of you have family and friends that you could write about. And please remember to send prayers that my oldest daughter finds her way home. Thanks.

Love to you all and "Happy Thanksgiving"

The Gold Coin

2010-11-14T17:05:00.001-05:00

The first picture of the gold coin exemplifies, in one humble offering the purpose and meaning of my life's work. Skipp and I hung on his every word as he approached me and said. "I have something to give you...........you see, I received my ten-year gold recovery coin a few weeks ago. I shared my story and I told them my recovery began with you - I have a life because of you so I want to give you this coin...." He placed it in my hand and Skipp and I burst in to tears. We all hugged forever. Over 10 years ago he was one of my first clients when I was the Halfway House Manager and he has been 'clean' ever since and has been a counselor assistant for over seven years.

The next picture is of the 'group gifts' from my co-workers. The book is a "Gail's Memories" book that Ashley (whom I/we lovingly call Sophie-Lennon) created and designed. It is filled with written memories that dozens of my co-workers have of me that they hold dear. I laughed and cried at each wonderful entry.   The glass globe has butterflies in it which is Rushford's insignia and it has an engraving which reads

"Gail, for all those to whom you have given a voice we thank you. Love, your Rushford family" .

Next, my beautiful cake and me with my cake. It was a strawberry short cake. Delicious.

Then, me and Skipp - He was so emotional, proud and overflowing with and for me.

Next, a hug - one of many.

Then, Ashley (Sophie-Lennon) and Tina. Two of my dearest friends and two of the three party planners. Ashley was once my intern.

On to Rosann - the other party planner. She and I go back over 10 years as co-workers and friends. She even gave a speech, a "roast" of sorts. I was thrilled.

And last, a picture of 'the gathering' - folks having fun. :-)

Wow!!

Birth-Death

2010-11-04T13:01:00.000-04:00

I am so honored that so many of my blog-land friends shared with me about their intent and their affection for me. I feel so close to so many of you and I needed those affirmations. "thank you" :-) I have been a tad vulnerable lately - October has it's own historical agendas and as much as November is my most favorite month, it too carries it's sorrow. When November arrives I am quieted by the naked trees, the darkened earth and the dried leaves blowing about in the gray wind. I am inspired to light a fire in the wood stove and simmer hearty soups and stews. I feel the promise of snow in the air and I hold tight to the quilts and comforters to keep the chill off my body as I curl up on the couch and watch the sky deepen and the naked branches sway- almost reaching for the leaves that once were attached. I feel safe inside - nothing can harm me in here. As November 9th draws near I am called to honor two monumental occasions - my Mom's birthday (she will be 87), and my nephew's 'death-day'. (he was just 32). The two forces collide every year. We gather as a family to honor both - and the power of these life-changing realities often brings us to tears, always to song, and moments of celebration and darker moments of "why". But together we join - in honor and memory. This year Skipp and I are making a lasagna and bringing it over to my Sister's/Mom's place. Her other two sons will be there, and my Jen and Dolan - my Mom, of course, - and also my sister's brother-in-law. As most of you recall, my sister lost her husband of 40+ years, two years ago, come this January, - so having his older brother be with us is quite special. My sister's sons name is 'Clayton' - he is also my God child. My Mom's name is 'Louise', or her Italian name is 'Liberata'. If you can, on November 9th, stop and raise a glass or say a prayer for both of them, thanks. :-)

Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday. We are already planning our strategy to shop, prepare and serve. My stuffing recipe is, well, amazing - if I do say so myself. :-) I am getting ready to write my "Why I Am Thankful for You' letters that I write every year for anyone who sits at our Thanksgiving table. Some years were tough given the variety of characters my daughters were dating at the time. Oh my!

The rain is pounding down today as I wait for a dear, dear friend to visit. Seems she, like so many of us, is in transition. I value and appreciate that we are solid - no transitions but rather a firm hold on what is right and good between best friends. What else can I say? Perhaps only to tell you that I believe all is as it should be and that each day, every breath and every step taken is a gift - every hug, life giving, every expression of love - a blessing, To all f you I send hugs and love.

Basic truth - Yoohoo

2010-10-23T11:54:00.000-04:00

It seems I have gotten away from the purpose of my blog - to explore the value of truth - its purpose in the life's journey and how each of us has a truth or truths, an "it" or "its" that we wish were not in fact true, but ah, they are true and this blog is about encouraging people to find theirs and embrace them for dear life. For not to do so is a life of running and escaping and purging from ourselves the very spirited essence of who we are - people spend life times doing just that.

I have shared many truths here and in doing so it seems that others, (some) have found a freedom and a strength to do the same. I wonder though, how all of you really are doing? I got to tell you that lately I sense a distance, or a lag in connection from some of my most avid followers. Yoohoo, do you see me? Have I done something to offend? Yoohoo..............Oh I know folks are busy and life demands our attention else where - there are just some folks I miss seeing - hearing from. Yoohoo.............

So I thought it was time to get back, perhaps, to the original design and purpose of this blog, "Basic truth". And the basic truth is ....I feel like folks have lost interest and therefore have slowly lessened or in some cases, ceased their visits :-( I understand.. So I guess I will just write, as i have, however it makes sense to me in keeping with the 'basic truth'..

I believe 100% that our truth denied is our life denied and to live that life of denial is an exhausting endeavor and it is never ever completed. I know that some of my truths and yours too are quite harsh. We cannot change the fabric of our designs, the experiences that are us are always part of us , good or bad it is ours to face, reconcile and honor. As October comes to a close, and some of my harsh "its" settle within - I realize how lucky I am to "know" and NOT need to hide or run from what I know. As much as the truth is tragic it is mine to behold. They blend with my celebration and victories, each with merit and purpose to be held and offered, and humbly shared.

As Winter closes in and the stillness overtakes my world I am content in my life to "be" as I am.Oh there are things I wish were quite different. I wish mobility was easier and without pain - I wish for more time with Skipp as his job has some long hours some days. I wish my Mom was not suffering. I wish my oldest daughter Kristie would find her way home. And yet I am truly blessed to have Skipp and my Mom and to be able to get around as I do. I am excited for Thanksgiving approaching and all our wonderful Holiday traditions. I love that Dolan calls me every day and that Jen is close by to be part of each other's day to day lives. We have wood for our wood stove and food in the frige and warmth in our hearts and our home. We have music and laughter and faith.........we have love, an abundance of love.....Amen

Dad (re-post)

2010-10-19T09:42:00.001-04:00

The picture up and to the right is my Dad holding my son, Dolan. He adored him. :-)
I apologize for the lack of focus on the photo to the left. It is my Mom and Dad - outside their retirement home just one month before my Dad died - He passed on October 22nd, 1984. The photos above are of our side and back yard views - Autumn is struggling to become vibrant with color - it is more subtle and demure - and yet still is inspiring and promising. I love cloudy Autumn days so much.

The week before my Dad died he was on a mission. It is as if he knew. On the Thursday before he died (he died on a Monday)....he and my Mom came to my house. Dolan, my son was just 7 months old. I remember my Dad saying to me - "Gimpy, (he nic-named me that when I broke my leg when I was eleven), anyway - he said - "Gimpy, if I keep hanging around here this kid is going to start calling me Daddy.". :-) This particular day he wanted to be sure that I knew how to drive my Mom to her sister's house about 30 miles away. He knew how important those visits were to my Mom and her sister. On the way back he was telling my Mom what to do should he have a heart attack while driving. On the Saturday he helped put the roof on the VFW hall of which he was a proud member. On the Sunday he helped his neighbor put together their entertainment center. He was happy to do it. On the Monday, he started his day with a hearty breakfast. Then they went to my sister's house to take care of their youngest son, Ethan - the two older boys, Josh and Clayton were in school. My Mom and Dad took Ethan to Josh's school for an event - and then returned home around 3:15. My Mom was downstairs coloring with Ethan, and my Dad went out on my sister's back deck. Josh headed off to dance lessons and for some reason went out the front door rather than the back deck - they never used the front door. And the Mom that was picking him up, for some reason, backed in to the driveway rather than pulling in - had she pulled in she would have seen my Dad. Clayton came home with his dirt bike which he always put under the back deck - but this day he did not do that and he too came in the front door. My Mom decided to color another picture with Ethan - and then said to Clayton - "go check on your Grand Pa, I hope he isn't raking leaves"!! Clayton did go check and my Dad was laying out on the deck - Clayton yelled for my Mom to call 911 - but it was already too late. My Mom screamed so loud that neighbors came running - and so that is what happened 25 years ago this October 22nd - it was 4:00.

My Dad was a vibrant, proud, hard working man. A real man's man' as the saying goes. People who know me know his fun sayings and antics because I say them and do them (most of them) often. :-) I learned how a man should treat a woman by watching how my parents loved and cared for one another. I learned what it meant to be a real friend, a good son, a loving brother, Dad and neighbor by watching my Dad. I can still recall when the neighbor across the streets house caught on fire and my Dad wanted to go in to rescue her and her dog - the other neighbors stopped him - she and her dog both died that night. My Dad never got over that. I remember when our next door neighbor left his wife and three children. The son was devastated - my Dad invited him over and did what he could to be there for him. My Dad built us a bomb shelter~!! Underground!!!! My Dad's motto was that every day he should make someone laugh. :-) And to always pick up hitch-hikers and take them as far a possible to get to their destination. We crossed state lines many a Sunday doing just that!!!

Every year me, my Mom and sister go to Chatfield Hollow state park and pick greens to make head baskets for my Dad's grave, Clayton's grave, (my sister's oldest son), and now for Kelly's grave - Clayton's Dad who just died, as most of you know, this past January. Chatfield Hollow, in Killingworth, CT is where my Dad worked as a member of the Connecticut Corp of Engineers as a young man - age 17. He and his crew built ALL the bridges in Chatfield Hollow. Every year we go we are reminded of his talents as we stand in awe of the detail of the beautiful bridges in the Park that he helped build. Also, Killingworth is where their retirement home was. :-) He came full circle.

And so this October I honor you Dad for all that you are - the legacy you left behind from bridges to values to love and to ethics to faith and to marriage and mankind. For the lives you saved in WWll and the lives you touched every day of your life. I have learned so much from you and I love you.

Gimpy-Gays

rest in Peace Dad.......

Reuben Pasta Bake

2010-10-17T11:21:00.000-04:00

The pictures are tricky to line up with bloggers new system for adding images. The last two pictures above are of the kind of day it was yesterday for our pasta bake. It was mostly cloudy all day with peeks of sun. The trees are still green with some color appearing. It was a windy and chilly and wonderful. Jen and I had a great time making our Reuben pasta bake. I told Grizz I would share the results and the recipe. So here it is. We doubled the batch:

2 pounds large curly elbow macaroni
(cook, drain, add i/2 stick butter, mix and and set aside.

saute one pound pastrami cut in bite size pieces, add one 12 ounce can sauer kraut and 1/2 stick butter - saute until heated well

add one 16 ounce jar of con queso cheese sauce (I used medium, there is mild or hot as well ).   and 1/2 cup parmesian cheese to pasta, add pastrami and sauer kraut to pasta, mix well.

pour into baking dishes, 9x13, sprinkle with plain bread crumbs, dot with butter, bake uncovered 30 minutes - and when served drizzle with warmed thousand Island dressing.   A very filling and comforting and delicious meal for a chilly Autumn evening.
Enjoy
Love Gail
peace

(I lost my signature template, again,.    eesh.)

Two Out of Three

2010-10-14T18:24:00.000-04:00

I love that he sends it to me first. ME!! My son Dolan is a published writer, so talented, and of high intelligence, intent, passion and wit. And he sends his writings to ME first for MY opinion.which he values. I love this part of our relationship SO much. He is an amazing young man, a teacher of High School English as a second language at an International School to a very diverse student population. He is a playwright, and was a member of a comedy troupe for several years that performed at Caroline's Comedy Club in Manhattan. He is a gentle and kind and very funny young man. I believe in him and his life's dreams and goals and most of all I love that we are so connected regardless of distance and time allowed we are connected, solid and enjoy our relationship very much.

His recent published story is in a magazine called "The Lifted Brow" and is circulating in book stores in Australia. He is very excited.

My middle daughter is doing well. So much better since the days of "The Intruder" which, those of you who have been following this blog for a while know how awful that was. She lives in an adorable farm house just down the road from me - I/we like her boyfriend and her son is doing great. She is working and living well. She is a big help to me and also to my Mom with rides to dialysis and so forth. She is SO funny and makes me laugh like no one else can. :-)

My oldest daughtre Kristie is the lost one - so far from all of us here both in distance and in contact of any kind. It is so heart breaking that she has abandoned her family. We have yet to meet the new baby Damien and know very little about her life, the baby's father and the people in her life. Her secrecy is chosen because she is in a deception that runs very deep. I have tried all I know to reach her but to no avail. I remain open to her - loving her no matter what and leaving the candles lit in all the windows to light her way home. I miss her so much it hurts beyond words. :-(

Anyway - two out of three ain't bad. sigh.....

WE DANCED

2010-10-06T13:08:00.003-04:00

Our dear young friend was married - Ashley, to Pete. She was my intern some years back and has gone on to become a LMFT. She is stunningly gorgeous and a fun, delightful, humble, bright loving soul that I adore and so does Skipp. We re-named her - "Sophie Lennon", saying that if we ever had a daughter we would hope for one like her and would have named her "Sophie Lennon". :-)

I did well navigating the beautiful, spacious hotel. I had a small melt-down when I was waiting to get on the shuttle bus from the hotel to the reception. It was a huge bus and folks had already boarded. I was embarrassed. - unsure if I could manage the steps and so forth. My fears were calmed by the time the second bus arrived and I boarded without incident. phew........

The ceremony was simple, loving and so beautiful. The reception - elegant, classy and fun. AND - I walked on to the dance floor with Skipp and WE DANCED an entire slow number. It was wonderful to be moving and swaying and connecting totally in dance. I was so grateful. :-)

For some reason blogger wont let me add a video - it would have been "Have A Little Faith In Me" - by Joe Cocker - perfect song for our dance.

October is MY month

2010-09-28T12:04:00.011-04:00

WARNING - ***Some sexual content towards the end*****

October - arrives every year. For the most part I am thrilled by the ever-changing temperatures to cooler and dryer and all the vibrant spicy colors and the smells of wood fires and stews, soups, pies and flavored coffee. It is a promising time of year.

And so too it is a time to reflect, honor truths and realize the power of a healing journey. Some of my biggest "it's" are in October - it is when the teacher first kept me after school and ________________, And it is the big session with the priest when he hurt me in the name of his drunken Jesus. I can still feel the back of his hand across my face when I resisted him. It was so awful. October holds many memories. And I have a right to feel them, honor my truths and believe in the power of healing. For years I ran from myself and what happened with the teacher which brought me all the way to the priest. After what he did to me it was the only time I ever wanted to die - because to live in the light of such truth was just too much. But it wasn't too much. I stood up and faced myself and screamed in the light of day my worst fears and memories until that which was killing me began to give me life. My life - as it truly was, no hiding, no running, no escaping - no death wish - I was finally free - finally real - finally in the light and I have been ever since. Hallelujah!

For years, in October I would intensify my escape with self harming behaviors. Every feeling was numbed. Every memory pushed deep inside - unreachable. And now? Every memory and feeling is available to me. I choose how much thought and honor I want to give to my truths and in that I am empowered, My "it's" no longer haunt me or have power over me - I cannot begin to tell you how truly life-giving truth is - regardless of the details - self truths in the light are purposeful and of great value, sources of strength and power - it is when I hid then that I was weakened and afraid and on the run from my self. No more - Never again!!

I will spend time in my brook this month, feeling the cool waters and muddy and rocky bed on my feet - I will remember everything. I will cry and scream as I feel and remember the teacher penetrating me, the priest too, hurting me so much - his hands every where - the weight of their bodies on mine - me, hardly able to breathe ...... the surrender when I gave in to their force. These are some of my "it's", forever..................

And also October 22nd - is when my Dad passed away. I miss him still. every day. And this month we start to remember what he did the last few weeks of his life. Me, my Mom and my Sister - we will re-live all the days. It is all quite bittersweet.

October is my month to emote. Not hide or cringe or fear but to stand up tall - lift my face to the sky in full truth and light and "be"...Amen.

A good experience

2010-09-25T16:57:00.000-04:00

I was surprised that I even went. It was my first time back to my place of employment since leaving there on disability a year ago. I had a lot of projected fears to overcome before I walked through the doors. I pondered for a few days. The occasion was a 'work-bridal-shower' for my dear friend who also was my intern at my work. It was important for me to go for her regardless of how unsettled I was about how I would feel going back. I want you all to know it was wonderful. I was so well received and attended to. I felt as if no time had passed and that I still had a place in the hearts and minds of so many of my co-workers. The Vice-President herself said, "your blood is in this place and you were the best Half-way-house manager I ever had!! :-) How's that??? And, if that wasn't enough, - as I was leaving, the elevator stopped on the second floor which is where my office was for years - and I hear this voice calling my name...."Gail, do you remember me?" I struggled to recall her and she just chimed in , You were my counselor three years ago and I have been 'clean' all that time 'til now....and I had a baby!!"" I wished her well and told her how good it was to see her and as the elevator door closed I heard her say to the other clients, "that's Gail, she was my counselor three years ago, she was the best......!!!"" Can you even freaking stand it?? WOW!
I was on a cloud the rest of the day!!

I simply wanted you all to know of my good experience. :-)

A Family Gathering

2010-09-20T22:28:00.000-04:00

A family gathering - one filled with so many blessings and promises. Four sisters, together at last. All so loving and adorable. My Mom - 87 come November- Louise (Italian birth name - Liberata), My Aunt Marie - 90 come January (Italian birth name - Gallucci) Aunt Dusty 85 come April (Italian birth name - Isabella) Aunt Honey 83 come June -(Italian birth name - Marta), their brother Tom, (Italian Birth name - Giatano) and their sister Connie (Italian birth name Concetta) have passed away. And there was a set of twins born after my Mom who died at birth. My grandmother raised six children on her own when her husband died of pneumonia at age 39. Aunt Connie had kidney failure and was on dialysis for 8 years. Aunt Dusty is on dialysis only starting a few months before my Mom. Whom, as you all know, is now on dialysis. To see them all together was such a gift. Aunts Dusty and Honey never married. They went from living with my grandmother to working for priests as housekeepers at various rectories for 30 years. Can you even imagine? And wow, do they have stories untold. They also dress exactly alike, and I mean exactly. They look like twins although they are three years apart. :-)

See picture below and enlarge so you can see them better. amazing huh?

And here are the four sisters together, below. My Mom is in the red, next to her is Aunt Marie, then Aunt Dusty and then Aunt Honey.

And 6 of the nine first cousins were all there, as well. Our oldest, Tommy Boy, second oldest, Sandy, then Patty, my sister Nancy, me, and the youngest, Lenore. One of our cousins, Nick, is in Florida, another-Lucy, was sick, and Anthony couldn't make it.

We had a wonderful time together. Tommy-Boy was in from Colorado so we gathered at cousin Patty's house for our mini reunion. We even have a family "song" which we wrote when I was a kid. We would meet to plan family outings and events and always open our meeting with this song. Here are the words to "The Rels"

We are the rels you see
formed from a happy family
our meetings are never planned in advance
we meet when we can
and usually by chance

we always have laughter
and plenty of song
our refreshments are many
but never last long

our motto is to love and be strong
and with unity
we will never go wrong

rah rah rah!!

cool huh?? :-)

One of my cousins was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and it has metastasized to the liver. It is stage four. We all offered our love and support and continued prayers and hope. I don't want to say which cousin due to privacy, I am sure you understand. It is a difficult time for many in our family and we are fortunate to have such unity of love and support. So this reunion was special in so many, many ways. The tears and laughter were abundant as was the food and wine. We broke bread, ate, drank, sang, laughed, cried and reminisced. It was all so wonderful.

Family is a powerful force. Yes, family. Amen.

House of Lies

2010-09-16T21:13:00.000-04:00

The air is a bit damp tonight, following much needed rain storms. The wind howled and the leaves shivered and were tossed about. The force was magnificent. I do enjoy the power of nature. Autumn is approaching quickly and with certainty. The colors are deepening more and more and the shadows continue to bounce off glass table tops and through windows and glass sliders. I feel I am in a swirl of ever changing color and deepening. I bow to the Master, surrender to the force, face the wind and dance in color. Despite the continuing pain of this recovery I move with courage, and I am cautious yet determined.

I wonder where strength will come from to face other life's mysteries that are unfolding. I am watching a house of lies crumble - one escaped, one is still trapped. I become the reason, the one to blame - it is not true. I stay strong, outside the house of lies, with the light of truth visible - it cannot be darkened. I find comfort in that amidst the fear for those still in the house of lies. I surrender more deeply, believing in truth - light - love. And those no longer inside are free to speak and seek truth - and others are coming in to the light. And the house of lies is weakened. This is a long time coming - I stayed in the light - I clung to the truth - I did all things with love.

Still, there is an ache in my heart. The house of lies still stands, weaker, but it still stands. I have nothing more than truth and love. Tell me that is enough. Please.

When French Toast is a Miracle!!!!

2010-09-09T10:06:00.011-04:00

Time to pick up, lace up, tie up my boot straps and mosey on. The weather is certainly on my side -cool, dry, breezy and filled with promise of the colors that will soon blanket my world. Vibrant oranges, golds, copper, browns, burgundy, rich yellows and spice. I am already smelling soups and stews simmering on the stove, the warmth and smell of our wood stove taking the chill out of the morning air. We are adding to our wine rack, wines of rich red color, Pinot Noir, Merlot, Charas.for a brisk evening with some soup and crusty bread. Or curled up by the fire with some aged cheddar and sesame crackers.

I/we have turned a corner so to speak. We stayed just this side of that turn for over a week - as we wrestled and reconciled the events of late. Now, we are beyond the hurt and fear and settling in to our lives, as they are and with deep gratitude. We are truly blessed.

And my Mom called yesterday morning. And what she said was prayer and music to my ears. She said, "I am going out to breakfast with Nancy (my Sis), for french toast.!!!!!!! There are so many blessing and miracles in that one statement. I told her it was the best news of the year!!!!!

I/we will savor these blessings and miracles today. I will feel the cool breeze on my face as it tosses my long hair about. I will do my exercises outside today and work through the pain and continue healing. AND, three of my dearest friends are coming later and bringing dinner and birthday cake to celebrate my birthday and another one of our circle of friends birthday. How great is that? AND last night a wonderful couple that I reconnected with after years via Face Book came over and we SO enjoyed out time together. They are loving and kind and beautiful and I/we are thrilled to have them back in our lives.

So, all things considered? I'm okay today, more than okay. :-)

ONE MOMENT

2010-09-03T18:15:00.018-04:00

The above picture is of the door jam with the gully in front in which my wheels caught. If you enlarge it you can see the gully better.

The above two pictures speak for themselves. I hit my left side harder and this is the bruising on my arm and elbow. I decided to not post the picture of my butt with the bruises on my left cheek!!

For three days Skipp and I have been in emotional turmoil. Every time we make eye contact we start to cry and kind of clutch and grab on and grapple as we emotionally re-live the fall and the details of it, - all the while intertwined in a desperate moving hug of sorts. Hair and faces are gently stroked, hands held tightly, huge sighs and big tears, heads get lowered on to hands or on to shoulders and a perpetual back and forth of the head that means "no,,no, no"...... words are spoken of apology and "it's not your fault", more tears, more details, more "if only's"..... heating pads, Tylenol, moaning, and so we wrestled with every emotional detail for three days. Exhausting.

It seems that 'one moment' has impacted us harshly. And although we certainly realize the flip on to Wal-Marts pavement was traumatic, what we are experiencing in response is bigger that that and we couldn't seem to reconcile why until today.................. this "flip" is a microcosm of a bigger reality we grapple with and live with and manage every day. Ever since my M S diagnosis and when I have a 'flare-up' Skipp desperately wants to 'fix" it. His desire to help and fix comes form the depths of his loving heart and soul and he agonizes that he can't. When I flipped over in the rollator and he couldn't stop it , it re-enforced, and crystallized his powerlessness and mine too. As much as we are facing this illness together we are powerless, to a degree, over it's path just like on Monday when I began to flip backwards Skipp fell over with me - he couldn't stop me nor himself. We are in this together - sometimes both of us are going along for the ride. That certainly was the case on Monday.

And I am not saying there aren't many things we do to manage this disease together and individually. Regardless, sometimes I/we just have to hold on and hope for the best. It is in those times, when powerlessness is evident and the truth is driven in like a crooked rivet - it is a test and or a testament to the human spirit and strength - and sometimes we pass with flying colors, sometimes we barely make it, and sometimes, well...............you know.

Don't Let Me Die In Front Of Wal-Mart

2010-08-30T20:26:00.012-04:00

I am very tired - it has been quite a day. First though, our birthdays/anniversary yesterday was lovely. A long drive all along Long Island Sound - the water was the most beautiful of blues and the sky mirrored its majesty. The air was dry and warm and the smell of salt air filtered in to our senses and delighted us. We had a delicious seafood meal - sitting by an opened window, overlooking the harbor and the boats and seagulls and marina activity. The smells and sights and sounds inside and out were magnificent. Full of our scrumptious meal and salt air we headed home.

We watched our wedding video, as we always do. We laugh and cry in all the same places. Perhaps a few more tears this year as some family and friends close to us have passed on. Health issues have emerged and some shifting has thundered underneath and around us. Our laughter and joy was abundant that day - and as we held hands watching and remember we realized with great satisfaction and honor that every vow we spoke and promised to one another is still true today. Every word is upheld and sacred and for that we are filled with gratitude and joy beyond expression.

And so today - still on vacation we venture out to get a few things at Wal-Mart. A new toaster, some school things for our grandson - just because. And it was our plan to go to one of our favorite local restaurants for lunch. My mobility is still very limited and it wasn't long before I knew my knee could not take much more. Skipp happily offered to push me in my rollator which we often do if getting from 'point-A to 'point - B is just too much for me to endure. We were exiting the store, laughing and even kissing a bit like high school sweet hearts when my world turned upside down, literally!!!!

The wheels of the rollator caught in a gully before the exit door and I flipped over back wards slamming my head and upper back on to pavement. I saw Skipp reach desperately to stop me from gong over - I saw the look of horror in his eyes as he realized he was unable to stop the fall - I watched his heart break in his eyes - it was dreadful. As I lay there stunned, facing the sky I was so scared. I immediately began yelling "get the rollator off my legs, get it off!!!" Folks gathered and untangled me. I could feel Skipp now cradling my head looking for serious injury. I was so scared. I said, "get me up Skipp, I need to get up". He encouraged me to wait just a minute or so - I breathed and relaxed in to his hands and arms supporting my head and neck. And then I said, "Now, get me up now". He and two women lifted me straight up and I stood, a bit shaky, well alot shaky, but I stood.

The area was now buzzing with Wal-Mart staff and security - forms were out and questions were being asked. The knot on my head was HUGE and my upper back, upon which I hit full force, was beginning to spasm and tighten. It was hard to breathe. I sat. I knew enough to know that head injuries are serious and that I needed to be checked out. Skipp got the car and drove me to the Yale Clinic in Guilford, just down the road.

I was petrified. Skipp stayed by my side and we got through all the "check-in" protocols and I was brought back to an exam room. I was evaluated thoroughly - some concerns. A, CT head scan was ordered. No skull fracture, no subdural hematoma (bleed in to the brain). I was quite relieved. Meanwhile I am to be awakened every two hours tonight to be sure I am oriented to time and place. I have to use ice on the huge lump on my head and heat on my back and take Tylenol/Advil every four to six hours. I feel absolutely awful. Skipp is so broken hearted that he couldn't stop the fall. He keeps apologizing. I am reliving the "flip", like PTSD. I came up here to write and process and Skipp is watching an action guy movie. We each needed to be distracted in a way that works for us. We are both in such pain. Ya know?

Okay, so, what the F___?????!!!!!!!! I am working hard to recover from the MS setback and now I am dealing with a whole knew set of painful symptoms from which to recover. I am really looking for the gratitude - Oh wait, I know.....while I was flipping on to cement and hit the ground hard I had a quick thought, and it is quite funny what we do in times of extreme stress, I said to God - "please don't let me die in front of Wal-Mart. Well, my wish came true. Here I am.

Conclusions and celebrations

2010-08-23T10:38:00.013-04:00

And so it goes...........I am quite relieved that summer is closing down. This oppressive heat and humidity certainly took it's toll on my health. Phew. I am still trying to get back to my 'normal' as far as mobility is concerned. I am certainly out of the crisis but have a ways to go. Evey step is a blessing. I mean that.

I am happy to report that the final paper work for my separation from employment was re-done and it is now accurate. AND, it is official, I was awarded the Social Security Disability, retroactive from November 2009. Hallelujah! So it is official, I am retired and disabled. Oh my goodness. Sobering and humbling for sure. As they say and I have written, "be careful what you wish for" :-)

Our birthdays and anniversary is almost here - August 29th is our day to celebrate. Well, every day is a celebration but August 29th is very special. Skipp and I were born on the same day and chose that day to get married, as well. :-) I wont be around much until after next Wednesday. Skipp has some much needed time off from work and we are going to bask in the relaxed schedule. Savor every moment of our life and love.

Meanwhile, I am doing my physical therapy and still about the same. My Mom is adjusting to her dialysis schedule as best she can. She is such an inspiration. One day at a time we are both okay. Amen. I so appreciate all of your love and prayers and continued support. And for all we have come through let's celebrate.

Thanks Shen

2010-08-17T10:46:00.010-04:00

Caught red-handed! My defiance was lovingly pointed out in a fellow bloggers post - 'Shen' - over at "Reunited Selves" was 100% right on when she said I was defiant about my right to be angry at God. I made it very difficult for anyone to disagree with "my right" Oh goodness, I was quite indignant. And all of you were so kind in response. Far more than I deserved, Really. Thanks Shen for the reality check - holding up the mirror - and ya, my anger was justified I 'spose', but I left no wiggle room for discussion.

I don't get angry often - hardly ever actually. It is exhausting and my face even looked grim. Eewwwwww. I think the better word is sad, incredibly sad. I was talking with my Mom this morning, and I said, "I am so sad you have to go through this Mom", and she answered, "Don't be sad, it has to be this way for me to live." Her acceptance is so humbling and so inspiring. She also said she understands because she feels sad that I have M S and wants to wish/pray it away. We both feel the same way about one another - wishing our health situations weren't so.

We have always had a strong loving relationship - it is a no wonder we hurt for one another. And so I have moved far from anger in to this neutral sadness that simply is. It doesn't mean I am not happy too because I am, but for now i am quite aware of the sadness I feel, as well. Shen, I can't thank you enough for writing about my post on your blog - it stirred alot and all for the good of self understanding. And as you and all of my wonderful blogger friends know and have shared, "Everybody Hurts", sometimes.

Angry At God - today

2010-08-14T19:10:00.014-04:00

The room was bright enough in a clinical sort of way. Over sized leather lounge chairs in dark blue and brick and green, lined the walls, all facing nowhere, or so it seemed. There were TV screens and oddly placed book shelves with a head phone set here and there. People faced one another but no one really looked or saw or cared for that matter. Folks were covered in those white hospital blankets and also assorted pillows and quilts and shawls and blankets they brought from home - some genuine attempt to comfort them, I imagine. Each had their own machine to which they were attached via tubes, one for taking blood out and one for sending it back after it is cleansed in the machine' Amazing process if you think about it. It is saving all of their lives and my Mom was amongst them all. So tiny - no more than 100 pounds - her colorful "angel shawl" about her neck and shoulders, her favorite pillows around her and her "Our Father" afghan. Her Rosary Beads wrapped around her small arthritic fingers, and there she lay, sound asleep. I watched her from the doorway for a while - not allowed in 'the room'. I was filled with so much emotion. first and foremost relief that she made it here - after three very near-death experiences, she made it to here. Next I felt incredible sadness as I tried to absorb the demands of this regiment of three days a week, four hours a day. She is tired and fragile and so brave. I ached for her, for this "life-sentence". And yes, I know all the reasons I should be so glad that such treatment exists, and that she made it to receive the treatment and on and on and ALL that is true - I am so grateful. But truth b e told, I am quite upset that she has to endure such a difficult health issue and demanding treatment schedule in her final years.

And me with my "I can manage to "live" and be active and present in life despite this MS setback and the pain and icy hot numbness of every freaking step I took today, again I ask, "WHY???" Jen drove and I rode shotgun as we traveled the half hour drive to the Dialysis Center to pick up my Mom. I cannot drive yet due to the muscle spasticity. What the f___!!!?

I have asked God so many times "Why", and again, all you faithful folks, please don't preach to me about God and his infinite wisdom and so forth, I KNOW!! I am just being real, I am really, really angry at God. My Mom has been one of His most loyal servants and lives her life in alliance with the teachings of Jesus, always. And such alliance, I know. will sustain her through this, I KNOW!!! Still, to see her, so small and frail hooked to that machine which is literally her 'life-line' - it was really hard to take in. I make no apologies for being angry at God, in fact I believe that when you have a really good relationship with someone. God included, it is safe to be angry and so I trust my relationship with God/Jesus will make it trough this challenge just fine. This is just where I am today after seeing my Mom for the first time laying in that lounger hooked up to that machine, it absolutely broke my heart. :-(

Wishes DO Come True

2010-08-12T11:44:00.015-04:00

Some times what we wish for is, well, sobering when our wish comes true. For example, I have been in the twilight zone of filing 'social-security-disability' claim forms. A most grueling experience. Yesterday, I received notification from the 'Social-Security-Law-Group', ( a firm handling the process), anyway - I made it through phase one with "favorable onset." Apparently, cases are randomly selected to be audited in no particular order and for no particular reason and my file was chosen - it now goes to an audit team whose function is to make sure the state workers who completed the documents did their job accurately. But my point is that I wished for my case to be approved and as much as I was relieved that it was, - the fact that it was is quite sobering. I said to myself, "Holy-shit, I really am disabled!!" :-)

Moving along with the same theme - the post office left a 'notice' which said I had a certified letter - and it is from my employer. My heart skipped a beat because the Human Resources people and management are so inept. AND, I have been saying-writing-singing-waxing-poetic' communicating in every way I know that NO paperwork in my file can state that I "quit" or left voluntarily or anything remotely close to that. It is the ONE stipulation for my "long Term Disability" to continue all the way to the age of retirement. Even when I get SSD the long term disability pays the difference to meet my full benefit from them. AND clearly all doctor verifications state clearly that I am NOT authorized to return to work due to illness and managing symptoms which therefore I cannot perform my job. Here is a conversation I had with HR yesterday.......... I will be "me" and they will be HR (duh) :-)

Me - Hi, this is Gail Eichinger, How are you

HR - fine, how are you

Me - I am okay. I am calling because I received a notice that I have a certified letter from Rushford. Do you know what it is about?

HR - Oh, it must be your pink slip.

Me - Oh, okay - do you have a copy in my file?

HR - yes hang on

Me- what does it say

HR - it says your date of hire and your last day of employment July 20th this year and the box checked off for the reason you no longer work here

Me - what box is checked off

HR - voluntary

Me - Voluntary? I didn't leave voluntarily I was told by my doctor I cannot work

HR - well, there is a box for 'other' and a space to write but it is a rule that we have to check voluntary

Me - (getting louder now), A RULE? YOU ARE TELLING ME THERE IS A RULE THAT SAYS REGARDLESS OF WHY A PERSON IS NO LONGER EMPLOYED YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO LIE???!! YOU NEED TO CHECK THE BOX THAT SAYS "OTHER" AND THEN WRITE 'medical, doctors orders'!!!

HR - oh, I don't know if I can do that

Me - I want to see the written policy directing you to lie and reflect a person's reasons for separation from employment falsely.

HR - hang on I am going to ask someone about this

HR - hi again, okay, I will send out correction stating the first slip was in error. I will check other and write medical.

Me - you personally are going to take care of this?

HR - yes, me personally.

Me - I will be waiting for your correction.

End

Talk about ridiculous, huh?

In as much as I am so relieved to be finally 'free' of the spirit breaking grips of my employer it is also quite sobering to have over a decade of service come to an end. This along with the SSD phase one approval are both long time wishes and harsh realities of, well, my reality.

So as a few final details are dangling before me, - the audit and the pink slip correction it is time to move beyond. Oh, but wait - I am in the throws of this MS setback - which, is quite limiting. Hmmmmmmmmmm, I drank a lot yesterday which eased the symptoms considerably - perhaps a constant flow of wine is the answer. :-) Seriously though, I am coming to realize something. I must find a way to keep moving and doing and enjoying regardless of the painful limits. I am not saying that I should not honor my reality or be careful and safe, rather I am saying that I can be in pain sitting on my couch or out for a nice ride with Skipp. I can have icy-hot numbness and pins and needles at home or out and about with Skipp or a friend or being with my Mom. I am praying for tolerance and the ability to live with the limiting pain and be more "alive". Quite a balance, huh?

Wishes do come true.

His name is__________

2010-08-09T10:32:00.008-04:00

The heat and humidity have returned. But alas, such is short-lived. I see the shadows and hues dance across our dining room table casting off deep purples, magenta, hunter greens and earth browns - the sun line on the window is blurred and the over tones cover the brightness - all sure signs of Autumn approaching. Hallelujah. I have seen golden leaves tossed about and our thick, lush garden is going to seed to preserve it's life for next year and protect its roots against Winter's force. Oh the cycles of life, the seasons of change and preservation - that which must die and the promise of new life to come.

I was humbled by an experience my Mom shared. She said, "I didn't like dialysis in the hospital because they wheel you in to the room in your hospital bed - it made me feel more sick, (she went on to say), and I really felt badly if the little boy was was there too." I waited and said, " a little boy Mom, oh how sad.". She continued, "I could her him crying out - "OW" loudly as they got the needles in place for his dialysis, and then I heard them calm him as the machine started to work and then I heard him softly moan in a fluttering soft cry- it broke my heart and I hear him in my mind and heart all the time so I just keep praying for him." I was silenced in tears listening to her. His names is_____________.

Please pray that his fears are calmed and his pain is eased. Amen.

I am not asking for much, really, I'm not.

2010-08-05T16:00:00.024-04:00

I made it to Yale to see my Mom. Only because Skipp drove and then pushed me along in my rollator. I was traveling backwards - weird, very weird. We laughed all the way through the very long winding corridors - he, of course, enjoying the opportunity to, well, have some fun with the unavoidable reality. And there she was, with a shawl about her shoulders - a gift from the 'hospital angels' - a volunteer group that knits or crochets these lovely warm shawls for patients. She explained that it is very cold in the dialysis room. She went on to tell of a dream - we sat there clinging to her every word. She dreamed of her mother who died 50 years ago this past April - a hard working woman - raised six kids on her own after my mom's Dad died at age 39 of pneumonia. In this dream her Mom was reaching to her telling her not to b afraid and to come home. My Mom said she was holding her Mother's hands and then let go - and she told us she was scared and not ready. Phew.

She has had three dialysis treatments and will have a fourth on Friday. Her site 'held' - it worked,. "Thank you" all for your love and prayers and sending good energy and healing, hopeful light. :-) Amen. Hopefully she will be strong enough to come home on Saturday. Her schedule to go to the dialysis clinic will begin next week, three times a week , four to five hours a day. Please continue to pray for her strength and fortitude through this demanding regiment.

I am still in the midst of my healing challenge from the MS set back. I am on another medication for a week. And I am waiting for the physical therapist to come and evaluate me here and design a routine to help ease the pain and increase my mobility. I may need to see an orthopedic specialist that will be decided next week some time. Meanwhile I am moving about daily as best I can - the intense pain has eased and I can take ten to 12 steps pain free and then it starts to tighten and hurt and the icy hot numbness intensifies. I can also walk without the rollator for a few steps now where before I could not. Although it is way safer to walk with the rollator so I don't push the heroics!! :-) I am glad when I can get outside to our deck and really soak up the sights and sounds and smells of nature. I feel free when I am outside. Needless to say, I have a ways to go. And I don't know what the "end" of this set back will look like and feel like in terms of mobility and pain to which I will have to adjust. I am hoping for the best and managing as best I can. Ya know?

Skipp and I still enjoy our Tuesdays and Wednesdays. We sleep in and then have a leisurely brunch and enjoy our coffee on the deck. Later, we barbecue, and have wine and "happy-hour' and watch movies and enjoy our Gracey-Blue We catch up with house stuff and with each other (use your imagination), we go for rides and talk and listen to our favorite music and Skipp usually grocery shops. We love every moment of those two days we have together.

And August 29th is our wedding anniversary and BOTH our birthdays. Yes, we have the same birthday and we were married on our birthdays in 1996. Cool, huh? :-) August 29th is a wonderful day of celebration!! And Skipp has the week off!! "YAY!!!

And then it is Autumn - Hallelujah. I always feel better once the weather turns cooler and drier. This has been a very oppressive summer - and the heat and humidity are such a challenge for me. And yet I came to realize something about MS. I am doing all the right things to fight this disease - and still it flares up. I believe that my ability to adjust to the next phase or limit is as important as fighting off the nest phase or limit. Sometimes they clash and I must adjust. I am doing t hat now - one step at a time, or perhaps one less step at a time. And I don't say that in a 'ho-hum-poor-me' way, not at all. It means I know when it is time to make the best of what "IS" rather than wishing for what "ISN'T"!!! I am not there yet with this set back but I will know when that time comes, if it does.

Hopefully my Mom will come home Saturday, as planned. My daughter is going to bring me over on Sunday to spend the afternoon with her. I/we wil bring lunch and keep her company. My sister has to work. I ask again that you all please pray for her strength and for mine too. I don't want to navigate the Appalachian Trail I just want to manage, with little difficulty, being able to get to my Mom, and out and about my neighborhood and town. ok? Too much to hope for? I sure hope not.

And although the following video is dedicated to hurricane and flood victims - I believe, that we all are fighting our own battles - when my Mom couldn't breathe she was drowning in herself - her own inner flood - her fear as she wondered if they would get to her in time - her own emotional hurricane - my fear of immobility - and constant pain - I can be a surge of emotion like a flood washing over me or tossed about in the force of a hurricane - so please, watch and listen to this video with all due honor for the victims of floods and hurricanes but also, please, think of your own personal floods, hurricanes, and how you fought to survive and make it as best you could.

My 200th Post - "Life Goes On"

2010-07-29T10:38:00.012-04:00

This is my 200th post. I am amazed at this mark of time - distance - written expressions. All of you have received me, loved me, prayed with and for me and allowed me in to your precious and purposeful lives. I have learned so much from all of you from a wide spectrum of wisdom and knowledge - from rivers to poetry, sea shells to paintings, personal tragedies and triumphs, daily battles, wins and losses, birthdays, deaths, joys, sorrows, hope,fears, celebrations, family pictures, weddings and vacations, love, hope, faith, God, and friendship. "Thank you".......

Today, I am still meeting the healing challenge from my MS setback, one step at a time. My Mom is barely hanging on.,so tired, so weak and sadly, so discouraged. Her faith is unshalable and yet, I felt it, saw it shiver - it was the coldest moment I ever experienced.

Little Damien, well, pray for him, He has survival/thriving challenges on many levels.

Skipp and I are, thankfully, still so madly in love - we care deeply about and for one another. Our home is safe, and peaceful, loving and bountiful with love, kindness, justice, fine wine, good food, and simple living. Many find solace here.

I count my blessings every day - I fight my battles too. I am realizing every day that my children are in charge of their own destinies - I have very little to do with it. That was a tough delusion of which to let go. I keep the candles a glow in all the windows, facing every direction, north-south-east-west so they will always find their way home.

I am open to the next phase of my life - as I realize my simple gifts are still my simple gifts - my blessings are still mine to behold, my loving heart is still strong. I accept that some battles may never be won but i will continue to fight> I am inspired by my freedoms, challenged by my limits. I am held up by my friends and family and I am loved by many. So on this 200th post of truth, "IT'S". It is clear that "Life Goes On".....

Hands

2010-07-23T11:02:00.015-04:00

As the meaning of this "shift" unfolds I find myself filled with emotions that overflow - I gave in to an angered painful outburst and then quiet salty tears with a drowning weakness that pulled me to my knees. I yelled to the heavens with clenched fists and so too I bowed to the floor in prayer, hands folded in quiet desperation and hope - waiting for understanding.

This song is so fitting, don't ya think? And so this day I am grieving over endings and preparing for beginnings. The preparation is nothing more that being open to what awaits -

When I saw the word "forbidden" on my work email account I burst in to tears. As much as I knew it was coming, that word I found to be so harsh - I felt like the enemy or the criminal or the outcast. When my doctor wrote "In order to manager symptoms Gail cannot perform her job - no authorization to return to work - nor do I anticipate there will be" !!!!! Oh my.......and so the information went to my employer and a chain of events unfolded like a bumpy roller coaster ride. Prior to this, I was holding on to a big "if". "If" my MS got better so I could manage the symptoms so I could work part time. After a year my doctor finally said, "it is time to let go - this is as good as it is going to get"!!!

First my email was terminated (forbidden), then a status change form was completed -'unable to work due to illness - no authorization to return'. And that was it - over a decade of active service/ministry ended yesterday. A few sentences, a few strokes of a pen, one form and it was over. Painless actually but oh so painful - I am filled with grief.

But not for long - I have earned this grief - and so I will give in to it - just long enough to be done with it. This atop my MS set back and my Mom's serious illness is overwhelming but I have learned that we cannot choose the timing of some of our "shifts" - they happen, regardless of what else is going on. Phew...... These days, I cry at the drop of a hat, I rage over the smallest injustice, I stammer and yell and question - I surrender and pray quietly - silently - my hands reach up open to receive - at times they are folded, sometimes they are across my heart - sometimes my hands are holding my head - some times they lay limp at my side or in my lap so unsure. But like I said, not for long.....................

I love you all and need you all...........

Love Gail
peace........

(I deleted my formatted signature, again - geesh)

After the "Shift"

2010-07-18T18:23:00.008-04:00

I am on the other side of the crisis - the hot piercing-excruciating pain in my knee and leg has lessened in intensity and will bear some weight without exploding like fireworks in pain. It is a long road of recovery - and a challenge to manage and navigate around the house for even the simplest of tasks like going to the bathroom, shower, and meals. Family and friends come by with prepared food and to take Gracey out for walks. I have it set so I can use my rollator to the back door, hook her on her long lead and I wait there for her and she comes back and I unhook her and she is all set. Skipp goes out and about with her in the morning and at night.

I get a bit of cabin fever being inside all the time. It is a God-send that we live in a home where every angle has a full view to the outside. Still, I need to be out on our deck even for a few minutes given the heat. I managed that today - phew. I spend a lot of time with my leg elevated and in the A/C. I am also so grateful for the view from my front picture window of our thick lovely garden filled with flowers, butterflies and humming birds. :-) I find such comfort in the view of nature and all it's gifts. It is healing.

I have missed my Mom SO much. And much to my delight my Sister surprised me and was able to get my Mom to my house last evening. Oh I was so thrilled. We hugged and cried and laughed and held hands. She is so weary and so small and fragile. We are all praying this second surgery worked - if not? Well, she is not willing to try again.................

I also was told by my neurologist that he does NOT anticipate my being able to work anymore. As much as I knew this to be true the actual words and actual notification to my employer of over a decade was very sobering to face. Another part of the "shift" that I have felt for a while now. I believe though that the "shift" has arrived - to another plateau or foundation of reality/truth upon which I will now adjust and become acclimated. I have arrived, once again. Now that I am here - well, that is yet to be determined as to what it all means. Part of me is excited by the challenge/adventure, part of me is grieving what was and part of me is relieved that I made it through this major "shift". And I still have to heal from the MS set back to fully realize and understand this part of my journey. Perhaps that is what this time is for - to set upon where the shift landed me for a time so I can feel the ground I am on - become familiar with my new surroundings/reality - discover what possibilities are available - define more fully purpose and prayer - hope and fear - strength and weakness - peace and quiet - love. I am here - healing and open to this phase of my life - after the "shift". I certainly never thought that the force of the shift would toss me around so fiercely and land me injured after the "shift". Good Lord!

Love, Gail
peace .......................

Pause

2010-07-14T11:18:00.003-04:00

Dear friends-
I am in distress with this injured knee. It is so painful and quite debilitating because I cannot put weight on it - I am using a rollator in the house and it is still excruciating. It seems that muscle spasticity, strong upward spasms from MS that actually twist and wrench my knee have pulled the tendons and such quite badly. I can barley walk. My PCP ruled out other causes via x-ray and blood work as the reason for the spasms and subsequent injured knee. I see the neurologist today to see what, if anything can be done to lessen these wrenching spasms. Meanwhile as they continue, my knee wont heal and the pain and debilitation forges on. I am quite discouraged and sad. I feel so helpless as there is little I can do for myself. I wont be able to be on my computer much due to it's location and my overall distress. Pray for me as I continue to hold you all close during this difficult time.
I am also so sad that I cannot get to my Mom - I miss her terribly and I so want to be there for her. I wonder why this is so. Sometimes God really confuses me.

Keep it palatable

2010-07-09T18:35:00.015-04:00

My blog theme is 'truth'. Everything I write is true but what about what I do not write? There is truth that is left unwritten, by choice. I am sure that the same is true for every one of you readers and bloggers. We only get the 'picture' you allow us to see/read - I only give you the same.

I am burning with truth - like lava bubbling up from my soul. I choke it back down. I can't write a word of it. I do tell a couple of people, the whole truth, almost anyways. But not here - . I share the agony of my Mom's illness and the fear of Damien's enlarged heart - the joy in my home where music and laughter and peace abound. I shared of my past, tragic and life-changing and my journey to self love and the freedom that embracing one's truth brings - I wrote of the church and the priest(s) and being backhanded by the priest, I have written all that, haven't I? I have. I wrote of my children and I told you all my beliefs and values and faith. You all know my battles and you know how hard I fight and my surrenders too. Ah, but not all, no, not all of them - the one's that are shameful and harsh still - active in their destructive purpose around me - oh no, those I hide. Those I carry heavily - a burden that is un-speakable. Un-writable.

Amidst our blogs with rivers and flower gardens. loving pets and adorable kids, paintings and poetry, recipes and crafts, vacations and walks, meals and celebrations, births and deaths, fears and hopes, dreams and passions, love and sorrow, family and friends, quotes and videos, music and frogs, all of it passionately true - inspiring - real - emotional - promising - brave - honest - fearless - courageous - strong - sad - joyous - stunning - challenging - soothing - and yet, much is lost, missing - simply not told. I cannot tell you what is burning within me.

Are all of you, any of you such that your life does not insist on privacy? Is that a good thing? A not so good thing? Does that speak to the greatness of this forum or the lacking in this forum. I feel false, fake in my privacy - my choice to write about only that which is palatable. Who am I to you if I censor my truths? How do I see myself in your eyes and hearts? On the one hand I feel so loved and so understood - but is that because I give you truths that are lovable and censor the unspeakable? What if we all told everything - all of it - what if huh?
Until then I am still me - all that I have told you is truth - I am secure in that and equally confident that this forum is limiting, limited in it's presentation. Good thing, huh? An old X-friend of mine always said - "Nobody really wants to hear the truth!!!"

God and / or - a chair

2010-07-05T10:35:00.010-04:00

Odd how certain 'one-liners' stick with us. It must be what we need in that moment. Perhaps at another time such one liners would just pass on by. This particular one liner answer was
"a chair".

I had received some disturbing news about my Mom - the surgery to create the site for dialysis was not successful. She has to have the surgery, again and this time they also have to use artificial materials which is even less promising. The surgery itself is a risk along with her being at square one again in the healing time necessary for the site to be usable. sigh.........I felt her heavy heart - fear and wonder, faith and courage and weariness too - as options are realized and then put aside - the battle for life forges on.

and so as I sat sharing a delicious fish and rice dinner with my son we talked, deeply about life and death and faith. I asked him, how he, who is one of agnostic beliefs, hangs on during times of fear and heartache - I asked him what does he hang on to. at first he said, "nothing really", and then he paused and said, "A chair, ya, I hang on to a chair"!! :-)

I SO loved his answer - we laughed heartily and yet as absurd as his answer was it is also quite true. He believes as he does, as do I. Regardless if I hang on to God or a chair I must hang on. My Mom is sure it is God - my son is sure it is a chair - I am going to hang on to both!!

Free Hugs-Italian Style-Abbracci gratis" and "UN-DON-DON"

2010-06-28T10:20:00.011-04:00

Please watch this video - it starts out a tad slow - but then........!

and now about "UN - DON - DON" Say it aloud - for I have spelled it phonetically - it is a type of Italian slang, a phrase if you will, most likely specific to only my Mom's Italian heritage and tradition. I say it often. Let me explain - Saturday evening I stayed with my Mom since my sister was away. Also, my daughter and grandson joined us. My Mom cannot have any type of tomatoes even in a sauce. I made her one of her favorite meals - sauteed peppers and eggs on Italian bread while we ordered pizza. She also had a salad with a light balsamic vinaigrette dressing. It is so wonderful to see her appetite improve as some of the medicines and adjustments improve her overall strength while she is waiting for dialysis to be able to start.

She asked me for my 'pizza crusts' with which she then began to do "UN-DON-DON" - which is when one sops up dressing or gravy or sauce - in this case it was her salad dressing - and to watch her do "UN-DON-DON" and say over and over "UN-DON-DON", with gusto, and eat the crust while making more sounds of "delicious" - well, I just can't begin to tell you all how long it has been since I heard or saw such joy on her face about food. She was thrilled as was I to see her delight and desire. She actually said - my taste buds are working so good!! :-)

It truly is life's little things that matter, that make all the difference, that give us hope - like wanting to do "UN-DON-DON"!! :-)

I hope you all always have the desire to do "UN-DON-DON"!!

"SPREADING THE GOOD NEWS"

2010-06-24T17:35:00.011-04:00

I am so aware of the life's lessons my Mom is so humbly naturally, and faithfully teaching us by loving example. I was with her the other day - as is often the case. We sat at her little dining room table, of honey wood and white ceramic tiles. We had shared a simple meal I had prepared and brought to her. She was ever so gracious and appreciative. We could have been eating "S___ On A Shingle" and we would have been delighted.

And she began to tell me about some of the nurses aides she met while she was in the hospital. She mentioned Fernando, and Derrick and Simone and a few others. She told me how attentive they were to her and her needs and how they were all so sensitive in maintaining her dignity and privacy at all times. And given some of their duties such dignity was no easy feat to ensure! :-)

Anyway, she spoke more in detail about Derrick who shared with my Mom that he wants to be a Physician's Assistant and is going back to school. My Mom said she applauded his goals and told him that he is so wonderful with people and that he will make a great physician's assistant. She went on to say that she complimented, often, all of the staff who provided her with respectful and competent care. She also reminded me that she let folks know when they were out of line or missed the mark!. Each, she said, are of equal merit.

And so she went on to say, I still have to spread the good news". And I said, "Mom, what good news is that?" And she said, "The good news about God and his plan for all of us, like Derrick to become a physicians assistant!!!"

Perhaps we all can learn from my Mom's faith and her sharing "The Good News". And I will ask you as I am asking myself - where and how am I spreading "The Good News"?

2010-06-24T17:35:00.001-04:00

"LIFE IS WORTH LIVING"

2010-06-17T09:47:00.014-04:00

I am so aware of the lessons our Mom is teaching us as she faces this health challenge with such courage, dignity, clarity and unyielding faith. I am humbled in her frail shadow.

We all sat around her hospital bed two days ago. She had just come through an episode that I can only tell you that in its frightening intensity was like watching someone drown. The wonders of modern medicine fixed the problem and Mom was obviously so relieved and calm again with a sparkle in her beautiful blue eyes and a soft smile on her beautiful face.

A young 'elderly advocate volunteer' happened by to chat with her. As we sat back and listened intently. The young girl, Sara asked many questions about my Mom's life. My Mom proudly answered and shared about her childhood, her marriage, her children and grand children, her likes and interests and so forth. We were thrilled to take in her every word while watching the pride and joy shine from her wise and loving and gentle spirit and memory. Sara also did a type of cognitive test like date and time and who is the President and my Mom was so proud to show her that she can say the alphabet backwards. Sara was quite impressed. :-)

Sara then handed my Mom a clip board and paper and asked her to copy a design an also to write a sentence, any sentence she wanted to write. My Mom copied the design easily and then she paused and wrote:

"LIFE IS WORTH LIVING".

When we heard what she wrote we were in awe of her faith and strength and hopes amidst all the tubes and procedures and being poked and prodded. You could have heard a pin drop - as we absorbed her immense faith and strength. Hallelujah!!

It is no secret really as to why my Mom has such faith - and this song below is so fitting.

P.S. Mom is in surgery as I write this post. God be with her. Praying for all good outcomes.

P.P.S. Damian is holding his own. Each day a precious gift-

Lollipop and orange - "Chance" and Mom

2010-06-13T16:20:00.025-04:00

I was inspired to write about the necklace pictured below.

It really does look like one of those swirled colored lollipops, doesn't it? It is a glass type stone and the chain is orange ribbons and orange string. It is a fun, summer time accent piece. It was a gift a year ago this August from my dear friend Dale, who is from "down-under" and a wonderful 'mate' - and dear, trusted friend.

I was reading Grizz's blog over at "Riverdaze" and he wrote of orange lilies and his fondness of the color orange and I was inspired. I commented to him how I wore the above pictured necklace and also a bright orange shirt - it was a fun, summery, and wild look and I loved it. :-)

I wore such fun colors to go and visit my Mom - to brighten her day. it worked. I too needed brightening. My last post spoke of my new grandson,n "Damian Chance" - and my struggle with 'my place' in his life - in my daughter's life - and I was broken hearted - and I still am. The reality is harsh and unwelcome. Her life and all of it's unsettling details are complicated, desperate, and heart wrenching in their intent for her and her children. And now this little guy, born unto, into - chaos, and rift, confusion and anger - and so I remain calm, loving from afar.

And then she called - yesterday,(she actually called her sister first and when Jen didn't pick up she called me), ....................she was.crying .......so hard........sobbing. I remained still and listened, waited. And I hear these muffled words - barely recognizable - partly due to her emotional state and partly due to my resistance. And she says" Mom, it's his heart, there's something wrong with his little heart....................." I froze, silenced by shock and fear - torn by my own sense of place and purpose and in a second I am screaming inside-

"God, is this how you bring her to me, is this how? You give this innocent child a bad heart so she will need me?, NO NO NO!!!"

I scream in silence. I cry out loud. Time passed and she spoke, telling me that one of his heart valves is enlarged and they have called in a pediatric cardiologist specialist from Buffalo Children's Hospital. I tell her I love her and that I will pray and to call me when she knows what is next.

As planned, I went to my Mom's wearing the bright orange shirt and the bright stone/glass colored lollipop necklace. I don't want to burden her - I hold it all in. Later, I call my daughter - and he answers, the baby's father. I was paralyzed for a moment. I ask for my daughter. She explains that he will be seen on the outside and monitored weekly for a year to see if his little body is growing in to his enlarged valve. He will require special care and medicines....until it is determined if he needs heart valve surgery or not. I was relieved and also filled with fear and restless projections. Her/their/his life is all so complicated. I still don't know where I fit in - if at all. I know that my love cannot be stopped - nor my prayers rejected. Both are mine to give and so I will. I hope to meet him one day - and hold him and sing to him and cradle him in my arms. If only in my dreams.

Meanwhile I will wear that lollipop stone/glass brightly swirled-colored necklace to cheer me - everyone who sees it comments in the happiest of ways.
And now, I have another reason to wear it. My Mom took a turn for the worse - she is headed to Yale Hospital - via ambulance. I will wear the brightly swirled/colored glass/stone lollipop necklace to go be with her. Everyone who sees it comments in the happiest of ways.

"CHANCE"

2010-06-10T09:40:00.008-04:00

"DAMIAN CHANCE" - Born June 9th 3:30 a.m. six pounds one ounce............................

Baby and Mom are both doing well!- "thank you God".

I am struggling though- and please, I know all the things I am suppose to be feeling/saying - like- "it's a new healthy life", and "I have a new grandson", and "such is the cycle and miracle of life", and so forth..... And yes, all that is true. It is. And yet, I can't stop crying - it is the distance, that I am so far from her/them, that I wont know this child - that I am not in her/their lives, my heart is broken - she didn't call me when she went to the hospital - that speaks volumes to me -
I was explaining to my husband that I wished I could say that it was intentional - that there is some strong emotion over whatever that made her choose not to call. At least if that were true we could work on the "whatever". I don't believe that is the case. I have become an after thought, my purpose in her life has become one of indifference - over time - I lost my place and this birth crystallized how much that reality hurts. Like I said - I can't stop crying.

And so I hope and I wish and I love from afar - I send gifts and flowers and I call - I keep it open and alive - on this side of nowhere. And this song continues to speak for me - sing my heart - and still - I can't stop crying.

Matters Of Faith

2010-06-05T09:21:00.021-04:00

We are all so eager to spew about faith when life is simple - no crisis - our belief and faith is solid. We are certain it is a faith upon which we can rely - no matter what. And then, something happens, and we find ourselves tilting our head to the side in wonder, question, uncertainty, doubt and anger. And I ask........Where is my faith now? How is it that this amazing and loyal servant of His, my Mom - who has followed Him all her life, believed in Him and did all things in His name - has betrayed her now - having her suffer and be afraid. "NO - NO - NO"!!!

And so I floundered in a dark and cold place. I even wondered or perhaps was planning how I could live my life in this uncertainty, in this no-faith-place, in what felt like darkness and cold. I reconciled it all by telling myself that at least now I cannot be disappointed or feel betrayed for I am the betrayal and the disappointment which is tough as nails. I entertained this for several days. and then......................

I realized that God has been part of a greater plan forever. I began to trace back the events that led to now. I was stunned, knocked over stunned with the truth of it all. I could even trace it back to choices my Mom and Dad made and that their parents made all in preparation for now. It is so perfectly mind boggling and certain - it is faith told - it is faith known - it is love eternal.

When I think of the events that brought me to Guilford, CT - and why I came here - the answers are penetrating. My sons father always said he wanted to live in this town - and he made that happen. Had I not met him I never would have lived here. And to think of what led me to him to get me here - my, oh my, oh my........

and then I had Dolan - and I returned to school for a higher degree. I began to deal with my childhood abuses from the teacher which led me to the Catholic church. It is there I met Kathy. She was one of my clients as part of the Pastoral Counseling Center. I really appreciated her and her journey and all her gifts and talents. After I left the church we lost touch. Some 15 year's later I received a phone call from two doctors that lived in Guilford. Kathy had been the nanny to their neighbor's son who was good friends with one of their sons. They were in search of a Drug And Alcohol Counselor - Kathy gave them my name. And so we began to meet and have done so for over two years.

The woman of the two doctors is a kidney specialist. Her highly revered 'Nephrology Associates' are now treating my Mom. It is so amazing when you "know" someone We have the doctor(s) private cell phone numbers. :-)

And so my temporary loss of faith, my doubt and uncertainty, my wonder and question and even my tilted head has straightened out. I know that God loves my Mom so much that He had a plan for generations so that when she needed the BEST kidney team in the country she would be positioned by events to have just that!!!!!! I fall to my knees in humble gratitude at the immense power of this revelation. It is so huge I can barely carry it - and I mean that in the best of ways.

Take a moment...........

And so we are in the storm - and so we are not alone. Amen.

THIS AND THAT

2010-05-31T09:25:00.024-04:00

I have posted this picture before - this bottle opener means SO much. In honor of it being Memorial Day I will re-tell it's origin and journey. My Dad was captured the last seven days of WWll. They were held prisoner in a barn. For some reason they had beer and opened their bottles with this bottle opener. My Dad hung the bottle opener on a nail, outside a window on the second floor. When the war ended and they were released the bottle opener stayed on that nail. Twenty-five plus years later my parents returned to Germany. My Dad found the barn in which he was held captive which was now a restaurant. He went upstairs to the second floor loft and reached out the window and retrieved the very same bottle opener he had placed there over 25 years before. Amazing huh? I am so honored to have it displayed in a glass case in our home. I in memory and honor of my Dad salute all of our military that fight and protect and sacrifice for our freedom.

I spent yesterday afternoon with my Mom - giving my sister a much needed time away. We are all on high alert as decisions are made and procedures planned and options discussed. My Mom and I watched a beautiful Memorial Day concert from Washington.

amazing huh? My Mom and I cried quiet tears of honor and hope, fear and joy, loss and gratitude and on and on..........our emotions were on high. I watched her breathe as she eventually drifted in to a gentle sleep - a steady rhythm - a soft rise and fall - a peaceful rest. And so this morning - a new decision was made. My Mom said she felt free and relieved. I listened intently as she spoke - "I cannot turn my body over to that machine - I do not want the procedure and I feel so free now that I made this decision - (she went on to say) and they are just going to have to find another way to build a 'site' in my arm so I can have the other type of treatment, and if not, then so be it" ........ and there it was - the decision was made. I felt a mix of emotions but easily felt her sense of freedom and power over her own life. I honored her lovingly. I felt a twinge of sadness as the reality of narrowing options became clear - and yet the freedom in her own power of choice over-shadowed my sadness. Oh this is such a difficult time. Faith is tested, beliefs and values about life and death and after-life are swirling in my soul - my mind spins, my heart soars and then sinks - races and then quiets - I am overwhelmed.

Today, I am going to feel the sunlight on my face. Someone I love told me to enjoy the sunlight-and so I will. I am going to grill myself an 'official' Memorial Day hamburger. And I am going to grill one for Gracey-Blue too. I am going to play my favorite music - and watch a movie too. Skipp is working - the day is my own. Well, as much as it can be - my mind wanders easily - my heart feels deeply - fear overtakes me - and I know - I am alive.

and FYI, the following is an example of some of what we are dealing with in regards to our 'Health Care System' - and quality patient care issues. This is the letter I emailed to 'patient relations' at Yale New Haven Hospital........

To all concerned:

It is with great dismay, concern and outrage I write to you today. On Friday, May 28th, 2010 My 86 year old mother was treated horribly at the blood draw/EKG section at the Physicians Building - 2nd floor-, 800 Howard Avenue. I report the following as a formal grievance:

We were given pre-op paperwork for a blood draw, EKG and chest X-ray following our visit at the kidney transplant clinic on the 4th floor of the Physicians Building in preparation for surgery necessary for dialysis. This, in of itself is overwhelming for anyone, let alone my weary, and brave 86 year old mother. We arrived at the 2nd floor blood-draw/EKG suite and were told it would be about a 10 minute wait. My Mom was called and her blood was drawn. She reappeared in the lobby area saying that no one could do the EKG and we were told by the receptionist to have the chest X-ray done on the first floor and then return and that by then someone would be able to do the EKG. On our way to the first floor my Mom was VERY upset as she explained that the staff was arguing over who ‘should’ do her EKG, and they were bickering as they argued back and forth, each telling the other they were not going to do it and that someone else should do some work for a change, etc. . This is appalling and my mother was visibly shaken and upset. Also, my Mother walks with a rollator/walker, as do I. This ‘extra’ trip back to the EKG area was unnecessary and showed no consideration for the patient, Louise.

We returned to the blood-draw/EKG suite and were told someone would be with my Mom, Louise, shortly. We waited. I heard the receptionist say three times, “Louise is back”. A technician came out and the receptionist said, “Louise is back for her EKG”. The technician said, quite righteously and justifiably, “I’m not gonna do it, let someone else do some work around here” and she walked off. By now, my mother began to cry - I now begin to react and advocate for my mother and said to the receptionist - “My 86 year old mother is crying - crying!, NO patient should ever here staff fighting over doing their job AND they were fighting about who was going to do her EKG before and they are still fighting over it now - this is an outrage - who is going to do this EKG for my Mom?” I was VERY upset as was my Mom as she sat next to me sobbing over how she was being disregarded. I asked the receptionist for the supervisors name, and number which she wrote down for me. The EKG was finally done.

This treatment is “ABUSE OF THE ELDERLY”. I shudder to think what would have happened if I were not there to advocate for her. I cannot believe the lack of professionalism and lack of regard for a patient, an elderly patient - she felt very abused due to their lack of compassion and refusal to provide the service she was there to receive. She was dismissed with NO regard. This is abuse. This is incomprehensible. This is completely unacceptable.

I implore you to look in to this matter. Clearly, some of the staff at the blood draw/EKG suite should NOT be working with patients. The way my Mom was treated is shameful - their refusal to happily provide her the service is abuse, clear and definite ‘abuse of the elderly’.

I trust I will be informed of a response that outlines the action taken to deal with the abusive staff that harmed my mother and also what is being done to prevent this type of abusive treatment to ever happen again. I do expect a written apology to my Mother.

Can you even imagine? Like I said above in the title of this post, "This and That"...and so I have written, "This And That" Good Lord!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BERNIE - SUCH BEAUTY-GRACE-LOVE AND HONESTY

2010-05-27T09:00:00.003-04:00

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY BERNIE" you have given freely, your wisdom, love, compassion, understanding, hope, fear, joys, sadness and faith. I am honored to call you friend, and privileged to share in your world. You, your life - a true celebration! "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BERNIE"

The French Doors On Pearl Hill Street

2010-05-21T10:00:00.015-04:00

We listened intently - gathered around her hospital bed - it was like time stood still and no other sound could be heard - the codes being bellowed , or the beeps and bells and whistles of machinery measuring life, the gurney wheels carting patients or staff in hallways and at bedsides discussing patient care - none of that could be heard - only her sweet voice - seeping out of her beautiful face laden with every emotion - and she began..............."I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT, I WAS HOME ON PEARL HILL STREET, (our childhood home), AND DADDY WAS THERE (my Dad passed in 1984), WE WERE STANDING IN THE LIVING ROOM LOOKING OUT THROUGH THE FRENCH DOORS WATCHING A BIG SNOW STORM, (tears fell as she spoke, we were all paralyzed with emotion, clinging to her every word), I SAID TO DAD, WE BETTER GET THE GIRLS INSIDE (me and my Sister), SO WE WILL ALL BE INSIDE TOGETHER AND WE CAN ALL FACE THE STORM FROM HERE, LOOKING THROUGH THE FRENCH DOORS.........."

My Mom believes that it was my Dad's way of telling her he is with her as she faces this HUGE storm - we are all with her - just like when we were all together on Pearl Hill Street. Everyone was crying, and then the other noise returned as audible and time no longer stood still -

Many life-changing decisions are being made - my Mom is very brave - and she, we, will face this storm together. Some issues are resolved - some have a treatment direction - some, well all, is in God's hands.

Please continue to pray, please.........

P.S> and know that I SO appreciate every caring comment - your love and prayers mean so much.

Prayers needed

2010-05-14T21:48:00.003-04:00

A brief note - to all of you, my blog friends who frequent here lovingly and faithfully, and whose blog space I love to visit. I want to ask for your prayers for my Mom, Louise.

She was admitted to the hospital today - congestive heart failure, pulmonary embolism, arterial fibrillation. (sp)...... I have to believe that the medicines will regulate her heart, dissolve the clot and rid her lungs of the fluid they are holding. Pray with me, for my Mom - please.

I wont be posting or commenting much if at all for a while.

I love you all.................

This table

2010-05-10T09:19:00.011-04:00

If you enlarge the photo you can see my Mom a bit better and some 'detail' of this "table of love". First and most important, Mom - she so enjoyed her Mother's day brunch and being with us, her family. I could see she was tired, and that she pretended to feel good for all of us.

And this table - oh my -it has "served" so many and heard every secret, hope, desire, fear, joy, sorrow held turkeys and omelets and wine glasses and sippy cups, paper plates to fine china - elbows, and bowed heads, praying hands and hands held, problems heard, celebrations shared, voices raised, voices in a whisper, tears shed, laughter roaring, applause and arms crossed, silence, linen table cloths and paper birthday table cloths, flowers and candles, coffee mugs and tea cups, dinner for two, dinner for eight, dinner alone. Oh this table, hand made on an Indian reservation 12 years ago "serves" us so well. And Mother's Day is just one example of this table 'serving' us - flowers from Skipp, lilacs, fresh cut from our garden, scented candles, gift bags for sharing, cards of love, fruit and coffee cake, and a lovely view to the back yard and woods and side yard and woods. Today, this table had a big job, to hold up Mom - as she leaned and gently smiled - ate slowly and savored her surroundings - this table comforted her - gave her strength - welcomed her and was so proud to serve her. Her place at this table is worn in the best of ways, reserved and honored in tradition - her place at this table is sacred.

As Mother's Day Approaches

2010-05-03T13:02:00.026-04:00

As Mother's Day approaches I am filled with emotions. First, to all my blog friend that are Mother's and of course every one has a Mom so this wish is for you too :-). I wish you a very Happy Mother's Day!! Even as I write this wish I know that it is vast, and complex, and miraculous, and agonizing, and filled with the wisdom of all of our mother experiences, memories, desires, sorrows, celebrations, loss, gain, hope, fears, promises and LOVE>

AS this Mothers' Day fast approaches I am SO worried about my Mom - she is so tired, has no appetite, no energy and her mood and mind are changing. I love her so much and I am SO afraid of her lack of presence. I still see and feel and experience the gentle love in her blue eyes - with a bit less sparkle. I hold her small hands in mine which are seasoned with arthritis and always cold. Her body is small, so small - like she is disappearing right before my eyes.

This is me and Mom last Mother's Day. She is SO beautiful.

That is a gardenia corsage she is wearing - her favorite flower. I am so grateful she is here this Mother's Day - and as much as I am celebrating that, I am also so painfully aware of her decline. I promise that I will hold on to her spirit, and faith, and wisdom and softness and all the love - no matter what. I know many of you have lost your Mom's, and especially Diana who is facing her first Mother's Day without her Mom - my heart aches. I feel all mixed up this year - a blend, - of turmoil, gratitude, sadness, fear, hope and LOVE.

And now my Sister. A most wonderful Mother - her boys the center of her life, - three amazing sons. Her eldest, Clayton? He died. oh so suddenly, almost seven years ago. A mother's heart knows no bigger ache. Mother's day for her is always bitter-sweet as she celebrates her other two sons and agonizes the loss of Clayton. There are no words. The picture below is me and my Sis last Mother's day.

She is quite the opposite of me. tiny, small features, short sassy hair, and her nic-name is "Nancy-Nip!!!!! She is of sharp tongue! Woo! :-) We are so very close and always there for one another, no matter what.

My three children - all so unique.

Dolan - my youngest. He and I are very close. Even when he studied in Prague he reached across oceans to me. We talk almost every day, usually on his way home from the Bronx where he teaches High School English, and on his way to Brooklyn where he lives. and I love it. He always says that he celebrates me every day and that he doesn't need Mother's Day to remember and honor me. He shows me every day. :-) We always say "I love you", always. :-)

Jennifer - my middle child. She lives the closest and loves ALL the family traditions and celebrations. We have had our share of ups and downs, trials and tribulations and times of distance. We always find our way back. She makes me laugh like no one else can - she is very, very funny. :-) ANd we always say I love you at the end of every visit or call.

Kristie - my eldest. She is the most distant in miles and in family matters. She is strong-willed and a survivor and has had many, many obstacles before her. I miss her terribly and often wish she were part of our daily lives. Regardless, if something serious happened and I/we needed her I know she would get here. She ends every call with "I love you more Mom"..............sigh.

And so this Mother's Day we will gather for brunch, here. Quiche, fruit, muffin tops, coffee cake and scallops with pineapple. The day will be filled with so many emotions - a plethora, if you will. I will proudly pin my Mom's corsage on her lapel and offer my Sister her bouquet of three sunflowers that I give her every hear since Clayton died. I am most grateful that everyone feels love and says "I love you". That at times our hearts soar, and at times our hearts ache. Such is the bond of Mother's to their children and the never ending struggle to hold on and let go - hold on and let go - hold on and let go - hold on.................

An authentic Life

2010-04-30T18:08:00.040-04:00

The weather is lovely - not too hot, about 75 degrees - dry and breezy, blue sky and sunny with a few puffy clouds. Gracey-Blue and I enjoyed the outdoors today - my lilac bush is in bloom and smells delightful. Our world is green and budding and flowering and growing -

I went to buy some 'staples' today - dog food and wine. :-) The store where we buy Gracey's dog food is a grain and feed store and very "country". It is a very old wooden building with a porch and posts and places for folks to tie their horses to. (I have never seen a horse tied though). :-) There are cats inside, big fat one's lazily sprawled out on the wood floors - a couple of very old golden retrievers panting and snoozing. Shelves filled with natural grains and animal feed and hand made pet treats and all natural flea and tick sprays too. A wood stove that heats the place in the colder months. It smells musty and like old wood and dried beef treats and wet dog. Oddly, it is a nice smell. The folks who work there all wear jeans and work boots and have bandannas about their necks and heads. The guys are full bearded with skin like shoe leather and even the women are scruffy looking, weather beaten and yet bright-eyed and beautiful in a rustic kind of way. I love going there as everyone is so friendly and laid back and so 1800's - like "Little House On The Prairie" :-)

Next I headed down the road to the "Wine And Spirits Store". The woman who owns this place is fascinating. First, she is bigger than life!! I mean HUGE!! She has long thick wavy brown hair that she swoops and swirls with clips and pins, a big blotchy and beautiful face with bright blue eyes. She wears the brightest of clothes that flow and wrap in bright blends of deep magenta, jade, turquoise and sharp greens and all enhanced with a scarf and long dangly earrings and bracelets in every color and rings. Her shoes are often patent and colorful and she adds clip on flowers to the toes. When she welcomes you she bellows like a fog horn so loudly that I stop in my tracks to absorb the force of her voice while I take in the overwhelming colorful outfits covering her very large body. Her smile and laughter are immense just like her. I find myself talking loudly to be on the same level of communicating. Phew.

Two very different businesses - both on the same road just a few hundred feet apart.

I found myself reflecting on the authenticity of each establishment and it's owners and workers. They know who they are and aren't and display their unique selves proudly. I thought of myself and how I am seen, perceived and how people experience me. I pondered for a moment about my own authenticity. And I realized why I appreciate their bold authentic presence - because I am the same, Bold and authentic. No pretense. I know who I am and I am true to that self in all situations with a few exceptions. I know the exceptions and why it is so. That's for another post. :-) After all, my whole blog is dedicated to honoring my truths.

Enjoy the song - it took forever to find one that "fit"

So what about you, my blog-friends.? Are you authentic? Bold? True? Always,
some times?.................

COULD HAVE BEEN 90!!!

2010-04-26T18:40:00.008-04:00

HAPPY 90TH BIRTHDAY DAD!! :-) The above pictures are pictures of pictures so I apologise for the blur. I used these same photos on a post last year on the anniversary of my Dad's death.

Dad was born and raised in Stratford, CT. - one of eight children - six boys and two girls. His parents were immigrants to Ellis Island from Austria. My Dad was given the nick-name of "Booty" when he was a boy - apparently because he always wore boots. He had many, many stories to share of his childhood - his father would repair their shoes with railroad ties and they slept three in a bed. One of his younger brothers was a bed-wetter! He shared how he ran away from home and joined the carnival when he was twelve. The police found him and he said they hit him with rubber hosing. Can you even imagine? Although, he added, he never ran away again. :-) His Dad died when he was sixteen and then he joined the army as soon as he was of age. He had already had met my Mom and she 'waited' for his return. He was a WWll vet - earning the purple heart. He was captured the last seven days of the war - and was held captive in a barn. He claims the reason they didn't shoot him is because he had chocolate to offer as a bribe. He also said they had beer and he kept a can opener under the rafters on a nail outside a window in the loft. Twenty five years later my Mom and Dad returned to Germany. The barn he was held captive in was now a restaurant. He went upstairs, reached out the window and there, on the nail, was his can opener. I have that can opener now - proudly displayed in a glass case near his encased American flag given to my Mom at his military funeral.

My Mom and Dad had a gentle loving relationship. I learned how a man should treat a woman and vice versa from watching them. His only vice being that he, at times, drank way too much. Way beyond that was his strong work ethic, love of family, appreciation of flowers - he was a florist by trade although he spent his life readying new trucks for delivery and at times he would take long hauls with piggy-backed 18-wheelers. He taught me to drive his company standard shift pick-up truck when I was twelve and I was able to drive an 18-wheeler by age fourteen.
He taught me how to pitch fast ball- I was a star softball pitcher - pitching no hitters at every game. I practiced with my Dad every night - broke my share of windows too!! He is the one who gave me my nick-=name - "Gimpy" when I broke my ankle. He said I 'gimped', not limped! :-)

I also learned what being a good friend and neighbor meant - when the house across the street from us was on fire they had to stop him from going in to save the woman still trapped - I can still see the other neighborhood men holding him back as it was clear it was just too late. She died that night holding her dog. My Dad never really made peace with that.

His philosophy was that every day he needed to make people laugh. And he did. He was very funny. He also was able to cry - I watched him sob at his brother's funerals and when he lost dear friends. He cried at happy times too, our weddings, graduations, births of our children. He was very 'present' in our lives, no matter what.

He was just 64 when he died - a heart attack. He lives on in me, and my Mom, my sister and all those who knew him. In honor of him I will leave you with some of his funny sayings - I hope to make you laugh today in honor of my Dad ....

"We have more fun than people"

"How tall do you weigh?"

"Do you walk to work or carry a lunch"

"You didn't eat that did you?" (which he would say if he went in to the bathroom after someone had done their "daily constitution"...) :-)

"Get Bent" (he never really swore so if he was upset at someone, and only if it were a guy he would say "Get Bent"...

He was a real joker too. His sister Eva lived with us for a while and she was going on a date and he hid her false teeth!!!

If you were an over-night guest at our house expect to have your bed "short-sheeted"

and I could go on, but you get the gist, :-)

So Dad - "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" - and like the song says - "I would give everything I own, just to have you back again..............."

......and I realized that I only needed to take some parts of other posts about my Dad and blend them here - his amazing life has no new events to write about - it is all said and done. I remember him and now, you will too. :-)

I love you Dad....

Gimpy.

and for some reason I can't remove one of the songs - so it is on here twice. Perhaps my Dad's sense of humor, huh? :-)

Who said that?

2010-04-23T10:30:00.010-04:00

Metaphorically speaking.......................................

there was a twinge - actually a stabbing pain. Whose voice is that - who is speaking those words in that tone.? I don't know this person. I did but now I don't. A blanket of grief overcame me - a loss so profound my heart sank -
my head bowed -
hands folded -
silent thoughts spun in my mind - of resistance and fear.
Who can I tell -
after all, it was just a few words.
Words of revelation - eye opening revelation spoken defensively - confidently - even righteously.
I did not recognize this style of speaking from this person -
it is/was foreign to me.
Not anymore though,
the next time will be easier to hear,
or will it?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TERESA

2010-04-22T10:04:00.004-04:00

TERESA-

I am so in awe of your journey. I am inspired by your courage and strength. I am honored to share in any part of your life and I hope you know, through our blog-land friendship that I feel a true and intimate kinship with you.
Today I celebrate "YOU' and here is a song for you............

In celebration of a creation by Rose Marie at APOGEE POET

2010-04-21T11:53:00.009-04:00

Hello to all of my dear blog-land friends.

I wanted to share a lovely video with you from "Apogee Poet" I don't know how to link, but if you type this address in to your url bar you will get to Rosemarie's blog

http://apogeepoet.blogspot.com/2010/04/firmament.html

and here is the video -

how amazing is that?

I found this beautiful creation to soothe most all my senses - a blend of beautiful sounds and sights and feelings immersed in to one another,gently, and lovingly.

Enjoy

Happy Birthday Jennifer

2010-04-18T11:53:00.007-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIFER MARIE.....................

It is Jennifer's birthday today. :-) She is SO beautiful - peaches 'n' cream complexion, long wavy blond/brown hair - blue eyes - and VERY funny. I always say - she makes me laugh like no one else can. :-)

Some things about Jen -

She was born 'green' yes green. There is a perfectly logical factual medical reason this happened - the details of which I will spare you - however. The first thing I said when I saw her was "Oh my God - I gave birth to a leprechaun!! :-)

When she was a baby - her ankles were so skinny all of her socks slid off.

She first slept in her bassinet in the hallway until her room was finished.

She went to day care at age three. Her teacher was Jewish and from Long Island - Jennifer took on her accent completely. It was hysterical.

When she went to school she had, I believe, ADD and she had to be placed in a side boxed desk to do her work.

She had long braids by age 7 which I had to cut off and still have saved. They got knotted when she was sick with the measles.

She was always in trouble in middle school. She was the first kid they would NOT allow to attend the class trip to NYC.

She was the best "worm finder" during fishing season. My Dad would look for worms to no avail - Jen would come along and have a bunch in no time.

She once licked a flagpole in freezing weather and her tongue got stuck -

She looked so lovely when she went to her prom with the love of her life.

She has an amazing son.

She moved closer to me - so we can be there for each other.

"Happy birthday Jennifer. "I love you" - Mom.

Edited with honorable mention?

2010-04-14T10:32:00.031-04:00

I have written before about chapters of lives - most specifically children. As adults, we write the chapters of our kids lives until they are old enough to write their own chapters. It is a HUGE responsibility - and the impact, result of the chapters we author are for a life-time. Children are innocent, vulnerable and trust that those in authority in their lives will write loving and honorable chapters. As we all know, this is not always the case - and when it is 'close-to-home' it makes reading/seeing the chapters being written agonizing. I say distinctly, "Only YOU can change their story". Separate from whatever part/lines are written by me and Skipp the bulk, or theme of their story is most affected by their Mom's and the choices they make in people they allow in to their lives, - significant others and friends, alike. We represent and influence a sense of normalcy and consistency and traditions that are life-giving, loving and honest. The chapters or lines in chapters we 'author' are where our power lies - the rest of the chapter is beyond our control. The distinction is quite clear. In that distinction I have found peace and purpose - holding the 'Serenity Prayer" up to each awareness. - accepting what I cannot change, changing what I can, and relying on our wisdom to know the difference.
I had an epiphany of sorts. when my daughter let her "X" come back in to her and her son's life I was very upset - and again I became righteous and told her that he had to come to us and 'explain' his intentions'. I have since SO let go of that - his staying or going has nothing to do with us. We are responsible for what we do NOT what he does or what his intentions are. I have told my daughter our concerns and her decision to try again with him is up to her. The other 'sort-of-epiphany' is that I was often over-involved in her choices because I believed that it was my responsibility to "pick up the pieces" of her mistakes and save her - so if I could stop her before the negative results my life would be simpler. I realized it is NOT my responsibility to fix anything or save her from herself. What a HUGE relief. Of course I would listen and love and even offer suggestions but the fixing and saving is all up to her now should this latest risky venture go terribly sour.
Which brings me now to the other 'Epiphany' that prompted this post. Some times I digress. I realized that I have been edited. Just like cuts from a movie or book that lay on the editing room floor - my character in the book has been down-sized to a minor distant role. My other daughter, the one who lives 500 miles away - I haven't been a main character or had a purposeful role in the chapters f their lives for a long time. It was a real eye opener, harsh and subduing as I finally accepted that I am not and have not been a main character for quite some time. I am written in when I am needed for some advice or when there is a significant event happens - usually for the good - the problems and outcomes from bad choices are often covered over and hidden. I usually find out but it is a watered down or exaggerated version with some facts - not all. I fought to be involved for many years - and it got away from me anyway. So much has changed, happened, and is happening of which I am not a part. And sadly, I know I have been edited. I have had so many chapters in their lives years ago - I was a main character. Time and distance has changed all that. :-(

And please, that's not to say that I don't understand the natural editing that happens between parents and their children. I know that over time, as they grow that other people and things are filling their chapters and that the parents are not as involved. I guess I just wished that when I "read their chapters" that I don't cringe, grimace in horror, hold my breath and feel paralyzed because I know what is happening or I don't know what is happening - either way has it's own set of consequences. And of course there are good things too in which I delight. Selfishly, or maybe it isn't. I hope for "honorable mention".

I am so grateful that my Mom is still a main character in all my chapters and that she shares and celebrates in all the parts of my story. I also know my daughter(s) love me even when they are making their choices and living their lives and writing their chapters and their children's chapters and they hide it from me and edit me out - I know, they know, I know!! There are times when they are very forthcoming and other times not so much. Strange, my son has never edited me - never. Even when he lived in Prague I was not edited out.

Like I said, it was an epiphany when I realised that not only do we write our children's stories when they are young but some times they leave us parents out of their chapters when they are older. I guess we all edit our stories - I wonder whom have you edited out and whom has edited you out? This editing of our stories doesn't only apply to parents and kids - it goes to partners and friends and family and so forth. I have to be honest, I don't like being edited, natural progression or otherwise, and the times I have edited someone it didn't feel good either. As my daughter prepares to give birth this June I am painfully aware that I am not in this chapter. I will send baby stuff and flowers and share in his birth as best I can from here - the distance and the editing is profouind and so evident. It is hard to write and say that I ache for her - for us and how it used to be before I was edited. She ends every phone call with...............................
"I love you more, Mom....." How do I make that enough, if any of you know how please tell me. I think the answer is I have to accept the way it is now - reconcile the editing......... and so it goes, so it goes................................
(And so it Goes)? That is the title of my book - now almost 200 pages. Funny - I am "editing" what I have written so far - much better feel/use of the word, huh? :-)

CELEBRATING DIANA :-)

2010-04-10T10:05:00.006-04:00

Diana - YOU are such a wonderful presence here in blog-land. I feel your love and wisdom and compassion in every post you write and in every comment you leave. I have continued to grow in friendship with you as our lives and our families lives unfold. As mothers I feel so connected to you and empowered by you. And I felt deeply your Mom's passing.

So this day I celebrate YOU - all that yo are to so many - you - your life - cause to CELEBRATE!!

Here's to you!! "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DIANA"

Light their way home.

2010-04-09T10:32:00.020-04:00

All good reports!! My blood pressure is well within normal range. While my doctor was checking it and the numbers kept going lower he kind of chuckled and said. "whose arm is this, where did Gail's arm go??"" :-) And, my back is so much better. I am still doing heat treatments and being careful but I haven't even needed a Tylenol in days. The unexpected heat a couple days ago knocked me for a loop!! MS doesn't respond well to heat. It is cool and rainy today so I am SO much better - not droopy any more. Phew. So there is the physical condition update.

Now, let's talk about my emotional/mental and even spiritual (because they all are connected), "state of being". Surprisingly, despite some family dilemmas, I am okay. Part of the reason for that is because the situation is not close in proximity, however it is still close to my heart. I just don't 'see' the day to day overt and subtle elements of this situation because they live so far away. That is both a gift and a curse. My imagination can run wild and/or I can pretend it is not all that bad.

I realized something though - and it was a harsh realty to absorb. What is happening now with my eldest daughter and her son is so far out of my reach. As the years went by and she remained so distant my/our involvement was less and less. The results or price of her decision to move so far away has had unfortunate outcomes. Had she stayed near by, our family could/would have helped raise her son who required and still requires much more than she or any single parent could provide. He is now the angry result of lack of support and assistance and opportunity. She has "thrown her hands in the air" - and wants to be free of the responsibility for his care. The life has been squeezed out of their relationship - each victim to the other - each angry - each feeling unloved by the other.

Some where over the years I 'lost my place' in their lives. Oh sure, I sent gifts for all their birthdays and all the holidays - I called every week and they called too - and at times I was invited in to explore options for resolve for other situations - sadly, I was usually not ever given or told the whole story. There were always variables that my daughter kept secret - and she made it quite clear when I stepped over the line. I continued to communicate love, no matter what. I can count on one hand over the past 10 years the times I really challenged my daughter angrily with little regard for any self control - and this would shake things up a bit but not for long. The distance and questions and concerns forged on. Basically, I have loved, and supported as I could and helped if I was asked. I painfully and sadly accepted that her choice to live so far away and keep parts of her life secret were her decisions. My power was in what I could do to show love and share in joy and provide support if I was included in a situation. Every now and then her harsh reality finds its way to my door and heart as is the case now. And it is out of my reach to resolve. It is right here - BOOM!! I am getting out of the way of the blast - waiting for the dust to settle - trying SO hard not to go into a ranting of "I TOLD YOU SO's" !!!!! I have a slew of those ready to spew.

And so I will listen - quietly. Validate as best I can - Hope and pray for better days for her and her children - I keep the candles in every window of our home lit so they can be seen from every angle - they represent the "light that I hope one day will guide them home................"

Is it ever kind to be cruel?

2010-04-04T11:55:00.015-04:00

I am not sure when it happened - I just know that it did. The hurt was gone - and in order to feel it I had to look for it, reach back for it because it was now a memory. Part of me wishes I was more in command of such relief - but truth be told -I was not. In fact, I fought for my right to hold on to the hurt, and disappointment, and feelings of betrayal all in the name of self preserving. When I did I was quite justified to be righteous. Oh my, how unpleasant is that? Very!!

I have written of this struggle often - and my right to be right. Even writing it kind of makes me cringe and wince. In some sense of fairness to myself I did need to take time to sort through the events that changed the relationship - that made it so difficult to feel safe - all that is still true - what isn't true anymore is how much it mattered - how much my 'position' gave me permission to be indifferent - perhaps even cruel. Oh how right I felt. Something shifted and I couldn't feel "my rights" anymore - rather I felt unkind. I was faced with an opportunity to embrace something bigger than what I was holding to - I looked hard for all the reasons I had to not respond in kind - I searched every corner of my heart - and somehow being loving overpowered being right. It was a moment of surrender and a moment of truth and a moment of transition that swept me off my emotional feet!!

And so I am writing humbly this day of His resurrection - feeling that I rose above what had me nailed to the righteous cross of being right' - perhaps in your lives there are times you felt so right - and in being right you did or didn't do what was loving - when is love, in its purest form twisted to 'fit' being right. I was actually stunned by my own rationale for so long and recent 'change of heart'. There is even a song that speaks to -"Cruel to be kind or is it Kind to be cruel?".

Losing MyReligion - Finding My Faith

2010-04-01T18:29:00.016-04:00

Over the years so much has changed for me in regards to religion. And by changed I mean lost. I was raised Catholic Italian and our family went to church every Sunday and we followed and honored all the faith traditions. I felt so much a part of something so huge and powerful and life-saving. As a kid I was scared some times too - all that Catholic-Italian guilt. I believed what I was taught to be true and right and must be followed for such was the only way to be assured getting to Heaven when I died.

I don't do any of that religious ceremony any more nor do I believe any of that "burn in hell" stuff any more . It was a difficult and long transition. I am so much more connected to Jesus/God now and my faith is so strong and purposeful without all the interference of religion. I do believe myself to be a Christian and I adore Jesus - we are best of friends and I ally with his teachings as they are good, loving and hopeful. I have a Jesus inspired creed by which I live and it starts with love, promotes justice, is kind, humble, generous, natural and simple, fair, musical, fun, honorable, respectful and more love.

My ability to "know" any of that after I was abused and betrayed by Roman Catholic clergy was destroyed. I can tell you that I tried, I honestly tried to belong to a faith community again of various denominations and venues - even a 'Women's Spirituality' group - I was destined to find my way back to my faith but not in a church with false leaders and dishonest servants. I finally found my way and I began walking hand in hand with Jesus - me and Him - and we talked, and He listened and I listened - and Jesus and I continue to do so - and some times I will commune with one, or two or three other faithful people and we give witness - not planned, rather unexpected and from the heart. Oh there is nothing more beautiful than that. I feel Jesus present amongst us and our hearts open and spill out the loving truth. Oh it is so glorious when that happens. No altars, or pompous religious garb, or golden chalices and marble floors - just hearts - broken and poured out before one another and our Lord. Oh it is so humbling when that happens. I believe it is the way Jesus intended it to happen with him, and in His name.

And so as he dies for me, for us all this Friday I am at the foot of His cross - I am humbly kneeling before Him - I will thank and praise Him. I will await His resurrection and freedom. And I will continue to walk hand in hand with Him, listening, believing, sharing from my brokenness so others can have hope - I renew this promise every Good Friday. My brook is running high and free so I can submerge my feet as I have so many years before and promise Him that I will share the gift He has given me - the gift of truth. It s all He has ever asked of any of us - to be true and to share our truths with others - to be broken and poured out so others can have hope. Amen.

IN CELEBRATION OF WANDA

2010-03-30T12:07:00.004-04:00

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY WANDA"-

Today is truly a day to celebrate - your loving spirit is a gift to the world and certainly to your family. I see and feel the love as your children and grandchildren spend time about your natureland and home and that they know and feel the magnitude of your love. And the food you prepare!!! My goodness - SO yummy!!! :-)

Happy, happy birthday...............I am so honored and thrilled to call you friend.